"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
The Best of Times: D Money All Day
Wow. Wow! With 126 points Donel is now 25 points ahead of his closest competitor in total points for. Also, Donel could have beaten any two of Peter's, Scott's, Jason's, and Ryan's teams put together...by a comfortably margin. Add onto that 7 players with double digit fantasy points, no player under 6 points (his defense, which barely counts), and three bench players with over 14 points...uh oh! Watch out for the D-Train!
The Worst of Times: The Goods
Sacre bleu. I was expecting Ryan's team to be a little light...but not THIS light. Here's a stat for you: Ryan spent $154 on his big three players: Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. His big payout: 21 fantasy points. I don't need to rub it in for that to be abysmal. But I will. For reference, Ryan got 24 fantasy points from the Giants Defense, Jay Feely, and Jerome Harrison. Total cost: $18 + any money it might have cost him to pick up the giants D FROM THE FAA. Looks like we've got a pretty good consensus that having three good players can only work occasionally.
The Age of Wisdom: Arian: The Master Race (formerly Big Ben's Unwilling)
Not to toot my own horn (toot toot!), but starting Arian Foster was a game time decision for me. I was going to start Addai instead, but decided, hey, I got in a bidding war with Scott for this guy, I might as well start him. Beanie Wells being declared out led to me playing Addai anyway (thanks for those 6 points, Joe. 'Preciate it), but it still feels good to start 1-0, since I don't. Ever. And speaking of Scott...
The Age of Foolishness : Favre From Over
While his season is favre from over (ha-ha), his team also sucks. Let's break this down. Scott, as he is oft to do, skipped all the "paying for QBs" nonsense and got himself Matt Stafford as a starter. Now, I'll admit, Stafford is a trendy pick for having a breakout (breakdown?) year, but I'm pretty sure all of us would think of him as a backup with an upside, not as a Week 1 starter. 1 shoulder separation (and 1 fantasy point) later, and I think Scott has realized the same thing. He needed 3 more points to beat Peter (a win with 56 points? Jumpin' Jehosaphant!), which he could have done with almost...any...other...QB. Or, well, anyone decent, since his whole team sort of shat it up.
The Epoch of Belief: Hasselback's Last Stand
A tie for the second highest score in the league? Check. Over 100 points without virtually any help from her star #1 draft pick? Check. A team worth of double-digit, drool worthy fantasy players? Check. I believe, hon. I believe.
P.S.: I could look this up, but since I'm lazy, I'm just going to speculate: is it just me or has Kim won like 6 of 7 regular season games dating to last season??
The Epoch of Incredulity: Mile High Club
That was INCREDULOUS! A win with 56 points? Really? I'm not actually astonished that a team won with only 56 points (it's happened with less), or that it won with the highest scoring player getting 12 points...or that if the manager could predict the future he still would have only had 12 more points. What I'm astonished about is that Peter got lucky. Peter is the opposite of luck. If you look in the thesaurus under antonyms for lucky, you will get unfortunate, hexed, jinxed, and Peter. That was INCREDULOUS!
The Season of Light: The Frum
I know, I know, drew lost this week. But he had the fourth highest point total, his team has plenty of potential, he's got Matt Forte, and his bench looked pretty good. Also: 5 teams lose every week, but 6 teams make the playoffs! If we had the playoffs right now, The Frum would have slot #6
The Season of Darkness: Team Langley (formerly My Team)
Apparently, God (and football) hates an uninspired team name. God then responds by giving your running backs 10 fantasy points combined. Please, Travis, get a better team name. Boxcar Joes was at least very classic, if not PUNtastic. Also, give up on Michael Turner. It's just not going to happen.
The Spring of Hope: Team Buffalo
Kyle's team this week wasn't great. His TE was below average, his RBs were poor, and his WRs were only okay. And you know what? He won by 36 points. He didn't even need Peyton's monster game to save him. If his players stop under performing...wow, can he do it? Can he go all the way? Why not. Who is in his way right now?
The Winter of Despair: Colt McFev
I'll mostly let Jason's totally expected meltdown (I ranked him preseason #3, but read into it more to understand why I'm not too surprised for this outcome) speak for itself. Instead, I'll provide a list of the text messages he sent me during his depressing lost to a team (mine) that many expected to suck.
"I hope Arian Foster breaks his leg." (this is after he already ran for 41 points)
"I hate him."
Rob: "It's funny, I had been concerned I overpaid for him in the draft."
"You did. He's gonna break his leg next week."
Rob: "Or run for 300 yards!"
"Fluke. I hate you."
"I also hate Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. HATE."
The bitterness tastes soooo sweet.
Awards Roundup
The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: D Money All Day
I think I said it all above. Donel's team scored in ways our teams could only dream of scoring. He had the highest point total of the week and seemed to have the most depth of any of the teams out there right now. Believe the hype. This guy's for real.
The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: The Goods
This was actually a close call. Scott is an honorable mention for his sad, sad 54 points, decision to start Matthew Stafford, and the fact that 29 of his points (that's 53.7% of his points) were because of two players...only one of which I would trust at this point to be a real offensive threat (sorry, Jamaal Charles). 3rd most awful definitely goes to Peter for the fact that, despite his win, his team looks anemic. Like, hemoglobin of 5 anemic. As in, TRANSFUSE WITH TALENT, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU. But none of their inadequacies overwhelm Ryan's shit-tastic, ass-tabulous, vagina-ormous failure in week 1. Y'all may think this week is just one week and not too important, especially considering that most offensives haven't found their fire yet. But let me tell you this: teams 4th-7th last year all finished within one game of each other. Want to tell me a loss this week doesn't matter? We'll see if we get into another 1 game duel. Neither Ryan's loss nor his terrible offensive numbers will help him here.
The Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Arian: The Master Race
I feel bad giving this award to myself, but it's pretty objective. Foster's 41 fantasy points easily out muscled the second highest active point scorer, Matt Forte (30 fantasy points). Celebration time!
Power Rankings
1) Donel (last week, 2)
I think Donel can emerge from the middle of the pack sadness that enveloped his team last year. Break the dynasty, Donel. Please?
2) Me! (last week, 5)
Here I REFUSE to toot my own horn. But, subjectively speaking, I've got a deep team currently led by Arian Foster. I expect a BIG drop in the rankings next week of Arian Foster suddenly lays an egg. Stay tuned.
3) Kim (last week, 9)
I'm also a convert on Kim. It's too early to say for sure, but she may have finally solved the problems that hit her early, rookie team hard last year. Can she, lead her sophomore team to the championship?
4) Drew (last week, 4)
Win or not, I still think Drew's team has the potential to be better than...
5) Kyle (last week, 7)
Drew outscored Kyle straight up. But I think they're close, in terms of potential. Both only hit those scoring heights because of either a) a 29 point performance by Peyton, or b) a 30 point performance by Forte. Otherwise, their teams are very similar, filled with underperformers. Trades will make or break both these teams.
6) Travis (last week, 1)
I am mostly disappointed by Travis's inability to make my prediction look good. While his team is far from finished, I think Kim showed this week that some statistical upheaval might be in the works.
7) Jason (last week, 3)
Remember how I called his team risky? Enter Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. Bedshitters!
8) Scott (last week, 8)
If he can't beat Peter...it's either shape up or ship out
9) Ryan (last week, 6)
There's only one good reason he's not #10...
10) Peter (last week, 10)
So sure, he's got a win. But those 56 sad, sad points make me wonder what Peter's earning potential is this year. Peter's team is defined by the 4-7 point player (the amount of points each person puts up, and has no break out stars. He lucked out against Scottie McScottyousuck this week, but I don't think he'll be as lucky in the near future. When he wins a with 100 points, I'll take notice.
Scrub Starters of the Week: (players on the active roster with 0 or less points)
Rob: 49ers Def -1
Jason: Shonn Greene -1
Scott: CJ Spiller 0
Kim: Garrett Hartley 0
Ryan: Kenny Britt 0
Week 2 Fearless Predictions:
Spotlight Game: Hasselback's Last Stand vs. D Money All Day
The arguably best two teams in our league meet in Week 2. My prediction? Sorry, Kim, I think you'll make the playoffs, but Donel is damn good right now. Prediction: Donel by 8 pts
Arian: The Master Race vs. Team Buffalo
I realize I was lucky with Arian Foster last week. He won't get 41 pts again, but my team should be decent. Regardless, Kyle needs to win in order to not fall behind too quickly. Prediction: PUSH
My Team vs. Favre From Over
I wouldn't expect Scott to suck as bad this week. That being said, I still believe Travis is the better team: Prediction: Travis by 3
Colt McFev vs. The Frum
Both of these teams need wins. The difference? Drew's got a team to back it up. Prediction: Drew by 5
The Goods vs. Mile High Club
This is like watching arena football. Yea, someone wins and loses, but does anyone really care? Prediction: PUSH.
Final Postscript: Somewhere in the middle of this post I left to get wasted. Can you tell where the writing takes a dip for the worst?
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