Tuesday morning, 10/12/10, 0800
Location: Mile High Club Team Headquarters
Peter strolled into the dimly lit headquarters of his football team. The receptionist greeted him. "Oh, and sir," she said, reaching under her desk. "A couple of things came for you."
First was a bouquet of a dozen golden roses; Peter thought they smelled like success. "We are very sorry for your loss. May our awesomeness somehow rub off on you through these priceless roses. Sincerely, Team Buffalo."
That was nice of him, Peter thought. He wasn't one to buy into voodoo on a normal basis, but had been thinking that he was going to need all the help he could get.
"That's not all," said the receptionist, reaching under her desk once more. She lifted up a gigantic edible arrangement covered in chocolate covered pineapples, freshly cut strawberries, and oxidized banana slices. "It's from Rob."
Uh oh. Peter opened the card, which was quite wordy, as Rob tended to be. "Hey Pete, congratulations on your terrible defeat! I just heard from the Board of Directors and they offered me a job as your replacement, but I told them to go fuck themselves. Not because I wouldn't enjoy wallowing in your shame, but because I don't like signing up to captain the Titanic. But hey, on the plus side, I'm looking for a new special teams coach! You interested? Love, Rob."
"You also got this telegram," the receptionist said, before Peter could respond with unending profanity to Rob's card.
"Peter: thanks for making my team look good. Your friend, Ryan Good." Peter's heart sank. He realized he had hit rock bottom.
"Anything else?" The receptionist shook her head. "Thanks, receptionist," he said. He took a step to his office, then paused. "Why is this place to dimly lit today anyway?"
"Well," the receptionist began, "I think there are a few reasons. First and foremost, no one comes to watch our games because it's embarrassing to see Donovan McNabb cry up close. Second, we've been under a lot of fire since publicity tried to get people into games by offering a free John Kuhnskin cap for each of the first 1000 ticket buyers. Third, I hear the board is trying to save money to hire your replacement." She cleared her throat. "Also, I'm not your receptionist. I'm your wife. Remember? You had to let your receptionist go because this team makes no money and everyone hates it."
"Oh, right," Peter said. "That all makes a lot of sense. Thanks, honey."
Peter walked into his office and hit the light switch; the ceiling light went from off to dim. There was a letter sitting on his desk.
September 12, 2008
By Hand Delivery and Federal Express
Dear Peter:
Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.
However, you continue to make public statements that are critical of the organization, its players as a whole as well as individual players. Such statements constitute conduct detrimental to the Mile High Club and I will no longer stand silently by while you continue to hurt this organization.
Further, your contract is quite clear that you work “subject to the direction and supervision of the General Partner’’ and that the General Partner has the “exclusive right to do all things, which in its sole discretion are necessary to maintain and improve the Club, the football organization and their activities.’’
I realized when I hired you that you were young and inexperienced and that there would be a learning process for you. Your mistakes on player personnel (Correll Buckhalter?! Really?) and coaches (Saints D/ST?! Really??) were overlooked based on our patience with you. But I never dreamt that you would be so awful in all aspects of the game. Your actions are those of a coach looking to make excuses for not winning, rather than a coach focused on winning.
For example, with the exception of Rob Bironas (who we all knew would be good and you paid no money for), you were involved in drafting all players and determining salaries for them and you were explicit in your desire to sign such studs as John Kuhn, Kenneth Darby (whose name I had to look up because I don't even know who he is) and Greg Olsen amongst others. All were a must to sign in your eyes, Kuhn in particular, because you had heard Jason was going to pick him up, as he does for all available players who have ever once touched a football during a game. Do not run from that now.
I do realize that you did not want to draft Joe Flacco. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team! Stop trading away our only good players for Dez Bryant, asshole.
In regards to your recent fabrications about the defense, during the final cuts you made every cut on offense and every cut on defense. Further more, during the games on Sunday Kyle lit you up we got killed by the most amount a points any fantasy team in our league has ever lost by.
This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, ie, don't stop sucking it up like no other suck has ever sucked, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.
By: (Al Davis signature)
Location: Mile High Club Team Headquarters
Peter strolled into the dimly lit headquarters of his football team. The receptionist greeted him. "Oh, and sir," she said, reaching under her desk. "A couple of things came for you."
First was a bouquet of a dozen golden roses; Peter thought they smelled like success. "We are very sorry for your loss. May our awesomeness somehow rub off on you through these priceless roses. Sincerely, Team Buffalo."
That was nice of him, Peter thought. He wasn't one to buy into voodoo on a normal basis, but had been thinking that he was going to need all the help he could get.
"That's not all," said the receptionist, reaching under her desk once more. She lifted up a gigantic edible arrangement covered in chocolate covered pineapples, freshly cut strawberries, and oxidized banana slices. "It's from Rob."
Uh oh. Peter opened the card, which was quite wordy, as Rob tended to be. "Hey Pete, congratulations on your terrible defeat! I just heard from the Board of Directors and they offered me a job as your replacement, but I told them to go fuck themselves. Not because I wouldn't enjoy wallowing in your shame, but because I don't like signing up to captain the Titanic. But hey, on the plus side, I'm looking for a new special teams coach! You interested? Love, Rob."
"You also got this telegram," the receptionist said, before Peter could respond with unending profanity to Rob's card.
"Peter: thanks for making my team look good. Your friend, Ryan Good." Peter's heart sank. He realized he had hit rock bottom.
"Anything else?" The receptionist shook her head. "Thanks, receptionist," he said. He took a step to his office, then paused. "Why is this place to dimly lit today anyway?"
"Well," the receptionist began, "I think there are a few reasons. First and foremost, no one comes to watch our games because it's embarrassing to see Donovan McNabb cry up close. Second, we've been under a lot of fire since publicity tried to get people into games by offering a free John Kuhnskin cap for each of the first 1000 ticket buyers. Third, I hear the board is trying to save money to hire your replacement." She cleared her throat. "Also, I'm not your receptionist. I'm your wife. Remember? You had to let your receptionist go because this team makes no money and everyone hates it."
"Oh, right," Peter said. "That all makes a lot of sense. Thanks, honey."
Peter walked into his office and hit the light switch; the ceiling light went from off to dim. There was a letter sitting on his desk.
September 12, 2008
By Hand Delivery and Federal Express
Dear Peter:
Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.
However, you continue to make public statements that are critical of the organization, its players as a whole as well as individual players. Such statements constitute conduct detrimental to the Mile High Club and I will no longer stand silently by while you continue to hurt this organization.
Further, your contract is quite clear that you work “subject to the direction and supervision of the General Partner’’ and that the General Partner has the “exclusive right to do all things, which in its sole discretion are necessary to maintain and improve the Club, the football organization and their activities.’’
I realized when I hired you that you were young and inexperienced and that there would be a learning process for you. Your mistakes on player personnel (Correll Buckhalter?! Really?) and coaches (Saints D/ST?! Really??) were overlooked based on our patience with you. But I never dreamt that you would be so awful in all aspects of the game. Your actions are those of a coach looking to make excuses for not winning, rather than a coach focused on winning.
For example, with the exception of Rob Bironas (who we all knew would be good and you paid no money for), you were involved in drafting all players and determining salaries for them and you were explicit in your desire to sign such studs as John Kuhn, Kenneth Darby (whose name I had to look up because I don't even know who he is) and Greg Olsen amongst others. All were a must to sign in your eyes, Kuhn in particular, because you had heard Jason was going to pick him up, as he does for all available players who have ever once touched a football during a game. Do not run from that now.
I do realize that you did not want to draft Joe Flacco. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team! Stop trading away our only good players for Dez Bryant, asshole.
In regards to your recent fabrications about the defense, during the final cuts you made every cut on offense and every cut on defense. Further more, during the games on Sunday Kyle lit you up we got killed by the most amount a points any fantasy team in our league has ever lost by.
This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, ie, don't stop sucking it up like no other suck has ever sucked, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.
By: (Al Davis signature)
So what is going wrong with this team? Other teams in the league are bad, but not this bad week-in and week-out. Remember, too, that Peter has two wins (divine intervention if I've ever seen it) despite a league-low 306 PF (partially explained by his third-lowest in the league PA at 404.
Part of it can't be blamed totally on Peter; his team has been ravaged by injuries (RIP Green Bay's running game). But there's a fair amount of poor decision making, too. Peter traded Joe Flacco (56 fantasy points thus far) for Dez Bryant (23). Now I know that its unfair to compare QB point numbers straight up, so I'll give some statistics. In the past three games Flacco has put up 22, 12, and 15 pts. Dez Bryant has put up 5, bye week, and 2 (11 if you count the week before that, which was his season high). I realize you can't start 2 QBs, and if you've got two good ones ultimately one needs to go. But at what cost? Joe Flacco has a week where he put up as many points as Dez Bryan has this season...and you'd have to be joking to believe that was a fair trade. ESPECIALLY considering the lengths some people in this league (population: me) went to get a QB of even decent value. Would Peter have preferred Hines Ward? I would have willingly traded him for Flacco. Poor decision making skills; Al Davis was right!
So how can this team get better?
1) Luck/Prayer. Because really, that's the only thing that is going to work here.
2) Very strategic trading. This is hard because, honestly, Peter has nothing to trade. All of his players are awful. What he needs at this point is to trade any single player he has that's good for two that are average...because at least with a team full of average players he stands a chance. Right now his team of scrubs is incapable of beating anyone (but me), which will lead to a long season.
3) Stalk the Free Agent Market. A la Jason. Money wise I think Peter's not winning too many bidding wars, so its going to be all about finding that choice pick one week before everyone else. Good luck with that, though.
4) Find a sucker. Remember Nava and Steven Jackson-gate? If Peter can get himself on the receiving end of one of those deals, it might be game on.
5) There just aren't five things Peter can do to save that steaming pile 'o team.
Text Messages of the Week
Peter: Fantasy Fail
Peter: I think my team is looking for a new manager behind my back
Rob: You're right. I've been contacted. They say they're trying to move in a new direction: scoring points.
Peter: Look, we run a clean, strict organization. It may not be obvious on the field yet, but we're building something here. It's a 3 year plan.
Rob: Is that a Charlie Weis quote?
Peter: 2008 Notre Dame was the model for my team in fact
Rob:I thought it was the 2008 Detroit Lions
Peter:Matt Millen is another hero
Kim: Don't be too hard on Peter this week. And try not to point out that Forte alone almost outscored his whole team... (guess I failed to honor both those requests)
Scott: I'm 1-4...people should be lining up to play me
Awards Roundup!
The Shit the Bed Award/The Soulcrusher Award: Kim over Peter by 72
The funny part is this award isn't designed to be given out every week, but Peter's team keeps hitting disastrously new lows. I know, dead horse. I'll stop now.
St. Mary's Award For the Blind: Peter, 37 pts
Dead Horse!
Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Donel
All those things I said about Donel's team being undynamic without CJ having a 40 point game? I take it all back. Bonus points for beating Jason!
Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Drew
Just because Peter's too easy. Also, I'd like to point out that Drew's bench outscored his team this week, an impressive feat for 7 players (or 6 players and Mario Manningham). Consider this managerial punishment. Peter, you'll get this award next week.
Eagle Eye Award: It's a tie!
Ray Rice (Ryan) with 27 and Malcolm Floyd (Kyle) with 27. Let us now be assured Malcolm Floyd will never again be the #1 point winner of the week.
Scrub Starters of the Week
I'd like to start by saying this is my first week absent from this list. Sad, isn't it? I count the little victories.
Ryan Good: Mark Clayton, 0 pts. Also, out for the season. Slap!
Peter: Lance Moore 0 pts
Peter: Anquan Boldin, 0 pts
Peter: Greg Olsen, 0 pts (Horse! Dead!)
Kyle: Jermichael Finley, 0 pts (text from Kyle: It's pretty awesome that my stud TE gets injured on the first play of the game trying to tackle the defender after the scrub TE fumbles it)
Drew: Tim Hightower 0 pts
Drew: Vikings D/ST -2 pts
Power Rankings
1) Kyle (last week:1) 5-0
I can't argue with the record, but I will say this: this is the second week in a row Kyle has looked unspectacular but still beaten his even less spectacular opponent. Also, Kyle has only 303 PA this season...thats 73 less than the next closest, Kim at 376. That is just out of control. As Ryan showed us last year, that will not last. However, Kyle is scoring the third most overall points, so maybe it will? Golly.
2) Travis (last week:2) 3-2
What was that about a curse? 119 points later and I'm starting to believe. Also, 7 players above 100 pts? Are you kidding me? I can't wait until Travis plays Kyle...this week!
3) Donel (last week: 4) 3-2
I believe! I believe!
4) Me (last week: 5) 3-2
I believe a little less in this one, but I'm holding by ground here. I'm not as awful as once believed, but I also encourage people to not believe the hype I'm giving myself here. This team is just okay
5) Kim (last week: 7) 3-2
Kim's team is an enigma to me. AP only managed 10 pts this week but it didn't matter; her WRs (not including Kevin Walter), who had been dormant all season, just exploded their ability all over the place. Her team's not as hopeless as it once seemed, but I need to see consistency before I move her ass up.
6) Drew (last week: 3) 2-3
Drew falls for the loss this week, but hold some ground because you can't pick all the wrong players every week, can you?
7) Jason (last week: 6) 2-3
91 pts aint bad...except when you're playing monster Donel. I will say: nice job benching Schaub, who I wouldn't have guessed was going to have 3 pts. I'll also say: way to go starting Sam Bradford, who overachieved with 4 pts.
8) Scott (last week 8) 1-4
Scott = in trouble, which is surely driving him crazy considering how much time he puts into this. That being said, he doesn't look as hopeless as...
9) Ryan (last week: 10) 1-4
How did hapless Ryan Good jump Peter this week? First, Ryan's team may be unbalanced and sort of bad but at least there's the chance of players blowing up...Peter's players rarely touch the ball. Also, I looked at the schedule and I saw Peter's going to play Ryan again this season, which means a second win. I don't see Peter winning any more games, so I think Ryan will ultimately have the edge.
10) Peter (last week: 9) 2-3
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE
Week 6 Fearless Predictions
2-3 last week, including the terrible prediction of "Kim winning in a close one." I've learned to stop betting small
Rob 3-2 v. Kim 3-2
I believe this one will be close. Oh wait! My best RB is on by, as is my closest thing to a backup. Toast!
Kim by 15
Scott 1-4 vs Jason 2-3
Tough to call, but teams can be decent when they want to be. Neither team is really suffering from by weeks, so...
Jason by 9
Kyle 5-0 vs Travis 3-2
Definitely the game of the week. My wishful thinking makes me think Travis, esp. since he's got zero byes this week
Travis by 5
Drew 2-3 vs Ryan 1-4
Drew's getting to 500 this week!
Drew by 15
Donel 3-2 vs Peter 1-4
My only question is whether lightning can strike thrice. My prediction: yes
Donel by 80
One Last Thing
Does Bruno Mars not look just like a slightly girlier version of Donel? Is that racist?
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