Wednesday Night Quarterback: Post-Call, and Ahead of Schedule Week 2 Edition

There comes a point in every FF manager’s life where they inevitably become what they hate. The one thing that he or she has railed on for seasons is suddenly the reflection of what their team has become. It’s a sobering reality that fantasy football is cyclical. Sometimes, you’re Scott Baker. Sometimes you’re Kim Vanderzee.

If you had to think of the one fact that I spent the most time harping on last year, what would it be? I’ll give you a hint: the answer is not how unlucky Peter is, how much Kim’s team sucks, or how many transactions Jason makes a year. No, what I spent the year obsessing over was how Kyle’s team could pull off so many wins while being so bad. Kyle’s team only rarely flashed moments of competency; the rest of the season his team was mediocre at best. But when playing Kyle, you could expect your star QB to tear his ACL, your RB to leave the game with a concussion, your WRs to all get migraines, and your Kicker to out himself for the season while trying to tackle a player on a kickoff return. 49-32 Kyle was not an uncommon score. It seemed to me so unjust that teams would keep winning when they don’t deserve it.

Flash forward one year and hey, what do you know! That’s me sitting pretty at 2-0! My points for? A measly 178, or under 90 a game, the 7^th highest our of ten. My points againt, however? Why, that would be 143 points, or just over 70 per game, the lowest of any team by 32 points. That’s right, my schedule is currently 16 points per game easier than anyone elses. Compare this to Scott, the #2 overall point scorer with 235 (27.5 more than me per game) at 1-1 due to an opponent average of 257 (a staggering 128.5 points per game.).  I haven’t broke 100 points yet this season; Scott’s opponents are averaging 130 points. I think it’s blatantly unfair and deviously lucky, but I can’t argue with good fortune. Though I still hate myself.

Here’s another example. What team has had worse late-season luck than Kyle? Kyle has a long history of spectacular seasons being ripped apart by snippy upstarts who have no business being anywhere near his league. Well, Kyle stands currently as the worst scoring team in our league (RIP Peyton), and while not out of contention by any means, in a very deep hole. After all those years of bitching about being the #1 seed who loses to Scott after the bye week, Kyle now has become the annoying cockroach team that simply will not die.

Takeaway Points

Bob vs. Kyle (of, Shame on You, You Poor Sad Sluts)

Two of three worst scores of the week…and by their powers combined, I become a 2-0 team! I pause for your applause.

Any team where your RB struggle to break ten points COMBINED is going to be in a hurt locker, and right now the combination is ROB-SUCKS-NUTZ. I’ve got consistency without flare, thanks to Arian Foster’s hamstring.

That’s really nothing compared to Kyle, who squandered all his money on Peyton Manning and then got marched to the gas chamber by the AutoDraft-Bot-Of-Doom.  His team is not without shining spots, but there are too many players with no fantasy value cluttering his team. WRs, WRs everywhere, but not a ball is caught.

Travis vs. Scott (or, The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Season 1 Bowl)

Stop me if I’m wrong, but I’m temporarily declaring this the highest score of the revised rules era (discounting the anything goes, 6-points per QB TD season).  Travis is a deadly monster. On the flip side, Scott continues to have the deepest bench in the business, but even his squad of all stars is NOT competing with Travis Almighty

The Frum vs. Stay Healthy Gates (or, The Passing of the Torch)

Remember when Jason never lost and Drew’s team was a bottom-feeder? Me neither. Since his dramatic victory last year, Drew’s sort of been on a roll. Since starting 2-5 last season, drew has a 9 game winning streak and has not lost a game since Week 7 of last season (he had a bye week and a tie in the middle) leaving him 12 weeks out from his last loss. That is, for FF at least, remarkable and unheard of.

Jason has a streak of his own going on; he has beaten only one team in 23 weeks that is not Kim or Travis, and that is Scott in Week 6 of Season 4. Against Kim and Travis over that period of time he is 6-2 against Kim and Travis and 1-14 against EVERYONE ELSE. Isn’t that ridiculous? It’s almost more than coincidence. Almost

Ryan vs. Peter (or, The I Bet Peter Can Score Over 100 Points Yet Lose Every Game This Season, Don’t You Agree Fiesta)

And for insult to injury the gods smite Jamaal Charles where she stands. Which was on the sidelines. Turrible.

Donel vs. Kim (or, And Then the Universe Returns To How Things Were Always Meant To Be)

After blazing forth in a moment of small victory (okay, a tie) last week, Kim decides it’s time for a usual meltdown. Donel, after a rare display of pure tomfoolery, smashes in with 128 points while wisely sitting the Chargers D/ST for the Lions (a 26 point swing!)

Bonus points to Kim’s profile picture, however. Whoever this band “Snatch” is, I have to assume they understood what they were “selling” when they arranged an A/B side as “Snatch: All I Want / When I’m Bored.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Tidbits O’ Knowledge

Despite scoring the same amount of points during Week 1, Travis has 74 more points scored than Kim does after the end of Week 2. Travis could have cut his team in half to play Kim twice and been competitive.

Were you Aware?: All of our user tags are some variation of our name (Bob, Bohm, Feva) etc., except Peter, who uses “MHC,” which of course stands for Major Histocompatibility Complex.

Around The League

I made the point clear to a couple of people that I thought this would be the year that people decided to take advantage of trades. With most good players already snatched up before the draft, it seems like teams would make trades to fill the inevitable holes in their roster. Yet this has failed to happen!

1) Despite having two solid QBs and 5 RBs that scored over 10 points last week, Jason has not managed to use that depth to obtain more than one WR capable of scoring over 5 points during a game.

2) Kim is holding onto two Top 10 TEs, 3 Top 15 QBs, and one RB of any particular worth.

3) Scott’s team is good. How much better would it be if he ditched two of his five feasible starting RBs for an Adrian Peterson?

Spotlight on Transactions

Just when I thought I couldn’t make fun of Jason anymore…In comes Free Agent Saturday! After ditching $23 on Wednesday, I figured Jason would play conservative to either a) have a chance to get a player during the last ten weeks of the season or b) have some shame and not allow himself to be played a fool again. I was wrong.

Jason paid 100% of the overall cash offered for Marques Colston ($16) and Chad Henne ($8), with no other bids being placed for either player. This lowers his budget to $53, which is 32 less than his closest big-spender, Ryan Good.  Break out the $2 bids, boys and girls! We’ll have Jason in a corner in no time.

Manager Evaluation: Week 2

Here’s a breakdown of the lost points that each of us had from our benches this week.

Rob: 20 (Santana Moss over Percy Harvin and Rob Gronkowski over Jermichael Finley)

Kyle: 14 (Addai over Pierre Thomas, Santonio Holmes over Mike Williams)

Travis: 1 (Fitzpatrick over Romo)

Scott: 39 (Stafford over Vick, Gonzalez over Gresham, Green over Steve Smith, Tate over James Starks)

Jason: 11 (Cam Newton over Roethlisberger)

Drew: 0 [MAX SCORE]

Peter: 12 (Spiller over Charles, Antonio Brown over Plaxico, Ochocinco over DeSean Jackson)

Ryan: 7 (Brandon Jacobs over Mike Tolbert, Branch over Jennings)

Kim: 14 (Matt Ryan over Jay Cutler, Hakeem Nicks over Braylon Edwards, Greg Olsen over Vernon Davis)

Donel: 2 (Burleson over Roddy White, Woodhead over DeAngelo Williams)

1) First, congrats to Drew for being the first team to max out their score during a given week by making all the right moves

2) Only the Rob-Kyle and Peter-Ryan games were close enough for bench decisions to have played into who would have won the game, but both were close enough that the outcome would not change if the managers on both sidestook their “ideal team” for the week.

3) The average margin of victory this week is 28.8 points. With this information we can extrapolate that any team that had a LBP of over 28.8 (here’s looking at you, Scott) made management decisions that lost them the game. While Scott had no chance of overwhelming Travis’ 150, you have to expect if this week is run repeatedly Scott will come out on top over Travis more often than not if he makes the right moves.

4) No teams were definitively outcoached this week, though Kyle and Peter both made management decisions that lost the game. Scott, Jason, and Kim were outplayed.

5) This is the second week in a row that Scott had 85 points from his bench, a score that would have beaten Kim, Kyle, and myself this week. This is a double-edged sword. On one hand, the more “solid” players Scott has, the fewer solid players the rest of us have. On the downside, Scott was outplayed this week, not outcoached. Scott has a plethora of good players, while Travis has a small amount of great players. Luckily for Travis, you can only play so many players in a week.

Finally, here are the tallies for LBPs so far on the season:

Donel: 5 [1.0]

Travis: 6 [0.833]

Kyle: 17 [0.294]

Drew: 21 [0.238]

Peter: 29 [0.172]

Ryan: 32 [0.156]

Rob: 34 [0.147]

Jason: 36 [0.139]

Kim: 45 [0.111]

Scott: 46 [0.108]

This represents a general tally for the strength of coaching this year. Low numbers generally mean better coaching while high numbers generally mean worse coaching. This number is NOT supposed to correlate with how good your team is, as a good team can have a terrible coach and still prevail. It is a diagnostic approach to evaluate how skilled each manager is at setting the correct roster. The number in brackets is a factor of how well each manager is doing in comparison to the best manager in the league, which at this point is Donel. There is a very small sample size right now, but per this calculation, for example, Scott is coaching at the 11% the proficiency of Donel at this point in the season. But remember, they’re both 1-1.

Text Messages of the Week!

Donel: Guess puberty and manhood is kicking in all at the same time this week for my squad.

Ryan: Poor Kyle. Good thing he already paid.

Special Email of the Week = Peter: My phone has been dead for two days and my charger is a half-hour drive away, but I still need to complaint to someone about having just watched Jamaal Charles hurt his leg flying into the Lion’s mascot.

Ryan: Another week, another torn ACL for Peter’s team. Tom Brady better watch out – he could be next!

Peter: I’d like to blame it on that dick lion mascot. Who is named “Roary” anyway? Clever, Detroit. Real clever.

One Random Thing

Some of you might watch SNL. Some of you may not. Regardless, I highly recommend watching this clip from the Emmy’s where The Lonely Island plays a medley of its hits from the year.  The individual videos from the songs themselves are good, but the real highlight comes at 2:00.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nfJ5F3XLF8

Wednesday Night Quarterback: One Day Behind Week 1 Edition

This is going to be a big year.

Yea, yea, I know. Every year in fantasy football is a big year. During Week 1 the possibilities seem endless, EVERYONE seems to have a legitimate shot at a title. Good players play as expected, rookies rise from the ashes, the waiver wire is full of delightful options, hope springs eternal, etc. etc. It won't be until about week 4 when the depression sets in over 0-4 records, star RB's pulled hamstrings, Jason's total manipulation of free agents, and the inevitable spiral towards defeat at the hands of Scott "Da Mauler" Baker (TM).

But right now, even for the losing teams, there is still so much anticipation of what is to come that even a temporary setback like below-70 point performances in Week 1 can't be taken too seriously. Every team has a bad week! No one's team can be this bad AGAIN, right? Right? Bueller?

Takeaway Points

 Bob vs. Jason (or, The Game of the Week)

As of Monday morning, there was only one game still in question, and it was this one. Jason was up 60-56 with brandon lloyd still to play, but I had Wes Welker, the Patriots D/ST, and their kicker. You all laughed at my putting all of my eggs in one basket, to which I reply, "99 yard TD pass to Wes Welker, bitches." What looked like it would really come down to the line as of the 3rd quarter blew up in the 4th and put me hopelessly ahead. White receivers save the day! It was a moot point, eventually, since Lloyd only managed 8 points, which I had covered regardless of that paticular play. But still!

Travis vs. Kim (or, The One We'll Only Remember Because They Tied)

Remember how I said there was only one game still in question? Well, I assumed Janikowski and McFadden weren't going to combine for 28 points. I was wrong! While I'm not sure what the exact statistics are on the likelihood of a tie occurring, the fact that we have one every goddamn season seems like our league is verging into the realm of the statistically bizarre. To top that off, while Travis' team looks as good as usual, Kim managed a tie despite having her top scoring overall QB, RB, WR, and TE on the bench. She played all of her worst players and got a tie! My hat is off to you, madam.

Ryan vs Kyle (or, The What Life is Like Without Manning Bowl)

I was feeling sorry for myself about Arian Foster having a sore hamstring. "Wah wah wah," I said to myself. "How can such a terrible fate befall someone so kind, virtuous, and well-spoken as me?" God, hearing my cries, reached down from the clouds and snatched me up. "Quit your whining, you puss," God said. "You want to see problems? I'll show you problems." He then sent a lightning bolt out of his finger that struck down in the heart of Indianapolis, right into Peyton Manning's cervical spine. "Suck on those bulging discs, asshole," God replied, before setting me down in downtown Detroit as part of my punishment. Sorry Kyle. Might be a long season. Also, Ryan: no sooner do you swear off all bills players than they decide they're all going to be amazing. Guess God smote you, too.

Scott vs. Peter (or, This Game Really Wasn't This Close)

Peter was down about 60 before the monday night games, and only that furious Tom Brady performance brought him within 30. I have deep concerns about Peter's probability to perform well down the road (because his team ain't half bad), but I'm much more worried about Scott. What a beast! Scott's two WRs + QB outscored both Jason and Donel's entire team. Say what you will about Keepers, Scott, but I will defend it as this: all that momentum you had from last season has continued. Do I smell a resurrected dynasty? 

Drew vs. Donel (or, Separating the Men from the Boys)

Men: Drew. Specifically, Aaron Rodgers, Matt Forte, and the Ravens D/ST. Drew, our fearless champion, has wasted no time declaring, "hey, I won last year. Suck deez nutz."

Boys: Donel. Specifically, everyone, though I guess Phillip Rivers was a'ight. This was, as you'll recall, a rematch of the championship game from last year. I never thought Donel's team was that super-awesome last year, so color me convinced I was right! But seriously, Donel, I give you a Rated A for Awful for this performance. A for awesome for the team name, though. 

Tidbits ‘O Knowledge

I had forgotten this myself. For reference:

The Baker Division (or, The Shiny Lights of Hope) = Scott, Ryan, Rob, Peter, and Kyle

The FF Division (or, Drew of the Sad, Sad Drewettes) = Drew, Kim, Travis, Jason, and Donel.

Drew is actually alone at the top of the Flum/Fever Division, which seems nearly impossible until you remember that Travis and Kim tied. Good news for Drew/Travis/Kim, though, is that the two worst teams in our league right now, Donel and Jason, are both on their schedules twice. Meanwhile, Scott, Ryan, and I only get to beat up on Manningless-Kyle and Peter The Unexpected.

Did anyone see that ESPN crated a "GMC Never Say Never Trophy" today? BLATANT MERCHANDISING. Without permission they decided they'd give Scott an award with a GMC truck on it. Peter must love this. He's the one who harps against ESPN's "Coors 6-Pack of Facts" and the whole "Pace-Picante and Doritos Presents the Fiesta Bowl in Conjunction with Taco Bell" aspect of college football.

Signs That This Year is Simply Last Year, Again

1. I win...without scoring any points. As has become sort of a tradition on my team, we don't really score much. Yea, one player blows up now and then, but in general crossing 100 is a rarity for me. Yet I still tend to have winning records. How is this possible? For some reason, most opponents tend to play down to my level. It doesn't matter how good your team is: when you play me your chance of putting up triple digit points drops inexplicably. I outscored only three teams this week. Luckily, one was Jason.

2. Peter: The Unluckiest Man Alive. I'm going to start calling him "Lucky Peter," much in the same way that movies usually have a "Tiny Tony" to distinguish the monstrous behemoth man: as a source of irony. Peter is the perfect example of a team that plays up to its opponent...but never quite enough to push through. With a loss despite the third highest score of the week, Peter continues his pattern of having a good team that plays only good enough for him to lose while saving face. I'm making a preseason vote for Peter as eventual points leader...at 3-10.

3. Team names: I see we've gotten too old for switching team names. I suppose that was inevitable. I showed one of my co-interns and he laughed. "My Team? That's creative." If he only knew.

Around the League

In trades this week, is anyone surprised that Jason has started his free-agent-auction-cash hemorrhage? $16 for Cam Newton! Sure, Big Ben had a bad game, but let's be realistic. I also noticed that he refrained from the $90 FAA bid this year, a good sign for a) his team this year and b) overall IQ. Ryan Good was not far behind with $15 for Cadillac Williams.

I look to look at trades in terms of how much you paid for the player compared to how many other people were bidding, and how much.

For Cam Newton, Jason spent $16; the next highest bid was Kim at $5. I also bid for him...for $2. That comes out to an overexpenditure of $10 (regardless of waiver wire status I'd say the goal is to ultimately spend one more dollar than anyone else for a player you want to avoid tiebreakers) while offering up 69.5% of the total auction dollars thrown at him. 

In comparison, Ryan spent nearly the same amount of Cadillac Williams, $15. I big $7 on him, making an overexpenditure of $8, similar to Jason's. However, given bids of $5 by Scott, $4 by Peter, and $2 by both Donel and Travis, that means Ryan only offered up 42.9% of the overall cash offered. I interpret this as a better deal, because while they both over-spent greatly, Ryan did so on an overall more desired player. I believe someone can be forgiven for overspending on a highly desired player because you never know when someone is going to throw down $90 for John Kuhn. That overspending becomes a bad decision when you're bidding on a player that no one else even wants. Jason's expenditure still represents a disconnect with what he thinks a player is worth and what the rest of us do.

For a List of remaining FAA $$$:

Peter, Rob, Drew, and Scott: $100

Kyle: $99

Donel: $98

Kim and Travis (tied again!): $97

Ryan Good: $85

Jason: $77

One more bit of stats for you…

A tally I'm keeping of points left on the bench. This is a culmination of the points that a player lost by not starting certain players. Week to Week the numbers are sort of irrelevant, but over the course of the season I'm expecting trends to emerge. AND I WILL STATISTICIZE THOSE TRENDS.

Rob: 14 (Reggie Wayne over Percy Harvin, Reggie Bush over Derrick Ward)

Jason: 25 (Kevin Kolb over Ben Roesthlisberger, Steve Johnson over Mario Manningham and Hines Ward over Rashard Mendenhall (assuming RB/WR)

Scott: 7 (Ben Tate over Felix Jones and James Starks over AP)

Peter: 17 (CJ Spiller over Knowshon Moreno and Plaxico "Gun to Leg" Burress over Mike Sims-Walker)

Travis: 5 (Robert Meachem over Peyton Hillis, assuming flex spot)

Kim: 31 (Jay Cutler over Eli Manning, Cedric Benson over Dwanye Bowe [flex], Dez Bryant over Marques Colston, Greg Olsen over Vernon Davis)

Kyle: 3 (Santonio Holmes over Joseph Addai at flex)

Ryan: 25 (all from one player, Mike Tolbert over LeGarrette Blount)

Drew: 21 (Fred Jackson, Jordy Nelson, and LT over Frank Gore, Jonathan Stewart, and Jeremy Maclin)

Donel: 3 (Danny Woodhead over Chris Johnson and Donald Driver over Vincent Jackson)

A few bits of information can be drawn from these numbers.

1) The teams with the lowest Lost Bench Points (LBPs) are actually the worst teams at this point. Donel, Kyle, and Travis ended up with two losses and a tie despite basically playing all of their best players. The only exception to this is Scott, who played his best player with dazzlings results, though it raises some questions about depth. 

2) Players who lose games with low LBPs got outplayed. Managers who lose games with high LBPs got outcoached. There was nothing Donel was going to do to beat Drew. However, if Kim had played any of four different players she would have come out with a win. Travis's team, by these numbers, is inferior, but this week he outcoached the Fem.

3) The average margin of victory this week is 22 points. With this information we can extrapolate that any team that had a LBP of over 22 and lost made management decisions that lost them the game. I know, I know, Jason could take all 25 of his bench points and still lose to me this week. But statistically speaking if Jason were to make the changes his choices and Week 1 was re-run 100 times, he would come out on top more often than not. 

4) Teams that lost despite LBPs under 22 just have crappier teams than there opponents. With all other things being equal, I EXPECT that team to lose to their opponent again during the season barring any major lineup changes. With these expected numbers Scott WILL beat Peter unless there is a shake up on either team, just as Kyle will lose to Ryan Good over and over without correction.

5) Since these numbers only represent math and not the random nature of football games, none of this is definite. I can't account for random chance. But by these numbers today Jason, Peter, Kyle, and Donel were all outplayed. In a tie, Kim was outcoached.

Also, kudos to Scott's 85 bench points. His bench beat three teams.

Text Messages of the Week!

Peter: I heard Arian Foster is going to have a huge game today. Start him for sure.

Rob: It’s always hard for me when I have to decide which one of my other terrible RBs I need to start

Peter: Foster.

Jason: Shit I hope Wes Welker breaks his testicles.

Rob: I need the dolphins to stop scoring immediately. A TAINT would be nice

Jason: I’m going to punch Wes Welker in the taint

Scott: I need to trade Steve Smith before he descends to Earth.

(pause)

Scott: Want him?

Rob: Nice call drafting Nate Keading, Injured on the first kickoff of the season

Peter: Kicking is a dangerous job, cut him some slack. Not like I was winning against the buzz saw that is Scott, anyway.

Jason: In the words of Ryan Good: Game Blouses.

Rob: Want to trade a player with me?

Kim: Just finished 24-hour call. Will review once I have slept. It’s probably a crooked deal anyway.

One Random Thing

You may have seen the “Pure Michigan” campaign that our past or present state has mounted to desperately try to stem the tide of slow downward spiral into despair. Even if you haven’t, watch this. It reminds me of Scott and Mundy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FJoRxT6B5g

A Letter From the Commissioner

The winds have picked up again; stagnant during the heat and humidity (location-dependent, of course) of the summer, the crisp breezes of autumn are finally here. With the wind comes the smell of hamburgers on the barbecue; finely-brewed, generously proportioned seasonal ales spiced with pumpkin and squash and other fall flavors; and the sounds of cheers, boos, cries, hallelujahs, and general what-have-yous from stadiums across the stadium.

Lady and gentleman, welcome to Season 5.

There will be a few changes in the LM Notes this season. With my admittedly busier schedule, I might not be able to ramble on for at such great lengths as I have in the past, which will surely all be your loss gain. I also promise to attempt less prognostication this year. My reason for this is twofold. First and foremost, prognosticating fantasy football games is pointless. Unlike a real team of players, bound by one coach and one fate, suffering from momentum swings and mental/physical challenges, our teams comprise players who are individually at the whim of chance. And unlike in real life when you a team simply plays their back up, when Tom Brady goes down with a torn MCL, your team is fucked with a big old Zero at QB.  Nobody knows anything. The trick is not minding. Oh, that’s right, I said “first and foremost,” so there needs to be a second point. Second, I suck at prognosticating.

Our League this year has had some drastic changes, the most drastic (arguably) since the switch to the 10 team format. Yeah yeah, Auction-style drafting changed everything. But I don’t think it caused nearly the alteration in draft strategy that Keepers did—and inevitably will continue causing. I remember thinking, while the Keeper rules were devised, that  a $5 penalty seemed like a pretty strong reason to NOT keep a player. Well, Scott, Jason, and Donel responded with a confident “fuck that.” I’m not particularly surprised about Scott and Jason, two of the most calculating, cutthroat, skilled, maniacal, seasoned, fanatic, winningest owners I know pulling a power play and doubling down on extra keepers. Donel surprised me. I’ll admit, if I had his players, I might have considered it. But Donel seems so level headed. He doesn’t pick up 100+ people per season off waivers. He didn’t spend all his Free Agent money in Week 2. He doesn’t spatter superstitions like “never trade with Bob. You always lose.” But here he is, with a flagship RB (albeit one who has no practiced), a young hotshot, two marquis WRs, and a QB some people love but I think is aight (but definitely better than mine). Meanwhile, Travis cut one of the top 5 WRs because he didn’t have room on his roster of three. We’ll soon see who gets the last laugh.

It’s funny observing how draft strategies this year varied from the year before. Obviously, most players being off the board changed everything ($68 Jamaal Charles, anyone?). However, do you remember the exorbitant spending laid out by Ryan Good on his top 3 last year, forcing the rest of his team to be $1-$5 wonders? Balance that image with the roster he put together this year, full of crafty low double digit and high single digit picks snatched up late after the more foolish (Scott, Jason, myself, the original conservative bidders) had squandered their dollars. We all learned something from last season. Not the least of all being Drew, who wisely learned “ride Aaron Rodgers to another victory, if possible.”

The one thing I’m particularly excited about this season is actually the LEAST important of the changes: divisions. I think a ten team league needs that, to stabilize schedules and to prevent me from sitting back and saying “why does EVERYONE else get to play Kim twice a year but me?”

Before I sign off here before our Week 1 action, a few promises (that I will certainly break and are in no way a binding contract)

Promise 1: I will post at least SOMETHING each week.

This will be difficult. My life is not the life of any, say, Orthopedic 2^nd year resident who hasn’t had a day off in three months, but it’s not all buttercups and daisies. Well, it still is, mostly. But I occasionally have real work to do, but I think that NOT having another blog to worry about will help me stay honest.

Promise 2: I will try to not fall back on old jokes.

Jason overmanages his team and picks up too many people. Peter is unlucky and sort of hapless. Travis can never quite win the biggest games. Kim is a girl. Been there, done that! It’s time for new trends to emerge. I’m going to try to throw the stereotypes out the window and find funnier things to talk about. Until Peter loses by one point for the fourth time this season.

Promise 3: I will retain the right to research as much or as little as I please.

I crunch a lot of numbers in our league, but I do NOT always spend a lot of time researching what I’m typing. I’m more stream of consciousness. When I say things like, “Check out that rookie Michael Vick. He’s so hot right now. Drafted straight from University of Texas,” it’s not my fault I’m stupid.

Promise 4: Peter will get a chance to lambast me again this year! And so will anyone else who desires to!

This isn’t a dictatorship. Well, actually, it sort of is, ever since I found the tab that says “League Manager Tools” and realized I can really do anything, including editing your team’s roster, forcing trades no one wants, and rearranging the scoring on games. I’m not going to do those things, I promise. Maybe if my team was better I would. But if you want to roast the shit out of me or anyone else, please feel free to do so.

Promise 5: Less meaningless statistics, more meaningful statistics this year

I love crunching numbers. Probably because I’m a little bit Asian. Regardless, sometimes after doing hours of work I realize there is no point but I still vomit the information all over just so it isn’t a waste. I’m going to try to do less of this. What I WILL do is find time to chronicle a list of league achievements (say, a Top 10 list of highest and lowest all times scores), as well as personal team highlights and lowlights. I’m also going to try to clean up the trophy case, as it is full of useless awards and clutter that keeps people from finding real information.

Final Promise: I promise to take this job of being Commissioner much, much too seriously.

Big brother is watching.

From Nebraska,

Bob

A History of the League, Part One

This is the first in a series of posts that will chronicle the history of the league’s teams, trials, and tribulations, and see what part they played in the establishment of the now super-competitive, painfully-complex UMMFFA.

UMMFFA’s inaugural season was a well-intentioned but ultimately disastrous example of what can happen when a FF league is started with a “let anyone who wants to play start a team” attitude. Though the season ultimately lived up to the hype that many of us (myself included) had wanted from fantasy football, it was not without a few bumps in the road.

In 2006, I learned about fantasy football from Ryan Good. Okay, “learned” might not be the best word. I’d heard of its existence. I knew groups of people got together, drafted players, formed teams, and played games of some sort to determine a winner. But that was about it. There’s wasn’t much else I knew about fantasy football, which at that time was still fairly out of the spotlight, at least in the circles I ran in. It certainly didn’t have two hours a day dedicated to it on SportsCenter.

Ryan was in a team with some of his friends from undergrad. Some of you know them: the Beasts and Dinos of his past. The ones that inevitably lead Ryan to drunked fits of aggression, occasional slap flights, destroying his own apartment, and nearly falling out a window with his dick in the wind. Those friends. In 2006, our M1 year, Ryan told me about FF and explained to me the ins and outs. I didn’t quite get all the details of FF, and certainly didn’t know much about how to make a successful team, but I did know one thing: FF is a big, month-long game. And I love games.

So in the summer of 2007 I spoke to Ryan said we should make a league for our friends. Ryan was on board (a decision he would at first regret), then we just needed to figure out who else would be. As we were inclined to do back then, that way to get the word out was a mass email.

Some people were dying to be involved. They had either been involved in the past or had always wanted to. This group involved myself, Ryan Good, Jason, Scott, Travis, Donel, Kyle, Phil, Drew, and Karen. Karen was actually one of the most enthusiastic. “I love FF,” she told me during lecture one day. “I won my league last year.” In that way we ended up with our first girl, and so began our league’s long history of gender inequality.

That would have been a nice number of teams. But what did we know about formatting a FF league? None of us had ever started one. The more the merrier! Nava, in typical Nava fashion, emailed me a “I don’t know anything about football but love being included in fun things!” response, and thus came an eleventh team. Ryan Davis, always aloof but desperate to be less so, wanted in as well. Peter didn’t really seem all that excited about it at first; he took some coercion to play. That gave us 13, an awkward, odd, unlucky number. We figured we had already gotten this far, we might as well even it out and find one more team.

Multiple candidates were proposed. Niels was pestered and said, “I just don’t care enough about football.” Justin said, “meh, not interested.” Jon said, “I don’t know if I have time. Maybe next year.” I thought we had a fourteenth member for sure in Tudor, who loved football and Drew said would definitely play. His response: “I’m not very smart and want to go into Urology. If I do Fantasy Football, it will consume my life and I’ll spend all my time doing it and fail out of a med school.”

I thought we were out of options. However, as you will all recall, 518 Lawrence had just come to be and Carissa and Annie were living in our basement. I spoke to Carissa about FF and she said it seemed fun. I promised it would be a “minimal time commitment,” and that it was “just for fun.” I also said Annie could be her “co-manager,” which would mean they would have to do even less work. Amidst all those filthy lies, she agreed to come on as our final team.

Ryan Good was commissioner of that first season. Want to see his first Commissioner’s note?

“The winner of the playoffs will take all the money. If you haven't paid me yet please do so in a timely manner ($5 per team)”

Isn’t that cute? That basically summed up the only rule we had at the time. Ryan also was 1000x less verbose than I am, which led to very succinct, clear statements, as opposed to rambling dialogues on random topics. But I, as usual, digress.

Not everyone may remember this as clearly as I do, but that season was a wreck. First and foremost, we were playing with some alternative rules, including 6 pts per TD for QBs, an additional WR per week, and possibly some other ones I don’t even know about. So scoring was just rampant. Think about it; least season, how many teams broke 130 in scoring? The answer is 2: Donel in Week 7 with 131 and Scott in Week 12 with 130. Here’s a list of the teams that broke 130 in Season 1:

Kyle: 3 times, 150, 142, 130

Jason: Twice, 146 and 143

Karen: Once, 160

Phil: Twice, 145 and 142

Peter: 3 times, 170, 149, 137

Scott: 3 times, 165, 138, 132

There were thirteen scores that season higher than ANY score we had last season. EVERY team seemed able to break 100 on any given week. A score of 130 couldn’t even guarantee you a win; Scott lost to Peter in Week 9 149 to 132.

Also: 14 teams is TOO MANY. Despite the rampant scoring, players were scarce. It was impossible to get more than one or two decent players at any position. And forget about having more than one elite player. Take my 5^th place team that season as an example. My Starting RBs were Frank Gore (who was averaging 10.1 points per game that season) and Marshawn Lynch. My third best RB was…Kenton Keith. At WR, I had Wes Welker and Reggie Williams…then I had Arnaz Battle, and Reggie Brown. My defense outscored EVERYONE on my roster besides by QB.

Also, it would be hard to deny that frustration began to build as teams went inactive.  Karen stopped caring about week 3 and never looked back. Nava disappeared for eight weeks, then decided, “I’ll just drop Steven Jackson,” then proceeded to continue her disappearing act. Ryan Davis changed his name to “Bye Week.” Here’s another fun fact: Carissa didn’t know her log in. I had made the account for her, so the only time the entire season she logged in was in Week 7 when I was so exasperated that I made her. It worked out: she beat Peter that week, and I smirked.

We had a Top 8 Playoff bracket that season and fortunately none of the inactive teams made it, though Carissa/Annie actually tied Travis in the final standings and he made it through only on the points differential. Notable is that both Drew and Ryan Good missed the playoffs that year, Drew at 6-7 and Ryan at 4-9 (below both Nava and Carissa/Annie in the standings).

To conclude, here’s one final hurrah for the four teams that would never be part of the league again.

Daaaa Broads

Managers (and I use the term lightly): Carissa and Annie

Active (also used lightly): 2007

Best/Worst Finish: 6-7, 9^th place

Daaaaa Broads (with five “a”s, I looked it up) were a mess. Autodrafted by the computer, Carissa never quite learned to get into the league and was never concerned enough to care. Annie, I’m pretty sure, didn’t even know about the team. The team ultimately lucked out with a lack of major injuries and a variety of smart computer-generated draft choices, including Tony Romo, Terrell Owents, TJ Houshmandzadeh, and Stephen Gostkowsi. If they had made the playoffs, the football gods would have wept.

Girl Power

Manager: Nava

Active: 2007

Best/Worst Finish: 5-8, 11^th place

Nava had good intentions. So good, in fact, that after neglecting her team for weeks, she went to Krisda for Fantasy Football advice, and he told her to drop Steven Jackson because he “sucked.” So she did. In the pursuant made scramble to pick him up Bohm got him off the waiver wire and waltzed to the #1 playoff seed. Nava should have known this fact before talking to Krisda: anyone who wears a bow-tie non-ironically in not suited to give any sort of sports related advice.

Bye Week

Manager: Ryan Davis

Active: 2007

Best/Worst Finish: 3-10, 13^th place

Poor, misunderstood Ryan Davis. Always so serious. Why so serious, Ryan Davis?

GangGreen

Manager: Karen Kinneman (she’s married now isn’t she? Maybe the name is out of date)

Active: 2007

Best/Worst Finish: 2-11, 14^th place

Karen was perhaps the biggest disappointment of all. And not only in FF, but in real life. She totally sold us about how fun she was, and how much she knew about sports, and how down-to-earth she was…and then she disappeared forever. I feel like I didn’t even seen Karen for two full years of med school. What happened to Karen? She’s like the face on the milk carton.

Karen, along with Nava and Carissa/Annie, really set back women in our league. Doesn’t Karen sound like she might be the perfect woman for fantasy football? A former D1 Athlete, fanatical about football, vaguely fun? She was a desperate disappointment, and I know Ryan and I were both thinking we’d have less let-downs like her team next year…