Wednesday Night Quarterback (Amped up Monday Night Edition): Week 4: Sacrilege Special

The Lord's Prayer

Our Foster, who art in Texas
Hallowed be thy legs
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
In Oakland as it was in Indy

Give me today about thirty points
And forgive me for doubting you
As I forgive those who doubt my team
And lead us not into devastation
But deliver us from Scoba

Touchdown.

I'm pretty sure no one is as amped up as I am right now after the Patriots made Miami look silly. You know a game is getting out of hand when the announcers start coming up with statistics like, "this is the first time in history a team scored a TD rushing, passing, on a kickoff return, on a blocked punt, and a blocked field goal, all in the same game." Not that that isn't awesome, but the rest of the country must have been bored to death. I wasn't. Add onto that Scott and I both had actively players and I managed to win? Cake! Cake! With icing!

Ahem. Now that that's out of the way...This week was really epic...Biblically so.

Divine Intervention of the Week: Scott and I were battling it out point for point with Gostkowski kicking field goals for me and Marshall hauling in (blissfully short yardage) catches for Scott. After a TD the patriots decide to go for two, which means no extra point for my kicker. But NO! Edelman false starts and the patriots decide to kick an extra point! Subsequently: I win by one point. Thanks, God.

God spares Isaac, Abraham relieved: MJD has been awful all season. Just. Awful. I think he broken 10 points once. But like a good believer, Kyle starts MJD faithfully and is rewarded with a monstrous 23 points (that he doesn't need to beat Peter, but whatever). True believers rejoice!

Bring in the floods: While Kyle brought in a tidal wave of biblical proportions, Peter hadn't quite finished his ark, leading to a 52 points loss. 52! That's a league high. Remember how I scoffed at Peter's 2 wins? I will continue. Scoff scoff scoff! For the record, Peter's high scorer was his kicker, with 10 pts.

Yahweh smites Pharoah: Travis and Jason had a terrific game going on, with Travis coming from behind on the strength of Henne and Moss. Well, sort of. Overconfident, gluttonous Pharoah Travis expected big things from Mr. Moss...but the Lord hates rich white people! SMITTEN! Randy Moss gets a big 0 points and with Travis and Jason tied Henne throws and interception and is pulled from the game. God loves them Jews.

Sodom suffers: Ryan, that loose-pursed lecher, spending all of his money on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. The angels came to Drew Brees and said, be there a righteous player on this team, I shall spare it. Drew Brees said, "hey, I'm a saint, right? I'm righteous, then." To which the angels replied, "meh." They then went about the town and saw a city of starved has-beens, envious never-weres, and many more men characterized not by their skill, but by hubris. The angels said to Drew Brees, "leave this team, and take with you the Chargers D/ST and Andre Johnson," for you are the only worthwhile players, including the bench! But do not look back to see the destruction, because this team flat our sucks." And so the group set off, but Andre Johnson looked backwards, and in anger the Angels turned him into a last-minute high ankle sprain and gave him 0 points.

The judgment day approaches: Four of the top five scorers of the week were in the same two games. Scott was actually the second highest overall scorer, while Travis, in losing, would have easily beaten the winner of the Donel/Good snoozefest or the Flum/Vanderzee spanking. Alas, we all pay for our sins in the end.

Text Messages of the Week! 

Peter: "I benched TO around noon." [in retrospect, those 28 points would not have helped]

Kyle: "You never play Donal Driver and he always scores like 10+ points! That what happens when you dis the pack attack."

Me (to Scott): The Titans have a player named Courtland Finnigan. And he's black! Talk about breaking name stereotypes
Scott: Half black?
Me: Maybe? I've never been good at the black/not black game.

Scott: I have a permanent no Addai policy on my team.

Scott: What happened to Cutler? I just turned it on. They said he hasn't come out of the locker room."
Me: Shame probably

Me: I want 5 FG's and Brandon Marshall C-spine'd early


Awards Roundup! 

The Soulcrusher Award/The Shit The Bed Award

How cruel, fate is. Peter, who last week earned himself the Soulcrusher trophy by dominating me by 38, this week relinquishes said trophy in the face of his 52(!!!!!!) point defeat to Kyle, who really doesn't need more things to make him happy at this point. To which I say: REALLY? Peter now has 269 points of total offense in 3 games...and he put up over one hundred when he played me? I'M SO UPSET.

P.S.: Congrats Kyle. I hate you.

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Scott

Ever feel really bad about beating someone? Yea, me neither. But I had to give it up to Scott for outscoring everyone but me. Also, I sucked so bad the last two weeks that one week does not a trophy make. For now! Plus, he's letting me stay at his house during Homecoming, so I need to suck up now so he doesn't make me sleep with the cat.

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Peter

53 points. It's not even the worst of the year (Ryan still holds that dubious honor). But I mean...let's be serious. When Rob Bironas is the headline of your team, the only road to take is the road of sadness. Let me break this down: 7 players on Peter's team went for 7 or less points, and the other two topped out at 10. At least he hit double digits, right? I honestly would love to give this award to Ryan every week because his team is just so bad, but Peter sucks so convincingly sometimes that it's hard to ignore. Plus, I have no sympathy for him! 2-2!?! How is this team 2-2?!?! Oh yea, http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/boxscorequick?leagueId=300759&teamId=2&scoringPeriodId=1&seasonId=2010&view=scoringperiod&version=quick. Blech.

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Me! Arian Foster, 30 pts.

Arian Foster, thank you for always being there for me. Unlike Steve Smith, who I hate. Our first repeat top scorer of the year! Second place goes to the throwback alert of the week: LT with 27. Where did this guy come from? Oh right. The Chargers.

Scrub Starters of the Week 

Rob: Jay Cutler -3 (my QB woes continues...though you'll notice I don't have a defense on this list for the first time this season! Yahoo!)
Scott: [SPECIAL INCLUSION!] Michael Vick, 2 (INJURY FACE. Mwahahaha!)
Ryan: Marshawn Lynch, -2 (playing a Bill, Ryan? You of all people know better.)
Kim: Maurice Morris and Santana Moss, 0 each (Kim's made fun of me a lot of wanting to trade for Adrian Peterson. I think her claims that the trade isn't to her advantage are reasonable. You know what else is reasonable? Trading three serviceable running backs (Addai, Wells, Bush) to a team that, besides Adrian Peterson, has no one. This bye week meant she started Maurice Morris. MAURICE MORRIS. Desperation alert!)
Travis: Randy Moss, 0 pts (ouch. Sorry Travis, that just sucks)

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (last week:1)

Not only did Kyle's offense blow the fuck up this weekend, but all of the 2-1 teams lost...putting Kyle 2 games ahead of everyone in the division. Can you smell playoffs? On the downside, his bench is pathetic...to the point where he had to start Maroney this week, a sure sign of oncoming demise. But seriously, if you can score triple digits with Maroney in play, you're on to something. A clear #1

2) Travis (last week:2)

Yea yea yea, he lost this week. But he still looked better than most of the teams that won. The problem? I think this team is cursed. Travis is just finding ways to lose these games.

3) Drew (last week: 5)

In the sea of 2-2 teams, Drew's isn't bad. He's got reliable RBs and a great QB. His WRs are awful, straight up. For the second week in a row they couldn't get more than 7 pts combined. And he didn't look great this week with 71 pts, but a win is a win.

4) Donel (last week: 4)

Speaking of teams that look bad...Donel wins, but with 66 points? The sad fact: Donel's team is undynamic without a big game by Chris Johnson. When CJ is on, Donel will be on, but any slow game spells doom for his chances. The plus side? Johnson's on a whole lot. I'm holding Donel at 4

5) Me (last week: 9)

This is not because I think my team is any good. Let's get that straight. The best I can say of my team is it has definite explosive potential. Two weeks over 100, two weeks under 70. I've got a spotty team of people threatening to blow up, plus major issues at QB (thanks for those -3, Jay Cutler. Vandy sucks!), but I can still give good teams terrible fits when my offense comes together.

6) Jason (last week: 7)

Slowly but surely, Jason's team is showing, hey! We're not awful. The problem I see is in the guess work. Jason's team is all about matchups and predictions; he's got a lot of possible flex options that he has to start every week and he can't always guess who's going to blow up and who's going to suck (see: 2 WRs with 1 point each). But his team's turning out surprisingly solid, and it's really fun to watch him scramble to bid on every player at $0 each auction

7) Kim (last week: 3)

No AP = no chance of victory. Until Kim gets some depth, she's sunk. I'm not saying she won't make the playoffs, but one slow game by Peterson and she's gone.

8) Scott (last week:6)

I actually like Scott's team a lot...it's pretty deep, he's made some good player picks (what a bargain LT looks like now...and who through BenJarvus Green-Ellis would threaten to become a relevant part of the NE offense?). But the sad fact is he's 1-3. He's in a big hole, and this week's barnburner didn't help him.

9) Peter (last week:8)

I think I've said enough about Peter's team.

10) Ryan (last week: 10)

Now taking bets for what date and time Ryan asks if we can NOT do an auction draft next year.

Week 5 Fearless Predictions! 

Huh! Last week I actually went 4-1 on predictions, my lone mistake being not guessing myself. That's fine. I'm never guessing myself to win a game ever. I hate letting myself done. 6-4 record all time for predictions? Not bad! Y'all might have to believe I know what I'm talking about.

Rob (2-2) vs Ryan (1-3)

Okay, so on paper this sounds like a blow out win for me. Not so fast! Based on my "win a game, lost a game" philosophy, I'm inevitably going to put up no more than 60 pts, and Ryan will crawl to 62

Ryan by 2

Kim (2-2) vs Peter (2-2)

Kim gets AP back, but loses Brady and Welker. Bumbumbum! Luckily, she's playing Peter, who I think she'll beat in a close one

Kim by 4

Jason (2-2) vs Donel (2-2)

This one looks like a wash to me. I have no way of predicting Donel's output (126 points? 66 points? Who knows?). What I do know is I expect Jason to be consistent, so I have to give him the edge.

Jason by 5

Kyle (4-0) vs Scott (1-3)

Scott might be the best 1-3 team we've had...but I don't think Kyle is losing this one. MJD vs the Bills? No byes? Helloooo victory!

Kyle by 10

Travis (2-2) vs Drew (2-2)

Another bye-heavy week for Travis, which makes me confused. Travis's team still has potential for greatness...but I'm confident something will happen to make Travis lose for no good reason. Tony Romo -27 perhaps?

Drew by 1

One Last Thing

MGoBlog has been advertising this awesome Michigan football wallpaper website...some are better than others, but this one I enjoy: