WNQ Week 2 Presents: Last Second Quarterback Edition

I’ve noticed a pattern within myself…and that pattern is the inability to get WNQ done before Friday. This is not a temporary setback, but a more chronic issue. I’ve considered what I can do to fix this, and the answers are…nothing. So everyone will have to deal.

On the plus side, that allows me time to analyze the FAA on Wednesday, and to ruminate about what I’ll be writing about. So hopefully these will be come more focused and less rambling.

This will also be a little bit shorter because I have to go to some slutty 2-years old's birthday party. Oh hi Peter, didn't realize you were here. I'll be at your house in an hour.

Top Thoughts from Week 2

1) I don’t keep track of statistics on trends, but my 90+ point jump from my Week 1 50.3 to my Week 2 141.8 is staggering, and easily the biggest week to week jump of any team ever. For those of you who thought my team was dead…think again! In related news, I jumped from 12^th place to 6^th place over the course of one game…from bottom of the barrel to playoff contender! I’d argue that if there would ever be a jump like this it would be in Week 2, but that doesn’t diminish the sheer amount of shifting luck that occurred for me.

2) It does seem, however, that I may be the only team whose fortunes have changed. At the end of two weeks we have five undefeated teams and five teams without a win. The only people to reverse luck from Week 1 to Week 2 were myself and Drew, who lost to Donel. And through pure chance, only one game features a battle of the undefeateds next week, as well as one featuring two teams yet to win. So, realistically, we could be headed towards further disparity between the wins and win-nots.

3) Guys, don’t let Kyle’s 81.3 points fool you. He was capital-B Bad this week. Were it not for a monster performance by Aaron Rodgers, Kyle would have finished with 52.7 points. Even if A-Rodg had had just an averahe performance, say, 15 points, Kyle still would have had an execrable 67.7.

4) One bitten, twice shy: After starting Cam Newton in Week 1 to the tune of “declared inactive one minute before the game,” I steered clear this week and missed a 19.1 point performance. I have no one but myself to blame.

5) You know you’re going to have a good week when: You look at your D/ST byline and it says “4 Fumble Recoveries.” See: Patriots D/ST, Week 2.

6) Joining Kyle in the “definitely bad” list of teams, Ryan Good just looks awful. 61.5 points with only three players about 10 points, with a high of 11 from Tony “Put Me Out of My Misery” Romo. Perhaps worst of all for Ryan is that his bench was equally bad, with only Michael Crabtree representing a reasonable option, ever.

7) Scott: I’m still mad about Giovani Bernard. That is all.

8) You know whose team looks good? Ryan Davis (currently a favorite to win the first inaugural Ryan Cup) scored 110.7 points by getting good performances from just about everyone on his roster who isn’t Michael Floyd. With the injury to Mark Ingram and the fact that Arian Foster can only take so much punishment before his vegan bones crumble, the question remains as to whether or not he can keep it up.

9) Peter drafted both Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson. I obviously don’t need to tell you about how that turned out for both of them. It’s officially everyone: The Curse of Peter has returned. He’s no longer out for just their ACLs; now Peter wants to make sure he can decimate their careers and legacies irrevocably. I’m thinking of calling it The Curse of Peter 2: This Time It’s Personal.

10) This week, Human Jason handily beat Robot Jason, though their combined entity still lost to Dane “Girth Monster” Genther. With only 13.5 point from Charles and Lynch, Robot Jason looked a bit shaky this week. Human Jason was able to put together 70.6…and if he had benched Robot Jason entirely, he would have finished with 103.3 points via the power of Knile Davis and Robert Turbin. He still would have lost, but it would have given humanity something to cheer about, I suppose.

11) I’m officially going to stop talking about Dane’s team. His mishmash of has-beens and never-weres continue to be amazing. Maybe if I stop talking smack about him the universe will finally let Frank Gore’s weary bones dissolve into dust.

12) You know who I will talk about? Travis. Like, OMG, guys, Travi’s team is TERRIBLE. When you need a 25.5 point performance from Jay Cutler to break 50 points, that is devastating. Now, I recognize this is not entirely his fault; AJ Green’s turf toe could not have been predicted, but damn, how bad was everyone else? When you’re starting RBs score 4.4 points between them…yikes. On a positive note, Travis scored 56 points on his bench from just five players (one of whom is the terrible Toby Gerhart), almost enough to beat his starting nine.

If Travis continues down this road, it’ll be more fun to watch him play himself than anyone else. Let’s watch the weekly matchup of Travis vs. Bizarro Travis who represents the parts of Travis’ brain he isn’t using. Bizarro Travis is a family medicine doctor who loves patient contact. He lives in Maine because he’s super into eco-friendly housing and loves rustic, hippie living. Oh, and he only drinks clear alcohol. I’m so intrigued by this Bizarro Travis I’m not even sure who to root for.

13) The name I gave Kim is not looking as prophetic as I once thought. Kim continue to play not-bad fantasy football, which seems to be enough. I’m reserving my judgment for a few weeks because Kim has fooled me, I don’t know, EVERY DAMN TIME but starting 2-0 and then stumbling to like a 4-9 finish.

14) Does anyone else think Donel should trade Josh Gordon to Peter as a sacrifice to the fantasy football gods? Clearly they belong together.

15) Guys: don’t try to trade with Drew for LeSean McCoy. He isn’t doing it. It doesn’t matter how shitty the players you’re offering him are.

Seriously though, I’m interested in your thoughts. Say I offered any two of Zac Stacy, Darren Sproles, and Stevan Ridley for LeSean McCoy. Would you consider taking it? I agree McCoy is probably a safer all around choice…but I’m not sure I could turn that down if my other available RBs were Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, and Dexter McCluster (or, as I tend to call them, a “do not draft list.”). Was I crazy to offering this trade? I didn’t think I was, but if so, let me know, and I’ll try better next time.

Fun Baby Fact of the Week

Lori and I have progressed to the point that no matter where we are or who we are with, when a baby cries, we have the visceral reaction of horror, sleeplessness, and infanticide. I hear every new parent goes through this. It is really stellar. When I start doing Peds Emergency shifts next month I’m going to be a nervous wreck.

Free Agent Auction: Gearing Up for Week 3

The most hilarious thing happened, guys.

After a poor Week 1 performance, Scott dropped Antonio Gates, whom he drafted for $3.

Then, in Week 2, Gate scored three touchdowns and officially became a TE Messiah for all of us stuck with the Witten’s and Pitta’s of the world.

So, naturally, Scott puts in $28 in an attempt to snag him back.

This is hilarious. Scott was willing to pay 8 times more to fix his mistake…which, given that FAA dollars are technically twice as valuable as draft dollars (200 vs 100 total), that means Scott made a mistake worth 16x the player’s draft value.

But it gets better. Scott didn’t even succeed! Peter snuck up from behind with a $35 bid and snatched him away!

So to recap:

1) Scott makes terrible mistake.

2) Scott performs embarrassing gesture emphasizing how terrible of a mistake it was.

3) Peter fucks Scott.

4) Scott is left without Antonio Gates, is publicly humiliated, and was fucked by Peter.

5) Donel bids $1 for Antonio Gates, proving he is the real fool.

This was the best. I love it. I’m so happy we only have five bench spots. My life is complete forever.

I suppose other things happened (like Ryan Good overbidding on Donald “Do Not Draft” Brown by $16), but I can’t even deal with that right now. I’m too overstimulated.

Ryan Cup Results

(Isn’t it too bad they’re not both named Davis? Then I could call it the Davis Cup.)

Ryan Davis: 110.7

Ryan Good: 61.5

That puts Davis at 2 wins and Ryan at 0. The battle for the title of “Ryan” continues next week.

Random Thing

I found this picture online in January and have been saving it on my desktop for this very moment.

WNQ, Week 1: Season 8 Begins, A Delinquent Commissioner, and the Inanity of Fantasy Football

Let me ask...has there ever been a week when fantasy football feels less relevant? On an average week during the NFL season, I probably have 5+ conversations a week about fantasy football...with people whom I do not play fantasy football. Colleagues are talking about how the Patriot collapse fucked their lives. The nurses are discussing who is up and who is down. The residents are commiserating about their joint-league.

This week, it's like Ray Rice, Roger Goodell, and the entire poorly handled punishment/botched cover up/sad reset seems to be hanging like a cloud over everything. Watching football on Thursday (no longer on the NFL network! WHAT WILL I DO WITH MYSELF?) was really the worst. The fact that the Ravens were a) playing and b) winning convincingly did not help. Could there be a less compelling time to care about fantasy football? Probably not...but I suppose the show must go on.

I apologize for my WNQ delinquency. I could blame the baby, but she mostly just eats and sleeps on a schedule right now so I would just be lying. The specific problem I'm having is that I took off the first eleven days of the month, you know, helping with the baby, so now all I do is work all the time. So until my work schedule clears up (the last weekend of September), I'll be a bit aloof.

But not so aloof that I don't have plenty of things to say. Let's analyze Week 1.

Top Thoughts from Week 1

1) In a battle of the laughably bad, Scott beat me 74.7 to 50.3. Part of my poor showing is directly related to starting a QB who was ruled inactive at the last second, but I mean, even if Cam Newton had put up a Matt Stafford-like 30, I still would have had one of the bottom 5 scores of the week.

2) Speaking of bottom 5 scores, Scott won a game with the third worst score of any team. Travis lost despite posting the fourth highest.

3) If my bench played my starters, my starters would have eked out a win 50.3 to 42.1. This is despite the fact that benches now only have five players.

4) Without Stafford's 30-point game, Scott wouldn't have managed to beat me. I realize it's unlikely a starting QB scores 0 points, but that says something for how bad Scott also was.

5) I'd like to personally thank Ryan Davis for taking Wes Welker (and thus not allowing me to). Concussions aside, Party Monster Wes Welker will be spending four weeks spirit walking in the Rocky Mountains with glowsticks. Thank you, Ryda. Couldn't happen to a bigger douche.

6) Speaking of bad teams, Ryan Good posted the second lowest score of the week in a 72.9 to 92.8 loss to Dane. While Ryan's score is 1-800-NOTGOOD (pun intended), it isn't as bad as it seems. The -7 from the Saints D/ST hurts. If he had gotten even an average 7 points out of his defense, he'd have a perfectly respectable 87 points.

7) Non D/ST players who manage to finish with negative points hold a special place in my heart. While I particularly favor players who just can't stop making mistakes, I also enjoy those who within minutes of the game starting make a terrible error and are either injured or benched. Kudos then, to Peter's Bernard Pierce, he managed a -0.3 points for the week, making him my favorite player.

8) I TOLD EVERYONE CORDARELLE PATTERSON WOULD BE AWESOME. FUCK YOU KIM, I HATE YOU FOR DRAFTING HIM. Unless you want to trade? I'll give you Danny Woodhead.

9) Can I just take a minute to informally poll the audience? Peter Emiley (aka League Asshole) has commented that he thinks nearly all of our team names are stupid...especially the ones with player puns. I will admit puns are not for everyone, and I agree that "My Team," and "The Goods," are particularly uninspired team names. That being said..."Criminal Minds?" I get it, you've got a bunch of hoodlums on your team. News flash: all of our players are hoodlums. Even the white receiver in Denver is getting suspended for dropping acid. Is Criminal Minds the best thing you could come up with? Which is funnier: "Criminal Minds" or ANY OTHER TEAM NAME EVER?

10) Robot Jason vs Human Jason evaluation: Marshawn Lynch, so infamous drafted by Robot Jason while Human Jason was driving home from his like 8 pm Eye Flap Clinic, scored 24.4 points last week, about 1/3 of his total score. His next highest scoring player, Philip Rivers, scored just 12.5. Even factoring in that Jamaal Charles didn't do much of anything, Robot Jason is still carrying about 1/3 of the team, and no doubt will attempt to stage a coup in the next few weeks.

11) I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out which Ryan I'm going to refer to as Ryan/A and which one would be Ryan/B. Since I have nothing better to do with my time, I then hypothesized a theoretical world where Ryan Davis and Ryan Good only ever play each other, week after week, for the title of True Ryan (Tryan?). In the Battle of Ryans, Ryan Davis holds the 1-0 advantage, as he won 100.1 to 72.9 this weak over his counterpart. Since typing full names sucks, I've decided only one can retain the title of "Ryan," and whoever wins the Ryan battle will from hence forth be the only Ryan, as far as I'm concerned. In the case of a loss, I'll refer to Davis only as Ginger. For Ryan Good, it will be Streaker.

12) Both Drew and Travis look like they could go all the way, based off my extremely large sample size of 1. That being said, I relish every Travis loss (since they happen so infrequently, it's fun to consider the ramifications of his 0-1 start before his inevitable march to the playoffs), especially when he was one start of Knowshon Moreno or Chris Ivory away from total victory.

13) Remember how much money was spent on Jimmy Graham[$54]? Well, Julius Thomas[$26] scored 28.4 points, and Jimmy Graham scored 8.2. I've have repeatedly railed on the fact that a TE needs to be pretty damn good to be 2-54 times as expensive as the fifth best alternative, and I'll be watching closely how Mr. Graham performs this season. I feel like I'll be vindicated.

14) Of the six winners last week, four of them were Kim, Dane, Ryan Davis, and Donel. What do you suppose the Vegas odds on this quartet winning their first game? 100-1? 200-1?

Not to knock on any of the individual teams (except Dane's, whose is the worst), but I'll admit none of said teams have a legacy of victory (caveat: technically Dane always makes the playoffs. n=1), and the season is still young, but I'll be interested to see if we see some shake up in the rankings this year...assuming that doesn't mean I stay in 12th for the rest of the season.

Free Agent Auction: Gearing up for Week 2

In perhaps the biggest story of the week, Jason managed to pay only a scant $6 for a player on the FAA. At this point last year, Jason had under $10, so clearly he is making important strides.

Picking up where he left off, meanwhile, is Donel, who paid $57 this week for the exciting quarter of James Starks (i.e.: just the worst RB ever), Justin "Chronic Underperformer" Forsett, Josh Gordon (who?) and Delanie Walker (who 2x?). I am confident this will work out well for him. Meanwhile, Ryan Good picked up Kelvin Benjamin for $27. Finally, besides some D/ST changes no one cares about, I picked up Jake Locker in an attempt to field a QB this week. Fingers crossed.

I will admit to absolutely loving the free agent auction. Specifically, I love logging in and snickering to myself how much people think certain players are worth when, clearly, no one else thought this.

This week, however, we got the opposite: drama. I love FAA drama. Let's start at the top...

Kelvin Benjamin

Winning bid: Ryan Good, $27

Runner Up: Ryan Davis $15

Better Luck Next Time: Travis $3

I will go on record saying $27 for a rookie WR after Week 1 who was playing with the backup QB is a risky proposition. On one hand, maybe he only gets better when Cam Newton returns. On the other, maybe Cam Newton finds the name Kelvin pretentious, and doesn't trust WRs with two first names. Benjamin remains a risky prospect at best, and Ryan Good clearly expected the going price to be more along the lines of $25, not the measly $15 Ryan Davis put up.

I also love when there is an expensive bidding war and someone puts in a bid not even in the same time zone as what everyone else was bidding. Nice $3 bid, Travis. Real strong. I will stop to point out that Travis is the least likely person to bet the house on nonsense, though, so he may end up as the real winner here.

Justin Forsett

Winning bid: Donel $22
Runner Up: Peter $18
Also In Contention: Dane $16
Better Luck Next Time: Kim $10, Jason $6

This was by far the best FAA, a five person duel with three bids within $6 (also, Kim bidding on a former Seahawk, and Jason erroneously listening to the advice we've given him to spend less $$$). You gotta feel for Peter and Dane, who clearly recognized the value of picking up Forsett but were unable to snag him. Despite the high price tag, Donel barely overbid. Very smart

Josh Gordon

Winning bid: Donel $15
Ha ha: Peter $1

This is the exact opposite situation of what I just described. Dumb Donel.

Jake Locker

Winning bid: Rob $5
Runner up: Ryan Good...$5

The first tie breaker bid of the season, and I come out victorious! I suppose it pays to be in 12th place and to break all FAA ties. I considered bidding $1, as I thought, "who else could possibly want a QB right now?" Good job, me.