Karma police, arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He's like a detuned radio
This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He's like a detuned radio
This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us
I love joking about karma, but this week it came back to bite me hard. The teams who I've given too much free press to? God smote them with a team Langley thunderbolt. The teams who I've done nothing but verbally shit upon for two weeks? Yahweh himself proved he will always protect the jews against the heretical lesbians. Oh, and Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/whoever decided it was time for Peter to strike back after all my degrading comments, on the wings of Anquan Boldin. Anquan...is that a holy name? Sounds like it.
So here, for you, I offer my karmic penance.
1) I was wrong about jumping on Donel's bandwagon. Sure, he's still the highest scoring team in our league. But 1-2? He's 1-2? It's not even like his opponents are playing that much better than him; he's ranked only 4th on total points against. What is happening to this team? I'm not jumping off the bandwagon yet (there's a lot of trash in our league, myself included), but this wagon has already lost a wheel, the oxen are sick, and I think we're about the ford a river. Dysentery pending.
2) A sobering statistic: based off the 2009 ESPN fantasy football database, only 27% of teams that started 1-2 made the playoffs last year. I can tell you for a fact that out number this year will be higher than that as six (six!) teams are currently 1-2, meaning that even if we all managed to not win another game 2 of us have to make the playoffs by sheer lack of other options. Fellow bottomfeeders: fear not! 2 of the 6 of us are guaranteed a first round playoff loss!
3) Speaking of six (six!) 1-2 teams, our league is looking a lot more...well, balanced than last year. We don't have Peter and or Kim sitting at 0-7 at the bottom of the league or Ryan racking up 6 wins before losing straight through for the rest of the season. Kyle's our lone undefeated team. So all of us are much better (or worse?) than I had originally thought.
4) Karma check: Peter is 2-1. That's right. Peter of the 216 total offensive points, which would be anemic and awful were it not for Ryan Good who clocks in with 200 after three games. When did the universe start liking Peter? God, I'm sorry I offended you. Can you now put the world back in order and hand me a win for last week? Don't I deserve it for all this groveling?
5) Karma check: The case of Fever and Baker. After both lived down to my expectations during the first two weeks, they both decided to say "shut the fuck up Rob" and score 106 points, tops in week 3. Uh oh! I smell angry ex-emperors vengeful to reclaim the throne!
6) Pun alert: Why, Fever's team sure is "hot" right now. Wow, so is Baker's team. Baker is really lighting the burner under his team. Fever's team is so hot it's shattering my thermometer. I can't believe I didn't realize this connection before!
7) Not-quite-karma check: Sorry Kim, you can't win every game.
8) Reasons to not spend ten minutes every wednesday belittling your friends: see my team. The entirety of it. Also, now that I'm benching Favre you can bet the universe is going to let him be good again. You'll see.
9) I've seen a lot of advice for picking D/ST based on matchups. I'm here to tell you that all bloggers who report that can suck big black penis. Through three weeks I've got -4 fantasy points from my defense. I NOW TRUST NO ONE. I'm going to throw a part the first time I get a fantasy defense point. Right now 0 is my season high.
Text message of the week
Peter: My WR's are trying to beat you by themselves. They're down 8 right now.
Peter: I'll trade you buckhalter [for addai] straight up. I'll throw in slaton too so you're all set when the arian race blows out his ACL.
Before the game started:
Scott: So did you start favre today?
Rob: It's his last chance. If he can't do it against the LIONS, its over.
As Brett throw his first INT of the night
Scott: Oops, Brett happened again
Rob: Shhh. Don't. Just. Don't.
Awards Roundup
Big week for me! I have received...
The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness and The Shit The Bed Award
I earned them, that's for sure! That's two straight weeks of sucking, plus a 38 point loss to add to my resume. Even if Anquan Boldin hadn't scored a point, I still would have lost! Mercy.
The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Blow Schaub
This was a tough one. Scott and Jason both put up 106 pts; Peter put up 105. I eliminated Peter first because a) His not WRs pretty much all sucked. Two lucky players does not deserve the Spotlight! and b) he already got the Soulcrusher award for mercilessly beating my team's mangled corpse. Then it came down to which method I found more impressive: scoring 106 points by having a few players blow the fuck up with five starters had five points or less (Scott) or scoring 106 points by having a well-balanced team with no scorer above 20 but only one below 5 (Jason). I was pretty torn, but I like Jason's team name better. Win!
Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: It's a tie! Michael Vick (Scott) and Anquan Boldin (Peter) with 32 pts. Better luck next time, Adrian Peterson (31)
Scrub Starters of the Week
Rob: Buccaneers D/ST -3 pts
Donel: Dolphins D/ST -2 pts
Kim: Visanthe Shiancoe 0 pts
I might expand this to include 1-2 pointers, since those people still suck. We'll see.
Power Rankings
1) Kyle (previous rank:2)
Okay Kyle, I get it. 3 straight wins. The only undefeated team. You just won't be denied that top spot, will you? A few facts, though. Kyle is ranked 5th in PF and 1st (as in, least) PA. Kyle's not blowing the world up, but he keeps winning. Is Kyle the new Ryan Good? God, I hope so. I love a good mid-season flame out.
2) Travis (previous rank: 5)
Remember what I said about not thinking the Steelers D/ST could put up 28 per week? I was right: they only managed 18. Shit, that defense is good. Top it off with the fact that Travis is scoring big and has some if-not-superstars-than-at-least-viable-options on the bench (which is more than most of us can say) makes me think I was wrong to jump off the Bojangles Bus.
3) Kim (previous rank: 3)
So I didn't get everything wrong last week: Kim's team still a shallow, seven-year old vagine (say it like Dane says it). Sure, her bench looks good, but you can't start 3 QBs a week, Kimmy, and Leon Washington isn't going to return two kicks for TDs a week. Zero depth. Zero. But man, can those starters play! Kim's one injury from guaranteed last place, though.
4) Donel (previous rank:1)
Tough tough tough week. Injuries, benched players blowing up, a pretty good opponent. Donel's team is screaming "unlucky" to me right now. Read: #1 in points scored, #3 in most points scored against. This can't continue. However...if Donel keeps losing like this, he's dropping down my power rankings like a stone. This team ain't dead yet, but like I said, dysentery. The slow, watery death.
5) Drew (previous rank: 4)
Drew could have had this game if he didn't bench Tony Gonzalez. But I guess that's true of a lot of the matchups this week. The cold facts? Drew's starting WRs: 5 pts. His bench? Full of scrubs RBs and extremely lucky Jabar Gaffney. This smells like trouble.
6) Scott (previous rank: 7)
7) Jason (previous rank: 9)
Remember how I talked about Scott and Jason's team looking identical to me after draft day? Same draft strategy, same teams of mostly scrubs with a couple mid-tier starters to buoy up the rotted side planks. Two mediocre weeks go by, then they both blow up for the exact same score of 106 points. These teams are on the exact same trajectory and I can't make heads or tails of which one might actually stick. I'm ranking Scott higher because he didn't blow his whole FA budget on Brandon Jackson.
8) Peter (previous rank: 10)
Peter emerges from the basement of the power rankings! What's that you say? Why is a 2-1 team ranked eighth? The answer, my good friend, is the mere 216 points of total offense and the extremely lucky 190 points against. Luck doesn't last forever. However, I of course, need to rank him above...
9) Rob (previous rank: 6)
...myself, who Peter beat (quite handily). My team's sort of a disgrace, isn't it? Still, keep in mind my team these past two weeks was basically a Jay Cutler + a positive scoring defense away from respectable scores in the 80s. Not that I think that's going to necessarily happen, but I do feel like my team is better than...
10) Ryan (previous rank:8)
...Ryan (the other team that lost to Peter. Peter has beaten the two worst teams in our league. Hmm...). So the obvious is that Ryan is the lowest scoring team in our league (he's averaging about 66 points per week). Here's what's funny: if you took the score of EVERY SINGLE PLAYER on his roster last week, including all those benched QBs and third-stringers who have their one big game that everyone inevitably has, his total points scored were 104. That's right, if he got to play seven more people, he would have had only the fourth best team of the week. There are no backups on Ryan's team. There are no players who might make a difference. It's life or death on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. And right now, it's death.
Week 4 Fearless Predictions
Last week recap: Whoops! I suck at this. I went 2-3 last week, seriously overbetting on both myself and Kim. Since I'm clearly no good at this prognosticating thing, I'm going to just predict by feeling.
Scott (1-2) vs Bob (1-2)
I've got a pretty good lifetime record against Scott. I don't know the exact number, but I think I've got the edge in the overall series, which is rare, considering my overall record (including playoffs) is 19-25 over 3.1 seasons. That being said, I'm not getting good vibes from this matchup. At least this way, if I lose, I can say my prediction was right!
Prediction: Scott by 8
Donel (1-2) vs Ryan (1-2)
You all know how I feel about Ryan's team. If Donel can't clean this house, I'm joining some other pioneers.
Prediction: Donel by 12
Kyle (3-0) vs Peter (2-1)
I still don't believe, Peter.
Prediction: Kyle by 10
Drew (1-2) vs Kim (2-1)
Kim had a great game from her big two (Brady and Petersen) last week, and since they're sort of her bread and butter, I've got to base her chances of winning on them. Oh wait, Petersen's out this week. Advantage: Drew
Prediction: Drew by 5
Travis (2-1) vs Jason (1-2)
I love when Travis and Jason compete at anything, because each of them knows they are better than the other (remember that wrestling match where Jason got a bloody nose? That was a good decision) at Fantasy Football. So what does that mean? Shit, I dunno. What I do know is that Travis is ravaged by byes this week.
Prediction: Jason by 15
One Last Thing
Did you know that PBR is classy and expensive in China? PROOF:
Apparently, in China it's branded as a "world famous spirit" and bottled/advertised as if it's some sort of champagne (the Champagne of Beers, perhaps? High-Life should sue). And get this: "Pabst Blue Ribbon 1844" (as they call it) costs $44 US per bottle. Is it still 55 cents at Circus?
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