Week 7: WNQ Pt II:Rivalries

You’ll probably never believe this, but I actually had Part II of this week’s WNQ done relatively on time this week. While I was flying to Orlando I actually had it all typed up on my iPad before I even landed. Feeling satisfied with my work, I took a quick nap…since my flight had departed at 6 am. When I got to my hotel, I planned to hook into the wireless and post it up. Only when I opened my bag I realized my iPad wasn’t there. It was still in the front pocket of my seat on the plane.

Of course, United Airlines was unhelpful. All there were able to tell me is that after dropping me off the plane was off to “somewhere in Mexico.” Translation: iPad is dead (or at least sold on the black market and refurbished from drug dealing purposes).

But enough whining from me. This post is supposed to be about our first rivalry week! (I think it was probably better the first time. But hopefully it's still good

As some of you might remember, I handcrafted the schedule this year with the goal of creating some rivalries. I had tried this in the past with the whole “divisions” thing, but no one really cares about winning within their division when it does nothing for their overall ability to make the playoffs.

So I took a note from the Big Ten. The Big Ten created rivalries from, well, existing rivalries. In that same fashion, I tried to pick logical parings that would have something to fight about. Some of these rivalries ended up better than others. For example, Jon has less history in our league than everyone else and thus had less time to develop strong intra-FF rivalries. Kim, also, provided a challenge, being above some of our petty med school rivalries for the most part. Occasionally I stretched it. Think Nebraska-Penn State in the Big Ten: some of these rivalries were manufactured to sell tickets.

As if bragging rights weren’t enough, I shall also give out trophy points for these! The ultimate, useless aspect of the ESPN league that means nothing has been neglected for too long. I will make sure we use every last drop of resource that ESPN has to offer.

The Overanalyzer Cup: Rob vs. Scott

Scott and I have, over the years, crossed paths many times in battle for drafting players, battle for free agents, battle for playoffs spot, etc. This, at least in part, is because of our individual overuse of the same resources. We’re both big TMR fans, and though I can’t feign to know everything Scott does to prepare for fantasy football, I constantly find myself at odds with him. When I thought I could steal Arian Foster late in the auction two years ago at bargain basement prices, Scott had the same idea, leading to a bidding war. Every time I think I’ve found a player no one wants, Scott finds him. The worst part about it is that he happens to do everything better. See his two championship to my zero. CURSE YOU SCOTT BAKER. You will be destroyed.

What this means to their (our) seasons: Scott’s team is (fortunately) in disarray. My team is awash with lost potential. Due to our respective terrible PF, we each need a big week to help give us some edge in general tiebreakers. Also, though Scott has a tie to his name to help give him in the edge, I have no such luxury, and will likely need one more win than the majority of the pack to make the playoffs. A win in week 7 could potentially save each of our seasons.

The Plate of Eternal Damnation: Jon vs. Peter

Anyone who has been reading these posts knows about PES. As the originator of the disease, Peter has moved to the tertiary stage of unluckiness. Constant player injuries, repeated close losses, and general bad will against him in general…the list of tertiary PES symptoms go on and on. Jon, meanwhile, being the most recently infected, has the chance to go toe to toe with the man who infected him! With his current downward trajectory, his chance of full on PES—a terminal illness—is dangerously high.

What this means for their season: Quite a bit. As current bottom feeders, both of them need a win if they want any chance of breaking out of the league’s ghetto. Also, since we’re all so tightly mixed, a single win means a lot right now, and advancement opportunities are high.

The Primary Care Bear: Ryan vs. Kim

Fine. Maybe I’m stretching. But let’s look at this: of all of the people we hang out with (in any form), Ryan and Kim are the only people I know who moved on to be PCPs. While the rest of us will be rolling in the big bucks, they’ll be rubbing runny noses, diagnosing influenza, and living in a double wide. Who wouldn’t be angry about this? GET YOUR RAGE ON.

What this means for their season: Kim is in a fairly good place to make the playoffs if she can maintain a .500 record, thanks to her tie. Every win counts. Ryan is, well, terrible, and needs wins desperately.

The Beast Bowl: Kyle vs. Donel

I think we can all agree that Kyle and Donel are beasts. Donel is the man who found the only research lab in the recreation center so he wouldn’t need to be far from his precious barbells. And anyone present for Kyle repeatedly crushing grown men into the snow (while half-naked, unfortunately) in a totally unnecessary wrestling tournament will have no questions to his status as a beast. But there can only be one.

What this means for their season: Neither Kyle nor Donel are terrible…well, maybe Donel is a bit terrible. But as is the norm this season…it’s kind of anyone game.

The Roommate Ring: Travis vs. Jason

Nostalgia time: Remember Travis and Jason living in the same apartment? For four years running? I do. Two southern boys (so what if Jason is from Ohio? IT DOESN’T WORK FOR THIS STORY) transplanted to the cold north, united against your standard Midwesterners for four years before getting married to their respective southern women and making four billion dollars each. It’s all very heartwarming. What people may no remember is when Travis and Jason got drunk at Alex Kuo’s house and had a wrestling match that ended in a bloody nose for Jason. Their rivalry might be a little more on the friendly side, but I’m hoping that bringing up this old dirt will make them want to smash each others face in.

What this means for their season: This one’s simple: they’re essentially fighting for a bye week. Though it’s still early and anything can happen, they each have an inside track for the playoffs and, potentially, a guaranteed 4th or higher finish.

The Frenemy Plaque: Ryan Davis vs. Drew

Nostalgia time part II: now this is a rivalry we can get behind. We’re all familiar with the Ryan and Drew bromance. When Drew first came to Ann Arbor he slept on Ryan Davis’ couch for a month. This blossomed into a cross-nation friendship that visited multiple states and led to (I assume) mutual groomsmanship in each other’s weddings. But, lest we forget, there have been some rough times in the friendship of Davis and Drew. The fights. The Tears. Pizza-Slap-Face-Gate. Ryan vs. Drew is a tale as old as time. WHO SHALL WIN?

What this means for their season: Playoffs are within both of their grasps. Another win for Drew means more distance between him and the pack. A win for Ryan could bring Drew back to the group…and elevate Ryan near first place. 

Week 7: WNQ Makes a Triumphant Return! (Part 1)

So it occurred to me that this week I have a lot to write about. In part because we’re nearing the exact middle of the season and teams have somewhat defined themselves. However, it’s also been apparent that I have been shirking my Commissioner duties for the past few weeks and been putting out subpar to nonexistent WNQ. Well this week, THAT WILL ALL CHANGE. I’ve got plenty to talk about, and plenty of time. Bring it, world.

What We Know So Far

Drew Flum (Rice A Roni)
5-1 (1st)
PF 588 (1st)
PA 525 (5th)

Drew is currently the class of the league. With the highest PF and the best record, he’s sitting pretty for a probably playoff spot. He’s had four weeks with 98 points or better, and only one truly bad week, a 69 point performance that was still able to eke out a win all the way back in week 2.

How is he doing it? He’s got a 1-2 punch at QB of intermittently great and average Matt Schaub and Michael Vick. He’s got the #2 RB Ray Rice and another top 30 in Matt Forte to cover him. He has a bevy of WR options (5 in the top 40…start thinking of your trades now, boys), including two of the top 10. Having the bears D/ST also doesn’t hurt. And it’s not like he’s just cruising against bad teams. His opponents are averaging a not shabby 87.5 points per game. Lets hear it for the boys.

Records This Season: None (But the Bears have been close, with two games at 23 pts, the 11th best ever in our league)

Fines This Season: None

Travis Langley (My Team)
4-2 (2ND)
PF 546 (3rd)
PA 529 (4th)

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Travis is again in position to have a great season only to fall apart in the playoffs. We knew this was going to happen. It happens every year. Perennial Maid of Honor Travis is again crossing his fingers he’ll catch the bouquet and have a chance to have his own big day, but we know better. It’s not going to last.

Which is not to say that he’s been lucky. He’s putting up points (see his 109-105 victory over myself in Week 4) against people putting up points, as seen by his PF/PA. Like everyone else this season, he’s got WRs to spare, but his lack of options at RB will likely be his downfall. When your number one RB is Doug Martin, only sadness can await you

Records This Season: None, but Marques Colston 31 pts and Jordy Nelson: 30 pts have come close

Fines This Season: None


Jason Feuerman (Smirnoff Matty Ice)
4-2 (3rd)
PF 532 (5th)
PA 524 (6th)

He’s back, isn’t he? We all knew this day would come. It’s like that Disney movie where the poor, abandoned child Arthur pulls the sword from the stone and comes to rule all of England and fuck his sister. Only instead of rooting for conquest/incest, we were thoroughly enjoying the poverty and despair of Jason and are now entering the part where he becomes an evil despot and slits our throats. Curse you Jason Feuerman, and your little dog too!

But all is not lost. Jewish Malifecent ™ has been very consistent but has failed to score over 100 points. Consistency, a hallmark of the Travis Langley teams of yore, is a kiss of death in the playoffs. And this is not a team without problems, as his paltry 79 points showed last week. His RB situation is fantastic, and with AJ Green and Torrey Smith, he’s got a solid top 2 and WR. Heck, even his QB (Matt Ryan) and his K and D/ST are good. Fine. His team is pretty great. Long live the Evil Queen.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Ryan Davis (Gingers With Souls)
4-2 (4th)
PF 524 (6th)
PA 460 (12th)

Well look at this! The Historical Worst Team Ever has not done too poorly for himself thus far! With four wins, he’s a good bet for a playoff birth—though the season is still young, and better Ryans have had more wins at this point and missed the playoffs. Regardless, Ryan has already surpassed his win total from Season 1 and will consider this season a win regardless of what sort of meltdown his team might have.

One caveat to all the mea culpas, however. Ryan Davis currently has the least number of points against of any team in the league. He’s still doing fairly well for himself in the scoring department, but he’s definitely benefitting from some below average play from his opponents.

Beyond some strong QB options in Flacco and Manning, Good Ole Ginger is actually a little bit soft. His RBs are terrible (like, Travis terrible), and his two TEs have an average ranking of 49th (and guess which one he’s starting this week? Hint: it’s not the good one). He’s got some strengths at WR, but his team is a big question mark if his opponents begin turning up the heat.

Records This Season:
Week 4: 119 TTP good for highest team point total ever
Week 4: 49ers D/ST 29 pts (#3 D/ST)

Fines This Season: None


Kyle Bohm (Buffalo Bonecrushers)
3-3 (5th)
PF 480 (9th)
PA 522 (7th)

Now we’re getting into a stretch in the middle I like to call the filling of the league. The first four teams have had strong overall showings and are kind of like the crisp French bread of the sandwich. The people in the middle are fighting for their chance to be the meat. Some will rise to the occasional and do so; some will be lettuce, and lettuce sucks.

Kyle’s hussling right now. He knows his team isn’t great. He has not hit triple digits at all this year, but still does have three wins to his name. He’s got a variety of above average players but few stars, and his WR core is surprisingly average, given the shear number of options out there. He’s also got a shit show at RB, but who doesn’t.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Rob Huang (Break Your Hartline)
3-3 (6th)
PF 473 (11th)
PA 489 (11th)

Like my patients, my team is terribly bipolar. One week I score 105, the next week I score 59. I’m one of the lowest scoring teams in the league…but no one will score any points against me! Another fun fact: I have won every game I’ve scored less than 75 points, but lost every game in which I’ve scored more. How sad is that?

My team’s kind of a mess. My RB situation is, in a word, dismal, and I’ve got a plethora of hit or miss WRs. And please, lets never talk about my QB situation. I’m going to need some luck to make it to the playoffs.

Records This Season: None, but Brian Hartline was so close with 31

Fines This Season: None


Kim Vanderzee (The One Girl)
2-3-1 (7th)
PF 478 (10th)
PA 501 (8th)

Could that tie on Kim’s record be a sign? The only time Kim made the playoffs, she snuck in with a 6-6-1 record, beating multiple 6-7 teams due to sheer luck. After pulling off the tie yet again, it’s too early to say whether or not she’ll return to the dance, but she does have a significant statistical advantage.

Her team, however, is kind of abysmal. After Tony Gonzalez, there is a big drop off in the quality of her players. I’m not counting Reggie Wayne, because I know Reggie Wayne only causes sadness. She has shown to ability to explode in a 104-82 win over Travis…though to be fair, it seems like Kim always beats Travis. She’s actually 2-3 against him all time, but if you consider that two of the losses are during her inaugural season of sadness, she’s not doing half bad.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Scott Baker (Diaper Money)
2-3-1 (8th)
PF 447 (12th)
PA 561(1st)

It’s the rare team that manages to combine scoring the least points with getting the most points scored against him. But Scott has no ordinary team. It takes work to get beat 130 to 45. I had officially written Scott’s team off as dead…and then he drops 125 points this week after never breaking 80 in five weeks of play. Could we be reaching a turning point? Time will tell…

My guess is, however, that last week was a fluke. His players are generally terrible, and he manages to have my four least favorite RBs of all time: Shonn Greene, Peyton Hillis, DeAngelo Williams, and Donald Brown. If he had Joseph Addai he’d have the full set. Also, mark my words: Shonn Greene will never score 34 fantasy points again. Ever

Records This Season: Nate Keading in Week 1, 18 pts (#6 K)

Fines This Season: None


Jon Godin (Godin Beats It)
2-4 (9th)
PF 568 (2nd)
PA 540 (2nd)

Godin has one unlucky team. He’s scored under 80 points exactly once, and he has a 145 point game to his name. He’s the second highest scoring team, but has only two wins to show for it. The reason? Peter Emiley Syndrome (PES): no matter how many points Jon scores, his opponent scores more. The bad news for Jon is that PES is like syphilis; if you don’t treat it early, you’ve got it forever.

It’s a good thing, too, because his team is RD. He has a top 5 player at QB, RB, WR, TE, and D/ST. Watching Jon’s team lose is so ridiculous I want to set myself on fire. He’s got hands down the best team in the league. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

Records This Season: Aaron Rodgers Week 6, 38 pts (#4 QB, #9 Overall)

Fines This Season: None


Donel Sequea (D Sizzle)
2-4 (10th)
PF 545 (4th)
PA 538 (3rd)

Speaking of underachievers…has anyone seen Donel’s team? Here’s his scoring totals week by week: 100 – 81 - 81 - 90 - 130 – 65. Doesn’t that seem like he’d have 3, maybe 4 wins? Donel is another team whom people love to score against, early and often. Peter has clearly been spreading PES around the league. Let this be a warning to all those who get a little frisky with Peter.

Donel has six players ranked in the top 10 at their position, and three more in the top 20. Yet he’s wasting all of his roster room with 3 total QBs, which he knows he’ll never use. Almost as baffling as Jon Godin

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: $4 (failed to start a D/ST and K in Week 2…and still beat Jason!)


Ryan Good (White Roddy’s)
2-4 (11th)
PF 515 (7th)
PA 498 (10th)

It’s funny how Donel, Godin and Ryan are alike: they’re all good teams being accidentally screwed. Let’s compare for a second. All of these teams represent teams under .500 despite PF > PA. All have generally strong line ups, but all of them just can’t seem to get it done. I really do think one of these teams will rise from the ashes, but I’m not sure who yet.

Everything I said about Donel and Godin is the same for Ryan. He’s got six top 10 players and an overall fairly strong lineup…yet he can’t win for the life of him. He’s a couple wins away from advancing 6 places, though, so the door is open.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Peter Emiley (Hide Your ACLs)
2-4 (12th)
PF 491 (8th)
PA 500 (9th)

We’ve gotten use to Secondary PES Peter teams, the ones who score a million points but lose by one point every week. Now we’re heading into Tertiary PES territory: the gummas are taking over, and Peter is generally sucking. The worst is that he’s trending down; his past two games have been his worst two games. Here’s hoping it stays this way so we all get some easy wins down the stretch!

Peter seems to be the only person who failed to pick up a bevy of good WR. With the resurgence of Brandon Lloyd, this may be changing, but it’s odd that with all of the other teams being so WR heavy, Peter has only one Top 30 WR.

Records This Season: None

Fines This Season: None


Stay tuned later this week for Part 2. Remember, Week 7 is our first rivalry week, and I’ll be posting more about these in the next 1-2 days (likely while I’m sitting in the airport). 

A short week 3-4 WNQ

I've been very bad.

Not like, kill someone in cold blood or kick a puppy bad, but I have been lazy/overworked bad. What that means for you is no WNQ last week. I'll try to do better. This week and for the rest of the month.

The big problem right now is that I don't have a laptop. Last week I was in Washington DC interviewing for a position at Georgetown. This week I'm flying to Henry Ford. All of next week I'll be in Denver at the American College of Emergency Physicians conference, and then the next week I'm doing the famed Nebraska to Phoenix to Orlando to Nebraska cross country jaunt.

But enough about me. One quick story before I get into meat of this post. As some of you may know, I love a good email storm. Probably not as much as Peter, but I'm probably one of their biggest fans in the world. For those who don't know, Wikipedia defines an email storm as "a sudden spike of reply all messages on an email distribution list, usually caused by a controversial or misdirected message." I've been a huge fan of these ever since Women's Bible Study 2006 crashed the University of Michigan email system.

Yesterday, a woman named Vicki Daly sent an email to the "Resident and Student Advisory Committee" telling them about the time of an ACEP meeting time. It is unclear to me who is supposed to be on this committee, but I can assure you that I am not one of them. I originally thought about replying, but then realize I couldn't possibly be part of this meeting and ignored it.

Since then 44 messages have been generated over the course of about 16 hours. The initial flurry of emails expressed confusion as to what this meeting is and why all of us are supposed to be there. This was followed by a couple of well-meant yet misguided emails about how this was sent to them in error. As is classic for an email storm, this set off a flurry of emails requesting to be removed from the list...of course in Reply All form. This response led to another wave of "stop replying to all you losers!" Meanwhile, the doctors of emergency medicine, who are clearly no better than your average 16 year old girl, continued to reply to all asking to be taken off the list while other grown men and women called them idiots. A couple of emails betting the over/under of the emails also generated (the line is unofficially at 60). As of this morning the emails are still coming.

It's a great email storm. It'll likely continue until whatever beleaguered, tech-averse physician realizes she totally fucked up her list-serve fixes it. It's also good information to have because it's a snapshot of EM physicians behaving light unprofessional children. I hope to get the chance to meet some of these people so I can judge them.

But now, isn't this a fantasy football post?

It's extremely interesting trying to recap two weeks...mostly because it is impossible. With the parity in this league as it is, most teams performed like two different teams in Weeks 3 and 4.

After my embarrassing win over Jon in Week 3 (73-57) where Jake Locker scored over 35% of my total points, I had a respectable 109-105 defeat at the hands of Travis, which I managed without a QB at all.

Godin, meanwhile, rebounded with 91 points in Week 4 but continues to look, well, average. After an explosive start, Jon has settled back to the middle of the pack. Travis has continually made the statement that 12 teams = chaos, with too much parity. While its too soon to really tell, Godin's team's massive swings is concerning.

Also on the rebound: Ryan Davis, who like Godin is awash in inconsistency. One player who is NOT is Kim, the reigning champion of the tie. Also, her team is terrible.

This post is short, and it's because I can only type on my iPad for so long before I go insane. More updates later this week or early next week, including some more details about stats/fines.