Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 9: Five Signs of the Apocalypse

Number 1: Look's Who Lurking (at the bottom of the leaderboard)

Every time I log into fantasy football, I'm reminded of two things: Jason and Scott. The Fever-Baker Dynasty started as a joke...until last year, when they proved, yet again, to be unbeatable. It doesn't matter how good your team is, how many wins you had in the regular season, or what seed you are in the playoffs. That's because Jascott is going to turn around and put up 150 points in the championship game in a big 'ol fuck you to the man.

Or at least, that's how it used to be. I woke up this morning, and guess who's #9 and #10?

Now, I'm not going to say these two are eliminated. 6-7 teams routinely make the playoffs in our league...I think a 5-8 team threatened to make the playoffs last year (that would be me. Travis may have actually been 5-8, but I don't remember). If you get to seven wins you are all but assured a playoff spots.

The difference this year is that we don't have as much disparity at the top or bottom. There's no Kim or Peter (2009 editions) to go 0-10/1-9 and give the rest of us easy wins. We might actually NEED to have winning records to make the playoffs.

I also can't say that Scott or Jason suck. Well, maybe Jason does (Brandon Jackson still haunts his nightmares, no doubt), but Scott is the #1 scariest team at this point. Let's break this down. Scott is the #10 team in our league, and the #1 highest scoring team in our league. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? This might be the only case of this being true in the history of ESPN Fantasy Football. Seriously, we should email Mr. Roto and see if anyone else has done this. It's amazing.

The #1 team I least want to play is Prestige Worldwide. If he makes the playoffs: armageddon. But for now, I'll laugh at his misfortune.

2) WTF Standings?

I know I've said this before, but apparently our standings do not function like I once thought. Scott, who has 140 more points that Jason, is ranked below him. Peter, who has about 180 less points than Travis, is ranked ahead of him. I've figured out the reason: the tiebreaker in our league is set to Head-to-Head record...then to PF in the case of a tie. Genius! So Peter's paltry point total doesn't matter...if he beat you 12 to 9 during The Suck Bowl, he's still got the advantage.

3) How can Kyle not make the playoffs?

Okay, this is complicated...here goes.

First off, Kyle needs to lose out. That would put him at 7-6. 6 teams, then, need to have that record or better. Here's how it would have to play out:

Week 10:
Travis beats Rob (actually irrelevant, and I'll tell you why, later)
Peter beats Scott
Drew beats Jason
Ryan beats Kyle
Donel beats Kim

Week 11:
Rob beats Kyle
Travis beats Donel (irrelevant as long as Travis beat me in week 10)
Drew beats Scott
Peter beats Ryan
Kim/Jason game irrelevant

Week 12:
Peter beats Rob
Travis beats Jason
Ryan beats Scott
Donel beats Kyle
Drew beats Kim

Week 13
Rob beats Scott
Drew beats Travis
Peter beats Kyle
Donel beats Jason
Ryan beats Kim

This would give Peter, Ryan, Donel, and Travis 8 wins, and myself and Drew 7 wins. However, since we've got that handy tie, our 7-3-1 beats all tiebreakers with Kyle, putting him in seventh place.

These are NOT THE ONLY TEAMS THAT CAN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. However, in the case that any other team substitutes into one of the above six slots, the chance of Kyle making the playoffs rises exponentially. Basically, in order to keep Kyle our, all of the 5-4 or better teams + Ryan Good + one of the 3 win teams need to step up, and specifically, Kyle needs to lose out and one of the 3 win teams needs to win out. Since Kyle has a tiebreaker over Jason, it's mathematically impossible for him to be ranked ahead of Kyle in the final rankings. Scott has the tiebreaker over Kyle, and Drew's record is F'd up by the tie, so they are both viable options to overtake Kyle. HOWEVER. Since Scott and Drew play head to head only one of them can reach 7 wins. Scott, meanwhile, plays only teams that need wins (myself, Peter, Ryan), while Drew plays only teams that I've eliminated (Jason, Kim, the latter of which I'l explain in a second) + Travis, who can stand to potentially lose two games, since he has a tiebreaker on Kyle.

So why is Kim out? First off, The fact that she plays Ryan Good and Donel means that she fucks up the whole process of keeping Kyle out of the playoffs. Also, she lose a tiebreak to Kyle, so she can't lose any games and pass him. Donel's fate is in his own hands, and if Ryan can beat Kyle by 36 or more in their second meeting he holds the tiebreaker. Kim's the weakest 4 win team.

There are other permutations that can lead to ultimate victory over the Kyle menace, but this is a guideline. Scott, make sure to lose out, okay?

4) Coincidence...OR FATE???

We've had only our second tie in the history of our league occur between myself and Drew. He also has the same number of points scored. CRAZY WEIRD.

5) The total reversal of trends

There are some things, in this football league, that we hold self-evident. Peter at the bottom of our league. Girls uniformly sucking and doing dumb things (Steven Jackson-gate, ahem). Jascott on top of the league. Travis and Kyle battling for third place. My team starting 1-5, then rising from the ashes only to fall just short of the promised land. Jason getting all of the free agents moments before anyone else has a chance.

What happened? We changed draft style, we changed the waiver wire, and suddenly, everything is in shambles. JaScott are at the bottom of the league, Kim's clawing towards a playoff spot, I'm in 2nd freaking place, Peter's team is still awful but in the LUCKIEST WAY EVER, and Jason spent all of his free agent money in Week 2 and has been forced to pick up every fourth string RB in the league over and over praying for injuries. The times they are a changin'.

I'm going to crunch the numbers at the end of the year, but I'm beginning to get a better idea of what worked and what didn't in regards to spending our fantasy cash. The answer: nothing specific. Kyle and Ryan had the same strategy; spend big then pick up some stragglers. For Kyle, that has worked out beautifully (though I still argue it's luck). For Ryan, the result has been more meh. Scott, Jason, and I, meanwhile, all went for the spend-$20-on-everyone approach, which has, to put it lightly, affected each of our fortunes differently as well. I thought for sure I'd have this all figured out by now, but the sad truth is, nobody knows anything.

Bonus #6: I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was one player away from pitching a perfect hitter on the bench...as in...0 points lost on bench players. Ouch. Depth, anyone?

Bonus #7: This is just for my own edification, but WTF Stephen Gostkowski?!? How many times do kickers get injured early in games???

Text Messages of the Week!

Scott: Fever is challenging Peters season low for scoring. 33 pts with one player left...Peter is kicking his ass with 43 points.
Peter: I'm proud of that award. If you can't be good, be epically bad.

Well put, Peter, well put.

Awards Roundup

Spotlight on Awesomeness: Scott

Remember, Scott, when we left you for dead two weeks ago at 1-6? I'm not saying you're going to make it all the way back, but I spoke to Travis on the phone and said, "God, I hope I don't have to play Scott." Scott Baker: The Destroyer of Dreams

Blackout on Suckiness: Jason

Jason's team is a wreck. There's definitely blow up potential lurking amongst the trash, but I'd have to say that week in, week out, Jason's team is the most likely to melt down. BLACKOUT OF SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY.

Eagle Eye Award: It's a tie! Me with Arian Foster, and Travis with Peyton Hillis, both with 31 points. Bet you wouldn't have thought those two would be top 5 RBs at the beginning of the season.

Scrub Starters of the Weak (I spelled it that way on purpose)

Rob: Steve Smith, 0 pts (anyone want to trade with me?)
Jason: Seahawks D/ST, -5 pts (Wow, worst performance all season by a player?)
Kim: Patriots D/ST, -2 pts (I'm mourning this one)
Kyle: Darren Sproles, 0 pts

Power Rankings

Since I've realized that, duh, ranking teams in a league with ranks is pointless, I decided to mix it up this week and rank teams in terms of buzz. This way, my subjective rankings are of a subjective statistic.

1) Scott: Buzzmeter: Cranked to 11

Everyone's talking about Scott right now. Or at least myself, Travis, and Peter, though I bet Jason is sitting in Ann Arbor cursing Scott's name as well. That name change really turned the tides, didn't it? I wish I could hack into the system and somehow change your name so your players would, once again, be mortal.

2) Peter: Buzzmeter: The sound of a thousand children crying

How can your team be this bad and win all these games? HOW? When you beat me in Week 12, I will find some way to burn your house down.

3) Kyle: Buzzmeter: Middle-Aged Bee

It's hard not to have buzz when you're on top. But it's beginning to feel, more and more, that their might be a new queen in town, and that Kyle's reign at the top of the hive pecking order may soon be over.

4) Rob: Buzzmeter: Enough to make Peter's head explode

Second place, bitches. Another week over one hundred points! I'm going to ride Arian Foster all the way to the bank

5) Travis: Buzzmeter: Southern Cicada

I need to get a bye week so I don't have to face Travis in the first round. Oh god, oh god.

6) Donel: Buzzmeter: Horsefly

Donel, what's up, man? Losing to Drew this week? You can't do this whole "Im'a score 130 points this week, now I'm going to score 70. Oh look, 110! Whoops, 60 pts" thing any more. It's making us (me) lose faith. You're no longer headline material...more like third page, next to the weight loss ads. Not that you need to lose weight, or anything. I've said too much.

7) Drew: Buzzmeter: Resurrected

Good win this week...I think you might be back from the dead. One more win and I'm going to pencil you into the "almost has the chance to maybe compete for a playoff spot" column of my fantasy football master notebook stats list.

8) Ryan: Buzzmeter: Soft hum

I'm losing hope, and actually don't have much to say, which means I'm not feeling it from The Goods, right now.

9) Jason: Buzzmeter: Sad trombone

I'd probably make fun of your team more but I know that you're probably clinically depressed from how bad you've been, recently, and it's no fun to make fun of someone who's on fantasy football suicide watch. Bad karma, and all.

10) Kim: Buzzmeter: PEA

Dear Kim,

Really? 4-5? You put up 58 points this week? Kim, you started off this season so well that I really though you'd have a chance to prove to us all that not all girls who play fantasy football are of the Carissa/Annie/Nava/Karen Kinnaman (who, when was the last time I thought about Karen Kinnaman?) variety. I thought you were going to have this down! I don't even get much smack talk out of you, which makes you infinitely less fun. You're team is like the guy I saw down in the ED today who had a bullet go through his heart but still had a faint glimmer of cardiac activity. I think you're with it enough that I'm willing to give your team a thoracotomy, but I'd be lying if I said there was a good chance you'll get your pulses back.

Love,

Rob

Now for a totally new segment

I hate predicting the games. It makes me anxious, and it's pointless, because who really knows anything about what's going to happen? Instead, welcome to the first installment of Playoff Watch, where I'll break down the permutations of who needs to do what in order to reach the playoffs.

Game 1: Travis vs Rob

In my last four games, three of them are against the top teams in our league (Kyle, Travis, and Peter), or the most devastating (Scott). The chance of me going 0-4 and missing the playoffs is real. We're too far out to call this a make-or-break moment, but this is a game I've got a reasonable chance to win and need desperately. Travis, meanwhile, draws Jason and Drew (which I think he'll win), plus a toss up with Donel. Beating Jason and Drew would give him 7 wins, and, in my opinion, a playoff spot.

For Rob: Really Would Like To Win
For Travis: A Win Would Only Make My Seeding Better

Game 2: Peter vs. Scott

Peter plays Scott, myself, Kyle, and Ryan, the only game of which I'd consider an "easy" game is the one vs. Ryan. Peter does NOT put up enough points week to week to deal with a good week from Scott or myself, but he's got a very realistic chance against Kyle and Ryan. Those two wins would give him seven, which would be enough for a playoff spot. Scott needs to win 3/4, IMO, to make the playoffs, but even that might be dicey, depending about how it all plays out. 7 wins is my predicted cut off, which makes this:

Scott: Not MUST win, but OMG If I don't win this I'm really fucking my own asshole
Peter: Meh, better luck next week

Game 3: Drew vs Jason

Cripple fight! Both of these teams need this win in order to make it all the way to seven, but at 6 wins Drew would be in better shape than anyone else as he'd finish at .500. Jason has terrible PFs, and even if he wins out he'll only have a tiebreaker advantage over five teams: Kim, Travis, Scott, Drew, Donel. Really, in the race for a fifth or sixth spot, the Drew/Scott tiebreakers are drastically less useful, as it is unlikely more than one of the three will factor into the hunt. Donel and Travis are more likely to compete for a 1-4 spot (though time will tell). The Kim tiebreaker helps. But if he loses to Drew this week, I think he might be sunk. Ultimately, I think...

Drew: Could definitely use the win, but alive regardless
Jason: Looking pretty desperate.

Game 4:Ryan vs. Kyle

Kyle's just going for a bye-week, now; Ryan, meanwhile is in an unlucky spot in the pack. He's only got tiebreaker over two teams ahead of him: Peter and Travis. He has the chance to lose that advantage over Peter in Week 11. Ryan could use every win, though this one won't be as important as the subsequent three, as Kyle isn't really his direct competition for a playoff spot.

Ryan: Yes, I would like to win, please
Kyle: Bah, like I care about winning? Opulence, I has it.

Game 5: Donel vs Kim

This is my spotlight game of the week. A win by Kim here puts her at .500 and well on her way to controlling her own playoff destiny. A win for Donel, meanwhile, would take him from "Probable Playoff Spot" to "Possible Bye Week," which is a HUGE jump.

Donel: I don't want to face Scott or Travis in the first round, either
Kim: I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!

My predictions for possible playoff seeding:
Kyle: 1-2
Rob: 1-5 (that "1" is pretty optimistic)
Donel: 1-5
Peter: 2-6
Travis: 2-6
Kim: 3-6
Ryan: 4-6
Drew: 5-6
Jason: 6
Scott: 5-6

One Last Thing




http://www.amctv.com/originals/The-Walking-Dead/

Everyone should watch this show. I never thought I'd see a human being get chopped up with an ax on basic cable.

[Thurs]day Night Quarterback, Week 8: Special Turnabout is Fairplay Edition

Obviously, I'm not one for deadlines...but luckily, Peter has turned my patented formula of 100% insults, 0% data, into his own Peter edition of WNQ. I'm going to post that here, right now. But I'm not letting him be QB, because I'm QB, and there's only one QB on the team. He can play defense or something. 

By Peter: Wednesday Night Free Safety

Given Rob’s inability to come through with a timely recap of our week’s events again, I thought I’d attempt to fill the void with a special guest edition of some form of ____ Night Quarterback. A couple of side notes before we get started:

1. So seriously when does Rob’s intern year actually start? Orientation month, Cardiology consults, Ultrasound, and a shift work ED month make up his first 1/3 of the year? What is this the Nebraska Upstairs Residency in Emergency Medicine? (2 cocktails to whoever gets my Simpson’s reference). Last time I checked 4th year of medical school ended sometime in May. [Editor's note: I want those cocktails, but I don't know enough about this. Also, not my fault y'all chose to work hard and stuff] 
2. At one point I planned to attempt to model this after Rob’s previous posts, but then came to find that ESPN doesn’t save any old league manager notes. As Rob only made available the URL to his blog containing old manager notes in a subsequently unavailable league manager note (well played, Rob), I can’t find one for modeling. I’ll be doing my own thing. [Editor's note: Mwahaha! My bad. It's ichooseweswelker.blogspot.com] 
3. As you might have guessed this post will focus heavily on exacting revenge for the endless slights directed my way in previous editions of this space. Suck it, Rob. [Editor's note: I can't be mad. I'll give you this week and punish you in all the following. Besides, I only speak the truth.] 

Last Week In Review:

Mile High Club vs My Team:
Off the bat let me reiterate Rob’s aforementioned disappointment in Travis’s team name. It’s easily in my top 10 most disappointing aspects of this season (along with my regrettable draft strategy, my team’s glaring point scoring inadequacies, and Rob’s continued existence). Quite frankly I caught Travis on as good of a week as I could have imagined. He loses Tony Romo and his top 2 RBs are on byes. Thank you very much lady luck for that (and for TO’s 2nd TD for anyone who happened to have seen it). Top performer goes to TO and his 18 points. Shat the Bed award is bestowed upon Randy Moss and his 0 point performance. Talk about a disappointing turn to a season. Did anyone actually expect him to do well outside of Brady’s bubble of awesomeness? Do you remember him in Oakland?

The Goods vs Blow Schaub:
Ryan ontinues to claw back from the bottom with some of the strangest fantasy point scorers in recent memory. 56 points out of LaGarrette Blount, Dan Carpenter, and the Ram’s Defense? Zeroes from Marshawn Lynch and Owen Daniels? Let’s give you the benefit of the doubt this week and pretend like you’re a genius for the way that played out. Meanwhile, Jason’s team of misfit toys put on a solid performance again. He continues to reinvent himself and continues to leave buckets of points on the bench because no one has any God damn clue who on his team might score 20 or 0 points each week. I love you for playing Mike Hart and having him actually put up a decent performance before getting hurt. Something about that sounds vaguely familiar. Top performer goes to LeGarrette Blount (I had to double check the spelling on his first name 3 times). Who would have thought being an angry man willing to punch other people in the face with little provocation would translate well to the NFL? Shat the bed award goes to the Seahawks D. That combined -3 points from your kicker and defense had to hurt, Jason. Defense and special teams win games something something.

Rob’s Stupid Name of the Week vs The Frum:
I was rooting for Drew here (for obvious reasons, but also…) because he participated in one of my wins last week. Things didn’t quite work out for me. The only other tie I can recall in our league was way back in the inaugural year of our league when I won a match up I believe against Kyle by 1 point, but then the next day they readjusted the stats and took away that 1 point victory in an effort to surprise me the kick in the balls I was expecting. Anyhow, as they say, “A tie is like kissing your sister.” Except, in this case, your sister is Rob who is drunk and has a raging case of oral HSV. Pretty much very unfortunate for all parties involved. Rob managed to move up in the standings here by just not losing. 1 point less and he joins the pack of 4-4 teams. This season is looking like it might get weird and ties don’t help. Top performer goes to Arian Foster who continues to exceed expectations. Shat the bed award goes to the Viking’s defense. Can anyone recall a worse week than -4 points? Yikes. Another side note: Cedric Benson continues to prove his fantasy value with another sub-8 point performance for a starting RB. More on this later.

Prestige Worldwide vs D Money All Day
Scott finally gets a much deserved win. Don’t lose your dinosaur, Scott: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8gY0IT0CuA. I’m pretty sure this new name will be the turning point for you. Anyway, he basically had this thing wrapped up after the early games. Donel had a slow week with none of his players blowing up for 25+ points like usual (thank you much for being human, Chris Johnson). Donel is quietly trying his best to creep back into the pack at the moment. Performer of the week goes to Megatron and his 28 points. If only he could finish the entire process of his catches when making contact with the ground. Shat the bed award goes to Hines Ward and his 1 point. I still maintain Donel got him at least for free in the Orton:Cutler and Ward trade.

Now to explain my Cedric Benson comment from earlier. In last week’s midseason review, Rob stated RBs were one of his strengths and talked about Cedric Benson being a solid performer. He has 71 points on the year. Rob then went on to say that Scott’s RB situation was ambiguous because Adrian Peterson = good, Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones =bad. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles split time (though really Jones is Charles’s backup in my mind) Jones has scored 2 less points less this year than Benson at 69. Charles has now scored 89 points. I’m not sure I can call either of those guys bad. I feel confident that RB is one of Scott’s strong positions. I don’t remember the last time you played Jones though, Scott. Are you ready to trade him my way yet? [Editor's Note: I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with Benson's recent suckiness. But he's, before that, not been too shabby. AF is clearly my star, no doubt, with the Colts twins right behind, when not seriously injured. Also, Benson may be sucking, but Jones keeps gobbling up Charles' worth. I think they're both spotty because you don't know week to week who'll get the TD.] 

Team Buffalo vs Hasselbeck’s Last Stand
Kyle wins…again. He’s just having one of those years where no one ever has a good week against him. Solid performances from Peyton and MJD drove the bus this week against Kim’s top-heavy team (zing boob reference for the one female in our league). But seriously outside of QB/RB this week her team put up 16 points. That’s not helping your overcome Kyle’s deal with the devil. How solid have The Law Firm, LT, and McFadden been lately though? I honestly thought the trade of Peterson for those 3 was going to be horribly one-sided and I could not have been more wrong. AP has been sick, scoring 56 points over the last 3 weeks, but sometimes quantity rules over quality. The above trio has scored 122 points over those 3 weeks with one bye and one week missed for injury. That works out to an average of 17.4 points per player per week. I could go for 3 RBs averaging greater than 17 points/week about now. Anyhow, top performer goes to The Law Firm and his 28. Shat the bed award goes to Kellen Winslow with a big fat 0. Kenny Britt gets a pass because his hamstring exploded.

Thoughts On The State Of The League:
-Kyle continues to dominate, all but assured at least a playoff berth at this point. I don’t feel like trying to figure out how certain that is because it’s going to end up being irrelevant.
-There’s a big cluster fuck in the middle with 4 teams at 4-4 and Rob narrowly avoiding becoming the 5th. Things should get interesting down the stretch, though all can take solace in the fact that I will never win any tiebreaker with my point total. [Editor's Note: I'm unclear if this is true. Head-to-head wins might play a role in tiebreakers. Disaster for me.] 
-Ryan and I continue to try to dig our way out of the cellar after questionable starts. In spite of all of Rob’s trash talk, we’re currently the only teams on winning streaks. [Editor's note: I'll believe it when I see it! 
-Scott finally gets another win. Let’s all hope his luck isn’t changing and he’s making a late season push. His team has been a beast for a while now.

Fearless Predictions (or thoughts I pull out of my ass):
Blow Schaub vs Mile High Club – Jason by 20. I can’t pick myself and my team does nothing but disappoint. TO is due for a 0 week.

The Goods vs Rob’s Stupid Name Of The Week – Ryan by one million. That’s all I’m going to say. [Editor's Note: Unfortunately, I don't disagree.] 

Hasselbeck’s Last Stand vs My Team – Travis gets his RBs back and pulls this one out by 3.

Team Buffalo vs Prestige Worldwide – Scott’s last place juggernaut is predicted to score 137 points this week. Yikes. Scott finds his dinosaur and wins by 15.

D Money All Day vs The Frum – ESPN has Drew scoring 131 this week based on predictions. That’s not happening. I feel a Donel bounce back, winning by 7.

And just for emphasis: (Insert disparaging remark about Rob here) [Editor's Note: How about, "Have fun on Trauma Surgery call, Rob."] 

You should probably bump this to front page in a readable format so all can appreciate it.

[Editor's Note: I enjoyed that. Peter, you want to get a chance to do this every year? It's good to get a chance to be scoffed at like I scoff at all of y'all clowns.] 

[Postscript: You know how much of a hassle all of that HTML is? I hate computers.

Wednesday Night Quarterback, Week 7: Extra Late Friday Edition

Ever have one of those weeks where it was just impossible to make a deadline? Yea, it happens. Whatever. No excuses...no mercy!

Welcome to the special MidSeason WNQ team evaluation, where I'll break down each team by its strengths and weaknesses...as well as snark it up while belittling them.

Kyle: Team Buffalo
Record: 6-1
PF: 591 (#7)
PA: 448 (#10) [Note: for PA a #10 rankings means teams have put up the LEAST points against him]
Current Rank: 1
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:20-29
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22

Right now Kyle's team is sitting at the top of the heap, but not for strong team management/explosive players/a balanced team. Right now the prevailing argument is luck. Kyle has played only two of the teams with winning records to this point...and only beat one (and beating me barely counts as beating a team with a winning record). In his showdown with Travis he managed to put up...49 points. Kyle's team has broken 100 points only once (shocking for a one loss team), but does manage to stay mostly in the 80s to 90s. What does this mean? This mean's Kyle's team doesn't seem capable of putting up the numbers most of the rest of teams can week to week, but is less likely to fall apart, also.

Strong Men:
QB: Peyton Manning. Kansas City aside, there are very few more consistent options in the NFL.

Weak Vaginas:
RB: When MJD is about as consistent as you can get at RB, you're in trouble. DeAngelo Williams (or, he who is destined to underperform) has been pretty overall sucky, and remember, this is the team that started Willis McGahee one game this season. And that's it. No other running backs. It's astonishing (and speaks to the strength of the rest of his team) that Kyle even has a winning record. Who said RBs are important? But seriously, Kyle, two back up scrub QBs? You can't bare to drop either Chad Henne or Josh Freeman? Do you really expect to bench Peyton for any games this season?

TE: Really? Jeremy Shockey? How many years must he suck before people stop playing him?

Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs. What a group of misfits...two NYJ receivers who get no points on a routine basis, a just acquired by NE Deion Branch, and a couple of scrubs who every once and a while blow up for 25-40 points (hello, Malcolm Floyd and Kenny Britt). I'd be tempted to sat Kyle just has the pulse on WRs in this league, but really, if my other options were Holmes and Cotchery I'd invest in Kenny Britt, too.

Forecast: Kyle finally gets a chance to play some real teams in the second half. After a cupcake battle in Week 9 vs Scott, Kyle faces a four week stretch of Ryan Good (awful but revitalized), myself (looking for redepemtion?), Donel (he of 200 points per game), and finally Peter (maybe revitalized but mostly awful). I think Kyle walks out of the next 6 weeks 3 and 3 with losses to Donel, one of the "almost-there!" teams (Ryan or Peter) and one to either me or Kim (probably Kim, but hopefully me. At 9-4, though, he'll easily make the playoffs.

Donel: D Money All Day
Record: 5-2
PF: 697 (#1)
PA: 564 (#9)
Current Rank: 2
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:23-26
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22

Donel's team is a beast. Like many winning teams, everyone seems to melt down when playing Donel (though, at #9 in PA, he's still had over 100 more points scored against him than Kyle). But Donel, who has 3 weeks over 100, needs no help from underachievers. As has been witnessed by many (most recently, me), Donel enjoys driving a stake through the heart of the weak. No team thus far this season (with the exception of maybe Travis) has demonstrated the ability to put up this many points. Fear!

Strong Men:
QB: With just Rivers I wouldn't have thought so highly of Donel's QB position, but add in Big Ben? Kaching! Thanks for Kyle Orton, btw.
RB: In Johnson and Jackson, Donel has the perfect balance of explosiveness (Johnson says hello to 30 points!) and consistency (in the past 6 weeks, Jackson has scored between 11-16 points). Sure, Johnson shits the bed here and there. But damn if he isn't a nightmare sometimes. His other RBs may have underachieved, but who needs em?

Weak Vaginas:
TE: I'm stretching here. Donel's team is pretty good.

Ambiguous Genitalia
WR: Roddy White is a beast. Have no doubt. But with Austin Collie out for awhile/ever, Donel's WR group isn't too hot. If Roddy White has a bad day Donel can expect little to nothing from his receivers.

Forecast: Donel gets a couple gimmes before a final four of Kim/Travis/Kyle/Jason. I think he'll be losing no more than one of his next six games (I'd guess Travis has a chance, or Kim. Not Kyle.), and that would finished him off at 10-3. Definitely playoff material.

Travis: My Team
Record: 4-3
PF: 637 (#2)
PA: 571 (#7)
Current Rank: 3
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:24-25
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

I didn't realize this until just now: Travis has the #2 overall points with only one score of over 100. Wow. The answer to why that is is because Travis' low score on the season is 77. As they say, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done. Plus, Travis' opponents have 4 more wins than either Kyle or Donel can claim...though, I'll admit, as Kyle can't play himself, he's destined to play teams with overall less wins. But not necessarily 4 less. So Travis' team has taken a beating...and held up pretty well!

Strong Men:
WR: Six startable WRs?!? It's a fantasy football dream/nightmare. WRs are destined to be up and down, but there's enough explosiveness lurking to a thumbs up.
D/ST: THE STEEL CURTAIN

Weak Vaginas:
TE: A couple of early explosive games aside, I don't love Dustin Keller. Weeeaaaaak saaaauuce.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
QB: Carson Palmer. Wow. Really? Palmer? I know he's been "resurgent" of late (those are ESPN's words, not mine), but I'm not sure I'd give my fantasy livelihood to this guy. That being said, so far I've trusted Favre, Cutler, and Orton with my team, so maybe I should just shaddap.
RB: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can't draft all of Atlanta's RBs and just pray for something good. Disappointment looms. Also, Danny Woodhead starting these week? Prepare to a loss!

Forecast: Travis has the misfortune of another meeting with Donel, but I think Travis has the chance to pull out the win. He also faces two teams that have beaten him before (Jason and Kim), and I'm sure he'll lose one of those. My team, actually, has faced off notriously well as underdogs against Travis, much to his chagrin, so I'm a possible sleeper here. Peter and Drew I'm notching in Travis' win column. I'm thinking 4-2, with a final record of 8-5, definite playoffs.

Rob: BenSon of Sam* (*name probably out of date by the time you read this)
Record: 4-3
PF: 593 (#6)
PA: 648 (#3)
Current Rank: 4 (I'll address this in a second)
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 19-23

First off, why do the standings rank me as 4th? Kim clearly has more PFs than I do, and I thought that was the first tiebreaker...unless it's, gasp, HEAD TO HEAD STANDINGs? Wow, if that is true I'll do a little jig, as I've beaten Kim, Jason, and Ryan, all who might at some point try to haunt me as I struggle for that last playoff spot with my paltry PF. Woohoo! That being said, I'm the first team in the rankings to have a) played against teams with a winning record, b) have an opponents-to-play record with under 20 wins, c) have a negative PF/PA balance (when I lose, I lose big), and d) sort of suck pretty consistently. I'm as astonished as y'all are that I'm in the top 4 (ish).

Strong Men:
RB: I've got 7! Admittedly, one of them is just a handcuff, and one flat out sucks (here's looking at you, Michael Bush), but with Arian Foster occasionally just blowing the fuck up, Cedric Benson proving he's still got some fantasy value, and Addai redeeming himself (when not breaking both ankles), I think RB might be my ONLY strong point.
TE: I lied. Zach Miller is awesome.

Weak Vaginas:
D/ST: The Bears have been nice, but they can't make up for the troubles I've had...

Ambigious Genitalia:
QB: Sure, Orton's great, but I threw away much time on the Brett Favre train. Playing at over 40? He's clearly no Testaverde.
WRs: Sure, they're good something, but THEY'RE ALL F$#@$ HURT! ALL THE TIME!

Forecast: I will lose again to Kyle. I will admit that now. Of my other 5 games, I think I'll win 3 (if I had to guess, I'd say against Scott, Drew, and Peter...though he's burned me before). A 3-3 record would make me 7-6, probably enough for a playoff spot. Then, and only then, will I cackle with evil laughter. Mwahahaha! Whoops, premature cackler.

Kim: Hasselbeck's Last Stand
Record: 4-3
PF: 622 (#4)
PA: 565 (#8)
Current Rank: 5
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:22-27
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19

Kim is really the tale of two teams: first, the team that beat Travis and Donel back-to-back in the opening weeks, as well as destroyed peter 109-37. Second, the team that lost to Drew when he could only put up 71 and who lost to me when only put up 86. Kim's team is bipolar in all of the worst ways; she beats all the top teams and loses to the scrubs...thus assuring herself important tiebreakers when it comes to deciding playoffs spots. Good for her, bad for us.

(Since Kim is a fem, I'll alter the next part for her sake)

Voluptuous Vagines:
RB: AP was a stud...but is replaced by two studs, LT and McFadden. I don't even mind that she's starting Green-Ellis! She's that good!
WR: A little iffy sometimes...but the depth! Welker, Hakeem Nicks, some guy on Seattle who's hot right now...I'll buy it

Flaccis Penii
QB: Sorry, Tom. Your numbers this year suck.

Ambiguous Genitalia
None, really. Kim's players have clearly chosen their teams.

Forecast:Kim'm team is just screaming 3-3 from here on out. She'll probably beat Kyle and Travis as well as one of the 3-4 teams, and lose the rest, including her game with Drew. Kim always does the opposite of what is expected of her. That being said, she might still lose to Kyle this week, which will be a damned shame.

Jason: Blow Schaub (I still love that name)
Record: 3-4
PF: 587 (#8)
PA: 705 (#1)
Current Rank: 6
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:26-23 (rough)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-20 (rough)

Jason: this year the fates conspired against you. Though keeping track of things like opponents records is futile since we all basically play the same people, 3 of the 4 teams you play twice this year have winning records. Everyone puts up tons of points against you (over 100 per game!), and your last three games of the season, the ones that will ultimately make or break your on the fence team, are against Kim, Travis, and Donel. Granted, you're also the blame for your terrible Points For (I feel your pain, brother), and your wanton spending of free agent cash (How much did you pay for Brandon Jackson, again? I think I got him for $15...). But this year everything has been stacked against you. To which I say: mwahahaha! Whoops, slipped again.

Strong Men:
WR: I don't even know most of your WRs...or at least I didn't until you started them and they scored 30 points. How is this possible? You clearly have a knack for picking up players...or you simply pick up so many that you get lucky. Jury's out on that, but your WRs are nothing to scoff at
TE: Grr! Gaaaates!

Weak Vaginas:
RB: This week, Jason will start Mike Hart. (silence)

Ambiguous Genitalia
QB: Schaub this season if either +20 or under 5 on any given week...which would help explain Jason's difficulties winning. I dare him to start Fitzpatrick. The Bills NEVER fail to disappoint. Never. Ever.

Forecast:
So Jason's schedule sucks...for him. I'd say Jason is a trendy spoiler for his final three games but not likely to win any of them. I'd say I do favor him to win the first three...and with an expected flip flop of one (possibly a loss to Peter couple with an upset of Kim), I'd place him at 3-3 with an overall record of 6-7, which in our league tends to make the playoffs at least 66% of the time.

Ryan: The Goods
Record: 3-4
PF: 527 (#9)
PA: 574 (#5)
Current Rank: 7
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 2
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record: 25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

Ryan's team is the exact opposite from last year; now, instead of no one scoring points against him, he scores points against nobody. He's been under 60 points twice, and his play from week to week has ranged from dreadful to lucky. He's rarely looked solid all around...but hey, 3-4 is 3-4, which in our league is nothing to scoff at.

Strong Men:
QB: Drew Brees is solid, if less prolific than last year. This is all Ryan has going for him.

Weak Vaginas:
WRs: Andre Johnson has under performed, Steve Smith is not great, and Lee Evans, one good game aside, is not the answer to Ryan's woes.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
RBs: Well, there's eight of them, so they can't all be bad, right? Ray Rice, Ryan's "anchor" has been all over the place this season, and the rest of his team is scattered with marginal talent and no name scrubs. Blount this week, Ryan? Really?

Forecast: Cloudy. Remember, Ryan is on a two game streak...but I'm not yet buying in. I think he'll prevail twice on his schedule (I'm picking him over Scott and Peter, though I wouldn't put it past him to win three or lose them all. But realistically I'm placing Ryan at 2-4 over the next 6 games, which would put him at 5-8, not enough to make the playoffs.

Peter: Mile High Club
Record: 3-4
PF: 490 (#10)
PA: 588 (#6)
Current Rank: 8
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 4 (disastrous)
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21

Peter has under 500 points in 7 games...and has 3 wins?!?! It's bizarre. He's been under 60 points 4 times...and one of the times he won! That victory is still a big mushroom stamp on the face of our league (thanks, Scott). I should commend Peter that he's actually much improved from previous years...in record only. His team is just as bad. Echoing back to a text I received from Kim, "does Peter try to be bad?" I wouldn't put it past him. This is the guy who for Halloween one year went as "creepy."

Strong Men:
None

Weak Vaginas:
QB: Neither McNabb or Sanchez has had a good fantasy week since Week 3. If only he still had Flacco...oh wait, that wouldn't help much, regardless.
RBs: This is the guy who regularly has to start John Kuhn. He picks up any scrub RB (cough, Forsett) dropped by another team because he's that desperate. Knowshon looked good last week, though, so there's hope.

Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs: There's just so many...and they all have their ups and downs (Except Eddie Royal. Do not want.). I can't fault Pete's WRs...but I can't praise them either. They are the most ambiguous of ambigous genitalia, like a swollen clitoris or something.

Forecast: God, Peter's team boggles my mind. I think Peter could easily lose every game...but I think he'll beat Scott, and I've amassed enough bad Karma against Peter for a million losses...so with a little luck, Peter could go 3-3 and hit 6-7. Playoff bounds? Not without some major tiebreakers, but it'll mark the first time in awhile Peter hasn't been part of the absolute basement.

Drew: The Frum
Record: 2-5
PF: 603 (#5)
PA: 674 (#2)
Current Rank: 9
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:28-21 (the, by far, strongest schedule to date)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21 (NO BREAKS)

Drew is like the Soviet Russia of our league; a lot of hype, but no nuclear weapons. He'll put up plenty of strong performances, but like the Lenins and Stalins of the world, they are simply no match for our own brand of ass-kicking democracy. Drew's team doesn't melt down, but it isn't a 100+ point kind of team, either, and for some reason, everyone he plays seems to get over 100 points (four of his five losses have been to teams scoring 101+ points). He's got a pretty solid team...but he might be in too big of a hole to climb out of.

Strong Men:
QB: Aaron Rodgers = the kind of QB I want. Guaranteed fantasy points, no epic meltdowns, lots of close games for running up passing yards.
RB: As much as I hate Frank Gore, I must give credit where it is due; he's been very beastly this season. Byes hurt Drew this weak (Hello, Tim Hightower), but his RB corp is strong like bull.

Weak Vaginas:
None, actually, but plenty of...

Ambiguous Genitalia
WRs: Good group overall...in the past two weeks. Besides Jennings, I AM NOT CONVINCED. Their spottiness spells trouble

Forecast: I actually think Drew will win 4 of his games, though byes are crushing his soul this week. Hold on, I mean to say Drew has the potential to win 4 games...he probably won't, just because of dumb luck. And 3-3 will not be enough to get him to the playoffs at 5-8. Better luck next year!

Scott: Prestige Worldwide
Record: 1-6 (jeepers)
PF: 624 (#3)
PA: 634 (#3)
Current Rank: Absolutely Last
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:27-22
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19

You don't often see the #3 point scorer in the league sitting at #10 with one win. Oh wait, we did, with Peter, last year. Regardless, Scott's team is the new Peter. He's 1-6 but has a 10 point PF/PA difference. That's not unlucky, it's like, cursed unlucky. Scott is actively cursed. Whether it's God punishing Scott for his easy fourth year medical student schedule, his heavy drinking, or some other sundry sin he's stuffed in his washing machine, Scott is fucked this season. Absolutely fucked. Plus, he's the lucky man who gets to play both Kyle and Donel twice (not helping). He also gets Peter and myself, which is more of a tossup, but hey, he's proven he can lose to us in the past.

Strong Men:
QB: Vick and Flacco = good. This week? Byes! Hello Matthew Stafford. This "strong" rating only applies after this week is well over.
WR: Calvin Johnson picks this year to be awesome. WTF?

Weak Vaginas:
Actually, none. I would have said kicker, but I love Janikowski.

Ambiguous Genitalia
RB: AP good. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones = bad. I'm split. But their not, like, Peter level of bad, or even Travis.

Forecast: Constant thunderstorms. It's impossible to predict Scott's chances because he's proven week in and week out that he is able to lose at a moment's notice, no matter how many points his opponent puts up. A team in out league HAS made the playoffs from 1-6 before (that would be me, year 1, finishing at 6-7 and claiming the 7th/8 playoff spots), so he's not only mathematically in the equation but has precedent for a late comeback...but that schedule, man! At best he'd go 4-2 (not enough), but more realistically I'm calling 2-4 for a basement dwelling 3-10.


Manager's note: I've started compiling data of how well all of our players do from week to week and plan to have a stat-a-palooza towards the end of the season. This will also serve to show how well people drafted, etc. Just a head's up. I'm also going to give out all the regular awards this week, but I've already talked too much, so you'll have to check your trophy catalog for info.

One last thing...

http://www.hulu.com/watch/187738/saturday-night-live-sex-ed-vincent

This is a must see.