Week 7: WNQ Pt II:Rivalries

You’ll probably never believe this, but I actually had Part II of this week’s WNQ done relatively on time this week. While I was flying to Orlando I actually had it all typed up on my iPad before I even landed. Feeling satisfied with my work, I took a quick nap…since my flight had departed at 6 am. When I got to my hotel, I planned to hook into the wireless and post it up. Only when I opened my bag I realized my iPad wasn’t there. It was still in the front pocket of my seat on the plane.

Of course, United Airlines was unhelpful. All there were able to tell me is that after dropping me off the plane was off to “somewhere in Mexico.” Translation: iPad is dead (or at least sold on the black market and refurbished from drug dealing purposes).

But enough whining from me. This post is supposed to be about our first rivalry week! (I think it was probably better the first time. But hopefully it's still good

As some of you might remember, I handcrafted the schedule this year with the goal of creating some rivalries. I had tried this in the past with the whole “divisions” thing, but no one really cares about winning within their division when it does nothing for their overall ability to make the playoffs.

So I took a note from the Big Ten. The Big Ten created rivalries from, well, existing rivalries. In that same fashion, I tried to pick logical parings that would have something to fight about. Some of these rivalries ended up better than others. For example, Jon has less history in our league than everyone else and thus had less time to develop strong intra-FF rivalries. Kim, also, provided a challenge, being above some of our petty med school rivalries for the most part. Occasionally I stretched it. Think Nebraska-Penn State in the Big Ten: some of these rivalries were manufactured to sell tickets.

As if bragging rights weren’t enough, I shall also give out trophy points for these! The ultimate, useless aspect of the ESPN league that means nothing has been neglected for too long. I will make sure we use every last drop of resource that ESPN has to offer.

The Overanalyzer Cup: Rob vs. Scott

Scott and I have, over the years, crossed paths many times in battle for drafting players, battle for free agents, battle for playoffs spot, etc. This, at least in part, is because of our individual overuse of the same resources. We’re both big TMR fans, and though I can’t feign to know everything Scott does to prepare for fantasy football, I constantly find myself at odds with him. When I thought I could steal Arian Foster late in the auction two years ago at bargain basement prices, Scott had the same idea, leading to a bidding war. Every time I think I’ve found a player no one wants, Scott finds him. The worst part about it is that he happens to do everything better. See his two championship to my zero. CURSE YOU SCOTT BAKER. You will be destroyed.

What this means to their (our) seasons: Scott’s team is (fortunately) in disarray. My team is awash with lost potential. Due to our respective terrible PF, we each need a big week to help give us some edge in general tiebreakers. Also, though Scott has a tie to his name to help give him in the edge, I have no such luxury, and will likely need one more win than the majority of the pack to make the playoffs. A win in week 7 could potentially save each of our seasons.

The Plate of Eternal Damnation: Jon vs. Peter

Anyone who has been reading these posts knows about PES. As the originator of the disease, Peter has moved to the tertiary stage of unluckiness. Constant player injuries, repeated close losses, and general bad will against him in general…the list of tertiary PES symptoms go on and on. Jon, meanwhile, being the most recently infected, has the chance to go toe to toe with the man who infected him! With his current downward trajectory, his chance of full on PES—a terminal illness—is dangerously high.

What this means for their season: Quite a bit. As current bottom feeders, both of them need a win if they want any chance of breaking out of the league’s ghetto. Also, since we’re all so tightly mixed, a single win means a lot right now, and advancement opportunities are high.

The Primary Care Bear: Ryan vs. Kim

Fine. Maybe I’m stretching. But let’s look at this: of all of the people we hang out with (in any form), Ryan and Kim are the only people I know who moved on to be PCPs. While the rest of us will be rolling in the big bucks, they’ll be rubbing runny noses, diagnosing influenza, and living in a double wide. Who wouldn’t be angry about this? GET YOUR RAGE ON.

What this means for their season: Kim is in a fairly good place to make the playoffs if she can maintain a .500 record, thanks to her tie. Every win counts. Ryan is, well, terrible, and needs wins desperately.

The Beast Bowl: Kyle vs. Donel

I think we can all agree that Kyle and Donel are beasts. Donel is the man who found the only research lab in the recreation center so he wouldn’t need to be far from his precious barbells. And anyone present for Kyle repeatedly crushing grown men into the snow (while half-naked, unfortunately) in a totally unnecessary wrestling tournament will have no questions to his status as a beast. But there can only be one.

What this means for their season: Neither Kyle nor Donel are terrible…well, maybe Donel is a bit terrible. But as is the norm this season…it’s kind of anyone game.

The Roommate Ring: Travis vs. Jason

Nostalgia time: Remember Travis and Jason living in the same apartment? For four years running? I do. Two southern boys (so what if Jason is from Ohio? IT DOESN’T WORK FOR THIS STORY) transplanted to the cold north, united against your standard Midwesterners for four years before getting married to their respective southern women and making four billion dollars each. It’s all very heartwarming. What people may no remember is when Travis and Jason got drunk at Alex Kuo’s house and had a wrestling match that ended in a bloody nose for Jason. Their rivalry might be a little more on the friendly side, but I’m hoping that bringing up this old dirt will make them want to smash each others face in.

What this means for their season: This one’s simple: they’re essentially fighting for a bye week. Though it’s still early and anything can happen, they each have an inside track for the playoffs and, potentially, a guaranteed 4th or higher finish.

The Frenemy Plaque: Ryan Davis vs. Drew

Nostalgia time part II: now this is a rivalry we can get behind. We’re all familiar with the Ryan and Drew bromance. When Drew first came to Ann Arbor he slept on Ryan Davis’ couch for a month. This blossomed into a cross-nation friendship that visited multiple states and led to (I assume) mutual groomsmanship in each other’s weddings. But, lest we forget, there have been some rough times in the friendship of Davis and Drew. The fights. The Tears. Pizza-Slap-Face-Gate. Ryan vs. Drew is a tale as old as time. WHO SHALL WIN?

What this means for their season: Playoffs are within both of their grasps. Another win for Drew means more distance between him and the pack. A win for Ryan could bring Drew back to the group…and elevate Ryan near first place. 

Week 7: WNQ Makes a Triumphant Return! (Part 1)

So it occurred to me that this week I have a lot to write about. In part because we’re nearing the exact middle of the season and teams have somewhat defined themselves. However, it’s also been apparent that I have been shirking my Commissioner duties for the past few weeks and been putting out subpar to nonexistent WNQ. Well this week, THAT WILL ALL CHANGE. I’ve got plenty to talk about, and plenty of time. Bring it, world.

What We Know So Far

Drew Flum (Rice A Roni)
5-1 (1st)
PF 588 (1st)
PA 525 (5th)

Drew is currently the class of the league. With the highest PF and the best record, he’s sitting pretty for a probably playoff spot. He’s had four weeks with 98 points or better, and only one truly bad week, a 69 point performance that was still able to eke out a win all the way back in week 2.

How is he doing it? He’s got a 1-2 punch at QB of intermittently great and average Matt Schaub and Michael Vick. He’s got the #2 RB Ray Rice and another top 30 in Matt Forte to cover him. He has a bevy of WR options (5 in the top 40…start thinking of your trades now, boys), including two of the top 10. Having the bears D/ST also doesn’t hurt. And it’s not like he’s just cruising against bad teams. His opponents are averaging a not shabby 87.5 points per game. Lets hear it for the boys.

Records This Season: None (But the Bears have been close, with two games at 23 pts, the 11th best ever in our league)

Fines This Season: None

Travis Langley (My Team)
4-2 (2ND)
PF 546 (3rd)
PA 529 (4th)

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Travis is again in position to have a great season only to fall apart in the playoffs. We knew this was going to happen. It happens every year. Perennial Maid of Honor Travis is again crossing his fingers he’ll catch the bouquet and have a chance to have his own big day, but we know better. It’s not going to last.

Which is not to say that he’s been lucky. He’s putting up points (see his 109-105 victory over myself in Week 4) against people putting up points, as seen by his PF/PA. Like everyone else this season, he’s got WRs to spare, but his lack of options at RB will likely be his downfall. When your number one RB is Doug Martin, only sadness can await you

Records This Season: None, but Marques Colston 31 pts and Jordy Nelson: 30 pts have come close

Fines This Season: None


Jason Feuerman (Smirnoff Matty Ice)
4-2 (3rd)
PF 532 (5th)
PA 524 (6th)

He’s back, isn’t he? We all knew this day would come. It’s like that Disney movie where the poor, abandoned child Arthur pulls the sword from the stone and comes to rule all of England and fuck his sister. Only instead of rooting for conquest/incest, we were thoroughly enjoying the poverty and despair of Jason and are now entering the part where he becomes an evil despot and slits our throats. Curse you Jason Feuerman, and your little dog too!

But all is not lost. Jewish Malifecent ™ has been very consistent but has failed to score over 100 points. Consistency, a hallmark of the Travis Langley teams of yore, is a kiss of death in the playoffs. And this is not a team without problems, as his paltry 79 points showed last week. His RB situation is fantastic, and with AJ Green and Torrey Smith, he’s got a solid top 2 and WR. Heck, even his QB (Matt Ryan) and his K and D/ST are good. Fine. His team is pretty great. Long live the Evil Queen.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Ryan Davis (Gingers With Souls)
4-2 (4th)
PF 524 (6th)
PA 460 (12th)

Well look at this! The Historical Worst Team Ever has not done too poorly for himself thus far! With four wins, he’s a good bet for a playoff birth—though the season is still young, and better Ryans have had more wins at this point and missed the playoffs. Regardless, Ryan has already surpassed his win total from Season 1 and will consider this season a win regardless of what sort of meltdown his team might have.

One caveat to all the mea culpas, however. Ryan Davis currently has the least number of points against of any team in the league. He’s still doing fairly well for himself in the scoring department, but he’s definitely benefitting from some below average play from his opponents.

Beyond some strong QB options in Flacco and Manning, Good Ole Ginger is actually a little bit soft. His RBs are terrible (like, Travis terrible), and his two TEs have an average ranking of 49th (and guess which one he’s starting this week? Hint: it’s not the good one). He’s got some strengths at WR, but his team is a big question mark if his opponents begin turning up the heat.

Records This Season:
Week 4: 119 TTP good for highest team point total ever
Week 4: 49ers D/ST 29 pts (#3 D/ST)

Fines This Season: None


Kyle Bohm (Buffalo Bonecrushers)
3-3 (5th)
PF 480 (9th)
PA 522 (7th)

Now we’re getting into a stretch in the middle I like to call the filling of the league. The first four teams have had strong overall showings and are kind of like the crisp French bread of the sandwich. The people in the middle are fighting for their chance to be the meat. Some will rise to the occasional and do so; some will be lettuce, and lettuce sucks.

Kyle’s hussling right now. He knows his team isn’t great. He has not hit triple digits at all this year, but still does have three wins to his name. He’s got a variety of above average players but few stars, and his WR core is surprisingly average, given the shear number of options out there. He’s also got a shit show at RB, but who doesn’t.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Rob Huang (Break Your Hartline)
3-3 (6th)
PF 473 (11th)
PA 489 (11th)

Like my patients, my team is terribly bipolar. One week I score 105, the next week I score 59. I’m one of the lowest scoring teams in the league…but no one will score any points against me! Another fun fact: I have won every game I’ve scored less than 75 points, but lost every game in which I’ve scored more. How sad is that?

My team’s kind of a mess. My RB situation is, in a word, dismal, and I’ve got a plethora of hit or miss WRs. And please, lets never talk about my QB situation. I’m going to need some luck to make it to the playoffs.

Records This Season: None, but Brian Hartline was so close with 31

Fines This Season: None


Kim Vanderzee (The One Girl)
2-3-1 (7th)
PF 478 (10th)
PA 501 (8th)

Could that tie on Kim’s record be a sign? The only time Kim made the playoffs, she snuck in with a 6-6-1 record, beating multiple 6-7 teams due to sheer luck. After pulling off the tie yet again, it’s too early to say whether or not she’ll return to the dance, but she does have a significant statistical advantage.

Her team, however, is kind of abysmal. After Tony Gonzalez, there is a big drop off in the quality of her players. I’m not counting Reggie Wayne, because I know Reggie Wayne only causes sadness. She has shown to ability to explode in a 104-82 win over Travis…though to be fair, it seems like Kim always beats Travis. She’s actually 2-3 against him all time, but if you consider that two of the losses are during her inaugural season of sadness, she’s not doing half bad.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Scott Baker (Diaper Money)
2-3-1 (8th)
PF 447 (12th)
PA 561(1st)

It’s the rare team that manages to combine scoring the least points with getting the most points scored against him. But Scott has no ordinary team. It takes work to get beat 130 to 45. I had officially written Scott’s team off as dead…and then he drops 125 points this week after never breaking 80 in five weeks of play. Could we be reaching a turning point? Time will tell…

My guess is, however, that last week was a fluke. His players are generally terrible, and he manages to have my four least favorite RBs of all time: Shonn Greene, Peyton Hillis, DeAngelo Williams, and Donald Brown. If he had Joseph Addai he’d have the full set. Also, mark my words: Shonn Greene will never score 34 fantasy points again. Ever

Records This Season: Nate Keading in Week 1, 18 pts (#6 K)

Fines This Season: None


Jon Godin (Godin Beats It)
2-4 (9th)
PF 568 (2nd)
PA 540 (2nd)

Godin has one unlucky team. He’s scored under 80 points exactly once, and he has a 145 point game to his name. He’s the second highest scoring team, but has only two wins to show for it. The reason? Peter Emiley Syndrome (PES): no matter how many points Jon scores, his opponent scores more. The bad news for Jon is that PES is like syphilis; if you don’t treat it early, you’ve got it forever.

It’s a good thing, too, because his team is RD. He has a top 5 player at QB, RB, WR, TE, and D/ST. Watching Jon’s team lose is so ridiculous I want to set myself on fire. He’s got hands down the best team in the league. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

Records This Season: Aaron Rodgers Week 6, 38 pts (#4 QB, #9 Overall)

Fines This Season: None


Donel Sequea (D Sizzle)
2-4 (10th)
PF 545 (4th)
PA 538 (3rd)

Speaking of underachievers…has anyone seen Donel’s team? Here’s his scoring totals week by week: 100 – 81 - 81 - 90 - 130 – 65. Doesn’t that seem like he’d have 3, maybe 4 wins? Donel is another team whom people love to score against, early and often. Peter has clearly been spreading PES around the league. Let this be a warning to all those who get a little frisky with Peter.

Donel has six players ranked in the top 10 at their position, and three more in the top 20. Yet he’s wasting all of his roster room with 3 total QBs, which he knows he’ll never use. Almost as baffling as Jon Godin

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: $4 (failed to start a D/ST and K in Week 2…and still beat Jason!)


Ryan Good (White Roddy’s)
2-4 (11th)
PF 515 (7th)
PA 498 (10th)

It’s funny how Donel, Godin and Ryan are alike: they’re all good teams being accidentally screwed. Let’s compare for a second. All of these teams represent teams under .500 despite PF > PA. All have generally strong line ups, but all of them just can’t seem to get it done. I really do think one of these teams will rise from the ashes, but I’m not sure who yet.

Everything I said about Donel and Godin is the same for Ryan. He’s got six top 10 players and an overall fairly strong lineup…yet he can’t win for the life of him. He’s a couple wins away from advancing 6 places, though, so the door is open.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Peter Emiley (Hide Your ACLs)
2-4 (12th)
PF 491 (8th)
PA 500 (9th)

We’ve gotten use to Secondary PES Peter teams, the ones who score a million points but lose by one point every week. Now we’re heading into Tertiary PES territory: the gummas are taking over, and Peter is generally sucking. The worst is that he’s trending down; his past two games have been his worst two games. Here’s hoping it stays this way so we all get some easy wins down the stretch!

Peter seems to be the only person who failed to pick up a bevy of good WR. With the resurgence of Brandon Lloyd, this may be changing, but it’s odd that with all of the other teams being so WR heavy, Peter has only one Top 30 WR.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Stay tuned later this week for Part 2. Remember, Week 7 is our first rivalry week, and I’ll be posting more about these in the next 1-2 days (likely while I’m sitting in the airport). 

A short week 3-4 WNQ

I've been very bad.

Not like, kill someone in cold blood or kick a puppy bad, but I have been lazy/overworked bad. What that means for you is no WNQ last week. I'll try to do better. This week and for the rest of the month.

The big problem right now is that I don't have a laptop. Last week I was in Washington DC interviewing for a position at Georgetown. This week I'm flying to Henry Ford. All of next week I'll be in Denver at the American College of Emergency Physicians conference, and then the next week I'm doing the famed Nebraska to Phoenix to Orlando to Nebraska cross country jaunt.

But enough about me. One quick story before I get into meat of this post. As some of you may know, I love a good email storm. Probably not as much as Peter, but I'm probably one of their biggest fans in the world. For those who don't know, Wikipedia defines an email storm as "a sudden spike of reply all messages on an email distribution list, usually caused by a controversial or misdirected message." I've been a huge fan of these ever since Women's Bible Study 2006 crashed the University of Michigan email system.

Yesterday, a woman named Vicki Daly sent an email to the "Resident and Student Advisory Committee" telling them about the time of an ACEP meeting time. It is unclear to me who is supposed to be on this committee, but I can assure you that I am not one of them. I originally thought about replying, but then realize I couldn't possibly be part of this meeting and ignored it.

Since then 44 messages have been generated over the course of about 16 hours. The initial flurry of emails expressed confusion as to what this meeting is and why all of us are supposed to be there. This was followed by a couple of well-meant yet misguided emails about how this was sent to them in error. As is classic for an email storm, this set off a flurry of emails requesting to be removed from the list...of course in Reply All form. This response led to another wave of "stop replying to all you losers!" Meanwhile, the doctors of emergency medicine, who are clearly no better than your average 16 year old girl, continued to reply to all asking to be taken off the list while other grown men and women called them idiots. A couple of emails betting the over/under of the emails also generated (the line is unofficially at 60). As of this morning the emails are still coming.

It's a great email storm. It'll likely continue until whatever beleaguered, tech-averse physician realizes she totally fucked up her list-serve fixes it. It's also good information to have because it's a snapshot of EM physicians behaving light unprofessional children. I hope to get the chance to meet some of these people so I can judge them.

But now, isn't this a fantasy football post?

It's extremely interesting trying to recap two weeks...mostly because it is impossible. With the parity in this league as it is, most teams performed like two different teams in Weeks 3 and 4.

After my embarrassing win over Jon in Week 3 (73-57) where Jake Locker scored over 35% of my total points, I had a respectable 109-105 defeat at the hands of Travis, which I managed without a QB at all.

Godin, meanwhile, rebounded with 91 points in Week 4 but continues to look, well, average. After an explosive start, Jon has settled back to the middle of the pack. Travis has continually made the statement that 12 teams = chaos, with too much parity. While its too soon to really tell, Godin's team's massive swings is concerning.

Also on the rebound: Ryan Davis, who like Godin is awash in inconsistency. One player who is NOT is Kim, the reigning champion of the tie. Also, her team is terrible.

This post is short, and it's because I can only type on my iPad for so long before I go insane. More updates later this week or early next week, including some more details about stats/fines.

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Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 1: Peter Strikes Again, and Other Stories

Let's be honest. We know Ryan Davis couldn't have done this himself.


I make a lot of jokes about people in WNQ. From everyone hating Jason to Drew enjoying penis, these are mostly jokes, perhaps with the slight sting of truth. We all do resent Jason’s cerebral fantasy football play style—at least when it’s working. Also, as a Urologist, one must presume Drew does, indeed, love the penis. Though just not in the way I tend to imply.

Something to not joke about: Peter’s ability to destroy a player’s knee. There were five (fantasy football eligible) players in the NFL last season to suffer cruciate ligament tears: Nate Keading, K (ACL), Jordan Shipley, WR (ACL), Jamaal Charles, RB (ACL), Tim Hightower, RB (ACL), and Kenny Britt, WR (ACL/MCL). Of those five players, Peter was actively starting THREE of those players when they went down: Keading, Charles, and Britt. That means Peter was related to 60% of the injured Knees of Fantasy Football Players, and 66% of all ligament tears.

This season, to start off another year of (undoubted) losing and failure, Peter, the Tonya Harding of Fantasy Football, took another crowbar to the knee of one of his starters: Fred Jackson suffered an LCL injury (though the MRI results were “nonconclusive”) and is out for 3 weeks or more. Really, is there an owner more scary than Peter? We should be begging him to trade us players from our favorite teams and send him all the asshats we want to put jinxes on. It’s no joke that Peter “Kneecapper” Emiley will be taking more defenseless players down this season. Let’s hope its not Tom Brady.

In other news, the league is, more or less, playing out as it should as of week 1. Jason, Scott, and Travis, all teams I expected to contend for the title, have wins under their belts (some more decisive than others, Scott). Teams expected to underperform this season (Ryan Good, Kim, and Peter) all notched losses. And those middle brow teams with dreams of greatness more or less split the difference, with Donel, Kim, and myself losing, while Godin and Drew pulled out some magic. Drew in particular, given his league high 116 points.

The big surprise of the week remains the Davis vs. Bohm matchup. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Kyle Bohm, lifetime record of 41-37-1 (even with that terrible computer drafted season last year), has finished 6th or better four out of five seasons. In his best season, he scored 1375 points over the course of thirteen weeks, and has an all time personal high score of 142 in a single week.

Ryan Davis, lifetime record of 3-10, was the overall disgrace of our first fantasy football season, finishing second to last after more or less bailing on everyone. He finished with 921 points total, a to this day all time low for the league, and has one, total, score above 100 in his single season with the league.

Ryan Davis was, for all intents and purposes, a set up to be destroyed this week by Buffalo. But somewhere along the way, that plan got derailed. In his 101-84 victory, Davis doubled his number of 100+ point games and scored 30 points above his previous per-game average. Kyle succeeded only in creating a lot of questions about whether or not last season was truly a fluke.

There are multiple variables in any fantasy football game. I don’t think Davis will get 16 points from his kicker every week, nor am I sure that Kevin Smith is a top 5 fantasy RB. Time will tell what to make of these two jokers over the next few weeks, but for now, let us tentatively congratulate Ryan Davis for not sucking.

Overall, though, this was not a pretty week for out FF league. Last year at this time, our league average 95 points per team during opening week; this year, we managed only 86 per team. It is hard for me to speculate, at this point, whether or not this is solely due to the higher number of teams leading to greater dilution of talent, or if we might simply be caught in a greater wave of diminishing FF gains from players. Also notable: this is the third straight year Jason and I have faced off in the opening week…and his first win. I had never noticed that nor planned it before. Do I smell a new tradition?

Finally, since my residency is three years long, September is my month to, you know, go out and interview for positions. So my WNQs will likely be shorter than usual this month. This is a good time, since it’s hard for me to pick out trends and laugh mercilessly at people with an n of 1 in all categories. Nobody knows anything. Except for Peter. Peter knows who will have their season ended next!

Finally, as of last notification from Ryan, no $$ has been received from Scott and Godin. Free Agent Auction budgets are reducing accordingly.

http://ichooseweswelker.blogspot.com

Bob

PreSeason WNQ

The First Ever University of Michigan Medical Fantasy Football League (UMMFFA) Primer: Everything A Beginner Needs To Know To Win (From Someone Who Never Has)

I, Rob Huang, with the power invested in me as Commissioner and all-around cruel dictator, hereby declare Jon Godin and Ryan Davis conditional members of UMMFFA. Welcome, gentlemen. In this posting, you will find everything you need to know to succeed in this league. But first, it is my duty as commissioner to let you know a few basics.

1)    You are required to follow the laws of the constitution, which is attached in its most updated form. You are subject to any and all penalties within should you fail to do so.

2)    As conditional members, you are automatically on probationary status. This does not mean you are in trouble for something. It just means that we're and occasionally curmudgeonly bunch who do not know if you will be trustworthy and active. Is conditional members, you do not yet have a vote on the Members Council, but may participate as observers. As members on probation, that means that, at the end of the season, all active members in good standing will vote as to whether or not to move you to active status, leave you on probation for another season, or drop you from the league all together.

Whew, glad that is out of the way. You might be wondering why there are so many rules. Well, the biggest reason is that I'm entirely out of my mind. Also, we needed a fair, known way to settle any disputes with rules/other managers that developed over the course of the season. Finally, due to a variety of...problematic issues that occurred during the early years of the league, we needed a way to assure league stability. What's that, you ask? You're not familiar with the ins and outs of what happened during previous season? Well, I'm glad you asked, because I just happen to be an expert historian.

A History of UMMFFA, Part I: The Dark Ages

UMMFFA was founded for the 2007 NFL season with Ryan Good as commissioner (being one of the few with any FF experience) with 14 (!) founding members: Ryan Good, Travis, Jason, Scott, Kyle, Donel, Drew, Peter, Ryan Davis, Phil, Karen, Nava, Annie/Carissa, and myself. We were all relatively inexperienced and naive at that point in time, and we took everything much less seriously. So, overall, the goal was to be inclusive and "just have fun."

We had considerably less fun than we do now, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, 14 people was too many. If you imagine everyone starting one QB, and some people having backups on their roster, it wasn't too long before people began starting Trent Dilfer, Alex Smith, Eli Manning (during his dark years), and other Ryan Leaf-esque players.

The bigger problem, however, was inactivity. Karen was in another FF league, and since her team sucked, she quickly phased us out (much like she was phased out of our social circle). Annie/Carissa never figured out how to log on. Nava would randomly drop a type 5 RB because she didn't know better. And Ryan Davis was too big of a brown noser to get his shit together and manage his team. Turns out you can't study 23 hours a day and play FF, too.

At the end of the season, we discussed the path going forward, and decided that, instead of going through the drama of telling people that we did not appreciate their lackadaisical behavior in managing their teams, we would instead just restart the league without them and feign ignorance.

So, in year 2, we took it back to basics: ten teams, with all of the girls (including Ryan Davis) unceremoniously ejected. However, the astute reader will note that Phil's name has not yet been addressed. He was an active member during season 1, making the playoffs and overall causing no problems. However, just as Phil began to become withdrawn in real life, he became somewhat withdrawn from FF. In season 2, Phil was the new Ryan Davis. He didn't start players, his team sucked, and overall disrupted the flow of the league. So, as we had with those before him, Phil was shunned and not reinvented to participate.

A History of UMMFFA, Part II: The Fantasy Football Revolution

With Year 3 approaching, our league had an opening. Everyone knows that leagues with an odd number of teams are overall worse than those with an even number, so we had a decision to make about recruiting a new member. Given that we had been burned repeatedly, the big thing we were looking for was someone with a) proven fantasy experience who b) was a fellow medical student who could be easily kept track of. Enter: Kim Vanderzee.

What Kim had going for her was extensive fantasy baseball experience. Fantasy Baseball, in my eyes, is Fantasy Football's more complex and demanding but ultimately less fun half-brother. There's all this stuff about saves and RBIs and games happen constantly without any real winners or losers. Really riveting stuff. The thing Kim had going against her was that she was a woman, and women had proven notoriously unreliable in our leagues history. However, she was given a shot based on good faith, and while her team had some ups and downs (see the '2012 Primer' section below for more information), she has been a good, active player, whose fortunes, it appears, are on the rise.

Season 3 was also the year we left limp, flaccid snake drafts behind and commenced with our throbbing, erect auction drafts, which we still use today, with nearly universal acclaim. In fact, season 3 and 4 have been called (mostly by me) "The Quiet Years," because everyone was satisfied with the status quo. After Season 4, however, that all changed. Empowered with Matthew Berry's words of wisdom, we grouped together and implemented a keeper system to attempt to give teams some continuity from year to year. This, theoretically, would allow people to have more ownership over their teams, and encourage long term planning over flash in the pan luck.

This didn't exactly happen. The keeper plan that was devised, while brilliant, was complicated and occasionally confusing. Also, it generated a community of haves and have-nots, with the concern that bad teams would be sentenced to being bad forever, while good teams would rule the day permanently. While there we're safeguards in place for this, people were getting impatient, and voted, at the end of Season 5, to table keeper for the time being. This was met with much resentment, particularly by Peter, a perennial bottom feeder who was just acquiring the powers to create a killer keeper team. As will new described later, this poor luck for Peter is not only unsurprising but should have been anticipated and expected.

Finally, the final big decision that was laid down at the end of season 5 was the addition of you fools. All votes are confidential, but their results are not, so it is important to note that the vote for your respective inclusions was 6 to 4. So don't be lay, don't forget to manage your team, and don't be Ryan Davis. Even if you are Ryan Davis.

2012 Preview: A Team by Team Breakdown

What follows is the best possible guide (for newcomers and old timers alike) to the teams of our league. This is an impossible, Herculean task, given that all of the players of said teams are, as of now, unknown, and, unlike in real football, all attempts at prognostics are impossible. That being said, I am a big believer that history has shown us trends that can be helpful.

Ryan Good

Last Season: 10-3 (1st place)

Ryan Good's teams are defined by a consistency in their inconsistency. One of the hardest teams to predict, Ryan Good has had some epic meltdowns (the 6-0 to 6-7 season comes to mind), and epic victories. He nearly always begins as one of the most hyped teams due to his general draft mindset. As last year's draft was skewed by our keepers system, I have left it out of my general conclusions. Also, keep in mind that, with their trends laid bare, I'm sure all these tendencies will be reexamined and changed

When drafting, Ryan tends to go big. He typically is an early pick big spender, spending the vast majority of his budget on a few big players. He will be in the mix of a top QB, RB, and WR, usually spending up to 80-90% of his budget, then rolling the dice on the rest. His livelihood will then live and die with the productivity of his Drew Bree's, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson, equivalents.

Fun fact: Ryan Good has never had back to back successful season. He missed the playoffs in 2010, the season before his big win; and despite a strong season in 2009 he did poorly in both 2007 and 2008. History does not bode well for a repeat victory.

Team: Travis Langley

Last Year: 7-4-2 (2nd Place)

Travis has never finished worse than 4th place. In 5 seasons he has always made it to at least the second round of the playoffs. That being said, he has also never won. That means five consecutive season of finishing between 2nd and 4th. It's kind of mind boggling how consistent his teams are, especially given the fact that it's an entirely different team each year. It's also surprising he hasn't been able to win. Bridesmaid forever.

In the draft, Travis is hard to define. He's clearly well researched, because he tends to know who he wants...and he gets them. I have no proof of this, but I believe he drives up the prices on players other managers want more than they should. He also is rarely fooled by a bargain price on an overrated player. He'll compete for some big names, but appropriately. While Ryan Good will often bet the farm on some #1 guys, regardless of price, Travis drafts smart, which is both frustrating and annoying.

Travis is a smart bet to make the playoffs, and will likely make the run for the championship. The question, however, is whether or not he can win...and time will tell.

Team: Drew Flum

Last Year: 10-3 (3rd place)

Drew followed up his winning 2010 campaign with the best regular season record in 2011. He subsequently fell victim to the Curse of the #1 seed and subsequently managed only a 3rd place finish. He was one of the bigger benefactors from our one season of keepers, because he had displayed no such brilliance in his previous seasons. The question remains as to whether or not Drew will be a new power player or if he will revert to his 5th place or worse ways.

Drew has few discernible tendencies in regards to big names during the draft. He does tend to end up with a couple of if names, but, unlike Ryan Good, doesn't usually end up broke after picking up 3-4 players. He will often take a kicker and a D/ST early, often for more than $1, and has been known to bring up Nate Keading for auction every year in the first round or two.

I am reserving judgment on Drew as of this time. This draft will define his path forward and the season as a whole will give us better clarification on whether Drew was bolstered solely by the keeper system or by his own improvements in FF skill.

Team: Rob Huang

Last Year: 9-4 (4th place)

Last year was a landmark season for Team Bob, as, in my fourth playoff appearance, I finally won a playoff game. I am what you might call a perennial 6th place team. Through a variety of luck, trades, and one player blowing up, I typically have a playoff caliber team that goes nowhere. I would argue, also, that I was another of the benefactors of the keeper system, and I rode Arian Foster and Gronkowski all the day to the second round before my inevitable meltdown.

Reviewing my previous drafts, I tend to draft in the Jason/Scott school of conservatism. I'm an anxious draft fretter who plays conservative and ultimately never gets anyone I want. I rely on getting that lucky rookie or beleaguered veteran. I do not endorse this strategy, and have ultimately lost years or my life doing this.

For the upcoming season, I will likely revert to scrapping it out for a 5th-7th place finish.

Team: Kim Vanderzee

Last Year: 6-6-1 (5th Place)

When Kim entered the league, she started behind. Each of us had 2+ years of experience on her, and it showed. For the first two seasons of her tenure, she got rocked. Some had questioned if she had what it takes.

Last season answered some questions, with her first playoff appearance and playoff win. It wasn't the prettiest of seasons (with two playoff teams at .500), but beggars can't be choosers.

Kim rarely drafts herself, which might be her problem. The Queen of the Autodraft, I can't really comment about her styles.

For Kim, as for myself and Drew, this will be a defining season. Does she replicate her success, or revert to her old ways?

Team: Scott Baker

Last year: 6-6-1 (6th place)

With the first five teams, we spoke a lot about teams trending in the right direction. Obviously, that means there must be some managers trending in the wrong direction. Interestingly, despite never missing the playoffs, Scott is one of those downtrending teams. This is, in part, due to where he started; over the first three seasons he finished 2nd, 1st, and 1st. No one can keep up that level of dominance, and his teams have turned from proven champions to long-shot contenders over the past couple of seasons.  While still far from a disaster season, Scott's 2011 season was a disappointment, and his team clawed it's way into the playoffs where he subsequently got his clock cleaned.

Scott is one of the founders of the conservative draft philosophy, and perhaps one of its masters. I consider Scott to be someone who ends up with a team of 2nd and 3rd round picks, with few all out busts but less top tier prospects. He will shell out big bucks for players he is particularly enthused about, but he typically loses in head to head battles over said players, most specifically to me for Arian Foster back in 2010. He is generally speaking quiet early in the draft and a heavy factor in the mid to late stages.

I expect Scott's team will re-emerge as a power player with the keepers attempt behind us. I do not know if he will challenge for the title but as the most consistent player not named Travis, he must always be considered a preseason contender.

Team: Donel Sequea

Last Season; 1-11-1 (7th place)

While we often don't pay much attention to the consolation bracket, it's worth noting that Donel, who could manage only one win all season, managed three consecutive wins in the consolation bracket to finish in 7th place. Donel is a bit of a wild card in our league, sort of a Ryan Good-light. He, in his five seasons, has been all over the place, with a second place finish in 2010 as well as multiple finishes in the bottom two. Also, based on his early draft, it's impossible to tell how terrible he'll be; his players will spontaneously underperform or over perform based on random chance.

During the draft, Donel has been known for getting the big player. He will put up big bucks for the consensus #1 and has no problem doing so. His team will generally be fairly well balanced, and while not conservative, he hasn't gotten himself into Kyle or Ryan Good-esque fund busting disasters, either.

I believe Donel is probably a good bet to be a middle of the pack player, likely a 5th-8th finisher. His inconsistency makes him hard to predict, both for good and for bad. When I called him a Ryan Good light, I meant it. But instead of flashes of brilliance, he has flashed of competence.

Team: Jason Feuerman

Last Year: 6-7 (8th Place)

Jason, after winning the inaugural season and performing consistently strong during the subsequent two, has now had two consecutive losing seasons and missed the playoffs in both. A FF mastermind, Jason has nonetheless suffered from some key missteps over the past few seasons.

You see, Jason tends to spend his free agent auction budgets fast and furiously, subsequently keeping him out of the running for most key players later in the season. He is able to keep his team afloat by sheer skill and willpower, but he hasn't been able to return to the height of his previously glories. Also, he's sort of the mad genius of the bunch, and a little bit evil.

If you look up Jason Feuerman in the dictionary, the third definition states: "a style of drafting marked by careful research, conservative fund management, and amassment of a high number of quality players over a small amount of superstars." he's the Oakland A's of UMMFFA. Anything I said about Scott's drafting style is also true to for Jason's, only more so.

I expect this will be Jason's year to return to glory, for a couple of reasons. First, it's hard to keep down someone with the sheer amount of research and wherewithal he has. Also, let's not forget Defensegate. Last season, Jason failed to successfully acquire a defense one week because of being outbid; had he had that defense, he would have won that game and subsequently made the playoffs. After having a year to curse our names, I expect he will return with vengeance, and hell hath no fury like a Jason scorned.

Team: Peter Emiley

Last Season: 5-7-1 (9th Place)

Peter has, almost invariably, been a league bottom feeder. This is not entirely his fault. Both the curse of fate and some almost unfathomable bad luck has insured four straight years of deep sadness and losing seasons. Last season was not one of his worst, but it still wasn't particularly great.

Peter is the master of losing close games; if the scores of each team are I thin 5, Peter will probably lose. He also managed 3 torn ACLs in 3 weeks last season, which is ridiculous. Through no fault of his own, the universe hates him. Though, this might be his fault, because he is a terrible person.

When drafting, Peter skews conservative, but he knows what he needs and will shell out big when behind the eight ball at a certain position. Keep in mind, however, that whoever Peter drafts will likely go out for the season, so pray he doesn't pick anyone you like.

I cannot in good faith predict Peter will be good this year. He was in a good place to succeed after two keeper seasons and will likely suffer the most from the rule change. History does not suggest karma will turn around for him, unless he has become a much better person.

Team: Kyle Bohm

Last Season: 2-11 (10^th Place)

6^th place. 3^rd place. 4^th place. 5^th place. Those are the ultimate finishes of Kyle’s team during seasons 1-4. He has always been a sort of mini-Travis when it comes to his FF consistency, finishing well each season but not quite at the top. Of course, last season threw that all out the window.

What went wrong? Well, mostly the problem was his schedule. Not his FF schedule…his ortho schedule. Kyle missed the draft, and after the computer drafted just about every shitty player in existence, he season was more or less sealed. While a lesser man would have bitched and moaned, Kyle rolled the karma dice and took it in the face for sixteen weeks, and this year attests that he will be able to draft his own team.

Kyle’s draft strategy (pre computer meltdown) has historically been of the go big or go home variety. Like Ryan Good, he will spend big and then piddle around for $1 players at the end of the draft. He will typically have a couple of proven stars and a larger roster of scrubs…some of which, of course, will rise to the occasion.

Assuming he drafts himself, history is on Kyle’s side. A playoff birth would have to be expected, and he is amongst the 6 teams with a winning record…even after Computer Buffalo Dung stunk it up.

Final Predictions based on nothing at all:

Likely Top 5 Playoff Teams (in no particular order)

Jason

Scott

Travis

Rob

Kyle

Fighting for the sixth spot

Drew

Kim

Will look like they have a chance but really were never contenders

Donel

Godin

Ryan Good

Bumped to the minor leagues mid-season

Peter

Ryan Davis

These predictions, again, are based on nothing but historical tendencies, which are meaningless with teams constantly recycling. It is worth nothing that I have no idea how Godin and Davis will do…I’m extrapolating data from when Kim joined the league to predict his season trajectory, and all expectations for Davis will be low until proven otherwise.

Now, for some real league business…

Customized Fantasy Football Schedule!

So, I was playing around with the League Manager tools on ESPN and found out I could do a variety of things that had been as of yet uncharted territory. I found out I could change everyone’s team names (which I did, for fun. I promise to stop abusing this power). I found I could edit free agent auction dollars (which will be saved for punishments) as well as rosters final scores (which I swear to never do). What I also found, however, is that I could make a custom schedule.

Since we off’d the idea of divisions (which might come back at some point, but for now are a moot point), I decided instead to create rivalry games.

Each of your schedules is handcrafted, with three separate Games of Great Importance.

Week 7: Friendly Rivalry

These represent what I consider a Michigan vs. Michigan State sort of rivalry. Sure, we these teams may hate each other sometimes, but in the end, both teams have a hometown Rick’s, so they’re more alike than different. Matchups include

Jason vs. Travis

Kyle vs. Donel

Rob vs. Scott

Godin vs. Peter

Kim vs. Ryan Good

Drew vs. Davis

(all of these games have a logic, but I’m not going to blow my wad early and let you all know them yet)

Week 10: Out of Conference Grudge Match

These games represent a Michigan vs. Notre Dame scenario. Storied programs who hate each other, but ultimately have bigger fish to fry. Match ups include

Kim vs. Donel

Peter vs. Davis

Jason vs. Kyle

Rob vs. Ryan Good

Drew vs. Godin

Travis vs. Scott

Week 13: Arch-Nemeses Forever

Your classic Michigan vs. OSU bloodbaths. Hopefully, these games will successfully have post-season implications.

Kim vs. Drew

Peter vs. Rob

Jason vs. Scott

Kyle vs. Travis

Godin vs. Donel

Ryan Good vs. Ryan Davis

I’ve been known to overuse the trophies in the past, but I’ll temper that use to keep a manageable trophy tally that only counts important things…such as rivalry games. I’ll keep y’all updated.

Something I Should Have Mentioned Before, But Forgot

Remember those fines from last year? I kept a record of them…if you’ve already paid your $50, that’s cool, we’ll let the fines simmer for awhile, but if not, here is the total you need to pay to Ryan Good…

Kyle: $74

Rob: $54

Jason: $52

Kim: $52

Scott: $52

Jon: $50

Davis: $50

Good: $50

Travis: $50

Drew: $50

Peter: $50

Donel: $40 (you won 10 buck for winning the consolation bracket. Woohoo!)

Ryan, if you get paypal working, let me know, I’ll get you that $4.

This will be the last WNQ you will get from me via email. The rest you’ll have to catch on the league website…or, if you miss one, at ichooseweswelker@blogspot.com