Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 9: Five Signs of the Apocalypse

Number 1: Look's Who Lurking (at the bottom of the leaderboard)

Every time I log into fantasy football, I'm reminded of two things: Jason and Scott. The Fever-Baker Dynasty started as a joke...until last year, when they proved, yet again, to be unbeatable. It doesn't matter how good your team is, how many wins you had in the regular season, or what seed you are in the playoffs. That's because Jascott is going to turn around and put up 150 points in the championship game in a big 'ol fuck you to the man.

Or at least, that's how it used to be. I woke up this morning, and guess who's #9 and #10?

Now, I'm not going to say these two are eliminated. 6-7 teams routinely make the playoffs in our league...I think a 5-8 team threatened to make the playoffs last year (that would be me. Travis may have actually been 5-8, but I don't remember). If you get to seven wins you are all but assured a playoff spots.

The difference this year is that we don't have as much disparity at the top or bottom. There's no Kim or Peter (2009 editions) to go 0-10/1-9 and give the rest of us easy wins. We might actually NEED to have winning records to make the playoffs.

I also can't say that Scott or Jason suck. Well, maybe Jason does (Brandon Jackson still haunts his nightmares, no doubt), but Scott is the #1 scariest team at this point. Let's break this down. Scott is the #10 team in our league, and the #1 highest scoring team in our league. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? This might be the only case of this being true in the history of ESPN Fantasy Football. Seriously, we should email Mr. Roto and see if anyone else has done this. It's amazing.

The #1 team I least want to play is Prestige Worldwide. If he makes the playoffs: armageddon. But for now, I'll laugh at his misfortune.

2) WTF Standings?

I know I've said this before, but apparently our standings do not function like I once thought. Scott, who has 140 more points that Jason, is ranked below him. Peter, who has about 180 less points than Travis, is ranked ahead of him. I've figured out the reason: the tiebreaker in our league is set to Head-to-Head record...then to PF in the case of a tie. Genius! So Peter's paltry point total doesn't matter...if he beat you 12 to 9 during The Suck Bowl, he's still got the advantage.

3) How can Kyle not make the playoffs?

Okay, this is complicated...here goes.

First off, Kyle needs to lose out. That would put him at 7-6. 6 teams, then, need to have that record or better. Here's how it would have to play out:

Week 10:
Travis beats Rob (actually irrelevant, and I'll tell you why, later)
Peter beats Scott
Drew beats Jason
Ryan beats Kyle
Donel beats Kim

Week 11:
Rob beats Kyle
Travis beats Donel (irrelevant as long as Travis beat me in week 10)
Drew beats Scott
Peter beats Ryan
Kim/Jason game irrelevant

Week 12:
Peter beats Rob
Travis beats Jason
Ryan beats Scott
Donel beats Kyle
Drew beats Kim

Week 13
Rob beats Scott
Drew beats Travis
Peter beats Kyle
Donel beats Jason
Ryan beats Kim

This would give Peter, Ryan, Donel, and Travis 8 wins, and myself and Drew 7 wins. However, since we've got that handy tie, our 7-3-1 beats all tiebreakers with Kyle, putting him in seventh place.

These are NOT THE ONLY TEAMS THAT CAN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. However, in the case that any other team substitutes into one of the above six slots, the chance of Kyle making the playoffs rises exponentially. Basically, in order to keep Kyle our, all of the 5-4 or better teams + Ryan Good + one of the 3 win teams need to step up, and specifically, Kyle needs to lose out and one of the 3 win teams needs to win out. Since Kyle has a tiebreaker over Jason, it's mathematically impossible for him to be ranked ahead of Kyle in the final rankings. Scott has the tiebreaker over Kyle, and Drew's record is F'd up by the tie, so they are both viable options to overtake Kyle. HOWEVER. Since Scott and Drew play head to head only one of them can reach 7 wins. Scott, meanwhile, plays only teams that need wins (myself, Peter, Ryan), while Drew plays only teams that I've eliminated (Jason, Kim, the latter of which I'l explain in a second) + Travis, who can stand to potentially lose two games, since he has a tiebreaker on Kyle.

So why is Kim out? First off, The fact that she plays Ryan Good and Donel means that she fucks up the whole process of keeping Kyle out of the playoffs. Also, she lose a tiebreak to Kyle, so she can't lose any games and pass him. Donel's fate is in his own hands, and if Ryan can beat Kyle by 36 or more in their second meeting he holds the tiebreaker. Kim's the weakest 4 win team.

There are other permutations that can lead to ultimate victory over the Kyle menace, but this is a guideline. Scott, make sure to lose out, okay?

4) Coincidence...OR FATE???

We've had only our second tie in the history of our league occur between myself and Drew. He also has the same number of points scored. CRAZY WEIRD.

5) The total reversal of trends

There are some things, in this football league, that we hold self-evident. Peter at the bottom of our league. Girls uniformly sucking and doing dumb things (Steven Jackson-gate, ahem). Jascott on top of the league. Travis and Kyle battling for third place. My team starting 1-5, then rising from the ashes only to fall just short of the promised land. Jason getting all of the free agents moments before anyone else has a chance.

What happened? We changed draft style, we changed the waiver wire, and suddenly, everything is in shambles. JaScott are at the bottom of the league, Kim's clawing towards a playoff spot, I'm in 2nd freaking place, Peter's team is still awful but in the LUCKIEST WAY EVER, and Jason spent all of his free agent money in Week 2 and has been forced to pick up every fourth string RB in the league over and over praying for injuries. The times they are a changin'.

I'm going to crunch the numbers at the end of the year, but I'm beginning to get a better idea of what worked and what didn't in regards to spending our fantasy cash. The answer: nothing specific. Kyle and Ryan had the same strategy; spend big then pick up some stragglers. For Kyle, that has worked out beautifully (though I still argue it's luck). For Ryan, the result has been more meh. Scott, Jason, and I, meanwhile, all went for the spend-$20-on-everyone approach, which has, to put it lightly, affected each of our fortunes differently as well. I thought for sure I'd have this all figured out by now, but the sad truth is, nobody knows anything.

Bonus #6: I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was one player away from pitching a perfect hitter on the bench...as in...0 points lost on bench players. Ouch. Depth, anyone?

Bonus #7: This is just for my own edification, but WTF Stephen Gostkowski?!? How many times do kickers get injured early in games???

Text Messages of the Week!

Scott: Fever is challenging Peters season low for scoring. 33 pts with one player left...Peter is kicking his ass with 43 points.
Peter: I'm proud of that award. If you can't be good, be epically bad.

Well put, Peter, well put.

Awards Roundup

Spotlight on Awesomeness: Scott

Remember, Scott, when we left you for dead two weeks ago at 1-6? I'm not saying you're going to make it all the way back, but I spoke to Travis on the phone and said, "God, I hope I don't have to play Scott." Scott Baker: The Destroyer of Dreams

Blackout on Suckiness: Jason

Jason's team is a wreck. There's definitely blow up potential lurking amongst the trash, but I'd have to say that week in, week out, Jason's team is the most likely to melt down. BLACKOUT OF SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY.

Eagle Eye Award: It's a tie! Me with Arian Foster, and Travis with Peyton Hillis, both with 31 points. Bet you wouldn't have thought those two would be top 5 RBs at the beginning of the season.

Scrub Starters of the Weak (I spelled it that way on purpose)

Rob: Steve Smith, 0 pts (anyone want to trade with me?)
Jason: Seahawks D/ST, -5 pts (Wow, worst performance all season by a player?)
Kim: Patriots D/ST, -2 pts (I'm mourning this one)
Kyle: Darren Sproles, 0 pts

Power Rankings

Since I've realized that, duh, ranking teams in a league with ranks is pointless, I decided to mix it up this week and rank teams in terms of buzz. This way, my subjective rankings are of a subjective statistic.

1) Scott: Buzzmeter: Cranked to 11

Everyone's talking about Scott right now. Or at least myself, Travis, and Peter, though I bet Jason is sitting in Ann Arbor cursing Scott's name as well. That name change really turned the tides, didn't it? I wish I could hack into the system and somehow change your name so your players would, once again, be mortal.

2) Peter: Buzzmeter: The sound of a thousand children crying

How can your team be this bad and win all these games? HOW? When you beat me in Week 12, I will find some way to burn your house down.

3) Kyle: Buzzmeter: Middle-Aged Bee

It's hard not to have buzz when you're on top. But it's beginning to feel, more and more, that their might be a new queen in town, and that Kyle's reign at the top of the hive pecking order may soon be over.

4) Rob: Buzzmeter: Enough to make Peter's head explode

Second place, bitches. Another week over one hundred points! I'm going to ride Arian Foster all the way to the bank

5) Travis: Buzzmeter: Southern Cicada

I need to get a bye week so I don't have to face Travis in the first round. Oh god, oh god.

6) Donel: Buzzmeter: Horsefly

Donel, what's up, man? Losing to Drew this week? You can't do this whole "Im'a score 130 points this week, now I'm going to score 70. Oh look, 110! Whoops, 60 pts" thing any more. It's making us (me) lose faith. You're no longer headline material...more like third page, next to the weight loss ads. Not that you need to lose weight, or anything. I've said too much.

7) Drew: Buzzmeter: Resurrected

Good win this week...I think you might be back from the dead. One more win and I'm going to pencil you into the "almost has the chance to maybe compete for a playoff spot" column of my fantasy football master notebook stats list.

8) Ryan: Buzzmeter: Soft hum

I'm losing hope, and actually don't have much to say, which means I'm not feeling it from The Goods, right now.

9) Jason: Buzzmeter: Sad trombone

I'd probably make fun of your team more but I know that you're probably clinically depressed from how bad you've been, recently, and it's no fun to make fun of someone who's on fantasy football suicide watch. Bad karma, and all.

10) Kim: Buzzmeter: PEA

Dear Kim,

Really? 4-5? You put up 58 points this week? Kim, you started off this season so well that I really though you'd have a chance to prove to us all that not all girls who play fantasy football are of the Carissa/Annie/Nava/Karen Kinnaman (who, when was the last time I thought about Karen Kinnaman?) variety. I thought you were going to have this down! I don't even get much smack talk out of you, which makes you infinitely less fun. You're team is like the guy I saw down in the ED today who had a bullet go through his heart but still had a faint glimmer of cardiac activity. I think you're with it enough that I'm willing to give your team a thoracotomy, but I'd be lying if I said there was a good chance you'll get your pulses back.

Love,

Rob

Now for a totally new segment

I hate predicting the games. It makes me anxious, and it's pointless, because who really knows anything about what's going to happen? Instead, welcome to the first installment of Playoff Watch, where I'll break down the permutations of who needs to do what in order to reach the playoffs.

Game 1: Travis vs Rob

In my last four games, three of them are against the top teams in our league (Kyle, Travis, and Peter), or the most devastating (Scott). The chance of me going 0-4 and missing the playoffs is real. We're too far out to call this a make-or-break moment, but this is a game I've got a reasonable chance to win and need desperately. Travis, meanwhile, draws Jason and Drew (which I think he'll win), plus a toss up with Donel. Beating Jason and Drew would give him 7 wins, and, in my opinion, a playoff spot.

For Rob: Really Would Like To Win
For Travis: A Win Would Only Make My Seeding Better

Game 2: Peter vs. Scott

Peter plays Scott, myself, Kyle, and Ryan, the only game of which I'd consider an "easy" game is the one vs. Ryan. Peter does NOT put up enough points week to week to deal with a good week from Scott or myself, but he's got a very realistic chance against Kyle and Ryan. Those two wins would give him seven, which would be enough for a playoff spot. Scott needs to win 3/4, IMO, to make the playoffs, but even that might be dicey, depending about how it all plays out. 7 wins is my predicted cut off, which makes this:

Scott: Not MUST win, but OMG If I don't win this I'm really fucking my own asshole
Peter: Meh, better luck next week

Game 3: Drew vs Jason

Cripple fight! Both of these teams need this win in order to make it all the way to seven, but at 6 wins Drew would be in better shape than anyone else as he'd finish at .500. Jason has terrible PFs, and even if he wins out he'll only have a tiebreaker advantage over five teams: Kim, Travis, Scott, Drew, Donel. Really, in the race for a fifth or sixth spot, the Drew/Scott tiebreakers are drastically less useful, as it is unlikely more than one of the three will factor into the hunt. Donel and Travis are more likely to compete for a 1-4 spot (though time will tell). The Kim tiebreaker helps. But if he loses to Drew this week, I think he might be sunk. Ultimately, I think...

Drew: Could definitely use the win, but alive regardless
Jason: Looking pretty desperate.

Game 4:Ryan vs. Kyle

Kyle's just going for a bye-week, now; Ryan, meanwhile is in an unlucky spot in the pack. He's only got tiebreaker over two teams ahead of him: Peter and Travis. He has the chance to lose that advantage over Peter in Week 11. Ryan could use every win, though this one won't be as important as the subsequent three, as Kyle isn't really his direct competition for a playoff spot.

Ryan: Yes, I would like to win, please
Kyle: Bah, like I care about winning? Opulence, I has it.

Game 5: Donel vs Kim

This is my spotlight game of the week. A win by Kim here puts her at .500 and well on her way to controlling her own playoff destiny. A win for Donel, meanwhile, would take him from "Probable Playoff Spot" to "Possible Bye Week," which is a HUGE jump.

Donel: I don't want to face Scott or Travis in the first round, either
Kim: I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!

My predictions for possible playoff seeding:
Kyle: 1-2
Rob: 1-5 (that "1" is pretty optimistic)
Donel: 1-5
Peter: 2-6
Travis: 2-6
Kim: 3-6
Ryan: 4-6
Drew: 5-6
Jason: 6
Scott: 5-6

One Last Thing




http://www.amctv.com/originals/The-Walking-Dead/

Everyone should watch this show. I never thought I'd see a human being get chopped up with an ax on basic cable.

[Thurs]day Night Quarterback, Week 8: Special Turnabout is Fairplay Edition

Obviously, I'm not one for deadlines...but luckily, Peter has turned my patented formula of 100% insults, 0% data, into his own Peter edition of WNQ. I'm going to post that here, right now. But I'm not letting him be QB, because I'm QB, and there's only one QB on the team. He can play defense or something. 

By Peter: Wednesday Night Free Safety

Given Rob’s inability to come through with a timely recap of our week’s events again, I thought I’d attempt to fill the void with a special guest edition of some form of ____ Night Quarterback. A couple of side notes before we get started:

1. So seriously when does Rob’s intern year actually start? Orientation month, Cardiology consults, Ultrasound, and a shift work ED month make up his first 1/3 of the year? What is this the Nebraska Upstairs Residency in Emergency Medicine? (2 cocktails to whoever gets my Simpson’s reference). Last time I checked 4th year of medical school ended sometime in May. [Editor's note: I want those cocktails, but I don't know enough about this. Also, not my fault y'all chose to work hard and stuff] 
2. At one point I planned to attempt to model this after Rob’s previous posts, but then came to find that ESPN doesn’t save any old league manager notes. As Rob only made available the URL to his blog containing old manager notes in a subsequently unavailable league manager note (well played, Rob), I can’t find one for modeling. I’ll be doing my own thing. [Editor's note: Mwahaha! My bad. It's ichooseweswelker.blogspot.com] 
3. As you might have guessed this post will focus heavily on exacting revenge for the endless slights directed my way in previous editions of this space. Suck it, Rob. [Editor's note: I can't be mad. I'll give you this week and punish you in all the following. Besides, I only speak the truth.] 

Last Week In Review:

Mile High Club vs My Team:
Off the bat let me reiterate Rob’s aforementioned disappointment in Travis’s team name. It’s easily in my top 10 most disappointing aspects of this season (along with my regrettable draft strategy, my team’s glaring point scoring inadequacies, and Rob’s continued existence). Quite frankly I caught Travis on as good of a week as I could have imagined. He loses Tony Romo and his top 2 RBs are on byes. Thank you very much lady luck for that (and for TO’s 2nd TD for anyone who happened to have seen it). Top performer goes to TO and his 18 points. Shat the Bed award is bestowed upon Randy Moss and his 0 point performance. Talk about a disappointing turn to a season. Did anyone actually expect him to do well outside of Brady’s bubble of awesomeness? Do you remember him in Oakland?

The Goods vs Blow Schaub:
Ryan ontinues to claw back from the bottom with some of the strangest fantasy point scorers in recent memory. 56 points out of LaGarrette Blount, Dan Carpenter, and the Ram’s Defense? Zeroes from Marshawn Lynch and Owen Daniels? Let’s give you the benefit of the doubt this week and pretend like you’re a genius for the way that played out. Meanwhile, Jason’s team of misfit toys put on a solid performance again. He continues to reinvent himself and continues to leave buckets of points on the bench because no one has any God damn clue who on his team might score 20 or 0 points each week. I love you for playing Mike Hart and having him actually put up a decent performance before getting hurt. Something about that sounds vaguely familiar. Top performer goes to LeGarrette Blount (I had to double check the spelling on his first name 3 times). Who would have thought being an angry man willing to punch other people in the face with little provocation would translate well to the NFL? Shat the bed award goes to the Seahawks D. That combined -3 points from your kicker and defense had to hurt, Jason. Defense and special teams win games something something.

Rob’s Stupid Name of the Week vs The Frum:
I was rooting for Drew here (for obvious reasons, but also…) because he participated in one of my wins last week. Things didn’t quite work out for me. The only other tie I can recall in our league was way back in the inaugural year of our league when I won a match up I believe against Kyle by 1 point, but then the next day they readjusted the stats and took away that 1 point victory in an effort to surprise me the kick in the balls I was expecting. Anyhow, as they say, “A tie is like kissing your sister.” Except, in this case, your sister is Rob who is drunk and has a raging case of oral HSV. Pretty much very unfortunate for all parties involved. Rob managed to move up in the standings here by just not losing. 1 point less and he joins the pack of 4-4 teams. This season is looking like it might get weird and ties don’t help. Top performer goes to Arian Foster who continues to exceed expectations. Shat the bed award goes to the Viking’s defense. Can anyone recall a worse week than -4 points? Yikes. Another side note: Cedric Benson continues to prove his fantasy value with another sub-8 point performance for a starting RB. More on this later.

Prestige Worldwide vs D Money All Day
Scott finally gets a much deserved win. Don’t lose your dinosaur, Scott: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8gY0IT0CuA. I’m pretty sure this new name will be the turning point for you. Anyway, he basically had this thing wrapped up after the early games. Donel had a slow week with none of his players blowing up for 25+ points like usual (thank you much for being human, Chris Johnson). Donel is quietly trying his best to creep back into the pack at the moment. Performer of the week goes to Megatron and his 28 points. If only he could finish the entire process of his catches when making contact with the ground. Shat the bed award goes to Hines Ward and his 1 point. I still maintain Donel got him at least for free in the Orton:Cutler and Ward trade.

Now to explain my Cedric Benson comment from earlier. In last week’s midseason review, Rob stated RBs were one of his strengths and talked about Cedric Benson being a solid performer. He has 71 points on the year. Rob then went on to say that Scott’s RB situation was ambiguous because Adrian Peterson = good, Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones =bad. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles split time (though really Jones is Charles’s backup in my mind) Jones has scored 2 less points less this year than Benson at 69. Charles has now scored 89 points. I’m not sure I can call either of those guys bad. I feel confident that RB is one of Scott’s strong positions. I don’t remember the last time you played Jones though, Scott. Are you ready to trade him my way yet? [Editor's Note: I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with Benson's recent suckiness. But he's, before that, not been too shabby. AF is clearly my star, no doubt, with the Colts twins right behind, when not seriously injured. Also, Benson may be sucking, but Jones keeps gobbling up Charles' worth. I think they're both spotty because you don't know week to week who'll get the TD.] 

Team Buffalo vs Hasselbeck’s Last Stand
Kyle wins…again. He’s just having one of those years where no one ever has a good week against him. Solid performances from Peyton and MJD drove the bus this week against Kim’s top-heavy team (zing boob reference for the one female in our league). But seriously outside of QB/RB this week her team put up 16 points. That’s not helping your overcome Kyle’s deal with the devil. How solid have The Law Firm, LT, and McFadden been lately though? I honestly thought the trade of Peterson for those 3 was going to be horribly one-sided and I could not have been more wrong. AP has been sick, scoring 56 points over the last 3 weeks, but sometimes quantity rules over quality. The above trio has scored 122 points over those 3 weeks with one bye and one week missed for injury. That works out to an average of 17.4 points per player per week. I could go for 3 RBs averaging greater than 17 points/week about now. Anyhow, top performer goes to The Law Firm and his 28. Shat the bed award goes to Kellen Winslow with a big fat 0. Kenny Britt gets a pass because his hamstring exploded.

Thoughts On The State Of The League:
-Kyle continues to dominate, all but assured at least a playoff berth at this point. I don’t feel like trying to figure out how certain that is because it’s going to end up being irrelevant.
-There’s a big cluster fuck in the middle with 4 teams at 4-4 and Rob narrowly avoiding becoming the 5th. Things should get interesting down the stretch, though all can take solace in the fact that I will never win any tiebreaker with my point total. [Editor's Note: I'm unclear if this is true. Head-to-head wins might play a role in tiebreakers. Disaster for me.] 
-Ryan and I continue to try to dig our way out of the cellar after questionable starts. In spite of all of Rob’s trash talk, we’re currently the only teams on winning streaks. [Editor's note: I'll believe it when I see it! 
-Scott finally gets another win. Let’s all hope his luck isn’t changing and he’s making a late season push. His team has been a beast for a while now.

Fearless Predictions (or thoughts I pull out of my ass):
Blow Schaub vs Mile High Club – Jason by 20. I can’t pick myself and my team does nothing but disappoint. TO is due for a 0 week.

The Goods vs Rob’s Stupid Name Of The Week – Ryan by one million. That’s all I’m going to say. [Editor's Note: Unfortunately, I don't disagree.] 

Hasselbeck’s Last Stand vs My Team – Travis gets his RBs back and pulls this one out by 3.

Team Buffalo vs Prestige Worldwide – Scott’s last place juggernaut is predicted to score 137 points this week. Yikes. Scott finds his dinosaur and wins by 15.

D Money All Day vs The Frum – ESPN has Drew scoring 131 this week based on predictions. That’s not happening. I feel a Donel bounce back, winning by 7.

And just for emphasis: (Insert disparaging remark about Rob here) [Editor's Note: How about, "Have fun on Trauma Surgery call, Rob."] 

You should probably bump this to front page in a readable format so all can appreciate it.

[Editor's Note: I enjoyed that. Peter, you want to get a chance to do this every year? It's good to get a chance to be scoffed at like I scoff at all of y'all clowns.] 

[Postscript: You know how much of a hassle all of that HTML is? I hate computers.

Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 7: Extra Late Friday Edition

Ever have one of those weeks where it was just impossible to make a deadline? Yea, it happens. Whatever. No excuses...no mercy!

Welcome to the special MidSeason WNQ team evaluation, where I'll break down each team by its strengths and weaknesses...as well as snark it up while belittling them.

Kyle: Team Buffalo
Record: 6-1
PF: 591 (#7)
PA: 448 (#10) [Note: for PA a #10 rankings means teams have put up the LEAST points against him]
Current Rank: 1
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:20-29
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22

Right now Kyle's team is sitting at the top of the heap, but not for strong team management/explosive players/a balanced team. Right now the prevailing argument is luck. Kyle has played only two of the teams with winning records to this point...and only beat one (and beating me barely counts as beating a team with a winning record). In his showdown with Travis he managed to put up...49 points. Kyle's team has broken 100 points only once (shocking for a one loss team), but does manage to stay mostly in the 80s to 90s. What does this mean? This mean's Kyle's team doesn't seem capable of putting up the numbers most of the rest of teams can week to week, but is less likely to fall apart, also.

Strong Men:
QB: Peyton Manning. Kansas City aside, there are very few more consistent options in the NFL.

Weak Vaginas:
RB: When MJD is about as consistent as you can get at RB, you're in trouble. DeAngelo Williams (or, he who is destined to underperform) has been pretty overall sucky, and remember, this is the team that started Willis McGahee one game this season. And that's it. No other running backs. It's astonishing (and speaks to the strength of the rest of his team) that Kyle even has a winning record. Who said RBs are important? But seriously, Kyle, two back up scrub QBs? You can't bare to drop either Chad Henne or Josh Freeman? Do you really expect to bench Peyton for any games this season?

TE: Really? Jeremy Shockey? How many years must he suck before people stop playing him?

Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs. What a group of misfits...two NYJ receivers who get no points on a routine basis, a just acquired by NE Deion Branch, and a couple of scrubs who every once and a while blow up for 25-40 points (hello, Malcolm Floyd and Kenny Britt). I'd be tempted to sat Kyle just has the pulse on WRs in this league, but really, if my other options were Holmes and Cotchery I'd invest in Kenny Britt, too.

Forecast: Kyle finally gets a chance to play some real teams in the second half. After a cupcake battle in Week 9 vs Scott, Kyle faces a four week stretch of Ryan Good (awful but revitalized), myself (looking for redepemtion?), Donel (he of 200 points per game), and finally Peter (maybe revitalized but mostly awful). I think Kyle walks out of the next 6 weeks 3 and 3 with losses to Donel, one of the "almost-there!" teams (Ryan or Peter) and one to either me or Kim (probably Kim, but hopefully me. At 9-4, though, he'll easily make the playoffs.

Donel: D Money All Day
Record: 5-2
PF: 697 (#1)
PA: 564 (#9)
Current Rank: 2
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:23-26
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22

Donel's team is a beast. Like many winning teams, everyone seems to melt down when playing Donel (though, at #9 in PA, he's still had over 100 more points scored against him than Kyle). But Donel, who has 3 weeks over 100, needs no help from underachievers. As has been witnessed by many (most recently, me), Donel enjoys driving a stake through the heart of the weak. No team thus far this season (with the exception of maybe Travis) has demonstrated the ability to put up this many points. Fear!

Strong Men:
QB: With just Rivers I wouldn't have thought so highly of Donel's QB position, but add in Big Ben? Kaching! Thanks for Kyle Orton, btw.
RB: In Johnson and Jackson, Donel has the perfect balance of explosiveness (Johnson says hello to 30 points!) and consistency (in the past 6 weeks, Jackson has scored between 11-16 points). Sure, Johnson shits the bed here and there. But damn if he isn't a nightmare sometimes. His other RBs may have underachieved, but who needs em?

Weak Vaginas:
TE: I'm stretching here. Donel's team is pretty good.

Ambiguous Genitalia
WR: Roddy White is a beast. Have no doubt. But with Austin Collie out for awhile/ever, Donel's WR group isn't too hot. If Roddy White has a bad day Donel can expect little to nothing from his receivers.

Forecast: Donel gets a couple gimmes before a final four of Kim/Travis/Kyle/Jason. I think he'll be losing no more than one of his next six games (I'd guess Travis has a chance, or Kim. Not Kyle.), and that would finished him off at 10-3. Definitely playoff material.

Travis: My Team
Record: 4-3
PF: 637 (#2)
PA: 571 (#7)
Current Rank: 3
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:24-25
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

I didn't realize this until just now: Travis has the #2 overall points with only one score of over 100. Wow. The answer to why that is is because Travis' low score on the season is 77. As they say, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done. Plus, Travis' opponents have 4 more wins than either Kyle or Donel can claim...though, I'll admit, as Kyle can't play himself, he's destined to play teams with overall less wins. But not necessarily 4 less. So Travis' team has taken a beating...and held up pretty well!

Strong Men:
WR: Six startable WRs?!? It's a fantasy football dream/nightmare. WRs are destined to be up and down, but there's enough explosiveness lurking to a thumbs up.
D/ST: THE STEEL CURTAIN

Weak Vaginas:
TE: A couple of early explosive games aside, I don't love Dustin Keller. Weeeaaaaak saaaauuce.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
QB: Carson Palmer. Wow. Really? Palmer? I know he's been "resurgent" of late (those are ESPN's words, not mine), but I'm not sure I'd give my fantasy livelihood to this guy. That being said, so far I've trusted Favre, Cutler, and Orton with my team, so maybe I should just shaddap.
RB: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can't draft all of Atlanta's RBs and just pray for something good. Disappointment looms. Also, Danny Woodhead starting these week? Prepare to a loss!

Forecast: Travis has the misfortune of another meeting with Donel, but I think Travis has the chance to pull out the win. He also faces two teams that have beaten him before (Jason and Kim), and I'm sure he'll lose one of those. My team, actually, has faced off notriously well as underdogs against Travis, much to his chagrin, so I'm a possible sleeper here. Peter and Drew I'm notching in Travis' win column. I'm thinking 4-2, with a final record of 8-5, definite playoffs.

Rob: BenSon of Sam* (*name probably out of date by the time you read this)
Record: 4-3
PF: 593 (#6)
PA: 648 (#3)
Current Rank: 4 (I'll address this in a second)
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 19-23

First off, why do the standings rank me as 4th? Kim clearly has more PFs than I do, and I thought that was the first tiebreaker...unless it's, gasp, HEAD TO HEAD STANDINGs? Wow, if that is true I'll do a little jig, as I've beaten Kim, Jason, and Ryan, all who might at some point try to haunt me as I struggle for that last playoff spot with my paltry PF. Woohoo! That being said, I'm the first team in the rankings to have a) played against teams with a winning record, b) have an opponents-to-play record with under 20 wins, c) have a negative PF/PA balance (when I lose, I lose big), and d) sort of suck pretty consistently. I'm as astonished as y'all are that I'm in the top 4 (ish).

Strong Men:
RB: I've got 7! Admittedly, one of them is just a handcuff, and one flat out sucks (here's looking at you, Michael Bush), but with Arian Foster occasionally just blowing the fuck up, Cedric Benson proving he's still got some fantasy value, and Addai redeeming himself (when not breaking both ankles), I think RB might be my ONLY strong point.
TE: I lied. Zach Miller is awesome.

Weak Vaginas:
D/ST: The Bears have been nice, but they can't make up for the troubles I've had...

Ambigious Genitalia:
QB: Sure, Orton's great, but I threw away much time on the Brett Favre train. Playing at over 40? He's clearly no Testaverde.
WRs: Sure, they're good something, but THEY'RE ALL F$#@$ HURT! ALL THE TIME!

Forecast: I will lose again to Kyle. I will admit that now. Of my other 5 games, I think I'll win 3 (if I had to guess, I'd say against Scott, Drew, and Peter...though he's burned me before). A 3-3 record would make me 7-6, probably enough for a playoff spot. Then, and only then, will I cackle with evil laughter. Mwahahaha! Whoops, premature cackler.

Kim: Hasselbeck's Last Stand
Record: 4-3
PF: 622 (#4)
PA: 565 (#8)
Current Rank: 5
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:22-27
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19

Kim is really the tale of two teams: first, the team that beat Travis and Donel back-to-back in the opening weeks, as well as destroyed peter 109-37. Second, the team that lost to Drew when he could only put up 71 and who lost to me when only put up 86. Kim's team is bipolar in all of the worst ways; she beats all the top teams and loses to the scrubs...thus assuring herself important tiebreakers when it comes to deciding playoffs spots. Good for her, bad for us.

(Since Kim is a fem, I'll alter the next part for her sake)

Voluptuous Vagines:
RB: AP was a stud...but is replaced by two studs, LT and McFadden. I don't even mind that she's starting Green-Ellis! She's that good!
WR: A little iffy sometimes...but the depth! Welker, Hakeem Nicks, some guy on Seattle who's hot right now...I'll buy it

Flaccis Penii
QB: Sorry, Tom. Your numbers this year suck.

Ambiguous Genitalia
None, really. Kim's players have clearly chosen their teams.

Forecast:Kim'm team is just screaming 3-3 from here on out. She'll probably beat Kyle and Travis as well as one of the 3-4 teams, and lose the rest, including her game with Drew. Kim always does the opposite of what is expected of her. That being said, she might still lose to Kyle this week, which will be a damned shame.

Jason: Blow Schaub (I still love that name)
Record: 3-4
PF: 587 (#8)
PA: 705 (#1)
Current Rank: 6
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:26-23 (rough)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-20 (rough)

Jason: this year the fates conspired against you. Though keeping track of things like opponents records is futile since we all basically play the same people, 3 of the 4 teams you play twice this year have winning records. Everyone puts up tons of points against you (over 100 per game!), and your last three games of the season, the ones that will ultimately make or break your on the fence team, are against Kim, Travis, and Donel. Granted, you're also the blame for your terrible Points For (I feel your pain, brother), and your wanton spending of free agent cash (How much did you pay for Brandon Jackson, again? I think I got him for $15...). But this year everything has been stacked against you. To which I say: mwahahaha! Whoops, slipped again.

Strong Men:
WR: I don't even know most of your WRs...or at least I didn't until you started them and they scored 30 points. How is this possible? You clearly have a knack for picking up players...or you simply pick up so many that you get lucky. Jury's out on that, but your WRs are nothing to scoff at
TE: Grr! Gaaaates!

Weak Vaginas:
RB: This week, Jason will start Mike Hart. (silence)

Ambiguous Genitalia
QB: Schaub this season if either +20 or under 5 on any given week...which would help explain Jason's difficulties winning. I dare him to start Fitzpatrick. The Bills NEVER fail to disappoint. Never. Ever.

Forecast:
So Jason's schedule sucks...for him. I'd say Jason is a trendy spoiler for his final three games but not likely to win any of them. I'd say I do favor him to win the first three...and with an expected flip flop of one (possibly a loss to Peter couple with an upset of Kim), I'd place him at 3-3 with an overall record of 6-7, which in our league tends to make the playoffs at least 66% of the time.

Ryan: The Goods
Record: 3-4
PF: 527 (#9)
PA: 574 (#5)
Current Rank: 7
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 2
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record: 25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

Ryan's team is the exact opposite from last year; now, instead of no one scoring points against him, he scores points against nobody. He's been under 60 points twice, and his play from week to week has ranged from dreadful to lucky. He's rarely looked solid all around...but hey, 3-4 is 3-4, which in our league is nothing to scoff at.

Strong Men:
QB: Drew Brees is solid, if less prolific than last year. This is all Ryan has going for him.

Weak Vaginas:
WRs: Andre Johnson has under performed, Steve Smith is not great, and Lee Evans, one good game aside, is not the answer to Ryan's woes.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
RBs: Well, there's eight of them, so they can't all be bad, right? Ray Rice, Ryan's "anchor" has been all over the place this season, and the rest of his team is scattered with marginal talent and no name scrubs. Blount this week, Ryan? Really?

Forecast: Cloudy. Remember, Ryan is on a two game streak...but I'm not yet buying in. I think he'll prevail twice on his schedule (I'm picking him over Scott and Peter, though I wouldn't put it past him to win three or lose them all. But realistically I'm placing Ryan at 2-4 over the next 6 games, which would put him at 5-8, not enough to make the playoffs.

Peter: Mile High Club
Record: 3-4
PF: 490 (#10)
PA: 588 (#6)
Current Rank: 8
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 4 (disastrous)
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

Peter has under 500 points in 7 games...and has 3 wins?!?! It's bizarre. He's been under 60 points 4 times...and one of the times he won! That victory is still a big mushroom stamp on the face of our league (thanks, Scott). I should commend Peter that he's actually much improved from previous years...in record only. His team is just as bad. Echoing back to a text I received from Kim, "does Peter try to be bad?" I wouldn't put it past him. This is the guy who for Halloween one year went as "creepy."

Strong Men:
None

Weak Vaginas:
QB: Neither McNabb or Sanchez has had a good fantasy week since Week 3. If only he still had Flacco...oh wait, that wouldn't help much, regardless.
RBs: This is the guy who regularly has to start John Kuhn. He picks up any scrub RB (cough, Forsett) dropped by another team because he's that desperate. Knowshon looked good last week, though, so there's hope.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs: There's just so many...and they all have their ups and downs (Except Eddie Royal. Do not want.). I can't fault Pete's WRs...but I can't praise them either. They are the most ambiguous of ambigous genitalia, like a swollen clitoris or something.

Forecast: God, Peter's team boggles my mind. I think Peter could easily lose every game...but I think he'll beat Scott, and I've amassed enough bad Karma against Peter for a million losses...so with a little luck, Peter could go 3-3 and hit 6-7. Playoff bounds? Not without some major tiebreakers, but it'll mark the first time in awhile Peter hasn't been part of the absolute basement.

Drew: The Frum
Record: 2-5
PF: 603 (#5)
PA: 674 (#2)
Current Rank: 9
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:28-21 (the, by far, strongest schedule to date)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21 (NO BREAKS)

Drew is like the Soviet Russia of our league; a lot of hype, but no nuclear weapons. He'll put up plenty of strong performances, but like the Lenins and Stalins of the world, they are simply no match for our own brand of ass-kicking democracy. Drew's team doesn't melt down, but it isn't a 100+ point kind of team, either, and for some reason, everyone he plays seems to get over 100 points (four of his five losses have been to teams scoring 101+ points). He's got a pretty solid team...but he might be in too big of a hole to climb out of.

Strong Men:
QB: Aaron Rodgers = the kind of QB I want. Guaranteed fantasy points, no epic meltdowns, lots of close games for running up passing yards.
RB: As much as I hate Frank Gore, I must give credit where it is due; he's been very beastly this season. Byes hurt Drew this weak (Hello, Tim Hightower), but his RB corp is strong like bull.

Weak Vaginas:
None, actually, but plenty of...

Ambiguous Genitalia
WRs: Good group overall...in the past two weeks. Besides Jennings, I AM NOT CONVINCED. Their spottiness spells trouble

Forecast: I actually think Drew will win 4 of his games, though byes are crushing his soul this week. Hold on, I mean to say Drew has the potential to win 4 games...he probably won't, just because of dumb luck. And 3-3 will not be enough to get him to the playoffs at 5-8. Better luck next year!

Scott: Prestige Worldwide
Record: 1-6 (jeepers)
PF: 624 (#3)
PA: 634 (#3)
Current Rank: Absolutely Last
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:27-22
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19

You don't often see the #3 point scorer in the league sitting at #10 with one win. Oh wait, we did, with Peter, last year. Regardless, Scott's team is the new Peter. He's 1-6 but has a 10 point PF/PA difference. That's not unlucky, it's like, cursed unlucky. Scott is actively cursed. Whether it's God punishing Scott for his easy fourth year medical student schedule, his heavy drinking, or some other sundry sin he's stuffed in his washing machine, Scott is fucked this season. Absolutely fucked. Plus, he's the lucky man who gets to play both Kyle and Donel twice (not helping). He also gets Peter and myself, which is more of a tossup, but hey, he's proven he can lose to us in the past.

Strong Men:
QB: Vick and Flacco = good. This week? Byes! Hello Matthew Stafford. This "strong" rating only applies after this week is well over.
WR: Calvin Johnson picks this year to be awesome. WTF?

Weak Vaginas:
Actually, none. I would have said kicker, but I love Janikowski.

Ambiguous Genitalia
RB: AP good. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones = bad. I'm split. But their not, like, Peter level of bad, or even Travis.

Forecast: Constant thunderstorms. It's impossible to predict Scott's chances because he's proven week in and week out that he is able to lose at a moment's notice, no matter how many points his opponent puts up. A team in out league HAS made the playoffs from 1-6 before (that would be me, year 1, finishing at 6-7 and claiming the 7th/8 playoff spots), so he's not only mathematically in the equation but has precedent for a late comeback...but that schedule, man! At best he'd go 4-2 (not enough), but more realistically I'm calling 2-4 for a basement dwelling 3-10.


Manager's note: I've started compiling data of how well all of our players do from week to week and plan to have a stat-a-palooza towards the end of the season. This will also serve to show how well people drafted, etc. Just a head's up. I'm also going to give out all the regular awards this week, but I've already talked too much, so you'll have to check your trophy catalog for info.

One last thing...

http://www.hulu.com/watch/187738/saturday-night-live-sex-ed-vincent

This is a must see. 

Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 6: Timeless Trends and Teams Trapped in the Past

*Note, this week's WNQ may be even shoddier than usual as I'm working all week with no breaks.

There are some thing I've come to rely on in Fantasy Football. And I'm not talking about Matthew Berrys' podcast or the power of a good trade or the fact that Joseph Addai will always be injured for the rest of time. I'm talking about the trends that, year in and year out, will always be fashionable in our fantasy league. Let me present a few of them that are either well on their way to being true or need a little boost to get there.

1) The Curse of the Early Front Runner

I've harped on this before, (and I've lost access to the old leagues, so I can't do my research on this point), but is there any doubt that getting off to an early start is the kiss of death for you fantasy football team? We're all familiar with Ryan's epic 6-0 start as well as his epic 6-7 finish. But we forget the times when Travis, long-considered the dominant team, loses in the playoffs to a much luckier Scott Baker team, which I feel like happens every year. Did Kyle's great suckiness this week remind you of what happens to the frontrunners? For reference, at the end of the second round of games, Kyle still had managed only 9 points. 9! Somebody up there hates Kyle.

2) Playoff Inequity

Our playoffs tend to be like MLB playoffs in that the same teams go every year, with a couple of stragglers thrown in there representing the "hope of the underdog." Case in point: in 3 previous seasons, five teams have made the playoffs every time: Kyle, Travis, Jason, Scott, and Donel (with Donel being the NFC West of the bunch and having zero chance of winning. Regardless!). The other spots have rotated through myself and Drew, though, for all you loyalists, you'll remember the 10 team playoff of our monstrous 14 league team included a ton of people...though I still don't know if Peter was amongst them.

So what does this mean? Well, certainly, Kyle and Travis are in position to repeat their playoffs runs/inevitable losses to Scott or Jason in the finals, sitting at #1 and #3 in our league (the beforementioned curse nonwithstanding). Donel, also, at #2, looks like he's on the right track. And Jason, as up and down as he is this season, is sitting pretty at #5. Unfortunately for our consistency, #10 Scott, while not mathematically eliminated, has a desperately uphill battle to the playoffs. That leaves an unheard of two open spots, ones that myself, Drew, and Kim (!?!?!) are in the hunt for.

3) The Curse of Peter Emiley

Peter has lamented his status as unfortunate league punching bag multiple times in the past, showing off his 3-10 record while boasting 100000 points scored but 100001 points against. Peter's team isn't looking much better this season, but Scott is the one wearing the Shawl of Shame at this point. Scott's losses thus far this season have been by 2, 9, 1, 6, and 1 point. He actually has a positive PF/PA ratio...with only one win! This is the kind of mindboggingly unfortunate statistic usually only slathered on Peter's team. Somewhere inbetween this season and last Peter clearly stuck Scott with a hypodermic needle full of bad karma.

4) Jason + The Waiver Wire/Free Agent Auction

Jason has made 24 acquisitions in 6 weeks. 4 players per game! He leads the league in said stat, as well as in activated players, which I'm not sure what it is, but probably means hes playing a lot of different people all the time. Ridiculous! Now, he's well off his 90+ pace of years before, but it's not for lack of trying, just lack of funds.

Fun fact: Donel has started just 13 different players this season, to Jason's 55. 13! I writhe with envy.

5) All girls who play in our league stink

Up for review! To be determined, pending Kim's resurgence vs. meltdown.

Text Messages of the Week!

I was in Ann Arbor watching these games with Scott, so I don't really have any text messages from him.

Me (to Kyle, after all his early game starters had just finished): Nice 4 points.
Kyle: My guys decided to take the week off

Awards Roundup 

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Ryan Good

He won a game! He scored 101 points! Turns out you can teach a dead dog new tricks.

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Kyle Bohm

It was looking iffy for awhile as to whether or not Kyle would be able to reach double digits. Guaranteed fail.

The Eagle Eye Award: Jeremy Maclin, 27 pts

Who? You got me. Jason is the king of weird nobodies scoring 27 points.

Scrub Starters of the Week

Kim: Hakeem Nicks = 0 pts
Kyle: Willis McGahee = 0 pts (which Kyle deserved, because who starts Willis McGahee anymore?)
Drew: Nate Washington = 0 pts
Peter: John Kuhn = 0 pts (I'm not even shocked Peter's still playing him)

Power Rankings 

1) Kyle (last week, 1) 5-1

I'm not going to let one week sway me into believing Kyle's team sucks. Just kidding! MWAHAHAHA! THE CURSE IS UPON YOU!

2) Travis (last week, 2) 4-2

What did Travis' fingers say to Kyle's face? I don't know even need to type the answer. You know. I wonder if we've officially seen the changing of the guard

3) Donel (last week, 3)

Uh oh, we're getting kind of stagnant at the top, aren't we? Donel's team wasn't particularly impressive this week, but he didn't have to be! Peter cures all wounds.

4) Me (last week, 4)

I'm man enough to admit that I got lucky Kim's team had a meltdown. I didn't look great these week, a few stars aside.

5) Jason (last week, 7)

Jason has a dangerous team. He's playing all randos from week to week so there's a chance that they'll either a) do exactly as they are expected (read: nothing), or b) blow up for 27 points. This makes Jason a 100 point threat every game...as well as a 10 point threat. I don't see him winning out three times in the playoffs, but I can see him making the playoffs and making at least one team very sad.

6) Drew (last week, 6)

Drew mostly got unlucky for being the only 80 point scoring team to face someone who wasn't sucking. I still think you got it, Drewski.

7) Kim (last week, 5)

Take out LT and Kim is under 50. Could that trade have done her in? No chance. Her team is so desperately thin, these by weeks are going to crush the life out of her

8) Scott (last week, 8)

Scott keeps putting up points (#3 overall this week) and keeps losing games. Fun fact: did any of you see the score of Scott's game switch overnight from 98-97 Scott to 99-98 Jason? As if it wasn't bad enough he lost, he also had the possibility of victory stolen from him by an angry machine

9) Ryan (last week, 9)

I need to see that two weeks in a row before I believe Ryan's lies.

10) Peter (last week, 10)

Horse.

Week 7 Fearless Predictions

3-2 last week! If only I had seen Ryan Good coming...Also, to be fair, Donel didn't win by 80, so I guess I didn't cover my own spread

Rob (4-2) vs Donel (4-2)

Well, I enjoyed having a brief winning streak! It is ending this week. It's Byweeksville right now, population: me

Donel by 20

Kyle (5-1) vs Jason (3-3)

Jason's only QB is on byweek and he has $0 for free agents. If we each pick up 2 QBs, Jason is fucked! Unfortunately, that is not going to happen...and Kyle is starting Chad Henne

Jason by 10

Travis (4-2) vs Ryan (2-4)

Seeing as how Travis doesn't melt down and lightning doesn't strike twice, I think Ryan's toast

Travis by 12

Drew (2-4) vs Peter (2-4)

Welcome to underachieversville! I still can't bet on Peter.

Drew by 5.

Scott (1-5) vs Kim (3-3)

If there was ever a time to redeem himself, it is nigh.

Scott by 20

One Last Thing

Tune in next week for a special Midseason WNQ breakdown! Also:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8CYHae2BR0&feature=related

Bet ESPN didn't know how quickly this commercial would be out of date 

Wednesday Night Quarterback on Tuesday (since I'm working all day tomorrow): Week 5: A Peek Behind the Curtains

Tuesday morning, 10/12/10, 0800
Location: Mile High Club Team Headquarters

Peter strolled into the dimly lit headquarters of his football team. The receptionist greeted him. "Oh, and sir," she said, reaching under her desk. "A couple of things came for you."

First was a bouquet of a dozen golden roses; Peter thought they smelled like success. "We are very sorry for your loss. May our awesomeness somehow rub off on you through these priceless roses. Sincerely, Team Buffalo."

That was nice of him, Peter thought. He wasn't one to buy into voodoo on a normal basis, but had been thinking that he was going to need all the help he could get.

"That's not all," said the receptionist, reaching under her desk once more. She lifted up a gigantic edible arrangement covered in chocolate covered pineapples, freshly cut strawberries, and oxidized banana slices. "It's from Rob."

Uh oh. Peter opened the card, which was quite wordy, as Rob tended to be. "Hey Pete, congratulations on your terrible defeat! I just heard from the Board of Directors and they offered me a job as your replacement, but I told them to go fuck themselves. Not because I wouldn't enjoy wallowing in your shame, but because I don't like signing up to captain the Titanic. But hey, on the plus side, I'm looking for a new special teams coach! You interested? Love, Rob."

"You also got this telegram," the receptionist said, before Peter could respond with unending profanity to Rob's card.

"Peter: thanks for making my team look good. Your friend, Ryan Good." Peter's heart sank. He realized he had hit rock bottom.

"Anything else?" The receptionist shook her head. "Thanks, receptionist," he said. He took a step to his office, then paused. "Why is this place to dimly lit today anyway?"

"Well," the receptionist began, "I think there are a few reasons. First and foremost, no one comes to watch our games because it's embarrassing to see Donovan McNabb cry up close. Second, we've been under a lot of fire since publicity tried to get people into games by offering a free John Kuhnskin cap for each of the first 1000 ticket buyers. Third, I hear the board is trying to save money to hire your replacement." She cleared her throat. "Also, I'm not your receptionist. I'm your wife. Remember? You had to let your receptionist go because this team makes no money and everyone hates it."

"Oh, right," Peter said. "That all makes a lot of sense. Thanks, honey."

Peter walked into his office and hit the light switch; the ceiling light went from off to dim. There was a letter sitting on his desk.

September 12, 2008

By Hand Delivery and Federal Express

Dear Peter:

Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.

However, you continue to make public statements that are critical of the organization, its players as a whole as well as individual players. Such statements constitute conduct detrimental to the Mile High Club and I will no longer stand silently by while you continue to hurt this organization.

Further, your contract is quite clear that you work “subject to the direction and supervision of the General Partner’’ and that the General Partner has the “exclusive right to do all things, which in its sole discretion are necessary to maintain and improve the Club, the football organization and their activities.’’

I realized when I hired you that you were young and inexperienced and that there would be a learning process for you. Your mistakes on player personnel (Correll Buckhalter?! Really?) and coaches (Saints D/ST?! Really??) were overlooked based on our patience with you. But I never dreamt that you would be so awful in all aspects of the game. Your actions are those of a coach looking to make excuses for not winning, rather than a coach focused on winning.

For example, with the exception of Rob Bironas (who we all knew would be good and you paid no money for), you were involved in drafting all players and determining salaries for them and you were explicit in your desire to sign such studs as John Kuhn, Kenneth Darby (whose name I had to look up because I don't even know who he is) and Greg Olsen amongst others. All were a must to sign in your eyes, Kuhn in particular, because you had heard Jason was going to pick him up, as he does for all available players who have ever once touched a football during a game. Do not run from that now.

I do realize that you did not want to draft Joe Flacco. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team! Stop trading away our only good players for Dez Bryant, asshole.

In regards to your recent fabrications about the defense, during the final cuts you made every cut on offense and every cut on defense. Further more, during the games on Sunday Kyle lit you up we got killed by the most amount a points any fantasy team in our league has ever lost by.

This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, ie, don't stop sucking it up like no other suck has ever sucked, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.

By: (Al Davis signature)

I can't take all the credit for the above rant, since Peter actually sort of gave me the idea after his abysmally abysmal game this week (which you'll see proof of in the text messages of the week section). In one swoop Peter managed to score the least points of any team this season (Kim had been wining that category with a scant 50) as well as the biggest blowout loss (though, to be fair, the previous holder of this award was still him, only that loss was by 52, not 72).

So what is going wrong with this team? Other teams in the league are bad, but not this bad week-in and week-out. Remember, too, that Peter has two wins (divine intervention if I've ever seen it) despite a league-low 306 PF (partially explained by his third-lowest in the league PA at 404.

Part of it can't be blamed totally on Peter; his team has been ravaged by injuries (RIP Green Bay's running game). But there's a fair amount of poor decision making, too. Peter traded Joe Flacco (56 fantasy points thus far) for Dez Bryant (23). Now I know that its unfair to compare QB point numbers straight up, so I'll give some statistics. In the past three games Flacco has put up 22, 12, and 15 pts. Dez Bryant has put up 5, bye week, and 2 (11 if you count the week before that, which was his season high). I realize you can't start 2 QBs, and if you've got two good ones ultimately one needs to go. But at what cost? Joe Flacco has a week where he put up as many points as Dez Bryan has this season...and you'd have to be joking to believe that was a fair trade. ESPECIALLY considering the lengths some people in this league (population: me) went to get a QB of even decent value. Would Peter have preferred Hines Ward? I would have willingly traded him for Flacco. Poor decision making skills; Al Davis was right!

So how can this team get better?

1) Luck/Prayer. Because really, that's the only thing that is going to work here.

2) Very strategic trading. This is hard because, honestly, Peter has nothing to trade. All of his players are awful. What he needs at this point is to trade any single player he has that's good for two that are average...because at least with a team full of average players he stands a chance. Right now his team of scrubs is incapable of beating anyone (but me), which will lead to a long season.

3) Stalk the Free Agent Market. A la Jason. Money wise I think Peter's not winning too many bidding wars, so its going to be all about finding that choice pick one week before everyone else. Good luck with that, though.

4) Find a sucker. Remember Nava and Steven Jackson-gate? If Peter can get himself on the receiving end of one of those deals, it might be game on.

5) There just aren't five things Peter can do to save that steaming pile 'o team.

Text Messages of the Week

Peter: Fantasy Fail
Peter: I think my team is looking for a new manager behind my back
Rob: You're right. I've been contacted. They say they're trying to move in a new direction: scoring points.
Peter: Look, we run a clean, strict organization. It may not be obvious on the field yet, but we're building something here. It's a 3 year plan.
Rob: Is that a Charlie Weis quote?
Peter: 2008 Notre Dame was the model for my team in fact
Rob:I thought it was the 2008 Detroit Lions
Peter:Matt Millen is another hero

Kim: Don't be too hard on Peter this week. And try not to point out that Forte alone almost outscored his whole team... (guess I failed to honor both those requests)

Scott: I'm 1-4...people should be lining up to play me

Awards Roundup!

The Shit the Bed Award/The Soulcrusher Award: Kim over Peter by 72

The funny part is this award isn't designed to be given out every week, but Peter's team keeps hitting disastrously new lows. I know, dead horse. I'll stop now.

St. Mary's Award For the Blind: Peter, 37 pts

Dead Horse!

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Donel

All those things I said about Donel's team being undynamic without CJ having a 40 point game? I take it all back. Bonus points for beating Jason!

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Drew

Just because Peter's too easy. Also, I'd like to point out that Drew's bench outscored his team this week, an impressive feat for 7 players (or 6 players and Mario Manningham). Consider this managerial punishment. Peter, you'll get this award next week.

Eagle Eye Award: It's a tie!

Ray Rice (Ryan) with 27 and Malcolm Floyd (Kyle) with 27. Let us now be assured Malcolm Floyd will never again be the #1 point winner of the week.

Scrub Starters of the Week

I'd like to start by saying this is my first week absent from this list. Sad, isn't it? I count the little victories.

Ryan Good: Mark Clayton, 0 pts. Also, out for the season. Slap!
Peter: Lance Moore 0 pts
Peter: Anquan Boldin, 0 pts
Peter: Greg Olsen, 0 pts (Horse! Dead!)
Kyle: Jermichael Finley, 0 pts (text from Kyle: It's pretty awesome that my stud TE gets injured on the first play of the game trying to tackle the defender after the scrub TE fumbles it)
Drew: Tim Hightower 0 pts
Drew: Vikings D/ST -2 pts

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (last week:1) 5-0

I can't argue with the record, but I will say this: this is the second week in a row Kyle has looked unspectacular but still beaten his even less spectacular opponent. Also, Kyle has only 303 PA this season...thats 73 less than the next closest, Kim at 376. That is just out of control. As Ryan showed us last year, that will not last. However, Kyle is scoring the third most overall points, so maybe it will? Golly.

2) Travis (last week:2) 3-2

What was that about a curse? 119 points later and I'm starting to believe. Also, 7 players above 100 pts? Are you kidding me? I can't wait until Travis plays Kyle...this week!

3) Donel (last week: 4) 3-2

I believe! I believe!

4) Me (last week: 5) 3-2

I believe a little less in this one, but I'm holding by ground here. I'm not as awful as once believed, but I also encourage people to not believe the hype I'm giving myself here. This team is just okay

5) Kim (last week: 7) 3-2

Kim's team is an enigma to me. AP only managed 10 pts this week but it didn't matter; her WRs (not including Kevin Walter), who had been dormant all season, just exploded their ability all over the place. Her team's not as hopeless as it once seemed, but I need to see consistency before I move her ass up.

6) Drew (last week: 3) 2-3

Drew falls for the loss this week, but hold some ground because you can't pick all the wrong players every week, can you?

7) Jason (last week: 6) 2-3

91 pts aint bad...except when you're playing monster Donel. I will say: nice job benching Schaub, who I wouldn't have guessed was going to have 3 pts. I'll also say: way to go starting Sam Bradford, who overachieved with 4 pts.

8) Scott (last week 8) 1-4

Scott = in trouble, which is surely driving him crazy considering how much time he puts into this. That being said, he doesn't look as hopeless as...

9) Ryan (last week: 10) 1-4

How did hapless Ryan Good jump Peter this week? First, Ryan's team may be unbalanced and sort of bad but at least there's the chance of players blowing up...Peter's players rarely touch the ball. Also, I looked at the schedule and I saw Peter's going to play Ryan again this season, which means a second win. I don't see Peter winning any more games, so I think Ryan will ultimately have the edge.

10) Peter (last week: 9) 2-3

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE

Week 6 Fearless Predictions

2-3 last week, including the terrible prediction of "Kim winning in a close one." I've learned to stop betting small

Rob 3-2 v. Kim 3-2

I believe this one will be close. Oh wait! My best RB is on by, as is my closest thing to a backup. Toast!

Kim by 15

Scott 1-4 vs Jason 2-3

Tough to call, but teams can be decent when they want to be. Neither team is really suffering from by weeks, so...

Jason by 9

Kyle 5-0 vs Travis 3-2

Definitely the game of the week. My wishful thinking makes me think Travis, esp. since he's got zero byes this week

Travis by 5

Drew 2-3 vs Ryan 1-4

Drew's getting to 500 this week!

Drew by 15

Donel 3-2 vs Peter 1-4

My only question is whether lightning can strike thrice. My prediction: yes

Donel by 80

One Last Thing

Does Bruno Mars not look just like a slightly girlier version of Donel? Is that racist?

Wednesday Night Quarterback (Amped up Monday Night Edition): Week 4: Sacrilege Special

The Lord's Prayer

Our Foster, who art in Texas
Hallowed be thy legs
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
In Oakland as it was in Indy

Give me today about thirty points
And forgive me for doubting you
As I forgive those who doubt my team
And lead us not into devastation
But deliver us from Scoba

Touchdown.

I'm pretty sure no one is as amped up as I am right now after the Patriots made Miami look silly. You know a game is getting out of hand when the announcers start coming up with statistics like, "this is the first time in history a team scored a TD rushing, passing, on a kickoff return, on a blocked punt, and a blocked field goal, all in the same game." Not that that isn't awesome, but the rest of the country must have been bored to death. I wasn't. Add onto that Scott and I both had actively players and I managed to win? Cake! Cake! With icing!

Ahem. Now that that's out of the way...This week was really epic...Biblically so.

Divine Intervention of the Week: Scott and I were battling it out point for point with Gostkowski kicking field goals for me and Marshall hauling in (blissfully short yardage) catches for Scott. After a TD the patriots decide to go for two, which means no extra point for my kicker. But NO! Edelman false starts and the patriots decide to kick an extra point! Subsequently: I win by one point. Thanks, God.

God spares Isaac, Abraham relieved: MJD has been awful all season. Just. Awful. I think he broken 10 points once. But like a good believer, Kyle starts MJD faithfully and is rewarded with a monstrous 23 points (that he doesn't need to beat Peter, but whatever). True believers rejoice!

Bring in the floods: While Kyle brought in a tidal wave of biblical proportions, Peter hadn't quite finished his ark, leading to a 52 points loss. 52! That's a league high. Remember how I scoffed at Peter's 2 wins? I will continue. Scoff scoff scoff! For the record, Peter's high scorer was his kicker, with 10 pts.

Yahweh smites Pharoah: Travis and Jason had a terrific game going on, with Travis coming from behind on the strength of Henne and Moss. Well, sort of. Overconfident, gluttonous Pharoah Travis expected big things from Mr. Moss...but the Lord hates rich white people! SMITTEN! Randy Moss gets a big 0 points and with Travis and Jason tied Henne throws and interception and is pulled from the game. God loves them Jews.

Sodom suffers: Ryan, that loose-pursed lecher, spending all of his money on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. The angels came to Drew Brees and said, be there a righteous player on this team, I shall spare it. Drew Brees said, "hey, I'm a saint, right? I'm righteous, then." To which the angels replied, "meh." They then went about the town and saw a city of starved has-beens, envious never-weres, and many more men characterized not by their skill, but by hubris. The angels said to Drew Brees, "leave this team, and take with you the Chargers D/ST and Andre Johnson," for you are the only worthwhile players, including the bench! But do not look back to see the destruction, because this team flat our sucks." And so the group set off, but Andre Johnson looked backwards, and in anger the Angels turned him into a last-minute high ankle sprain and gave him 0 points.

The judgment day approaches: Four of the top five scorers of the week were in the same two games. Scott was actually the second highest overall scorer, while Travis, in losing, would have easily beaten the winner of the Donel/Good snoozefest or the Flum/Vanderzee spanking. Alas, we all pay for our sins in the end.

Text Messages of the Week! 

Peter: "I benched TO around noon." [in retrospect, those 28 points would not have helped]

Kyle: "You never play Donal Driver and he always scores like 10+ points! That what happens when you dis the pack attack."

Me (to Scott): The Titans have a player named Courtland Finnigan. And he's black! Talk about breaking name stereotypes
Scott: Half black?
Me: Maybe? I've never been good at the black/not black game.

Scott: I have a permanent no Addai policy on my team.

Scott: What happened to Cutler? I just turned it on. They said he hasn't come out of the locker room."
Me: Shame probably

Me: I want 5 FG's and Brandon Marshall C-spine'd early


Awards Roundup! 

The Soulcrusher Award/The Shit The Bed Award

How cruel, fate is. Peter, who last week earned himself the Soulcrusher trophy by dominating me by 38, this week relinquishes said trophy in the face of his 52(!!!!!!) point defeat to Kyle, who really doesn't need more things to make him happy at this point. To which I say: REALLY? Peter now has 269 points of total offense in 3 games...and he put up over one hundred when he played me? I'M SO UPSET.

P.S.: Congrats Kyle. I hate you.

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Scott

Ever feel really bad about beating someone? Yea, me neither. But I had to give it up to Scott for outscoring everyone but me. Also, I sucked so bad the last two weeks that one week does not a trophy make. For now! Plus, he's letting me stay at his house during Homecoming, so I need to suck up now so he doesn't make me sleep with the cat.

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Peter

53 points. It's not even the worst of the year (Ryan still holds that dubious honor). But I mean...let's be serious. When Rob Bironas is the headline of your team, the only road to take is the road of sadness. Let me break this down: 7 players on Peter's team went for 7 or less points, and the other two topped out at 10. At least he hit double digits, right? I honestly would love to give this award to Ryan every week because his team is just so bad, but Peter sucks so convincingly sometimes that it's hard to ignore. Plus, I have no sympathy for him! 2-2!?! How is this team 2-2?!?! Oh yea, http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/boxscorequick?leagueId=300759&teamId=2&scoringPeriodId=1&seasonId=2010&view=scoringperiod&version=quick. Blech.

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Me! Arian Foster, 30 pts.

Arian Foster, thank you for always being there for me. Unlike Steve Smith, who I hate. Our first repeat top scorer of the year! Second place goes to the throwback alert of the week: LT with 27. Where did this guy come from? Oh right. The Chargers.

Scrub Starters of the Week 

Rob: Jay Cutler -3 (my QB woes continues...though you'll notice I don't have a defense on this list for the first time this season! Yahoo!)
Scott: [SPECIAL INCLUSION!] Michael Vick, 2 (INJURY FACE. Mwahahaha!)
Ryan: Marshawn Lynch, -2 (playing a Bill, Ryan? You of all people know better.)
Kim: Maurice Morris and Santana Moss, 0 each (Kim's made fun of me a lot of wanting to trade for Adrian Peterson. I think her claims that the trade isn't to her advantage are reasonable. You know what else is reasonable? Trading three serviceable running backs (Addai, Wells, Bush) to a team that, besides Adrian Peterson, has no one. This bye week meant she started Maurice Morris. MAURICE MORRIS. Desperation alert!)
Travis: Randy Moss, 0 pts (ouch. Sorry Travis, that just sucks)

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (last week:1)

Not only did Kyle's offense blow the fuck up this weekend, but all of the 2-1 teams lost...putting Kyle 2 games ahead of everyone in the division. Can you smell playoffs? On the downside, his bench is pathetic...to the point where he had to start Maroney this week, a sure sign of oncoming demise. But seriously, if you can score triple digits with Maroney in play, you're on to something. A clear #1

2) Travis (last week:2)

Yea yea yea, he lost this week. But he still looked better than most of the teams that won. The problem? I think this team is cursed. Travis is just finding ways to lose these games.

3) Drew (last week: 5)

In the sea of 2-2 teams, Drew's isn't bad. He's got reliable RBs and a great QB. His WRs are awful, straight up. For the second week in a row they couldn't get more than 7 pts combined. And he didn't look great this week with 71 pts, but a win is a win.

4) Donel (last week: 4)

Speaking of teams that look bad...Donel wins, but with 66 points? The sad fact: Donel's team is undynamic without a big game by Chris Johnson. When CJ is on, Donel will be on, but any slow game spells doom for his chances. The plus side? Johnson's on a whole lot. I'm holding Donel at 4

5) Me (last week: 9)

This is not because I think my team is any good. Let's get that straight. The best I can say of my team is it has definite explosive potential. Two weeks over 100, two weeks under 70. I've got a spotty team of people threatening to blow up, plus major issues at QB (thanks for those -3, Jay Cutler. Vandy sucks!), but I can still give good teams terrible fits when my offense comes together.

6) Jason (last week: 7)

Slowly but surely, Jason's team is showing, hey! We're not awful. The problem I see is in the guess work. Jason's team is all about matchups and predictions; he's got a lot of possible flex options that he has to start every week and he can't always guess who's going to blow up and who's going to suck (see: 2 WRs with 1 point each). But his team's turning out surprisingly solid, and it's really fun to watch him scramble to bid on every player at $0 each auction

7) Kim (last week: 3)

No AP = no chance of victory. Until Kim gets some depth, she's sunk. I'm not saying she won't make the playoffs, but one slow game by Peterson and she's gone.

8) Scott (last week:6)

I actually like Scott's team a lot...it's pretty deep, he's made some good player picks (what a bargain LT looks like now...and who through BenJarvus Green-Ellis would threaten to become a relevant part of the NE offense?). But the sad fact is he's 1-3. He's in a big hole, and this week's barnburner didn't help him.

9) Peter (last week:8)

I think I've said enough about Peter's team.

10) Ryan (last week: 10)

Now taking bets for what date and time Ryan asks if we can NOT do an auction draft next year.

Week 5 Fearless Predictions! 

Huh! Last week I actually went 4-1 on predictions, my lone mistake being not guessing myself. That's fine. I'm never guessing myself to win a game ever. I hate letting myself done. 6-4 record all time for predictions? Not bad! Y'all might have to believe I know what I'm talking about.

Rob (2-2) vs Ryan (1-3)

Okay, so on paper this sounds like a blow out win for me. Not so fast! Based on my "win a game, lost a game" philosophy, I'm inevitably going to put up no more than 60 pts, and Ryan will crawl to 62

Ryan by 2

Kim (2-2) vs Peter (2-2)

Kim gets AP back, but loses Brady and Welker. Bumbumbum! Luckily, she's playing Peter, who I think she'll beat in a close one

Kim by 4

Jason (2-2) vs Donel (2-2)

This one looks like a wash to me. I have no way of predicting Donel's output (126 points? 66 points? Who knows?). What I do know is I expect Jason to be consistent, so I have to give him the edge.

Jason by 5

Kyle (4-0) vs Scott (1-3)

Scott might be the best 1-3 team we've had...but I don't think Kyle is losing this one. MJD vs the Bills? No byes? Helloooo victory!

Kyle by 10

Travis (2-2) vs Drew (2-2)

Another bye-heavy week for Travis, which makes me confused. Travis's team still has potential for greatness...but I'm confident something will happen to make Travis lose for no good reason. Tony Romo -27 perhaps?

Drew by 1

One Last Thing

MGoBlog has been advertising this awesome Michigan football wallpaper website...some are better than others, but this one I enjoy: