Rob's Rants, Week 7: Missed Deadlines, World Travel, and the Monkey in the Middle

Hey guys, what's happening? I'm doing well, thank you. What's that? Hoping for a WNQ last week? Well have I the story for you.

But not really. The reality of the situation is that I've been traveling since last Saturday and been kind of off the grid, despite being actively on the grid in the heart of Seattle. This, combined with the fact that I'm still tied to the antiquated idea of a desktop computer, has negatively affected my productivity. Luckily, I have an iPad and free airport wifi on my way from Seattle to Chicago for Groin Wolf's wedding.

By the way, wouldn't it be awesome/ridiculous if we used FF names to reference decidedly non-FF related events occurring in managers lives? "I can't wait to see Daughter of Diaper Money." "I partied in Vermont with the Trail of Tears." "I walked up the escalator and ran into The Bolshevik Revolution." I will now start trying to do this whenever possible.

I had originally planned to use this week to do a playoff chances breakdown, but that has proven difficult. We have four 2-4 teams and five 3-3 teams, not to mention the two 4-2 teams. We have no undefeated teams, and the cream of the crop so far, Peter, plays 4-2 Dane, which will either a) pull him back to the pack or, more likely, b) mark Dane's descent into the Monkey in the Middle, ie, the apocalyptic logjam of average teams that will continue to eat each other alive until only a few survive.

I'm going to save the brunt of my wordsmithing for next week, when I've, you know, got a computer and can look at my history logs and stat sheets. For now, a few thoughts...

While I'd prefer to forget a Week 5 that marked my defeat at the hands of Jewish Malificent, I would like to highlight the Kim/Scott game. Kim, a consensus worst 3-3 team, beat Scott, barely, 76.9 to 76.1. This one week after Scott converted a loss to a win once score checking had been completed by ESPN.com. Two games with the score deided by less than a point! Without fractional scores, those could have both been ties. Scott would be 1-3-2 and would have more ties than wins.
I've been trying to change my team name to somehow mock/oppose the team I am playing on any giving week, leading to such classic match ups as "Team Pausegate vs The Unpauser," and "Bolshevik Revolution vs Tsar Romanov." I struggled when facing the poorly named 'My Team,' presuming that the opposite of My Team was Your Team. Peter, however, correctly pointed out that the opposite of My Team (Travis) would actually be 'My Team' (Rob). This as genius. This led to a match up of My Team (2-3) with My Team (2-3), which, of course, led to a My Team victory. This week, in an ode to the league, I've decided to go with Ryda top, Drew bottom, which I figured would only be fitting on Drew's wedding weekend. My second choice w Undescended Ballers.
Is Jason's team suddenly competent? After an 0-4 start he has pulled out two impressive victories. I would hold off on this assessment. Jason is being carried, almost single-handedly by he KC defense. Last week they put up 26 points, which is really not atypical of their production this season. I am tempted, however, to believe that this level of productivity is unsustainable, and am not sure Jason can rise above. Without his defense, Jason scored 72 points last week.

The Case of Dane: while he is nowhere near as terrible as I assumed he would be, the cracks are beginning to show. As noted, Dane has a team more shallow than a bathtub. With players on bye, this becomes more apparent, forcing him to start players like B Powell from NYJ (whose first name I'm not sure of), and others. This will only worsen with the demise of Julio Jones. But hey, he got another 13.5 points from the bench for RG3! A great investment!

As mentioned, my goal is to avoid much prognosticating for the playoffs until next week. But I will say a few things. Believe it or not, I have the #2 scoring offense. I also have the #3 most PA, hence my 3-3 record. Peter has the unusual combo of most PF and least PA; here is an example of a good team that is also getting really, really lucky. Drew and Kim are both 3-3 with PF of 528 and 498, respectively. The 2-4 teams: Kyle (561), Scott (551), Travis (541), Jason (540). Either Kim/Drew start scoring more, or they won't be .500 for long.

I'll be back for more (much more) next week. Until then, I'll leave you with this link to what NFL logos would look like if all the teams were British:

http://daveartlocker.blogspot.com/2013/02/what-if-all-nfl-logos-were-british.html

Be prepared for monocles, top hats, and team names like "Stripey Wotsits."

Something Random

Week 5 WNQ is below. Scroll down if you want to see it. I stumbled upon something awesome, though.

Blogspot keeps track of how viewers get to your page. The majority of people come from the site itself (since that is what is embedded in the FF website).

I also get page views from google. This would be understandable. If you type in "Bob fantasy football WNQ" I'm like the first dozen hits. There's another site called "vampirestat.com"that is some sort of domain appraisal service. I'm not sure how I fit into this, but multiple people have found this website through that. Bizarre. I'm guessing it is all people trying to found Wes Welker fan sites.

Finally, I have one hit from the google search "funny fantasy lm notes." ('lm' being league manager, of course). I googled this and didn't find me in the first few pages and gave up. The google overlords, though, are officially tracking our league's progress, and will undoubtedly use this all against us at some point in the future.

WNQ 5: The Times They Are A Changing

Week 5 WNQ:

Name Crisis

I’m currently reevaluting my options for the name “Wednesday Night Quarterback.” I am displeased with this name for multiple reasons. Well, really, two reasons. First, it is a rip off of Tuesday Morning Quarterback, which is both better funded and better written. I don’t like inviting the comparison. Second, it never comes out on Wednesday, so it seems like a misnomer that must be corrected.

I’ve tried to come up with other ideas, but I’m currently stymied. If inspiration hits me, however, the name WNQ will be unceremoniously retired and replaced by whatever this bigger, better name is.

A Roundup of Things I Find Interesting

I’m over the days of trying to be equitable and give each team a moment in the spotlight. If you want a recap of each and every fantasy game, you can go to the scoreboard and peruse the facts. I’ve decided to focus, instead, on things I can judge more subjectively.

First, a scoring trend. Here is a list demonstrating the number of 100+ point games had during a given week.

Week 1: 6

Week 2: 4

Week 3: 2

Week 4: 7

It’s truly astonishing (and, perhaps, either a testament to manager play or the NFL itself) when over half the teams in the league score over 100 points.  This, unfortunately, also leads to some unlucky losers.

In the Russian Revolution Classic, the reds steamrolled the Romanovs’ and executed their entire family 133.9 to 110.1. With the third highest score of the week, I’m disappointed to suffer a loss, but pleased that my team isn’t entirely hopeless. Anastasia is still alive, I say! There is still hope for the Romanov Dynasty!

Also a victim of this curse: Scott Baker, losing 106.4 to 105.3 to Drew. Fun Fact: Scott hasn’t scored less than 94 points this entire season, but is the unproud honor of a 1-3 record. Only a run in with the resident bottom feeder prevented him from starting with an 0-4 record.

This is somewhat insane. Peter has done some numbers work (which I won’t get into…that’s for another day) that looks at the magic number of points that suggest a win, in our league, specifically, is 88. Scott has bested this number every week and has only one win to show for it.

I think part of this is because of the change in scoring, I postulated that the max possible rise in score (assuming every player ended up with an extra “0.9” at the end of a game would be 6.3 points (which would put a winning score to be more along the lines of 94 points – the TMR postulate). This would be true if, in fact, a QB only ever threw the football, and never rushed. Or if a RB never caught a pass.

In fact, with the possibility of multiple category overlap, this number explodes. Even if you assume that each player only has two categories (passing/rushing for each QB, rushing/receiving for WR/RB/TE), that still leads to a maximum increase in points of 12.6 each week. While this is an unlikely number to obtained, it would not be unreasonable to expect and average of 0.5 more points per week from each QB/RB/WR/TE in their designated main specialty, and perhaps a similar amount in rushing/receiving/whatever. The numbers then quickly spiral out of control. Think about it. If Michael Vick threw for 223 yards and rushed for 79 yards last year, he would end up with 15 points. This year, he would end up with 16.8. 1.8 more points!

Suffice to say, we are in for a scoring bonanza this year, and records will fall. Look at it this way: of the seven teams who scored over 100 points last week. At least two would have been under 100 without the fractional points added by their starters…and that’s not even including the other fractional points hidden within their stats!

Despite this, neither Kim nor Dane could manage to break 81 points. I would mock them more, but I have bigger fish to fry.

Jewish Malificent is Dead. Long Live Jewish Malificent

Jason is 0-4. You read that right. Is his season over? I’ve pondered this.

I have neither the time nor resources to scan the league for any 0-4 starts leading to a playoff appearance. I have to imagine that the occurrences area zero number. The chance of Jason rising from the ashes is not impossible, but it is looking quite poor.

First, let’s look at this objectively. Jason is the second lowest scoring team in the league (right ahead of Kim. Woohoo!). While he does have a pretty astronomical PA (441.3, second highest in the league), he is averaging about 27 points less than his opponent scores every week. The average Jason opponent is scoring 110 points each week, in the face of a mere 83 from Jason. However, saying Jason scores 83 points per game would be a boldfaced lie. Let’s look at the numbers...

Week 1: 108.8
Week 2: 88.9
Week 3: 66.7
Week 4: 67

Jason is not a hit or miss team; he’s a team in decline. I suppose you could say that, based on this data, Jason has settled into a steady state of 67 points per game, which, as his current opponent, suits me just fine.

Where did Jason go wrong? A few postulates.

1) Quarterback woes

Jason (along with Travis) was the victim of the great QB rush of the early draft. Jason likely (and rightfully) postulated that he would be stuck with no worse than Tony Romo, the 12^th back QB in the draft. He could not have anticipated, however, the fact that Dane would take both Aaron Rodgers and RG III, or that Donel would decide he wanted every midrange QB for his own. This left Jason with the dregs: this week Sam Bradford put up a weak 7.7 points for him. Both Bradford and Schaub (Jason’s other QB) are inconsistent QBs. They have the possibility of putting up the type of numbers every top 10 QB puts up on a weekly basis, but rarely much more. They also have the possibility of sucking.

2) Injuries

Steven Jackson’s thigh injury hurts the most, but lets not forget that the majority of Jason’s players are banged up and at risk for a meltdown

3) Lack of depth

Sure, there is Fred Jackson, Calvin Johnson, and (theoretically) MJD. But the rest of Jason’s team? Scrub RBs R’ Us (Jordan Todman? Daryl Richardson?),  Aaron Dobson (New England’s #12 WR), and a NYG TE (The Giants are the new Browns: do not start). There’s not much he has to fall back on, and in a busy league, there aren’t many players to pick up. Couple this with the Anti-Jason FAA laws, and its going to be a long, long season.

The worst overall part? Jason’s got the #1 D/ST in the league. What a waste! I’ll trade you another scrub RB for them.

Records and Shit

Congratulations to Kyle’s Tony Gonzalez: #2 TE with 26.9 points this week.

Has anyone noticed how TEs seem to be blowing up this year? Already we have three of the top ten performances by TEs in our league filled, and it’s week 4. This is not to mention both Donel and Ryan G having an additional play fall within one point of the top 10. It’s a TE renaissance…and there isn’t even Rob Gronkowski

Horrorscopes

Kyle: Bad luck will soon turn around. You’ve got all the pieces to a successful puzzle, they’ve just decided to underperform. Believe in LeSean McCoy and you shall be saved.

Scott: Make peace with those you have wronged, and appease the Shiva, or you shall be cursed forever. Your lucky color is Fuschia.

Ryan Good: You won’t get to play Jason every week, so aspire for more. Also, fear Native Americans. They hunt you while you sleep.

Rob: You will be rewarded for your struggles with a cupcake. His name is Jason.

Ryan Davis: A wise commissioner will always help you out with rules questions. A gift might go a long way. He likes whiskey.

Peter: World domination will soon be yours. Communism is the way of the future. Вы - хуже всего.

Donel: Second place? How did you get there? What devil are you worshipping? Can you have him call me?

Jason: Eventually, everybody loses. Even you. Avoid stock markets and busy streets. It’s your time.

Dane: The end is nigh. Repent.

Travis: I don’t care how many times you say it: Rob Gronkowski is not saving your season.

Drew: The universe does not understand your fantasy football name. Is it alone? Does anyone get the reference?

Kim: There’s always Fantasy Baseball, right?

And Now For Something Completely Different

Two videos and one sentence:

Sad Cat Diary

Sad Dog Diary

Remember "The Fox" video I showed you all? It just became a Top 10 hit. 

WNQ Week 4: Trades and Ennui

Commissioner’s Corner: Taste the Tears

This happens to me every year.

No, not losing, or looking mighty terrible. Those things also happen to me every year, but that’s inevitable. Even the best teams (even Travis, Season Two Edition) have their bad weeks. Perhaps not this bad, but still, it happens.

I’m talking about Loser’s Ennui. This happens to me every year when my team starts looking horrible. It’s not that I lose interest in my team, it’s that it becomes harder and harder to write WNQ.

I think it’s two parts depression and one part hypocrisy. As my energy level wanes from the sheer hopeless of my season (and you will know my hopelessness to be at 100% whenever I play any Denver RB), I begin thinking, “who cares if WNQ is on time. The end is nigh.” I also begin questioning whether or not I can find anything relevant to say, and if I have a leg to stand on when criticizing others because, lets face it, I’m bad. Not, like, Jason bad. But still not good.

My resolution to all of you is that I will not succumb to the Ennui of being a mediocre team struggling to make the 6^th playoff spot so I can lose to Scott or Drew in the first round. I shall persevere. Taste the Happy, people.

And suddenly, piercing through the dark clouds, a ray of hope: a Trade.

We have never been a trader’s league. I’m not sure what the reason for this is. I think we’re all naturally suspicious of each other, and all a little bit too bright to ever pull a fast one on anyone else. I’m fairly confident that my Season 1-4 trend of being the Trader of Doom also did not help make anyone confident in using the trade as a viable option to build a team. 

However, I do think we are primed this year for trading. I know, I say this every year and it never happens, but I’m serious. The reasons are multiple. First and foremost, a 12-man league means fewer available players, thus necessitating trades. This is not new for this year, but still needs to be mentioned. Second, our league has turned into a free-for-all. Traditional powerhouses WASPs Limited and Jews of Evil are sitting 0-3 and are in desperate need of some life. Finally, with the fact that every waiver wire transaction will necessitate a $1 expenditure, trading is the only real means of a “free” player.

Whether or not this will lead to more trades is yet to be seen. However, this week we have our first team to team transaction: Travis is trading off DeAngelo Williams and Giovani Bernard for Andrew Luck and Pierre Garcon.

Let’s analyze, shall we? This is a no-brainer for Travis. Andrew Luck is performing well and while certainly not a sure thing Top-10 QB, he’s leagues better than the Has Been Gingers Travis has been relying upon.  Pierre Garcon is a monster and will likely be a strong, consistent WR for Travis to rely upon.

I would say Donel had the worst end of the trade, but just take a look at this team. Donel played the, like, 8^th string Seattle RB last week because the only other RBs on his team were DeMarco Murray and an injured Ray Rice. Donel’s RB situation is dire. While I don’t personally like DeAngelo Williams (see for reference: every year ever), I think Giovani Bernard has been playing well and might end up being a great RB. This trade seems like a win-win for the teams involved, but a lose-lose to all those teams like me hoping Travis finished 0-13.

And the performer of the week is…Jordan Cameron

WTF? #4 TE performance in our league ever. Who is this guy?

And now a video for your viewing pleasure…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_NmwtttzA8

Thanks to Scott for this one…I think this sums up most of our attitudes around the league.

Sad Week 4 Power Rankings

I refuse to rank anyone this week, because all and all we were a pretty disappointing bunch. We had one team over 100 points, two of our league's top franchises drop to 0-3, and Peter won a game with 74.7 points (add that to your "luck" index).  A few thoughts:

Drew and Dane really did play the game of the week with their nailbiter. Neither team looked very overall-good (Drew had two players under 1 point), but both have a number of playmakers able to get the job done. I maintain that Dane is itching for implosion with his lack of depth, but the Burleson injury can only have helped his WR corp...

Jason's maximum predicted score this week: 79. Officially the worst team?

WNQ Week 3: The Fall of Travis, Dane Stands Alone, and Other Stories

Oh, woe is me.

I know what you’re saying. “Woe my ass, 2-0 punk ass bitch.” It’s true. What do I really have to complain about? Despite an underwhelming Week 2 (more on that later), I’ve for the luxury of being 2-0, which, in our unpredictable, topsy-turvy league, is nothing to complain about. But I will complain, and I will woe. Because my RB1 just got traded.

I ask the lot of you to tell me: do you remember a time when such a high profile fantasy player was traded midseason? I certainly cannot. I’m not even sure I was entirely aware that trades happened during the season itself.  There’s actually a 2008 ESPN article about the lack of NFL trades that itself asks the question as to why more do not occur. In case you are wondering, the article doesn’t answer the question.

So what is a fantasy owner to do? I’ll admit, Trent Richardson as a Colt is 1000x better than Trent Richardson as a Brown. I was already violating my own rule of Never-Start-Cleveland-Offensive-Players-Ever by drafting him, and he has constantly been giving me headaches due to his underperformance. While he might end up just not being that great, he’s much greater in Indianapolis than in Cleveland. The question that vexes me, however, is more immediate: will he be greater this week? On three days notice?

Sigh. Woe is me.

Quick Takeaways: Week 2

Rob (84.1) vs Kyle (62.9)

As I said before, you can’t complain about 2-0, even when the winning team (me) has only the 9^th highest score of the week. Credit Matt Ryan’s 23 points for me with helping…except if you reduced that number to “3” I would have still won. The real credit for this goes to Kyle, who manages anemic contributions across the board, including a fantastic -1 from his kicker. Now that’s a record.

Ryan/B (114.2) vs Scott (94)

Another week, another pretty decent performance by Scott that ends in a loss. I haven’t been shy in my opinions of his RBs, and while Lamar Miller played “better” (he didn’t have much room to get worse), David Wilson laid a big old egg labeled “1.7,” and Reggie Bush came back to earth. The biggest problem is that Scott doesn’t have much else on his bench, RB wise, that could help him, either…unless you’re in love with Chris Ivory. He does have three tight ends, though! Because that’s what every team needs.

Peter (111) vs Ryan/A (78.9)

I’m beginning to question whether my Ryan/A and /B categorization switch last year was premature. Ryan/B is coming off of a rebound win after his disastrous week of honeymoon ennui, while Ryan/A looks pretty abysmal. Red Ryan has four RBs on his roster. On the positive side, two of these players are Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster, both of whom are playing good not amazing. On the negative side, he’s got them backed up with LeVeon Bell and Mikel Leshoure, who combined for a stellar zero points last week. Ryan/A is one ACL tear away from total collapse. Things are looking ugly in Gingerville. Peter continues to impress, though I still hate him.

Dane (114.8) vs. Jewish Malificent  (88.9)

I maintain that Dane’s team is unbalanced, top heavy, and will be subject to total collapse if any of his key starters suffer the big one. I’m not positive what ‘the big one’ refers to in this analogy, but I’m going to go with “Peyton-Manning-level-C-spine-injury.” That being said, he is playing pretty darn well with what he has. Aaron Rodgers continues to put both A and a in Amazing. I must point out (and will continue to point out) that RGIII continues to be the most expensive unnecessary backup ever. Jason, meanwhile, has built a team on the back of a couple of WRs and a sea of marginal QBs. In an odd twist of fate, his bench outscored his team by 0.1 points this week.

Kim (108.1) vs. WASPs (91.7)

What wrath have I brought to the House of Langley? A mere two weeks after predicting this to be the Worst Season Ever for our Gentleman of Southern Society™, he is 0-2 and just suffered a loss to Kim—perhaps the biggest indignity imaginable.  It’s not that his team is awful, it is simply…disappointing. Where to start? Is it the use of Carson Palmer vs. Andy Dalton as a QB1 (paging Dr. Langley, RGIII paging Dr. Langley on line Trade-Me)? The lineup of consistently underachieving RBs (tell me any of you love Matt Forte and Chris Johnson. I dare you)? Or the young RBs fighting for playing time? Travis: you may say that things will look up when Le Gronk returns, but I’m not so sure. Footnote: Kim, damn. Three players under 1 point and you still manage 108 points? With three bench players with 9 or more points (non-QB). Damn.

Donel (92.5) vs Drew (terrible)

From Week 1 to Week 2, Drew somehow managed to hemorrhage 40 points from his total score, and suddenly looks like the worst team in the league. To the chalkboard! Let us analyze zee data!

To start off, Drew had the unfortunate luck of having his players generally underachieve (it happens to the best of us, buddy). Drew Brees was down 8 points from 20.5 last week, and his kicker manage a mighty zero points. But there are some deeper problems. First, Drew’s RBs have simply been underperforming. I don’t imagine Alfred Morris will continue to be this…mediocre, but he’s not looking as l33t as he was last year. In regard to the other options Drew is facing, I don’t think many people get jazzed bout Ryan Mathews, Mark Ingram, Danny Woodhead, or (shudder) Donald Brown. Last week Drew coasted on his WRs, but as we all know, WRs are not to be trusted, and in a down week he suffered. As a sidenote, his tight ends suck balls. Congrats to Donel for a bit of a rebound week, but let’s not get too excited: five out of the seven people on Donel’s bench would have been better choices for starter than the men he fielded. While this can’t be considered his fault (I wouldn’t start Luck over Brady), it bodes ill if this trend continues.

Don’t Cry For Me, Scott and Jason (The Truth is, I Never Left You)

We are currently sitting in a very well-distributed league. We have four undefeated team, four winless teams, and four who have split. This will end this week, as no undefeated teams play each other, but all of the bottom feeders find themselves in a face off to ascend from last place.

I have some thoughts on these loser teams, and it’s not all negative: I believe Jason and Scott are, at this point, ultimately fine.

Now, I realize 0-2 is never a spot where anyone wants to be. However, lets look at the PF, which is a better indicator of how good a team will be in the long run than a early season record. Both Scott and Jason are averaging above the coveted 94 points per game threshold that predicts a 95% chance of a postseason berth. Combined with the undefeateds (myself, Donel, Dane, and Peter) and Kyle, only seve teams are currently above this marker, and thus look to be the, theoretically, strongest teams in the league. Jason and Scott have had 239.5 and 231.3 points scored against them, respectively, and it is unreasonable to assume such numbers will continue (though not impossible. See: every season Peter played from 2008-2011). As things average out, they should rise to the top.

Who should worry? I worry about Drew, because he has the league’s worst PF. I’m willing to chalk this up to aberrant data from a small sample size, and give him a pass for now. My biggest concerns beyond that, then, are Team WASP, and Ryan/A.

Let’s be frank. Both Travis and Ryan Davis have had a ton of points scored against them (with Ryan/A leading the way with 256.9 PA). However, unlike their counterparts in the Losers’ Sweepstakes, they haven’t proved they’d be able to put up the points to match just about anyone. Their offenses have been surprisingly anemic, and in the absence of a quick turn around, they are threatening to be the worst teams in the league. Luckily, one of them will manage a win this week, as they play each other in the Worst Game of the Week.

Power Rankings: Week 2

1) Peter Emiley (Last week: 1)

FML. Peter has 268 PF, 50 more than his closest competitor. After his monstrous Week 1, he comes back with a Week 2 performance that screams, “I ain’t no joke. Respect me.” His front seven are so damn good that even a 3 from Frank Gore barely affects him. I’m baffled, because I hate most of Peter’s players, but as of right now he is getting results and will not be ignored.

2) Humble Pie (Last week: Unranked)

A few things for me to regret: ranking Kyle #2 last week (and so the descent begins!), praising the Philadelphia offense (I hate them all) and the NE second-stringers (I hate them all). Also, disrespecting Dane, but I won’t take that back. I will persevere!

3) Dane’s team logo (Last week: Unranked)

Because it’s amazing. Runner up: Jason’s.

4) Comebacks (Last week: Unranked)

From the dregs of society last week to the penthouse this week, Ryan Good and Kim have proven they won’t just roll over and die already. The season is early, and both of them could make playoffs pushes. Ryan/B is a notoriously every-other-year team, and this is designated to be one of his hotspots. Kim has been steadily improving over the course of the past two seasons. Can she capitalize?

5) Underachieving (Last week: Unranked)

Thanks for the win, Kyle. Next time we play it’ll be my turn for the meltdown

6) Our living FAA Experiment

With the Jason Rule now officially in effect, I am very, very interested to see what becomes of the FAA and how players choose to spend their money. We haven’t had a ton of action until this week, but suddenly everyone is going for it. Peter leads the list with $26 for James Starks, just the worst RB ever. I feel like James Starks is picked up for $25-80 every year when the qualified RB in front of him gets injured, then shows exactly why he’s a backup. Usually to the tune of 2 yards on forty carries. With eight fumbles.

Ryan/B picks up Eddie Royal for $22 (just two more than the next highest offer, good job to you sir), who has no chance of continuing to catch TDs at his current prolific rate and is destined to be a disappointment. The bizarrely named Groin Wolf adds some TE I’ve never head of for $7, while Scott makes the half-wise (new potential starting RB yea) half-stupid (he’s terrible) decision to pick up Willis McGahee. And as further signs of the apocalypse, Travis picks up Alex Smith for his QB.

I am wondering if anyone will hit that critical $0 during the season and thus prevent themselves from obtaining players. Under the right circumstances (a bye week or injury), this could be a total disaster…or it might be a nonissue. It has certainly changed spending. We have yet to see the rise of Makin’ It Rain Jason, which by this point last year had spent $84 on players he would never use.  This week he spent $3. Congrats, owners, you’ve officially ruined Jason’s life.

7) Score bumps

Peter and I discussed this via text message this week. While scores seem to be up quite a bit this season (thus far…though it always seems like the beginning of the season is more explosive), after some very simple reasoning, we realized the fractional points have nothing to do with it.

Think about it; there are only seven active players that have fractional points. In the max situation, each would get an extra 0.9 points with fractional scoring, equaling just 6.3 points. An average sum would seem to be a rise of 3.5 points (or 0.5 per player).

While seemingly insignificant week to week, this might potentially play havoc on our highest point seasons. A 6.3 point addition per week would equal 81.9 points total, a significant jump. Even just 3.5 per week would lead to 45.5 points. We might be entering a new renaissance, similar to our Year One fiasco of the 6 point QB TDs.

8) Michigan Football (Last Week: 4)

Last weekend notwithstanding, of course. For any of you who will be in the Michigan area during Thanksgiving, Lori and I will be heading up there for some Ohio State madness. I can’t promise we’ll be shelling out the kidney required to get tickets, but copious beer pong and tailgating will occur. I hope some of you will be around.

9) and 10) A General Sense of Ennui

My internet is broken and I’m running out of things to talk about. Let’s just call it a week, shall we? It is already Thursday night, after all.

Records

After a record-breaking Week 1, we’ve got just one record this week: Jimmy Graham’s 23.9 TE points for Ryan/B puts him at #6 on the TE All Time Chart. This also bumps Vernon Davis’ Week 1 performance for Donel from the list. Better luck next time.

Next Week: Rob gets ATT Uverse (hopefully) and regains the use of the internet. 

WNQ Week 2: Peter Emiley Rises

And It All Comes Crashing Back Down To Reality

I mentioned last week how the possibilities really do seem infinite before the first week of NFL football. No matter who was drafted, how much a manager prepared (or didn’t prepare), no matter how much shit talking occurred between the draft and the first games, every owner could convince him/herself that the right decisions had been made.

It’s a bit like having a child (or so I imagine). When your team is first drafted, fresh and glistening with vernix, it is perfect. It’s never talked back, insulted you, or failed to live up to your expectations. In this analogy, Week 1 represents the terrible 2s. Suddenly, that perfect child has learned the very human attributes of selfishness, self-centeredness, and unquenchable rage. The happy, sleepy baby has given way to a hungry, angsty monster, who would very much like a piece of chocolate right now before it freaks out in the middle of the supermarket.

Strangely enough, I would dare say that things did not go as planned during Week 1. Oh sure, Drew dispatched another victim in his annual quest to have the best regular season record. But after that, we saw the return of Scott Baker (sort of), an undefeated Dane, the fall of Jewish Malificent, and the 140+ point rises of Kyle (Exclamation Point!) and Peter (Interrobang?!). I have much to say about this, so lets do this.

Power Rankings: Week 1

1) Peter Emiley

Really? This guy is in first?

I’m not even going to bother talking about Kim, because she was never really in contention for this game, and if you take out Anquan Boldin’s 26.8 points, she was positively wretched all around. Let’s talk about Peter.

158.2 points. That’s the most Peter has ever had (outside of the inflated Year 1 scores) and after many years of drowning in FF ineptitude, he has finally emerged on the other side of the tunnel (for now). With four players posting scores of 20+, it would be hard for him to not win, but he actually only had a single person who scored less than ten points (Montee Ball looks like quite the poor pickup as of this moment, doesn’t he?). Dios mio, Peter. What happened to being unlucky*?

After a consensus good draft, Peter comes out of the gate with a roar. I understand that it is hard to take too much information out of one week of data (remember, Godin started 2-0 last year en route to his cosmic flameout), but Peter earns the top spot in the power rankings this week. Goodbye Bad Karma Peter, Hello Lenin.

*I had a conversation with Peter recently about how unlucky he has been in FF. This includes years of losing, as well as one game where his team put up 27 points (no joke. Look it up.). I’ve been saying for a couple of season that he has had such dreadful luck for so long that it would be impossible for him to sustain it, and at some point his teams would have to get better. This isn’t your standard, “oh, my kicker missed and I lost the game,” or “I forgot to play a defense” type of bad luck. This is, “I got four primary cancers at once bad luck, then got hit by two buses at once. While walking to my wife’s funeral. Also, both of the buses were driven by my children who had to watch me die, slowly.”

2) Kyle Bohm

It seems odd to put a manager who scored 145.9 points against one of last year’s best teams in the second spot, which is a testament to how well Peter did. What a difference a year (and being able to make it to the entire draft) makes, eh?

Peter and I had a lengthy text message discussion about how it was “ridiculous” that I categorized certain QBs (Kaepernick in particular) as QB1s despite less than one full season of data. In my defense, I made it very clear I was only using the ESPN projected point totals to make my decisions. Also in y defense, see Week 1, 49ers over GB, 34-28.

While I’m sure Kyle is smarting from his Packers’ defeat, he can take solace in not only Kaepernick, but the dominance of AJ Green. Is he a possible #1 overall WR? Maybe yes, maybe no, but Kyle is getting his moneys worth. Add in Larry Fitzgerald (20 points) and his WR 3 on the bench (Brian Hartline, 17.4), not to mension a variety of other very usuable WR options, and I think he has the deepest WR corp in our league. And LeSean McCoy, well, that gets me to my next point…

3) Michigan 41, Notre Dame 30 – (And I Didn’t Even Get To Watch)

Sorry, Notre Dame fans, just because you keep losing doesn’t make it not a rivalry.

I’d make fun of Ryan Davis, following the return to natural order where Michigan dominated Notre Dame, but it’s almost too easy at this point. Now that Michigan and Notre Dame will not be playing each other annually (solely because of selfish, misguided political reasons) so that Notre Dame can keep up their thrilling rivalry with Purdue, I’m glad Michigan showed them a proper exit.

The resident on Ultrasound this week is a Notre Dame alum (I know you can’t hear me saying the school name in my head, but when I talk about Notre Dame negatively, I always use the French pronunciation, which makes them sound more like sissies), as is my next-door neighbor. They’ve been talking trash for weeks.  I couldn’t be more thrilled with this outcome.

Ironically, I missed most of the game (including Devin Gardner’s epic TAINT) because I was the ringside physician for a local MMA event. While it was fun, it probably sounds a little bit cooler than it is.

This was not UFC; it’s like one of the amateur leagues that feeds some fighters into the pros. There were ten fights and only three of them were (to use the nonsensical term the announcer used) “pro amateurs.” The other seven were hilarious.

I’ve never been the type of guy who thought to myself, “you know what would be fun? Doing an MMA fight in front of 500 people will little to no forethought.” I didn’t know there were such people until Saturday. Of the 14 “amateur amateurs,” two of them didn’t have the endurance to actually fight, and more or less laid around on the ground the whole time hoping to get knocked out. One of them was about 5’ 10” and 130 pounds; tell me that doesn’t scream fighter. Another one was wearing purple and pink sparkly nail polish.

Even better than the fighters were their ringside assistants. I’m not sure exactly how (or why) someone gets into the business of amateur MMA, but the ringside coaches/assistants/managers/sweat jockeys were hilarious. Some of the fighters had huge entourages in matching clothes, with big flags that said things like “The Jungle MMA,” or “America for Fighting.” These managers were all forty-year old men living up their old glories by helping kid gets the shit beat out of them. They also all still had mohawks.

For all the less organized fighters, it was like a big-budget, awards-contender boxing movie. This one Puerto Rican kid had two managers; a scrawny blond kid wearing a green Celtics jersey, and a fratty kid with two popped polos and a baseball cap with the sticker still on. How did these three people find each other? What are the motivations of support this fighter who is now and will probably never make any money from this?

Watching these hilarious (and only mildly dangerous) fights prevented me from seeing the game until about 0.4 seconds before Notre Dame ended the game by throwing an interception. I had been following on my phone beforehand, which is probably the most frustrating way to “watch” football. I’ve since devoured the recaps, and wanted to get in one final “See you losers,” before they’re gone forever.

Also, this happened. FTW.

4) The Philadelphia Eagles Offense

Did you see that fucking game? Chip Kelly looks like a maniac and I love it. The Eagle ran like 33 plays in 3 minutes (or some other ridiculous stat like that) and just bulldozed over the Redskins in the first half. Ultimately, they got a little bit gassed and were less productive in the second half, but shit, those players are legit, and will only get better as they get used to the system. Case in point:

LeSean McCoy (Kyle) 24.9 points

Michael Vick (Ryan/B’s bench) 25.5 points

DeSean Jackson (Donel) 16.4 points

Brent Celek (Jewish Bench) 11.6 points

There are going to be some big numbers out of these guys, mark my words. Also, fun fact: everyone who started an Eagles player won this week (Kyle, Donel), and everyone who had one but did not start them (Ryan/B, Jason, Scott) lost. Go Eagles.

5) Quiet Consistency

Both Donel and I put up big numbers this week (124.7 and 117.1 points, respectively), all without anyone blowing up. My top scorer of the week failed to break 20 (Matt Ryan, 19.4),  while Donel had just one player over 17, Vernon Davis at 21.8. This could, in certain circumstances, spell doom. However, both of us had the benefit of calm, good performances from the majority of our players. Neither Donel nor I had any true stinkers (Trent Richardson’s 7.7 wasn’t what I wanted, but wasn’t a disaster, either), and generally have all of our players perform at or above expectations.

TMR says that, in a standard 10 team league, you need about 94 points per week to make the playoffs, based on the data from standard ESPN leagues. With 12 teams, that number will be different (though I’m not sure how different. I presume lower because of the distribution of players, but then I worry it might be higher due to more teams contending to playoff spots), but I think it’s a good marker. Generally speaking, 94 points per week will get teams to eight wins, on average, and 95% of teams with eight wins make the playoffs.

We might not be flashy, but watch out. Eight wins here we come.

6) Peyton Manning minus the rest of Scott’s team

Holy seven TDs, Batman.  Peyton Manning’s 46.3 points is enough for second place on the all time top scoring QB list and third place overall. The only QB above him? Michael Vick’s 49 points for Scott in Season 4. What a dominating performance. After watching this game I said to myself, “Game Over.”

I know that a fantasy owner can’t meltdown, per say, given that it’s not his fault the players who have no idea they are involved in his life occasionally lay an egg. However, I’d be hard pressed to say I wasn’t ultimately surprised, nay, shocked at the outcome of this game.

As you may recall, I was not big on Scott’s draft choices. I specifically pointed out his RBs as quite the disastrous mess, and I predicted they would potentially be his downfall down the line. And while I (temporarily) stand corrected by Reggie “Screwing Fantasy Football Managers For Life” Bush, I feel fairly vindicated by the other four RBs on Scott’s roster. Those four men combined for a total of 2.9 points last week. His starting line up managed  -1.1. You can only imagine how thrilled I was to watch as David Wilson, Scott’s last player and only hope to beat me, fumbled twice and was benched.

Expect Peyton’s manager to start calling Scott and requesting a trade in the near future. He paid too much money for his robot C-spine to spend much time on Scott’s squad.

7) Ryan Good’s honeymoon

Because it likely saved him from having to watch how terrible his team is.

8) Dane’s only win all year

Now, I might be exaggerating a bit. I still maintain Dane’s team is terrible, but less us give credit where credit is due. I don’t care what anyone says about my team if they win, and right now, Dane’s undefeated. Sure, it’s against Ryan, but whatever. Let’s look at the positives:

Aaron Rodgers continues to be outstanding. Owen Daniels, one of my all time favorite TEs, might be having a return to form, and put up 18.7 points.

Since this is a positive portion of the column, I’ll ignore the piss poor performance of CJ Spiller, the absolute absence of any WR worth squat besides Julio Jones, the wasted money that is RG III on the bench (who didn’t even play that well), the league low bench score of 24.5, and the fact that he has managed to have two players on his roster who are suspended.

So all in all, great job!

9) New England Second Stringers

We all knew Tom Brady would be fine. I don’t think there was ever much fear that he would continue to be a top fantasy threat, even with new receivers. The FF analysts were riding high on Stevan Ridley, too, and we all know Danny Amendola was billed as the next big thing. Oh, and Gronk will be back soon, too.

I’m not faulting people for paying big money on those four guys. What I’m saying is anyone who got 15.9 points out of Shane Vereen*, picked up Julian Edelman off the waiver wire only to watch him become a 20 point monster, or watched Kenbrell Thompkins get targeted 14 times (though his hands might be suspect) must be excited. Oh wait, I own all those players. Fuck you guys.

*Of course, Shane Vereen had to go and break his wrist and require surgery. That now puts me at two arm injures  by the end of Week 1: Vereen and Andre Brown, who I hear will return at some point in Week 10. This is likely my response to Peter’s vicegrip on LE injuries. Hide your wrists and forearms, Matt Ryan. I’m coming for you.

10) Ryan Davis’s team name

Russell Wilson’s War! Get it? It’s clever! I swear! Doesn’t anyone else get it but me…?

A Conundrum: The Poor Attending

As you (likely) all know, as an US Fellow, I’m technically an attending. When I work in the emergency department, I oversee residents like any of your attending physicians do. This translates to me spending less time with patients and more time shaping/berating young minds to be more like me. It’s pretty fun, and I recommend you all try it.

However, I’ve recently begun to notice that I fall into a small segment of the “staff physician” world that I never knew existed: The Poor Attending.

As an “attending” physician (I use quotations because I’m really only half an attending, but for hospital administrative purposes, I’m the real deal), I get a different badge than the residents (gone are the “Resident” modifiers used to shame residents into submission), more free food, and, importantly, the ability to park in the Physicians’ Parking Lot.

This is kind of a big deal. The resident parking lot is the sixth floor of a parking structure that is across a busy street and the entirety of the hospital from the emergency department. There are also so many residents that, occasionally, this fills up, necessitating parking on the ninth floor. The options to get out of the parking structure are a) a nine-story stair commute or b) an elevator ride in an elevator that takes about five minutes to arrive once called and is invariably 200 degrees Celsius. Also, every fifth time you park in the lot, the Parking Lot Nazis drive up in their golf cart and demand to see your credentials that allow you the privilege of parking within ten blocks of the hospital.

The Physician lot is a floor-level structure with cool indoor parking, located a brisk one-minute walk from the ED, with both the cafeteria and a Starbucks directly in between. It is just about the best thing to happen to humanity in Orlando since hurricane insurance.

I was recently walking through the Physician Lot, however, and came about a realization: I drive the cheapest, rattiest vehicle in the entire area. It’s like wall-to-wall BMWs in there, with a loyal section of Lexus owners and the occasional family practice doc slumming it in an Audi. Not only am I still driving Ford F-150, but she still has the scars from Rob vs. Parking Garage, Ryan Good vs. Truck Turning Radius, Carissa vs. Competent Driving, and Rob vs. The Distracted Teenager. I’ve got the cheapest vehicle by a factor of $10,000, or more. For reference, my direct superior, the US Director, alternates between a BMW SUV and a BMW Convertible.

I’ve witnessed people judge me when they walk by. They stare of my truck and wonder, “who let this poor person in here?” I’ve never felt so trashy. I never though I’d be one of those people who had to buy a new vehicle when they got a new job, but it might happen. I wonder if BMW makes pickups…

Throwback: Ladies’ Bible Study

I was recently reading an article that made me suddenly nostalgiac for medical school. You’d think it would have to do with, I don’t know, the medical school, one of our classmates, Michigan football, or drinking. But no, it was nothing more than a t-shirt I saw online.

You too can make God proud as a Female Spambot.

I hope I am not the only one who remembers the epic September 2006 email storm that momentarily crashed all of our umich email accounts. Now, many of you know that I love a good email storm more than just about anything (don’t tell my wife), so this is right up my alley. But to this day, when I think of Ladies’ Bible Study, a smile forms on my face and my heart swells to three times too large. It’s that perfect. I’d consider buying the shirt if it wasn’t so damn bizarre without context.

For those of you who don’t remember it, or want to see a collection of the most bizarre emails taken from the chain, I’ve got a link. I promise you will both laugh and cry.

Dialectic Maps

Okay, so I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a less interesting term than “dialectic maps,” but bear with me.

Recently, a grad student at NC State made a project for his Ph.D. that mapped out the differences in how Americans pronounce certain words or use variable terms to refer to the same thing. The most instantly recognizable discrepancy has to be the “soda vs. pop vs. coke” issue that has divided the nation for years. This project polled tons of people from different locations on over a hundred of such topics and made these interesting maps. As I mentioned, there’s a ton of them, but one in particular stood out to me.

Niels: WTF?

I hope you can read that with the small font. Apparently, a large enough group in the Alabama-Mississippi have a distinct term for when rain falls when the sun is shining. They say, The Devil is beating his wife.” I immediately saw this and loved America.

There’s all sorts of amazing stuff here, and I highly recommend looking into it. I particularly like this one because “sunshowers” (the term Floridians use for this) are essentially the number two weather phenomena in the state of Florida, with number one of course being “Crippling Heat with 1000% Humidity.” I was recently out and about and got caught in one myself…

Curse you, The Devil.

I asked Niels and he says he doesn’t use the term. If any of you know anyone who does, please let me know. Finding a user of this term has become the new goal of my life.

And Now, One Random Video

I texted Peter the link to this video, and he immediately responded, “Did you just send me a virus via YouTube?” I sent it to another friend of mine who said, “Is this a trick? I’m not clicking on it.”

While I guess it’s good that everyone I know is vigilant against cybercrimes, I’m sad that I can no longer send out links via text message without people being suspicious.

This video is amazing and I refuse to give anything away by talking about it more. Here’s some praise from others:

“Alright you win. That video was perfect.” – Peter Emiley, M.D.

“Wow. Those guys do a significant amount of drugs. That was amazing.” – Dan Bentley, M.D.

“It is not an exaggeration to say that that video changed my life.” – Justin Zumsteg, M.D.

“The next Gangnam Style” – some random commenter on YouTube.

(If you think I’m making up those quotes, I’m not. It’s that good.)

Now For Some Other Fantasy Football Stuff

As mentioned previously, Peyton Manning now moves into the #2 QB/#3 Overall spot. One other record has been broken…kind of.

Donel’s Vernon Davis moves into sole possession of #10 TE with 21.8 points. I say kind of because, well, these fractional points are fucking with everything. There was a four way tie in tenth with 21 points, and now those are all technically erased…though any one of them could have had 21.8 points that we would never know about. I’m going to keep all player totals before the scoring change as full numbers; all other scores will have a trailing zero to signify if they in fact scored 20.0 points, as opposed of the nebulous “20” of days old.

Finally, Peter’s score of 158.2, while not his best overall score, it is the sixth best of all time, and the second best of the modern era. Only Travis (159 points, Season 2) has ever done better without inflated QB and D/ST scoring.

While not quite good enough for the all time best list, Kyle officially notches his best score ever this week with 145.9 points.

Next Week, on WNQ

Probably less meandering stories that have nothing to do with fantasy football. The return of the power rankings. My continued shock about how terrible Ryan Good was this week.