Ever have one of those weeks where it was just impossible to make a deadline? Yea, it happens. Whatever. No excuses...no mercy!
Welcome to the special MidSeason WNQ team evaluation, where I'll break down each team by its strengths and weaknesses...as well as snark it up while belittling them.
Kyle: Team Buffalo
Record: 6-1
PF: 591 (#7)
PA: 448 (#10) [Note: for PA a #10 rankings means teams have put up the LEAST points against him]
Current Rank: 1
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:20-29
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22
Right now Kyle's team is sitting at the top of the heap, but not for strong team management/explosive players/a balanced team. Right now the prevailing argument is luck. Kyle has played only two of the teams with winning records to this point...and only beat one (and beating me barely counts as beating a team with a winning record). In his showdown with Travis he managed to put up...49 points. Kyle's team has broken 100 points only once (shocking for a one loss team), but does manage to stay mostly in the 80s to 90s. What does this mean? This mean's Kyle's team doesn't seem capable of putting up the numbers most of the rest of teams can week to week, but is less likely to fall apart, also.
Strong Men:
QB: Peyton Manning. Kansas City aside, there are very few more consistent options in the NFL.
Weak Vaginas:
RB: When MJD is about as consistent as you can get at RB, you're in trouble. DeAngelo Williams (or, he who is destined to underperform) has been pretty overall sucky, and remember, this is the team that started Willis McGahee one game this season. And that's it. No other running backs. It's astonishing (and speaks to the strength of the rest of his team) that Kyle even has a winning record. Who said RBs are important? But seriously, Kyle, two back up scrub QBs? You can't bare to drop either Chad Henne or Josh Freeman? Do you really expect to bench Peyton for any games this season?
TE: Really? Jeremy Shockey? How many years must he suck before people stop playing him?
Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs. What a group of misfits...two NYJ receivers who get no points on a routine basis, a just acquired by NE Deion Branch, and a couple of scrubs who every once and a while blow up for 25-40 points (hello, Malcolm Floyd and Kenny Britt). I'd be tempted to sat Kyle just has the pulse on WRs in this league, but really, if my other options were Holmes and Cotchery I'd invest in Kenny Britt, too.
Forecast: Kyle finally gets a chance to play some real teams in the second half. After a cupcake battle in Week 9 vs Scott, Kyle faces a four week stretch of Ryan Good (awful but revitalized), myself (looking for redepemtion?), Donel (he of 200 points per game), and finally Peter (maybe revitalized but mostly awful). I think Kyle walks out of the next 6 weeks 3 and 3 with losses to Donel, one of the "almost-there!" teams (Ryan or Peter) and one to either me or Kim (probably Kim, but hopefully me. At 9-4, though, he'll easily make the playoffs.
Donel: D Money All Day
Record: 5-2
PF: 697 (#1)
PA: 564 (#9)
Current Rank: 2
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:23-26
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22
Donel's team is a beast. Like many winning teams, everyone seems to melt down when playing Donel (though, at #9 in PA, he's still had over 100 more points scored against him than Kyle). But Donel, who has 3 weeks over 100, needs no help from underachievers. As has been witnessed by many (most recently, me), Donel enjoys driving a stake through the heart of the weak. No team thus far this season (with the exception of maybe Travis) has demonstrated the ability to put up this many points. Fear!
Strong Men:
QB: With just Rivers I wouldn't have thought so highly of Donel's QB position, but add in Big Ben? Kaching! Thanks for Kyle Orton, btw.
RB: In Johnson and Jackson, Donel has the perfect balance of explosiveness (Johnson says hello to 30 points!) and consistency (in the past 6 weeks, Jackson has scored between 11-16 points). Sure, Johnson shits the bed here and there. But damn if he isn't a nightmare sometimes. His other RBs may have underachieved, but who needs em?
Weak Vaginas:
TE: I'm stretching here. Donel's team is pretty good.
Ambiguous Genitalia
WR: Roddy White is a beast. Have no doubt. But with Austin Collie out for awhile/ever, Donel's WR group isn't too hot. If Roddy White has a bad day Donel can expect little to nothing from his receivers.
Forecast: Donel gets a couple gimmes before a final four of Kim/Travis/Kyle/Jason. I think he'll be losing no more than one of his next six games (I'd guess Travis has a chance, or Kim. Not Kyle.), and that would finished him off at 10-3. Definitely playoff material.
Travis: My Team
Record: 4-3
PF: 637 (#2)
PA: 571 (#7)
Current Rank: 3
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:24-25
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
I didn't realize this until just now: Travis has the #2 overall points with only one score of over 100. Wow. The answer to why that is is because Travis' low score on the season is 77. As they say, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done. Plus, Travis' opponents have 4 more wins than either Kyle or Donel can claim...though, I'll admit, as Kyle can't play himself, he's destined to play teams with overall less wins. But not necessarily 4 less. So Travis' team has taken a beating...and held up pretty well!
Strong Men:
WR: Six startable WRs?!? It's a fantasy football dream/nightmare. WRs are destined to be up and down, but there's enough explosiveness lurking to a thumbs up.
D/ST: THE STEEL CURTAIN
Weak Vaginas:
TE: A couple of early explosive games aside, I don't love Dustin Keller. Weeeaaaaak saaaauuce.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
QB: Carson Palmer. Wow. Really? Palmer? I know he's been "resurgent" of late (those are ESPN's words, not mine), but I'm not sure I'd give my fantasy livelihood to this guy. That being said, so far I've trusted Favre, Cutler, and Orton with my team, so maybe I should just shaddap.
RB: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can't draft all of Atlanta's RBs and just pray for something good. Disappointment looms. Also, Danny Woodhead starting these week? Prepare to a loss!
Forecast: Travis has the misfortune of another meeting with Donel, but I think Travis has the chance to pull out the win. He also faces two teams that have beaten him before (Jason and Kim), and I'm sure he'll lose one of those. My team, actually, has faced off notriously well as underdogs against Travis, much to his chagrin, so I'm a possible sleeper here. Peter and Drew I'm notching in Travis' win column. I'm thinking 4-2, with a final record of 8-5, definite playoffs.
Rob: BenSon of Sam* (*name probably out of date by the time you read this)
Record: 4-3
PF: 593 (#6)
PA: 648 (#3)
Current Rank: 4 (I'll address this in a second)
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 19-23
First off, why do the standings rank me as 4th? Kim clearly has more PFs than I do, and I thought that was the first tiebreaker...unless it's, gasp, HEAD TO HEAD STANDINGs? Wow, if that is true I'll do a little jig, as I've beaten Kim, Jason, and Ryan, all who might at some point try to haunt me as I struggle for that last playoff spot with my paltry PF. Woohoo! That being said, I'm the first team in the rankings to have a) played against teams with a winning record, b) have an opponents-to-play record with under 20 wins, c) have a negative PF/PA balance (when I lose, I lose big), and d) sort of suck pretty consistently. I'm as astonished as y'all are that I'm in the top 4 (ish).
Strong Men:
RB: I've got 7! Admittedly, one of them is just a handcuff, and one flat out sucks (here's looking at you, Michael Bush), but with Arian Foster occasionally just blowing the fuck up, Cedric Benson proving he's still got some fantasy value, and Addai redeeming himself (when not breaking both ankles), I think RB might be my ONLY strong point.
TE: I lied. Zach Miller is awesome.
Weak Vaginas:
D/ST: The Bears have been nice, but they can't make up for the troubles I've had...
Ambigious Genitalia:
QB: Sure, Orton's great, but I threw away much time on the Brett Favre train. Playing at over 40? He's clearly no Testaverde.
WRs: Sure, they're good something, but THEY'RE ALL F$#@$ HURT! ALL THE TIME!
Forecast: I will lose again to Kyle. I will admit that now. Of my other 5 games, I think I'll win 3 (if I had to guess, I'd say against Scott, Drew, and Peter...though he's burned me before). A 3-3 record would make me 7-6, probably enough for a playoff spot. Then, and only then, will I cackle with evil laughter. Mwahahaha! Whoops, premature cackler.
Kim: Hasselbeck's Last Stand
Record: 4-3
PF: 622 (#4)
PA: 565 (#8)
Current Rank: 5
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:22-27
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19
Kim is really the tale of two teams: first, the team that beat Travis and Donel back-to-back in the opening weeks, as well as destroyed peter 109-37. Second, the team that lost to Drew when he could only put up 71 and who lost to me when only put up 86. Kim's team is bipolar in all of the worst ways; she beats all the top teams and loses to the scrubs...thus assuring herself important tiebreakers when it comes to deciding playoffs spots. Good for her, bad for us.
(Since Kim is a fem, I'll alter the next part for her sake)
Voluptuous Vagines:
RB: AP was a stud...but is replaced by two studs, LT and McFadden. I don't even mind that she's starting Green-Ellis! She's that good!
WR: A little iffy sometimes...but the depth! Welker, Hakeem Nicks, some guy on Seattle who's hot right now...I'll buy it
Flaccis Penii
QB: Sorry, Tom. Your numbers this year suck.
Ambiguous Genitalia
None, really. Kim's players have clearly chosen their teams.
Forecast:Kim'm team is just screaming 3-3 from here on out. She'll probably beat Kyle and Travis as well as one of the 3-4 teams, and lose the rest, including her game with Drew. Kim always does the opposite of what is expected of her. That being said, she might still lose to Kyle this week, which will be a damned shame.
Jason: Blow Schaub (I still love that name)
Record: 3-4
PF: 587 (#8)
PA: 705 (#1)
Current Rank: 6
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:26-23 (rough)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-20 (rough)
Jason: this year the fates conspired against you. Though keeping track of things like opponents records is futile since we all basically play the same people, 3 of the 4 teams you play twice this year have winning records. Everyone puts up tons of points against you (over 100 per game!), and your last three games of the season, the ones that will ultimately make or break your on the fence team, are against Kim, Travis, and Donel. Granted, you're also the blame for your terrible Points For (I feel your pain, brother), and your wanton spending of free agent cash (How much did you pay for Brandon Jackson, again? I think I got him for $15...). But this year everything has been stacked against you. To which I say: mwahahaha! Whoops, slipped again.
Strong Men:
WR: I don't even know most of your WRs...or at least I didn't until you started them and they scored 30 points. How is this possible? You clearly have a knack for picking up players...or you simply pick up so many that you get lucky. Jury's out on that, but your WRs are nothing to scoff at
TE: Grr! Gaaaates!
Weak Vaginas:
RB: This week, Jason will start Mike Hart. (silence)
Ambiguous Genitalia
QB: Schaub this season if either +20 or under 5 on any given week...which would help explain Jason's difficulties winning. I dare him to start Fitzpatrick. The Bills NEVER fail to disappoint. Never. Ever.
Forecast:
So Jason's schedule sucks...for him. I'd say Jason is a trendy spoiler for his final three games but not likely to win any of them. I'd say I do favor him to win the first three...and with an expected flip flop of one (possibly a loss to Peter couple with an upset of Kim), I'd place him at 3-3 with an overall record of 6-7, which in our league tends to make the playoffs at least 66% of the time.
Ryan: The Goods
Record: 3-4
PF: 527 (#9)
PA: 574 (#5)
Current Rank: 7
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 2
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record: 25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
Ryan's team is the exact opposite from last year; now, instead of no one scoring points against him, he scores points against nobody. He's been under 60 points twice, and his play from week to week has ranged from dreadful to lucky. He's rarely looked solid all around...but hey, 3-4 is 3-4, which in our league is nothing to scoff at.
Strong Men:
QB: Drew Brees is solid, if less prolific than last year. This is all Ryan has going for him.
Weak Vaginas:
WRs: Andre Johnson has under performed, Steve Smith is not great, and Lee Evans, one good game aside, is not the answer to Ryan's woes.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
RBs: Well, there's eight of them, so they can't all be bad, right? Ray Rice, Ryan's "anchor" has been all over the place this season, and the rest of his team is scattered with marginal talent and no name scrubs. Blount this week, Ryan? Really?
Forecast: Cloudy. Remember, Ryan is on a two game streak...but I'm not yet buying in. I think he'll prevail twice on his schedule (I'm picking him over Scott and Peter, though I wouldn't put it past him to win three or lose them all. But realistically I'm placing Ryan at 2-4 over the next 6 games, which would put him at 5-8, not enough to make the playoffs.
Peter: Mile High Club
Record: 3-4
PF: 490 (#10)
PA: 588 (#6)
Current Rank: 8
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 4 (disastrous)
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
Peter has under 500 points in 7 games...and has 3 wins?!?! It's bizarre. He's been under 60 points 4 times...and one of the times he won! That victory is still a big mushroom stamp on the face of our league (thanks, Scott). I should commend Peter that he's actually much improved from previous years...in record only. His team is just as bad. Echoing back to a text I received from Kim, "does Peter try to be bad?" I wouldn't put it past him. This is the guy who for Halloween one year went as "creepy."
Strong Men:
None
Weak Vaginas:
QB: Neither McNabb or Sanchez has had a good fantasy week since Week 3. If only he still had Flacco...oh wait, that wouldn't help much, regardless.
RBs: This is the guy who regularly has to start John Kuhn. He picks up any scrub RB (cough, Forsett) dropped by another team because he's that desperate. Knowshon looked good last week, though, so there's hope.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs: There's just so many...and they all have their ups and downs (Except Eddie Royal. Do not want.). I can't fault Pete's WRs...but I can't praise them either. They are the most ambiguous of ambigous genitalia, like a swollen clitoris or something.
Forecast: God, Peter's team boggles my mind. I think Peter could easily lose every game...but I think he'll beat Scott, and I've amassed enough bad Karma against Peter for a million losses...so with a little luck, Peter could go 3-3 and hit 6-7. Playoff bounds? Not without some major tiebreakers, but it'll mark the first time in awhile Peter hasn't been part of the absolute basement.
Drew: The Frum
Record: 2-5
PF: 603 (#5)
PA: 674 (#2)
Current Rank: 9
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:28-21 (the, by far, strongest schedule to date)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21 (NO BREAKS)
Drew is like the Soviet Russia of our league; a lot of hype, but no nuclear weapons. He'll put up plenty of strong performances, but like the Lenins and Stalins of the world, they are simply no match for our own brand of ass-kicking democracy. Drew's team doesn't melt down, but it isn't a 100+ point kind of team, either, and for some reason, everyone he plays seems to get over 100 points (four of his five losses have been to teams scoring 101+ points). He's got a pretty solid team...but he might be in too big of a hole to climb out of.
Strong Men:
QB: Aaron Rodgers = the kind of QB I want. Guaranteed fantasy points, no epic meltdowns, lots of close games for running up passing yards.
RB: As much as I hate Frank Gore, I must give credit where it is due; he's been very beastly this season. Byes hurt Drew this weak (Hello, Tim Hightower), but his RB corp is strong like bull.
Weak Vaginas:
None, actually, but plenty of...
Ambiguous Genitalia
WRs: Good group overall...in the past two weeks. Besides Jennings, I AM NOT CONVINCED. Their spottiness spells trouble
Forecast: I actually think Drew will win 4 of his games, though byes are crushing his soul this week. Hold on, I mean to say Drew has the potential to win 4 games...he probably won't, just because of dumb luck. And 3-3 will not be enough to get him to the playoffs at 5-8. Better luck next year!
Scott: Prestige Worldwide
Record: 1-6 (jeepers)
PF: 624 (#3)
PA: 634 (#3)
Current Rank: Absolutely Last
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:27-22
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19
You don't often see the #3 point scorer in the league sitting at #10 with one win. Oh wait, we did, with Peter, last year. Regardless, Scott's team is the new Peter. He's 1-6 but has a 10 point PF/PA difference. That's not unlucky, it's like, cursed unlucky. Scott is actively cursed. Whether it's God punishing Scott for his easy fourth year medical student schedule, his heavy drinking, or some other sundry sin he's stuffed in his washing machine, Scott is fucked this season. Absolutely fucked. Plus, he's the lucky man who gets to play both Kyle and Donel twice (not helping). He also gets Peter and myself, which is more of a tossup, but hey, he's proven he can lose to us in the past.
Strong Men:
QB: Vick and Flacco = good. This week? Byes! Hello Matthew Stafford. This "strong" rating only applies after this week is well over.
WR: Calvin Johnson picks this year to be awesome. WTF?
Weak Vaginas:
Actually, none. I would have said kicker, but I love Janikowski.
Ambiguous Genitalia
RB: AP good. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones = bad. I'm split. But their not, like, Peter level of bad, or even Travis.
Forecast: Constant thunderstorms. It's impossible to predict Scott's chances because he's proven week in and week out that he is able to lose at a moment's notice, no matter how many points his opponent puts up. A team in out league HAS made the playoffs from 1-6 before (that would be me, year 1, finishing at 6-7 and claiming the 7th/8 playoff spots), so he's not only mathematically in the equation but has precedent for a late comeback...but that schedule, man! At best he'd go 4-2 (not enough), but more realistically I'm calling 2-4 for a basement dwelling 3-10.
Manager's note: I've started compiling data of how well all of our players do from week to week and plan to have a stat-a-palooza towards the end of the season. This will also serve to show how well people drafted, etc. Just a head's up. I'm also going to give out all the regular awards this week, but I've already talked too much, so you'll have to check your trophy catalog for info.
One last thing...
http://www.hulu.com/watch/187738/saturday-night-live-sex-ed-vincent
This is a must see.
Welcome to the special MidSeason WNQ team evaluation, where I'll break down each team by its strengths and weaknesses...as well as snark it up while belittling them.
Kyle: Team Buffalo
Record: 6-1
PF: 591 (#7)
PA: 448 (#10) [Note: for PA a #10 rankings means teams have put up the LEAST points against him]
Current Rank: 1
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:20-29
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22
Right now Kyle's team is sitting at the top of the heap, but not for strong team management/explosive players/a balanced team. Right now the prevailing argument is luck. Kyle has played only two of the teams with winning records to this point...and only beat one (and beating me barely counts as beating a team with a winning record). In his showdown with Travis he managed to put up...49 points. Kyle's team has broken 100 points only once (shocking for a one loss team), but does manage to stay mostly in the 80s to 90s. What does this mean? This mean's Kyle's team doesn't seem capable of putting up the numbers most of the rest of teams can week to week, but is less likely to fall apart, also.
Strong Men:
QB: Peyton Manning. Kansas City aside, there are very few more consistent options in the NFL.
Weak Vaginas:
RB: When MJD is about as consistent as you can get at RB, you're in trouble. DeAngelo Williams (or, he who is destined to underperform) has been pretty overall sucky, and remember, this is the team that started Willis McGahee one game this season. And that's it. No other running backs. It's astonishing (and speaks to the strength of the rest of his team) that Kyle even has a winning record. Who said RBs are important? But seriously, Kyle, two back up scrub QBs? You can't bare to drop either Chad Henne or Josh Freeman? Do you really expect to bench Peyton for any games this season?
TE: Really? Jeremy Shockey? How many years must he suck before people stop playing him?
Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs. What a group of misfits...two NYJ receivers who get no points on a routine basis, a just acquired by NE Deion Branch, and a couple of scrubs who every once and a while blow up for 25-40 points (hello, Malcolm Floyd and Kenny Britt). I'd be tempted to sat Kyle just has the pulse on WRs in this league, but really, if my other options were Holmes and Cotchery I'd invest in Kenny Britt, too.
Forecast: Kyle finally gets a chance to play some real teams in the second half. After a cupcake battle in Week 9 vs Scott, Kyle faces a four week stretch of Ryan Good (awful but revitalized), myself (looking for redepemtion?), Donel (he of 200 points per game), and finally Peter (maybe revitalized but mostly awful). I think Kyle walks out of the next 6 weeks 3 and 3 with losses to Donel, one of the "almost-there!" teams (Ryan or Peter) and one to either me or Kim (probably Kim, but hopefully me. At 9-4, though, he'll easily make the playoffs.
Donel: D Money All Day
Record: 5-2
PF: 697 (#1)
PA: 564 (#9)
Current Rank: 2
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:23-26
Opponents-To-Come Record: 20-22
Donel's team is a beast. Like many winning teams, everyone seems to melt down when playing Donel (though, at #9 in PA, he's still had over 100 more points scored against him than Kyle). But Donel, who has 3 weeks over 100, needs no help from underachievers. As has been witnessed by many (most recently, me), Donel enjoys driving a stake through the heart of the weak. No team thus far this season (with the exception of maybe Travis) has demonstrated the ability to put up this many points. Fear!
Strong Men:
QB: With just Rivers I wouldn't have thought so highly of Donel's QB position, but add in Big Ben? Kaching! Thanks for Kyle Orton, btw.
RB: In Johnson and Jackson, Donel has the perfect balance of explosiveness (Johnson says hello to 30 points!) and consistency (in the past 6 weeks, Jackson has scored between 11-16 points). Sure, Johnson shits the bed here and there. But damn if he isn't a nightmare sometimes. His other RBs may have underachieved, but who needs em?
Weak Vaginas:
TE: I'm stretching here. Donel's team is pretty good.
Ambiguous Genitalia
WR: Roddy White is a beast. Have no doubt. But with Austin Collie out for awhile/ever, Donel's WR group isn't too hot. If Roddy White has a bad day Donel can expect little to nothing from his receivers.
Forecast: Donel gets a couple gimmes before a final four of Kim/Travis/Kyle/Jason. I think he'll be losing no more than one of his next six games (I'd guess Travis has a chance, or Kim. Not Kyle.), and that would finished him off at 10-3. Definitely playoff material.
Travis: My Team
Record: 4-3
PF: 637 (#2)
PA: 571 (#7)
Current Rank: 3
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:24-25
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
I didn't realize this until just now: Travis has the #2 overall points with only one score of over 100. Wow. The answer to why that is is because Travis' low score on the season is 77. As they say, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done. Plus, Travis' opponents have 4 more wins than either Kyle or Donel can claim...though, I'll admit, as Kyle can't play himself, he's destined to play teams with overall less wins. But not necessarily 4 less. So Travis' team has taken a beating...and held up pretty well!
Strong Men:
WR: Six startable WRs?!? It's a fantasy football dream/nightmare. WRs are destined to be up and down, but there's enough explosiveness lurking to a thumbs up.
D/ST: THE STEEL CURTAIN
Weak Vaginas:
TE: A couple of early explosive games aside, I don't love Dustin Keller. Weeeaaaaak saaaauuce.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
QB: Carson Palmer. Wow. Really? Palmer? I know he's been "resurgent" of late (those are ESPN's words, not mine), but I'm not sure I'd give my fantasy livelihood to this guy. That being said, so far I've trusted Favre, Cutler, and Orton with my team, so maybe I should just shaddap.
RB: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can't draft all of Atlanta's RBs and just pray for something good. Disappointment looms. Also, Danny Woodhead starting these week? Prepare to a loss!
Forecast: Travis has the misfortune of another meeting with Donel, but I think Travis has the chance to pull out the win. He also faces two teams that have beaten him before (Jason and Kim), and I'm sure he'll lose one of those. My team, actually, has faced off notriously well as underdogs against Travis, much to his chagrin, so I'm a possible sleeper here. Peter and Drew I'm notching in Travis' win column. I'm thinking 4-2, with a final record of 8-5, definite playoffs.
Rob: BenSon of Sam* (*name probably out of date by the time you read this)
Record: 4-3
PF: 593 (#6)
PA: 648 (#3)
Current Rank: 4 (I'll address this in a second)
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 19-23
First off, why do the standings rank me as 4th? Kim clearly has more PFs than I do, and I thought that was the first tiebreaker...unless it's, gasp, HEAD TO HEAD STANDINGs? Wow, if that is true I'll do a little jig, as I've beaten Kim, Jason, and Ryan, all who might at some point try to haunt me as I struggle for that last playoff spot with my paltry PF. Woohoo! That being said, I'm the first team in the rankings to have a) played against teams with a winning record, b) have an opponents-to-play record with under 20 wins, c) have a negative PF/PA balance (when I lose, I lose big), and d) sort of suck pretty consistently. I'm as astonished as y'all are that I'm in the top 4 (ish).
Strong Men:
RB: I've got 7! Admittedly, one of them is just a handcuff, and one flat out sucks (here's looking at you, Michael Bush), but with Arian Foster occasionally just blowing the fuck up, Cedric Benson proving he's still got some fantasy value, and Addai redeeming himself (when not breaking both ankles), I think RB might be my ONLY strong point.
TE: I lied. Zach Miller is awesome.
Weak Vaginas:
D/ST: The Bears have been nice, but they can't make up for the troubles I've had...
Ambigious Genitalia:
QB: Sure, Orton's great, but I threw away much time on the Brett Favre train. Playing at over 40? He's clearly no Testaverde.
WRs: Sure, they're good something, but THEY'RE ALL F$#@$ HURT! ALL THE TIME!
Forecast: I will lose again to Kyle. I will admit that now. Of my other 5 games, I think I'll win 3 (if I had to guess, I'd say against Scott, Drew, and Peter...though he's burned me before). A 3-3 record would make me 7-6, probably enough for a playoff spot. Then, and only then, will I cackle with evil laughter. Mwahahaha! Whoops, premature cackler.
Kim: Hasselbeck's Last Stand
Record: 4-3
PF: 622 (#4)
PA: 565 (#8)
Current Rank: 5
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:22-27
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19
Kim is really the tale of two teams: first, the team that beat Travis and Donel back-to-back in the opening weeks, as well as destroyed peter 109-37. Second, the team that lost to Drew when he could only put up 71 and who lost to me when only put up 86. Kim's team is bipolar in all of the worst ways; she beats all the top teams and loses to the scrubs...thus assuring herself important tiebreakers when it comes to deciding playoffs spots. Good for her, bad for us.
(Since Kim is a fem, I'll alter the next part for her sake)
Voluptuous Vagines:
RB: AP was a stud...but is replaced by two studs, LT and McFadden. I don't even mind that she's starting Green-Ellis! She's that good!
WR: A little iffy sometimes...but the depth! Welker, Hakeem Nicks, some guy on Seattle who's hot right now...I'll buy it
Flaccis Penii
QB: Sorry, Tom. Your numbers this year suck.
Ambiguous Genitalia
None, really. Kim's players have clearly chosen their teams.
Forecast:Kim'm team is just screaming 3-3 from here on out. She'll probably beat Kyle and Travis as well as one of the 3-4 teams, and lose the rest, including her game with Drew. Kim always does the opposite of what is expected of her. That being said, she might still lose to Kyle this week, which will be a damned shame.
Jason: Blow Schaub (I still love that name)
Record: 3-4
PF: 587 (#8)
PA: 705 (#1)
Current Rank: 6
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:26-23 (rough)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-20 (rough)
Jason: this year the fates conspired against you. Though keeping track of things like opponents records is futile since we all basically play the same people, 3 of the 4 teams you play twice this year have winning records. Everyone puts up tons of points against you (over 100 per game!), and your last three games of the season, the ones that will ultimately make or break your on the fence team, are against Kim, Travis, and Donel. Granted, you're also the blame for your terrible Points For (I feel your pain, brother), and your wanton spending of free agent cash (How much did you pay for Brandon Jackson, again? I think I got him for $15...). But this year everything has been stacked against you. To which I say: mwahahaha! Whoops, slipped again.
Strong Men:
WR: I don't even know most of your WRs...or at least I didn't until you started them and they scored 30 points. How is this possible? You clearly have a knack for picking up players...or you simply pick up so many that you get lucky. Jury's out on that, but your WRs are nothing to scoff at
TE: Grr! Gaaaates!
Weak Vaginas:
RB: This week, Jason will start Mike Hart. (silence)
Ambiguous Genitalia
QB: Schaub this season if either +20 or under 5 on any given week...which would help explain Jason's difficulties winning. I dare him to start Fitzpatrick. The Bills NEVER fail to disappoint. Never. Ever.
Forecast:
So Jason's schedule sucks...for him. I'd say Jason is a trendy spoiler for his final three games but not likely to win any of them. I'd say I do favor him to win the first three...and with an expected flip flop of one (possibly a loss to Peter couple with an upset of Kim), I'd place him at 3-3 with an overall record of 6-7, which in our league tends to make the playoffs at least 66% of the time.
Ryan: The Goods
Record: 3-4
PF: 527 (#9)
PA: 574 (#5)
Current Rank: 7
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 2
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record: 25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
Ryan's team is the exact opposite from last year; now, instead of no one scoring points against him, he scores points against nobody. He's been under 60 points twice, and his play from week to week has ranged from dreadful to lucky. He's rarely looked solid all around...but hey, 3-4 is 3-4, which in our league is nothing to scoff at.
Strong Men:
QB: Drew Brees is solid, if less prolific than last year. This is all Ryan has going for him.
Weak Vaginas:
WRs: Andre Johnson has under performed, Steve Smith is not great, and Lee Evans, one good game aside, is not the answer to Ryan's woes.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
RBs: Well, there's eight of them, so they can't all be bad, right? Ray Rice, Ryan's "anchor" has been all over the place this season, and the rest of his team is scattered with marginal talent and no name scrubs. Blount this week, Ryan? Really?
Forecast: Cloudy. Remember, Ryan is on a two game streak...but I'm not yet buying in. I think he'll prevail twice on his schedule (I'm picking him over Scott and Peter, though I wouldn't put it past him to win three or lose them all. But realistically I'm placing Ryan at 2-4 over the next 6 games, which would put him at 5-8, not enough to make the playoffs.
Peter: Mile High Club
Record: 3-4
PF: 490 (#10)
PA: 588 (#6)
Current Rank: 8
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 2
Weeks under 60 pts: 4 (disastrous)
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:25-24
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21
Peter has under 500 points in 7 games...and has 3 wins?!?! It's bizarre. He's been under 60 points 4 times...and one of the times he won! That victory is still a big mushroom stamp on the face of our league (thanks, Scott). I should commend Peter that he's actually much improved from previous years...in record only. His team is just as bad. Echoing back to a text I received from Kim, "does Peter try to be bad?" I wouldn't put it past him. This is the guy who for Halloween one year went as "creepy."
Strong Men:
None
Weak Vaginas:
QB: Neither McNabb or Sanchez has had a good fantasy week since Week 3. If only he still had Flacco...oh wait, that wouldn't help much, regardless.
RBs: This is the guy who regularly has to start John Kuhn. He picks up any scrub RB (cough, Forsett) dropped by another team because he's that desperate. Knowshon looked good last week, though, so there's hope.
Ambiguous Genitalia:
WRs: There's just so many...and they all have their ups and downs (Except Eddie Royal. Do not want.). I can't fault Pete's WRs...but I can't praise them either. They are the most ambiguous of ambigous genitalia, like a swollen clitoris or something.
Forecast: God, Peter's team boggles my mind. I think Peter could easily lose every game...but I think he'll beat Scott, and I've amassed enough bad Karma against Peter for a million losses...so with a little luck, Peter could go 3-3 and hit 6-7. Playoff bounds? Not without some major tiebreakers, but it'll mark the first time in awhile Peter hasn't been part of the absolute basement.
Drew: The Frum
Record: 2-5
PF: 603 (#5)
PA: 674 (#2)
Current Rank: 9
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 1
Weeks under 60 pts: 0
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:28-21 (the, by far, strongest schedule to date)
Opponents-To-Come Record: 21-21 (NO BREAKS)
Drew is like the Soviet Russia of our league; a lot of hype, but no nuclear weapons. He'll put up plenty of strong performances, but like the Lenins and Stalins of the world, they are simply no match for our own brand of ass-kicking democracy. Drew's team doesn't melt down, but it isn't a 100+ point kind of team, either, and for some reason, everyone he plays seems to get over 100 points (four of his five losses have been to teams scoring 101+ points). He's got a pretty solid team...but he might be in too big of a hole to climb out of.
Strong Men:
QB: Aaron Rodgers = the kind of QB I want. Guaranteed fantasy points, no epic meltdowns, lots of close games for running up passing yards.
RB: As much as I hate Frank Gore, I must give credit where it is due; he's been very beastly this season. Byes hurt Drew this weak (Hello, Tim Hightower), but his RB corp is strong like bull.
Weak Vaginas:
None, actually, but plenty of...
Ambiguous Genitalia
WRs: Good group overall...in the past two weeks. Besides Jennings, I AM NOT CONVINCED. Their spottiness spells trouble
Forecast: I actually think Drew will win 4 of his games, though byes are crushing his soul this week. Hold on, I mean to say Drew has the potential to win 4 games...he probably won't, just because of dumb luck. And 3-3 will not be enough to get him to the playoffs at 5-8. Better luck next year!
Scott: Prestige Worldwide
Record: 1-6 (jeepers)
PF: 624 (#3)
PA: 634 (#3)
Current Rank: Absolutely Last
Weeks breaking 100 pts: 3
Weeks under 60 pts: 1
Opponents-Played-Thus-Far Record:27-22
Opponents-To-Come Record: 23-19
You don't often see the #3 point scorer in the league sitting at #10 with one win. Oh wait, we did, with Peter, last year. Regardless, Scott's team is the new Peter. He's 1-6 but has a 10 point PF/PA difference. That's not unlucky, it's like, cursed unlucky. Scott is actively cursed. Whether it's God punishing Scott for his easy fourth year medical student schedule, his heavy drinking, or some other sundry sin he's stuffed in his washing machine, Scott is fucked this season. Absolutely fucked. Plus, he's the lucky man who gets to play both Kyle and Donel twice (not helping). He also gets Peter and myself, which is more of a tossup, but hey, he's proven he can lose to us in the past.
Strong Men:
QB: Vick and Flacco = good. This week? Byes! Hello Matthew Stafford. This "strong" rating only applies after this week is well over.
WR: Calvin Johnson picks this year to be awesome. WTF?
Weak Vaginas:
Actually, none. I would have said kicker, but I love Janikowski.
Ambiguous Genitalia
RB: AP good. Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones = bad. I'm split. But their not, like, Peter level of bad, or even Travis.
Forecast: Constant thunderstorms. It's impossible to predict Scott's chances because he's proven week in and week out that he is able to lose at a moment's notice, no matter how many points his opponent puts up. A team in out league HAS made the playoffs from 1-6 before (that would be me, year 1, finishing at 6-7 and claiming the 7th/8 playoff spots), so he's not only mathematically in the equation but has precedent for a late comeback...but that schedule, man! At best he'd go 4-2 (not enough), but more realistically I'm calling 2-4 for a basement dwelling 3-10.
Manager's note: I've started compiling data of how well all of our players do from week to week and plan to have a stat-a-palooza towards the end of the season. This will also serve to show how well people drafted, etc. Just a head's up. I'm also going to give out all the regular awards this week, but I've already talked too much, so you'll have to check your trophy catalog for info.
One last thing...
http://www.hulu.com/watch/187738/saturday-night-live-sex-ed-vincent
This is a must see.
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