Wednesday Night Quarterback on Tuesday (since I'm working all day tomorrow): Week 5: A Peek Behind the Curtains

Tuesday morning, 10/12/10, 0800
Location: Mile High Club Team Headquarters

Peter strolled into the dimly lit headquarters of his football team. The receptionist greeted him. "Oh, and sir," she said, reaching under her desk. "A couple of things came for you."

First was a bouquet of a dozen golden roses; Peter thought they smelled like success. "We are very sorry for your loss. May our awesomeness somehow rub off on you through these priceless roses. Sincerely, Team Buffalo."

That was nice of him, Peter thought. He wasn't one to buy into voodoo on a normal basis, but had been thinking that he was going to need all the help he could get.

"That's not all," said the receptionist, reaching under her desk once more. She lifted up a gigantic edible arrangement covered in chocolate covered pineapples, freshly cut strawberries, and oxidized banana slices. "It's from Rob."

Uh oh. Peter opened the card, which was quite wordy, as Rob tended to be. "Hey Pete, congratulations on your terrible defeat! I just heard from the Board of Directors and they offered me a job as your replacement, but I told them to go fuck themselves. Not because I wouldn't enjoy wallowing in your shame, but because I don't like signing up to captain the Titanic. But hey, on the plus side, I'm looking for a new special teams coach! You interested? Love, Rob."

"You also got this telegram," the receptionist said, before Peter could respond with unending profanity to Rob's card.

"Peter: thanks for making my team look good. Your friend, Ryan Good." Peter's heart sank. He realized he had hit rock bottom.

"Anything else?" The receptionist shook her head. "Thanks, receptionist," he said. He took a step to his office, then paused. "Why is this place to dimly lit today anyway?"

"Well," the receptionist began, "I think there are a few reasons. First and foremost, no one comes to watch our games because it's embarrassing to see Donovan McNabb cry up close. Second, we've been under a lot of fire since publicity tried to get people into games by offering a free John Kuhnskin cap for each of the first 1000 ticket buyers. Third, I hear the board is trying to save money to hire your replacement." She cleared her throat. "Also, I'm not your receptionist. I'm your wife. Remember? You had to let your receptionist go because this team makes no money and everyone hates it."

"Oh, right," Peter said. "That all makes a lot of sense. Thanks, honey."

Peter walked into his office and hit the light switch; the ceiling light went from off to dim. There was a letter sitting on his desk.

September 12, 2008

By Hand Delivery and Federal Express

Dear Peter:

Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.

However, you continue to make public statements that are critical of the organization, its players as a whole as well as individual players. Such statements constitute conduct detrimental to the Mile High Club and I will no longer stand silently by while you continue to hurt this organization.

Further, your contract is quite clear that you work “subject to the direction and supervision of the General Partner’’ and that the General Partner has the “exclusive right to do all things, which in its sole discretion are necessary to maintain and improve the Club, the football organization and their activities.’’

I realized when I hired you that you were young and inexperienced and that there would be a learning process for you. Your mistakes on player personnel (Correll Buckhalter?! Really?) and coaches (Saints D/ST?! Really??) were overlooked based on our patience with you. But I never dreamt that you would be so awful in all aspects of the game. Your actions are those of a coach looking to make excuses for not winning, rather than a coach focused on winning.

For example, with the exception of Rob Bironas (who we all knew would be good and you paid no money for), you were involved in drafting all players and determining salaries for them and you were explicit in your desire to sign such studs as John Kuhn, Kenneth Darby (whose name I had to look up because I don't even know who he is) and Greg Olsen amongst others. All were a must to sign in your eyes, Kuhn in particular, because you had heard Jason was going to pick him up, as he does for all available players who have ever once touched a football during a game. Do not run from that now.

I do realize that you did not want to draft Joe Flacco. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team! Stop trading away our only good players for Dez Bryant, asshole.

In regards to your recent fabrications about the defense, during the final cuts you made every cut on offense and every cut on defense. Further more, during the games on Sunday Kyle lit you up we got killed by the most amount a points any fantasy team in our league has ever lost by.

This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, ie, don't stop sucking it up like no other suck has ever sucked, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.

By: (Al Davis signature)

I can't take all the credit for the above rant, since Peter actually sort of gave me the idea after his abysmally abysmal game this week (which you'll see proof of in the text messages of the week section). In one swoop Peter managed to score the least points of any team this season (Kim had been wining that category with a scant 50) as well as the biggest blowout loss (though, to be fair, the previous holder of this award was still him, only that loss was by 52, not 72).

So what is going wrong with this team? Other teams in the league are bad, but not this bad week-in and week-out. Remember, too, that Peter has two wins (divine intervention if I've ever seen it) despite a league-low 306 PF (partially explained by his third-lowest in the league PA at 404.

Part of it can't be blamed totally on Peter; his team has been ravaged by injuries (RIP Green Bay's running game). But there's a fair amount of poor decision making, too. Peter traded Joe Flacco (56 fantasy points thus far) for Dez Bryant (23). Now I know that its unfair to compare QB point numbers straight up, so I'll give some statistics. In the past three games Flacco has put up 22, 12, and 15 pts. Dez Bryant has put up 5, bye week, and 2 (11 if you count the week before that, which was his season high). I realize you can't start 2 QBs, and if you've got two good ones ultimately one needs to go. But at what cost? Joe Flacco has a week where he put up as many points as Dez Bryan has this season...and you'd have to be joking to believe that was a fair trade. ESPECIALLY considering the lengths some people in this league (population: me) went to get a QB of even decent value. Would Peter have preferred Hines Ward? I would have willingly traded him for Flacco. Poor decision making skills; Al Davis was right!

So how can this team get better?

1) Luck/Prayer. Because really, that's the only thing that is going to work here.

2) Very strategic trading. This is hard because, honestly, Peter has nothing to trade. All of his players are awful. What he needs at this point is to trade any single player he has that's good for two that are average...because at least with a team full of average players he stands a chance. Right now his team of scrubs is incapable of beating anyone (but me), which will lead to a long season.

3) Stalk the Free Agent Market. A la Jason. Money wise I think Peter's not winning too many bidding wars, so its going to be all about finding that choice pick one week before everyone else. Good luck with that, though.

4) Find a sucker. Remember Nava and Steven Jackson-gate? If Peter can get himself on the receiving end of one of those deals, it might be game on.

5) There just aren't five things Peter can do to save that steaming pile 'o team.

Text Messages of the Week

Peter: Fantasy Fail
Peter: I think my team is looking for a new manager behind my back
Rob: You're right. I've been contacted. They say they're trying to move in a new direction: scoring points.
Peter: Look, we run a clean, strict organization. It may not be obvious on the field yet, but we're building something here. It's a 3 year plan.
Rob: Is that a Charlie Weis quote?
Peter: 2008 Notre Dame was the model for my team in fact
Rob:I thought it was the 2008 Detroit Lions
Peter:Matt Millen is another hero

Kim: Don't be too hard on Peter this week. And try not to point out that Forte alone almost outscored his whole team... (guess I failed to honor both those requests)

Scott: I'm 1-4...people should be lining up to play me

Awards Roundup!

The Shit the Bed Award/The Soulcrusher Award: Kim over Peter by 72

The funny part is this award isn't designed to be given out every week, but Peter's team keeps hitting disastrously new lows. I know, dead horse. I'll stop now.

St. Mary's Award For the Blind: Peter, 37 pts

Dead Horse!

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Donel

All those things I said about Donel's team being undynamic without CJ having a 40 point game? I take it all back. Bonus points for beating Jason!

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Drew

Just because Peter's too easy. Also, I'd like to point out that Drew's bench outscored his team this week, an impressive feat for 7 players (or 6 players and Mario Manningham). Consider this managerial punishment. Peter, you'll get this award next week.

Eagle Eye Award: It's a tie!

Ray Rice (Ryan) with 27 and Malcolm Floyd (Kyle) with 27. Let us now be assured Malcolm Floyd will never again be the #1 point winner of the week.

Scrub Starters of the Week

I'd like to start by saying this is my first week absent from this list. Sad, isn't it? I count the little victories.

Ryan Good: Mark Clayton, 0 pts. Also, out for the season. Slap!
Peter: Lance Moore 0 pts
Peter: Anquan Boldin, 0 pts
Peter: Greg Olsen, 0 pts (Horse! Dead!)
Kyle: Jermichael Finley, 0 pts (text from Kyle: It's pretty awesome that my stud TE gets injured on the first play of the game trying to tackle the defender after the scrub TE fumbles it)
Drew: Tim Hightower 0 pts
Drew: Vikings D/ST -2 pts

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (last week:1) 5-0

I can't argue with the record, but I will say this: this is the second week in a row Kyle has looked unspectacular but still beaten his even less spectacular opponent. Also, Kyle has only 303 PA this season...thats 73 less than the next closest, Kim at 376. That is just out of control. As Ryan showed us last year, that will not last. However, Kyle is scoring the third most overall points, so maybe it will? Golly.

2) Travis (last week:2) 3-2

What was that about a curse? 119 points later and I'm starting to believe. Also, 7 players above 100 pts? Are you kidding me? I can't wait until Travis plays Kyle...this week!

3) Donel (last week: 4) 3-2

I believe! I believe!

4) Me (last week: 5) 3-2

I believe a little less in this one, but I'm holding by ground here. I'm not as awful as once believed, but I also encourage people to not believe the hype I'm giving myself here. This team is just okay

5) Kim (last week: 7) 3-2

Kim's team is an enigma to me. AP only managed 10 pts this week but it didn't matter; her WRs (not including Kevin Walter), who had been dormant all season, just exploded their ability all over the place. Her team's not as hopeless as it once seemed, but I need to see consistency before I move her ass up.

6) Drew (last week: 3) 2-3

Drew falls for the loss this week, but hold some ground because you can't pick all the wrong players every week, can you?

7) Jason (last week: 6) 2-3

91 pts aint bad...except when you're playing monster Donel. I will say: nice job benching Schaub, who I wouldn't have guessed was going to have 3 pts. I'll also say: way to go starting Sam Bradford, who overachieved with 4 pts.

8) Scott (last week 8) 1-4

Scott = in trouble, which is surely driving him crazy considering how much time he puts into this. That being said, he doesn't look as hopeless as...

9) Ryan (last week: 10) 1-4

How did hapless Ryan Good jump Peter this week? First, Ryan's team may be unbalanced and sort of bad but at least there's the chance of players blowing up...Peter's players rarely touch the ball. Also, I looked at the schedule and I saw Peter's going to play Ryan again this season, which means a second win. I don't see Peter winning any more games, so I think Ryan will ultimately have the edge.

10) Peter (last week: 9) 2-3

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE

Week 6 Fearless Predictions

2-3 last week, including the terrible prediction of "Kim winning in a close one." I've learned to stop betting small

Rob 3-2 v. Kim 3-2

I believe this one will be close. Oh wait! My best RB is on by, as is my closest thing to a backup. Toast!

Kim by 15

Scott 1-4 vs Jason 2-3

Tough to call, but teams can be decent when they want to be. Neither team is really suffering from by weeks, so...

Jason by 9

Kyle 5-0 vs Travis 3-2

Definitely the game of the week. My wishful thinking makes me think Travis, esp. since he's got zero byes this week

Travis by 5

Drew 2-3 vs Ryan 1-4

Drew's getting to 500 this week!

Drew by 15

Donel 3-2 vs Peter 1-4

My only question is whether lightning can strike thrice. My prediction: yes

Donel by 80

One Last Thing

Does Bruno Mars not look just like a slightly girlier version of Donel? Is that racist?

Wednesday Night Quarterback (Amped up Monday Night Edition): Week 4: Sacrilege Special

The Lord's Prayer

Our Foster, who art in Texas
Hallowed be thy legs
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
In Oakland as it was in Indy

Give me today about thirty points
And forgive me for doubting you
As I forgive those who doubt my team
And lead us not into devastation
But deliver us from Scoba

Touchdown.

I'm pretty sure no one is as amped up as I am right now after the Patriots made Miami look silly. You know a game is getting out of hand when the announcers start coming up with statistics like, "this is the first time in history a team scored a TD rushing, passing, on a kickoff return, on a blocked punt, and a blocked field goal, all in the same game." Not that that isn't awesome, but the rest of the country must have been bored to death. I wasn't. Add onto that Scott and I both had actively players and I managed to win? Cake! Cake! With icing!

Ahem. Now that that's out of the way...This week was really epic...Biblically so.

Divine Intervention of the Week: Scott and I were battling it out point for point with Gostkowski kicking field goals for me and Marshall hauling in (blissfully short yardage) catches for Scott. After a TD the patriots decide to go for two, which means no extra point for my kicker. But NO! Edelman false starts and the patriots decide to kick an extra point! Subsequently: I win by one point. Thanks, God.

God spares Isaac, Abraham relieved: MJD has been awful all season. Just. Awful. I think he broken 10 points once. But like a good believer, Kyle starts MJD faithfully and is rewarded with a monstrous 23 points (that he doesn't need to beat Peter, but whatever). True believers rejoice!

Bring in the floods: While Kyle brought in a tidal wave of biblical proportions, Peter hadn't quite finished his ark, leading to a 52 points loss. 52! That's a league high. Remember how I scoffed at Peter's 2 wins? I will continue. Scoff scoff scoff! For the record, Peter's high scorer was his kicker, with 10 pts.

Yahweh smites Pharoah: Travis and Jason had a terrific game going on, with Travis coming from behind on the strength of Henne and Moss. Well, sort of. Overconfident, gluttonous Pharoah Travis expected big things from Mr. Moss...but the Lord hates rich white people! SMITTEN! Randy Moss gets a big 0 points and with Travis and Jason tied Henne throws and interception and is pulled from the game. God loves them Jews.

Sodom suffers: Ryan, that loose-pursed lecher, spending all of his money on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. The angels came to Drew Brees and said, be there a righteous player on this team, I shall spare it. Drew Brees said, "hey, I'm a saint, right? I'm righteous, then." To which the angels replied, "meh." They then went about the town and saw a city of starved has-beens, envious never-weres, and many more men characterized not by their skill, but by hubris. The angels said to Drew Brees, "leave this team, and take with you the Chargers D/ST and Andre Johnson," for you are the only worthwhile players, including the bench! But do not look back to see the destruction, because this team flat our sucks." And so the group set off, but Andre Johnson looked backwards, and in anger the Angels turned him into a last-minute high ankle sprain and gave him 0 points.

The judgment day approaches: Four of the top five scorers of the week were in the same two games. Scott was actually the second highest overall scorer, while Travis, in losing, would have easily beaten the winner of the Donel/Good snoozefest or the Flum/Vanderzee spanking. Alas, we all pay for our sins in the end.

Text Messages of the Week! 

Peter: "I benched TO around noon." [in retrospect, those 28 points would not have helped]

Kyle: "You never play Donal Driver and he always scores like 10+ points! That what happens when you dis the pack attack."

Me (to Scott): The Titans have a player named Courtland Finnigan. And he's black! Talk about breaking name stereotypes
Scott: Half black?
Me: Maybe? I've never been good at the black/not black game.

Scott: I have a permanent no Addai policy on my team.

Scott: What happened to Cutler? I just turned it on. They said he hasn't come out of the locker room."
Me: Shame probably

Me: I want 5 FG's and Brandon Marshall C-spine'd early


Awards Roundup! 

The Soulcrusher Award/The Shit The Bed Award

How cruel, fate is. Peter, who last week earned himself the Soulcrusher trophy by dominating me by 38, this week relinquishes said trophy in the face of his 52(!!!!!!) point defeat to Kyle, who really doesn't need more things to make him happy at this point. To which I say: REALLY? Peter now has 269 points of total offense in 3 games...and he put up over one hundred when he played me? I'M SO UPSET.

P.S.: Congrats Kyle. I hate you.

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Scott

Ever feel really bad about beating someone? Yea, me neither. But I had to give it up to Scott for outscoring everyone but me. Also, I sucked so bad the last two weeks that one week does not a trophy make. For now! Plus, he's letting me stay at his house during Homecoming, so I need to suck up now so he doesn't make me sleep with the cat.

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Peter

53 points. It's not even the worst of the year (Ryan still holds that dubious honor). But I mean...let's be serious. When Rob Bironas is the headline of your team, the only road to take is the road of sadness. Let me break this down: 7 players on Peter's team went for 7 or less points, and the other two topped out at 10. At least he hit double digits, right? I honestly would love to give this award to Ryan every week because his team is just so bad, but Peter sucks so convincingly sometimes that it's hard to ignore. Plus, I have no sympathy for him! 2-2!?! How is this team 2-2?!?! Oh yea, http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/boxscorequick?leagueId=300759&teamId=2&scoringPeriodId=1&seasonId=2010&view=scoringperiod&version=quick. Blech.

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Me! Arian Foster, 30 pts.

Arian Foster, thank you for always being there for me. Unlike Steve Smith, who I hate. Our first repeat top scorer of the year! Second place goes to the throwback alert of the week: LT with 27. Where did this guy come from? Oh right. The Chargers.

Scrub Starters of the Week 

Rob: Jay Cutler -3 (my QB woes continues...though you'll notice I don't have a defense on this list for the first time this season! Yahoo!)
Scott: [SPECIAL INCLUSION!] Michael Vick, 2 (INJURY FACE. Mwahahaha!)
Ryan: Marshawn Lynch, -2 (playing a Bill, Ryan? You of all people know better.)
Kim: Maurice Morris and Santana Moss, 0 each (Kim's made fun of me a lot of wanting to trade for Adrian Peterson. I think her claims that the trade isn't to her advantage are reasonable. You know what else is reasonable? Trading three serviceable running backs (Addai, Wells, Bush) to a team that, besides Adrian Peterson, has no one. This bye week meant she started Maurice Morris. MAURICE MORRIS. Desperation alert!)
Travis: Randy Moss, 0 pts (ouch. Sorry Travis, that just sucks)

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (last week:1)

Not only did Kyle's offense blow the fuck up this weekend, but all of the 2-1 teams lost...putting Kyle 2 games ahead of everyone in the division. Can you smell playoffs? On the downside, his bench is pathetic...to the point where he had to start Maroney this week, a sure sign of oncoming demise. But seriously, if you can score triple digits with Maroney in play, you're on to something. A clear #1

2) Travis (last week:2)

Yea yea yea, he lost this week. But he still looked better than most of the teams that won. The problem? I think this team is cursed. Travis is just finding ways to lose these games.

3) Drew (last week: 5)

In the sea of 2-2 teams, Drew's isn't bad. He's got reliable RBs and a great QB. His WRs are awful, straight up. For the second week in a row they couldn't get more than 7 pts combined. And he didn't look great this week with 71 pts, but a win is a win.

4) Donel (last week: 4)

Speaking of teams that look bad...Donel wins, but with 66 points? The sad fact: Donel's team is undynamic without a big game by Chris Johnson. When CJ is on, Donel will be on, but any slow game spells doom for his chances. The plus side? Johnson's on a whole lot. I'm holding Donel at 4

5) Me (last week: 9)

This is not because I think my team is any good. Let's get that straight. The best I can say of my team is it has definite explosive potential. Two weeks over 100, two weeks under 70. I've got a spotty team of people threatening to blow up, plus major issues at QB (thanks for those -3, Jay Cutler. Vandy sucks!), but I can still give good teams terrible fits when my offense comes together.

6) Jason (last week: 7)

Slowly but surely, Jason's team is showing, hey! We're not awful. The problem I see is in the guess work. Jason's team is all about matchups and predictions; he's got a lot of possible flex options that he has to start every week and he can't always guess who's going to blow up and who's going to suck (see: 2 WRs with 1 point each). But his team's turning out surprisingly solid, and it's really fun to watch him scramble to bid on every player at $0 each auction

7) Kim (last week: 3)

No AP = no chance of victory. Until Kim gets some depth, she's sunk. I'm not saying she won't make the playoffs, but one slow game by Peterson and she's gone.

8) Scott (last week:6)

I actually like Scott's team a lot...it's pretty deep, he's made some good player picks (what a bargain LT looks like now...and who through BenJarvus Green-Ellis would threaten to become a relevant part of the NE offense?). But the sad fact is he's 1-3. He's in a big hole, and this week's barnburner didn't help him.

9) Peter (last week:8)

I think I've said enough about Peter's team.

10) Ryan (last week: 10)

Now taking bets for what date and time Ryan asks if we can NOT do an auction draft next year.

Week 5 Fearless Predictions! 

Huh! Last week I actually went 4-1 on predictions, my lone mistake being not guessing myself. That's fine. I'm never guessing myself to win a game ever. I hate letting myself done. 6-4 record all time for predictions? Not bad! Y'all might have to believe I know what I'm talking about.

Rob (2-2) vs Ryan (1-3)

Okay, so on paper this sounds like a blow out win for me. Not so fast! Based on my "win a game, lost a game" philosophy, I'm inevitably going to put up no more than 60 pts, and Ryan will crawl to 62

Ryan by 2

Kim (2-2) vs Peter (2-2)

Kim gets AP back, but loses Brady and Welker. Bumbumbum! Luckily, she's playing Peter, who I think she'll beat in a close one

Kim by 4

Jason (2-2) vs Donel (2-2)

This one looks like a wash to me. I have no way of predicting Donel's output (126 points? 66 points? Who knows?). What I do know is I expect Jason to be consistent, so I have to give him the edge.

Jason by 5

Kyle (4-0) vs Scott (1-3)

Scott might be the best 1-3 team we've had...but I don't think Kyle is losing this one. MJD vs the Bills? No byes? Helloooo victory!

Kyle by 10

Travis (2-2) vs Drew (2-2)

Another bye-heavy week for Travis, which makes me confused. Travis's team still has potential for greatness...but I'm confident something will happen to make Travis lose for no good reason. Tony Romo -27 perhaps?

Drew by 1

One Last Thing

MGoBlog has been advertising this awesome Michigan football wallpaper website...some are better than others, but this one I enjoy:

Wednesday Night Quarterback: Week 3: Shame, Shame, Shame

Karma police, arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He's like a detuned radio

This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us

I'm not a religious person, but over the course of this week of fantasy football you could say I had a spiritual awakening. I have realized the error of my drunken, spendthriftl ways. It's time for WNQ (does 4 pm count as night? I hope so, or you can add lying to my list of sins) to repent and reform.

I love joking about karma, but this week it came back to bite me hard. The teams who I've given too much free press to? God smote them with a team Langley thunderbolt. The teams who I've done nothing but verbally shit upon for two weeks? Yahweh himself proved he will always protect the jews against the heretical lesbians. Oh, and Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/whoever decided it was time for Peter to strike back after all my degrading comments, on the wings of Anquan Boldin. Anquan...is that a holy name? Sounds like it.

So here, for you, I offer my karmic penance.

1) I was wrong about jumping on Donel's bandwagon. Sure, he's still the highest scoring team in our league. But 1-2? He's 1-2? It's not even like his opponents are playing that much better than him; he's ranked only 4th on total points against. What is happening to this team? I'm not jumping off the bandwagon yet (there's a lot of trash in our league, myself included), but this wagon has already lost a wheel, the oxen are sick, and I think we're about the ford a river. Dysentery pending.

2) A sobering statistic: based off the 2009 ESPN fantasy football database, only 27% of teams that started 1-2 made the playoffs last year. I can tell you for a fact that out number this year will be higher than that as six (six!) teams are currently 1-2, meaning that even if we all managed to not win another game 2 of us have to make the playoffs by sheer lack of other options. Fellow bottomfeeders: fear not! 2 of the 6 of us are guaranteed a first round playoff loss!

3) Speaking of six (six!) 1-2 teams, our league is looking a lot more...well, balanced than last year. We don't have Peter and or Kim sitting at 0-7 at the bottom of the league or Ryan racking up 6 wins before losing straight through for the rest of the season. Kyle's our lone undefeated team. So all of us are much better (or worse?) than I had originally thought.

4) Karma check: Peter is 2-1. That's right. Peter of the 216 total offensive points, which would be anemic and awful were it not for Ryan Good who clocks in with 200 after three games. When did the universe start liking Peter? God, I'm sorry I offended you. Can you now put the world back in order and hand me a win for last week? Don't I deserve it for all this groveling?

5) Karma check: The case of Fever and Baker. After both lived down to my expectations during the first two weeks, they both decided to say "shut the fuck up Rob" and score 106 points, tops in week 3. Uh oh! I smell angry ex-emperors vengeful to reclaim the throne!

6) Pun alert: Why, Fever's team sure is "hot" right now. Wow, so is Baker's team. Baker is really lighting the burner under his team. Fever's team is so hot it's shattering my thermometer. I can't believe I didn't realize this connection before!

7) Not-quite-karma check: Sorry Kim, you can't win every game.

8) Reasons to not spend ten minutes every wednesday belittling your friends: see my team. The entirety of it. Also, now that I'm benching Favre you can bet the universe is going to let him be good again. You'll see.

9) I've seen a lot of advice for picking D/ST based on matchups. I'm here to tell you that all bloggers who report that can suck big black penis. Through three weeks I've got -4 fantasy points from my defense. I NOW TRUST NO ONE. I'm going to throw a part the first time I get a fantasy defense point. Right now 0 is my season high.

Text message of the week

Peter: My WR's are trying to beat you by themselves. They're down 8 right now.

Peter: I'll trade you buckhalter [for addai] straight up. I'll throw in slaton too so you're all set when the arian race blows out his ACL.

Before the game started:
Scott: So did you start favre today?
Rob: It's his last chance. If he can't do it against the LIONS, its over.

As Brett throw his first INT of the night
Scott: Oops, Brett happened again
Rob: Shhh. Don't. Just. Don't.

Awards Roundup

Big week for me! I have received...
The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness and The Shit The Bed Award

I earned them, that's for sure! That's two straight weeks of sucking, plus a 38 point loss to add to my resume. Even if Anquan Boldin hadn't scored a point, I still would have lost! Mercy.

The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Blow Schaub

This was a tough one. Scott and Jason both put up 106 pts; Peter put up 105. I eliminated Peter first because a) His not WRs pretty much all sucked. Two lucky players does not deserve the Spotlight! and b) he already got the Soulcrusher award for mercilessly beating my team's mangled corpse. Then it came down to which method I found more impressive: scoring 106 points by having a few players blow the fuck up with five starters had five points or less (Scott) or scoring 106 points by having a well-balanced team with no scorer above 20 but only one below 5 (Jason). I was pretty torn, but I like Jason's team name better. Win!

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: It's a tie! Michael Vick (Scott) and Anquan Boldin (Peter) with 32 pts. Better luck next time, Adrian Peterson (31)

Scrub Starters of the Week

Rob: Buccaneers D/ST -3 pts
Donel: Dolphins D/ST -2 pts
Kim: Visanthe Shiancoe 0 pts

I might expand this to include 1-2 pointers, since those people still suck. We'll see.

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (previous rank:2)

Okay Kyle, I get it. 3 straight wins. The only undefeated team. You just won't be denied that top spot, will you? A few facts, though. Kyle is ranked 5th in PF and 1st (as in, least) PA. Kyle's not blowing the world up, but he keeps winning. Is Kyle the new Ryan Good? God, I hope so. I love a good mid-season flame out.

2) Travis (previous rank: 5)

Remember what I said about not thinking the Steelers D/ST could put up 28 per week? I was right: they only managed 18. Shit, that defense is good. Top it off with the fact that Travis is scoring big and has some if-not-superstars-than-at-least-viable-options on the bench (which is more than most of us can say) makes me think I was wrong to jump off the Bojangles Bus.

3) Kim (previous rank: 3)

So I didn't get everything wrong last week: Kim's team still a shallow, seven-year old vagine (say it like Dane says it). Sure, her bench looks good, but you can't start 3 QBs a week, Kimmy, and Leon Washington isn't going to return two kicks for TDs a week. Zero depth. Zero. But man, can those starters play! Kim's one injury from guaranteed last place, though.

4) Donel (previous rank:1)

Tough tough tough week. Injuries, benched players blowing up, a pretty good opponent. Donel's team is screaming "unlucky" to me right now. Read: #1 in points scored, #3 in most points scored against. This can't continue. However...if Donel keeps losing like this, he's dropping down my power rankings like a stone. This team ain't dead yet, but like I said, dysentery. The slow, watery death.

5) Drew (previous rank: 4)

Drew could have had this game if he didn't bench Tony Gonzalez. But I guess that's true of a lot of the matchups this week. The cold facts? Drew's starting WRs: 5 pts. His bench? Full of scrubs RBs and extremely lucky Jabar Gaffney. This smells like trouble.

6) Scott (previous rank: 7)
7) Jason (previous rank: 9)

Remember how I talked about Scott and Jason's team looking identical to me after draft day? Same draft strategy, same teams of mostly scrubs with a couple mid-tier starters to buoy up the rotted side planks. Two mediocre weeks go by, then they both blow up for the exact same score of 106 points. These teams are on the exact same trajectory and I can't make heads or tails of which one might actually stick. I'm ranking Scott higher because he didn't blow his whole FA budget on Brandon Jackson.

8) Peter (previous rank: 10)

Peter emerges from the basement of the power rankings! What's that you say? Why is a 2-1 team ranked eighth? The answer, my good friend, is the mere 216 points of total offense and the extremely lucky 190 points against. Luck doesn't last forever. However, I of course, need to rank him above...

9) Rob (previous rank: 6)

...myself, who Peter beat (quite handily). My team's sort of a disgrace, isn't it? Still, keep in mind my team these past two weeks was basically a Jay Cutler + a positive scoring defense away from respectable scores in the 80s. Not that I think that's going to necessarily happen, but I do feel like my team is better than...

10) Ryan (previous rank:8)
...Ryan (the other team that lost to Peter. Peter has beaten the two worst teams in our league. Hmm...). So the obvious is that Ryan is the lowest scoring team in our league (he's averaging about 66 points per week). Here's what's funny: if you took the score of EVERY SINGLE PLAYER on his roster last week, including all those benched QBs and third-stringers who have their one big game that everyone inevitably has, his total points scored were 104. That's right, if he got to play seven more people, he would have had only the fourth best team of the week. There are no backups on Ryan's team. There are no players who might make a difference. It's life or death on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. And right now, it's death.


Week 4 Fearless Predictions

Last week recap: Whoops! I suck at this. I went 2-3 last week, seriously overbetting on both myself and Kim. Since I'm clearly no good at this prognosticating thing, I'm going to just predict by feeling.

Scott (1-2) vs Bob (1-2)

I've got a pretty good lifetime record against Scott. I don't know the exact number, but I think I've got the edge in the overall series, which is rare, considering my overall record (including playoffs) is 19-25 over 3.1 seasons. That being said, I'm not getting good vibes from this matchup. At least this way, if I lose, I can say my prediction was right!
Prediction: Scott by 8

Donel (1-2) vs Ryan (1-2)

You all know how I feel about Ryan's team. If Donel can't clean this house, I'm joining some other pioneers.
Prediction: Donel by 12

Kyle (3-0) vs Peter (2-1)

I still don't believe, Peter.
Prediction: Kyle by 10

Drew (1-2) vs Kim (2-1)

Kim had a great game from her big two (Brady and Petersen) last week, and since they're sort of her bread and butter, I've got to base her chances of winning on them. Oh wait, Petersen's out this week. Advantage: Drew
Prediction: Drew by 5

Travis (2-1) vs Jason (1-2)

I love when Travis and Jason compete at anything, because each of them knows they are better than the other (remember that wrestling match where Jason got a bloody nose? That was a good decision) at Fantasy Football. So what does that mean? Shit, I dunno. What I do know is that Travis is ravaged by byes this week.
Prediction: Jason by 15

One Last Thing

Did you know that PBR is classy and expensive in China? PROOF:




Apparently, in China it's branded as a "world famous spirit" and bottled/advertised as if it's some sort of champagne (the Champagne of Beers, perhaps? High-Life should sue). And get this: "Pabst Blue Ribbon 1844" (as they call it) costs $44 US per bottle. Is it still 55 cents at Circus?

Archive 9/22/10: Wednesday Night(ish) Quarterback, Week 2: Lose Yourself

Tip: If you missed last week's post, I'm archiving this stuff at http://ichooseweswelker.blogspot.com/

Snap back to reality
Oh! There goes gravity
Oh! There goes Brett Favre he choked
Rob's so mad
But he won't give up that easy
No he won't have it
He knows his running backs are a joke
It don't matter Wayne's dope
Rob knows that, but Lee's broke
His team's stagnant and he knows
When he goes back to Ann Arbor, that's when it's
Rob's gonna lose again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture some free agents and hope they don't pass him 

I don't really enjoy writing these as much when my team blow major ass chunks, but I guess it gives me time to reflect. Reflect on how JAY CUTLER OUTSCORES BRETT FAVRE BY 20+ points (not enough for me to have actually won, of course), while Hines Ward gets a big 'ol zero. WHERE'S MY PANIC BUTTON? College football has been good to me this season. But with my fantasy loss and the Patriots looking like a sack of Virgina Tech against James Madison, my Sunday sucked. I want to play COLLEGE fantasy football. At least then I won't be so mad on Sundays that I won't be able to sleep or eat. Truuuuuue story.

I don't think we'll have a clear view of how things are going to shake out until about week 4 or 5. But as we're living in the now, I'll review a few facts.

1) We have two undefeated teams...but neither of the top two scorers are amongst them. Donel and Drew are out first two teams over 200 points, but both suffered a couple tough fought losses (while anemic Peter was feasting on cupcake Scott's sweet, sweet remains).

2) We have two winless teams...but neither of the bottom two scorers are amongst them. Peter has scored just 111 points in two weeks...and has a win! (Mmm...cupcake Scott...so delicious) Ryan "119" Good also managed a win...against bloodless, pale Peter. That brings me to my next point...

3) Both of the cruel overlords of our league are 0-2. What did I say about their teams sucking? Don't get me wrong, mine sucks too. But look! 0-2! Can you imagine how satisfying it would be to be a part of a Fever-Baker free playoff?

4) Let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence for our Heartbreak game of the week: Kim 84, Donel 83. Tough loss, Donel, but at least you still have one of the best teams.

5) Peter, I found a new image you can use for your fantasy football logo. I thought it was fitting, keeping to your airplane theme and all, in light of your team's newfound...prowess.




Text messages of the Week!

Kyle: "Favre's good."

Kyle: [in regards to my benching Cutler for Favre] "Great call. You might win the comissioner trophy this week."
Rob: 100% chance not starting Cutler costs me this game [Editor's note: It didn't]
Kyle: 100% chance you lose to a superior opponent

Awards Roundup 

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: To Hasselback's Last Stand

Sorry, Drew, I know you had the most points this week, but that's another award. This is for Kim's surprising rise to power. Who knew this would happen? I didn't. Around Week 10 last year (around which time Kim was...1-9?), I said to myself gosh, Kim blows at fantasy football. That may still end up being true. But as of now she's looking pretty good. Now if I could just get her to trade some players to me...

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Mile High Club

Why is this award not going to me? A few reasons.

1) I would have beaten Peter by one, measly point if we had played head to head this week. That's right, he sucked worse than I did.
2) True, I benched Jay Cutler (23 pts) for Brett Favre (1 point). At the same time, Peter benched Donovan McNabb (21 points) for Joe Flacco (3 points).
3) My benching my best QB made no difference in the outcome of my game. For Peter's it would have meant a win
4) Peter's team was awful last week, too, and I felt bad not giving him some recognition for that
5) I can do what I want

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: The Frum! LeSean McCoy, 30 points

I'm not ashamed that I had to look up his first name. Drew, I wouldn't expect LeSean to be repeating this feat in the near future.

P.S.: What's with names like LeSean and DeSean? Adding nonsense syllables in front of Sean is not cool or edgy. At least make the name dignified and add an apostrophe. How much cooler would it be if L'Sean McCoy had won the award this week? 47x cooler, to be exact.

Scrub Starters of the Week

Rob: Hines Ward, 0 pts
Rob: Carolina D/ST, 0 pts
Jason: Devon Aromashadu, 0 pts
Peter: Brandon Jacobs, 0 pts
Mohammed Massaquoi, 0 pts
Kim: Pats D/ST, -1 pts

Power Rankings

1) Donel (last week:1)

I'm sticking with this ship. Donel might have gotten the big L this week, but let's look at the facts. He's #1 in points for (the #1 tiebraker for the playoffs), has his only loss to a top 3 team (more on that below), and it's not like his team was bad this week...Kim's was just better. He's going to need to suck it up next week to drop too far down this list.

2) Kyle (last week: 5)

What a meteoric rise! Two weeks ago I had Kyle ranked #7. Whoops! Told y'all I'm no expert. Kyle's team isn't really all that flashy (#3 in points scored), and his players (beside Peyton) don't really score that well. But there's a lot of them and they're consistent. Plus, he's a lucky son of a bitch. Kyle's got the kind of team that's going to lose when his opponent blows up (because I don't really see his team exploding into the 110s), but if you're not putting up good numbers you're not going to get an easy win against Buffalo. I mean Kyle, not the Bills, because everyone gets an easy win vs. the Bills.

3) Kim (last week: 3)

Speaking of meteoric rises...Kim proves she's no one hit wonder against Donel. My lingering concern: her team is as shallow as a seven year old's vagina. Jonathan Stewart is her #2 RB and...Kevin Faulk is her #3. Kevin Faulk! If you have a patriots running back in your top 6, you're looking at trouble. She's got the talent to carry her right now, but when she gets into injuries and bye weeks she has a real chance of bottoming out. Still, 2-0 is 2-0. No drop this week.

4) Drew (last week: 4)

I was riding high on Drew's team last week and he showed me why with his league high 112 points this week. He's also leaning on his power players (his WRs suck), but when you've got 30 players above 25 points in a week, you better win.

5) Travis (last week: 6)

So not impressed by Travis' 9 point win this week. You can't expect the Steelers D/ST to put up 28 points week in and week out, and without that he's a mid 70s to low 80s team at best unless he gets a monster game from Romo. Also, as a sidenote: Travis, stop trying to make Michael Turner happen. He will never return to glory.

6) Me (last week: 2)

Wretched week, huh? So I made some poor managerial decisions, but overall I just underperformed. PS: Since when has it been so goddamned hard to get an average D/ST and kicker in this league? In two weeks those positions combined have scored me a whopping 6 points (my D/ST contributed -1 of those points). I still am not too mad at my team. I've got needs at this point, but who doesn't? Also, I get to play Peter this week, which is usually good for a pick me up.

7) Scott (last week: 8)

Scott's team: not as bad as originally thought! 89 points is nothing to scoff at. A sad victim to the Steelers D/ST this week, I think Scott's team has more of an upside than the following three scrubs. That being said, he's 0-2. On the plus side, that Michael Vick pickup may prove much better than Jason's $75 RB.

8) Ryan (last week: 9)

I have very little good to say about Ryan's team except that he won this week. Yay! Is this not vintage Ryan? Third lowest point total in the league and he wins. I just had flashbacks to all of last season. I made fun of him for how poorly his big three played last week, but this week they did net him 50 points. However, that means the rest of his team managed just 19 points amongst them. He gets a slight uptick in ranking for the fact that his bench looked strong, but a big downtick for starting Fred Taylor. What were you thinking?

9) Jason (last week: 7)

Did you know that if you took out Matt Schaub and Antonio Gates, Jason scored 33 pts this week? Uh oh! His RBs combined got 43 points last week...oh wait, that's ALL SIX OF HIS RBs combined, with none over 9 pts. I know Jason. He's going to be making some moves...eventually. It's weird that we're not a very trade-friendly league, because it seems like Jason would be trying to do some moving and shaking with what he's got...but oh well. Oh yea, if you want anything that you're afraid Jason will go after, big $3 and it's untouchable. Fun fact!

10) Peter (last week: 10)

Look, I know this is going to come back and haunt me and that Peter will put up 150 points next week. But right now his. team. is. awful. He has no depth on his bench (take out McNabb, who he should have started, and they combined for 17 points last week), and his starters are bad to begin with (he started seven players with under 6 fantasy points this week, including two 0 pointers). Damage control? Perennial bottom feeders weeee!

Week 3 Fearless Predictions

No more pushes predicted from me from now on because I want to track my prognosticating (ie, guessing) skills. To the matchups!

Cutler My Wrists (formerly Rome Was Built In Addai) [1-1] vs. Mile High Club [1-1]

This should be a win for me, assuming I don't somehow bench all my stars again. Which I am prone to do. Still, I'm going to predict a double digit victory for myself because I think it's important to stay positive.
Prediction: Rob by 11

The Frum [1-1] at Team Buffalo [2-0]

Ooh, tough match up! As I said before, I find Kyle's team solid to Drew's spotty explosiveness. This all comes down to whether or not I think his team has a chance of blowing up this week. My verdict? Probably not enough this week. I don't think Frank Gore is going to get 30 fantasy points vs. KC defense. Also, so far this season Chicago has been pretty frugal for the passing game, so I'm not expecting 30 from Rodgers either. LeSean might blow up again, but I think Kyle will pull it out in a close one
Prediction: Kyle by 2

The Goods [1-1] at Favre From Over [0-2]

Ryan has yet to prove himself able to score over 70 points this season. And all of his big three have unfavorable match ups (Atlanta has given up just 7 total points to QBs...admittedly, though, they were facing terrible scrubs). And I for one believe the Michael Vick led team of Favre From Over is going to prove that their season is, in fact, not over (ha ha).
Prediction: Scott by 9

D Money All Day [1-1] at Team Langley [1-1]

I like some of Travis' match ups this week, especially Randy Moss vs. the Bills (fantasy gold mine!) and Tony Romo vs. Houston. That being said: Travis! Michael Turner sucks!
Prediction: Donel by 5

Hasselbeck's Last Stand [2-0] at Colt McFev [0-2]

Tom Brady and Wes Welker vs. Buffalo? Adrian Petersen and Visanthe Shiancoe vs. Detroit? Can you say blowout?
Prediction: Kim by 20

Final Postscript

I saw the premiere of Hawaii 5-0 last night. I think Drew would like it, mostly because the main female character is this:




I don't even like asian girls, but I can make an exception.

Archive 9/14/10: Wednesday Night Quarterback: We were only freshmen

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

Literary reference? Nah, just a quick summary of our league during the first week. First things first: my predictions for how our league was going to shape up were both the best and worst of times. Only two of my top 5 teams won...and both of my bottom two teams won; don't bet the house on my opinions. On the other hand, a couple teams acted just as I expected. To the lists!

The Best of Times: D Money All Day

Wow. Wow! With 126 points Donel is now 25 points ahead of his closest competitor in total points for. Also, Donel could have beaten any two of Peter's, Scott's, Jason's, and Ryan's teams put together...by a comfortably margin. Add onto that 7 players with double digit fantasy points, no player under 6 points (his defense, which barely counts), and three bench players with over 14 points...uh oh! Watch out for the D-Train!

The Worst of Times: The Goods

Sacre bleu. I was expecting Ryan's team to be a little light...but not THIS light. Here's a stat for you: Ryan spent $154 on his big three players: Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. His big payout: 21 fantasy points. I don't need to rub it in for that to be abysmal. But I will. For reference, Ryan got 24 fantasy points from the Giants Defense, Jay Feely, and Jerome Harrison. Total cost: $18 + any money it might have cost him to pick up the giants D FROM THE FAA. Looks like we've got a pretty good consensus that having three good players can only work occasionally.

The Age of Wisdom: Arian: The Master Race (formerly Big Ben's Unwilling)

Not to toot my own horn (toot toot!), but starting Arian Foster was a game time decision for me. I was going to start Addai instead, but decided, hey, I got in a bidding war with Scott for this guy, I might as well start him. Beanie Wells being declared out led to me playing Addai anyway (thanks for those 6 points, Joe. 'Preciate it), but it still feels good to start 1-0, since I don't. Ever. And speaking of Scott...

The Age of Foolishness : Favre From Over

While his season is favre from over (ha-ha), his team also sucks. Let's break this down. Scott, as he is oft to do, skipped all the "paying for QBs" nonsense and got himself Matt Stafford as a starter. Now, I'll admit, Stafford is a trendy pick for having a breakout (breakdown?) year, but I'm pretty sure all of us would think of him as a backup with an upside, not as a Week 1 starter. 1 shoulder separation (and 1 fantasy point) later, and I think Scott has realized the same thing. He needed 3 more points to beat Peter (a win with 56 points? Jumpin' Jehosaphant!), which he could have done with almost...any...other...QB. Or, well, anyone decent, since his whole team sort of shat it up.

The Epoch of Belief: Hasselback's Last Stand

A tie for the second highest score in the league? Check. Over 100 points without virtually any help from her star #1 draft pick? Check. A team worth of double-digit, drool worthy fantasy players? Check. I believe, hon. I believe.

P.S.: I could look this up, but since I'm lazy, I'm just going to speculate: is it just me or has Kim won like 6 of 7 regular season games dating to last season??

The Epoch of Incredulity: Mile High Club

That was INCREDULOUS! A win with 56 points? Really? I'm not actually astonished that a team won with only 56 points (it's happened with less), or that it won with the highest scoring player getting 12 points...or that if the manager could predict the future he still would have only had 12 more points. What I'm astonished about is that Peter got lucky. Peter is the opposite of luck. If you look in the thesaurus under antonyms for lucky, you will get unfortunate, hexed, jinxed, and Peter. That was INCREDULOUS!

The Season of Light: The Frum

I know, I know, drew lost this week. But he had the fourth highest point total, his team has plenty of potential, he's got Matt Forte, and his bench looked pretty good. Also: 5 teams lose every week, but 6 teams make the playoffs! If we had the playoffs right now, The Frum would have slot #6

The Season of Darkness: Team Langley (formerly My Team)

Apparently, God (and football) hates an uninspired team name. God then responds by giving your running backs 10 fantasy points combined. Please, Travis, get a better team name. Boxcar Joes was at least very classic, if not PUNtastic. Also, give up on Michael Turner. It's just not going to happen.

The Spring of Hope: Team Buffalo

Kyle's team this week wasn't great. His TE was below average, his RBs were poor, and his WRs were only okay. And you know what? He won by 36 points. He didn't even need Peyton's monster game to save him. If his players stop under performing...wow, can he do it? Can he go all the way? Why not. Who is in his way right now?

The Winter of Despair: Colt McFev

I'll mostly let Jason's totally expected meltdown (I ranked him preseason #3, but read into it more to understand why I'm not too surprised for this outcome) speak for itself. Instead, I'll provide a list of the text messages he sent me during his depressing lost to a team (mine) that many expected to suck.

"I hope Arian Foster breaks his leg." (this is after he already ran for 41 points)
"I hate him."
Rob: "It's funny, I had been concerned I overpaid for him in the draft."
"You did. He's gonna break his leg next week."
Rob: "Or run for 300 yards!"
"Fluke. I hate you."
"I also hate Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. HATE."

The bitterness tastes soooo sweet.

Awards Roundup

The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: D Money All Day

I think I said it all above. Donel's team scored in ways our teams could only dream of scoring. He had the highest point total of the week and seemed to have the most depth of any of the teams out there right now. Believe the hype. This guy's for real.

The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: The Goods

This was actually a close call. Scott is an honorable mention for his sad, sad 54 points, decision to start Matthew Stafford, and the fact that 29 of his points (that's 53.7% of his points) were because of two players...only one of which I would trust at this point to be a real offensive threat (sorry, Jamaal Charles). 3rd most awful definitely goes to Peter for the fact that, despite his win, his team looks anemic. Like, hemoglobin of 5 anemic. As in, TRANSFUSE WITH TALENT, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU. But none of their inadequacies overwhelm Ryan's shit-tastic, ass-tabulous, vagina-ormous failure in week 1. Y'all may think this week is just one week and not too important, especially considering that most offensives haven't found their fire yet. But let me tell you this: teams 4th-7th last year all finished within one game of each other. Want to tell me a loss this week doesn't matter? We'll see if we get into another 1 game duel. Neither Ryan's loss nor his terrible offensive numbers will help him here.

The Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Arian: The Master Race

I feel bad giving this award to myself, but it's pretty objective. Foster's 41 fantasy points easily out muscled the second highest active point scorer, Matt Forte (30 fantasy points). Celebration time!

Power Rankings

1) Donel (last week, 2)

I think Donel can emerge from the middle of the pack sadness that enveloped his team last year. Break the dynasty, Donel. Please?

2) Me! (last week, 5)

Here I REFUSE to toot my own horn. But, subjectively speaking, I've got a deep team currently led by Arian Foster. I expect a BIG drop in the rankings next week of Arian Foster suddenly lays an egg. Stay tuned.

3) Kim (last week, 9)

I'm also a convert on Kim. It's too early to say for sure, but she may have finally solved the problems that hit her early, rookie team hard last year. Can she, lead her sophomore team to the championship?

4) Drew (last week, 4)

Win or not, I still think Drew's team has the potential to be better than...

5) Kyle (last week, 7)

Drew outscored Kyle straight up. But I think they're close, in terms of potential. Both only hit those scoring heights because of either a) a 29 point performance by Peyton, or b) a 30 point performance by Forte. Otherwise, their teams are very similar, filled with underperformers. Trades will make or break both these teams.

6) Travis (last week, 1)

I am mostly disappointed by Travis's inability to make my prediction look good. While his team is far from finished, I think Kim showed this week that some statistical upheaval might be in the works.

7) Jason (last week, 3)

Remember how I called his team risky? Enter Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. Bedshitters!

8) Scott (last week, 8)

If he can't beat Peter...it's either shape up or ship out

9) Ryan (last week, 6)

There's only one good reason he's not #10...

10) Peter (last week, 10)

So sure, he's got a win. But those 56 sad, sad points make me wonder what Peter's earning potential is this year. Peter's team is defined by the 4-7 point player (the amount of points each person puts up, and has no break out stars. He lucked out against Scottie McScottyousuck this week, but I don't think he'll be as lucky in the near future. When he wins a with 100 points, I'll take notice.

Scrub Starters of the Week: (players on the active roster with 0 or less points)

Rob: 49ers Def -1
Jason: Shonn Greene -1
Scott: CJ Spiller 0
Kim: Garrett Hartley 0
Ryan: Kenny Britt 0

Week 2 Fearless Predictions:

Spotlight Game: Hasselback's Last Stand vs. D Money All Day

The arguably best two teams in our league meet in Week 2. My prediction? Sorry, Kim, I think you'll make the playoffs, but Donel is damn good right now. Prediction: Donel by 8 pts


Arian: The Master Race vs. Team Buffalo

I realize I was lucky with Arian Foster last week. He won't get 41 pts again, but my team should be decent. Regardless, Kyle needs to win in order to not fall behind too quickly. Prediction: PUSH

My Team vs. Favre From Over

I wouldn't expect Scott to suck as bad this week. That being said, I still believe Travis is the better team: Prediction: Travis by 3

Colt McFev vs. The Frum

Both of these teams need wins. The difference? Drew's got a team to back it up. Prediction: Drew by 5

The Goods vs. Mile High Club

This is like watching arena football. Yea, someone wins and loses, but does anyone really care? Prediction: PUSH.

Final Postscript: Somewhere in the middle of this post I left to get wasted. Can you tell where the writing takes a dip for the worst?