WNQ Week 2 Presents: Last Second Quarterback Edition

I’ve noticed a pattern within myself…and that pattern is the inability to get WNQ done before Friday. This is not a temporary setback, but a more chronic issue. I’ve considered what I can do to fix this, and the answers are…nothing. So everyone will have to deal.

On the plus side, that allows me time to analyze the FAA on Wednesday, and to ruminate about what I’ll be writing about. So hopefully these will be come more focused and less rambling.

This will also be a little bit shorter because I have to go to some slutty 2-years old's birthday party. Oh hi Peter, didn't realize you were here. I'll be at your house in an hour.

Top Thoughts from Week 2

1) I don’t keep track of statistics on trends, but my 90+ point jump from my Week 1 50.3 to my Week 2 141.8 is staggering, and easily the biggest week to week jump of any team ever. For those of you who thought my team was dead…think again! In related news, I jumped from 12^th place to 6^th place over the course of one game…from bottom of the barrel to playoff contender! I’d argue that if there would ever be a jump like this it would be in Week 2, but that doesn’t diminish the sheer amount of shifting luck that occurred for me.

2) It does seem, however, that I may be the only team whose fortunes have changed. At the end of two weeks we have five undefeated teams and five teams without a win. The only people to reverse luck from Week 1 to Week 2 were myself and Drew, who lost to Donel. And through pure chance, only one game features a battle of the undefeateds next week, as well as one featuring two teams yet to win. So, realistically, we could be headed towards further disparity between the wins and win-nots.

3) Guys, don’t let Kyle’s 81.3 points fool you. He was capital-B Bad this week. Were it not for a monster performance by Aaron Rodgers, Kyle would have finished with 52.7 points. Even if A-Rodg had had just an averahe performance, say, 15 points, Kyle still would have had an execrable 67.7.

4) One bitten, twice shy: After starting Cam Newton in Week 1 to the tune of “declared inactive one minute before the game,” I steered clear this week and missed a 19.1 point performance. I have no one but myself to blame.

5) You know you’re going to have a good week when: You look at your D/ST byline and it says “4 Fumble Recoveries.” See: Patriots D/ST, Week 2.

6) Joining Kyle in the “definitely bad” list of teams, Ryan Good just looks awful. 61.5 points with only three players about 10 points, with a high of 11 from Tony “Put Me Out of My Misery” Romo. Perhaps worst of all for Ryan is that his bench was equally bad, with only Michael Crabtree representing a reasonable option, ever.

7) Scott: I’m still mad about Giovani Bernard. That is all.

8) You know whose team looks good? Ryan Davis (currently a favorite to win the first inaugural Ryan Cup) scored 110.7 points by getting good performances from just about everyone on his roster who isn’t Michael Floyd. With the injury to Mark Ingram and the fact that Arian Foster can only take so much punishment before his vegan bones crumble, the question remains as to whether or not he can keep it up.

9) Peter drafted both Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson. I obviously don’t need to tell you about how that turned out for both of them. It’s officially everyone: The Curse of Peter has returned. He’s no longer out for just their ACLs; now Peter wants to make sure he can decimate their careers and legacies irrevocably. I’m thinking of calling it The Curse of Peter 2: This Time It’s Personal.

10) This week, Human Jason handily beat Robot Jason, though their combined entity still lost to Dane “Girth Monster” Genther. With only 13.5 point from Charles and Lynch, Robot Jason looked a bit shaky this week. Human Jason was able to put together 70.6…and if he had benched Robot Jason entirely, he would have finished with 103.3 points via the power of Knile Davis and Robert Turbin. He still would have lost, but it would have given humanity something to cheer about, I suppose.

11) I’m officially going to stop talking about Dane’s team. His mishmash of has-beens and never-weres continue to be amazing. Maybe if I stop talking smack about him the universe will finally let Frank Gore’s weary bones dissolve into dust.

12) You know who I will talk about? Travis. Like, OMG, guys, Travi’s team is TERRIBLE. When you need a 25.5 point performance from Jay Cutler to break 50 points, that is devastating. Now, I recognize this is not entirely his fault; AJ Green’s turf toe could not have been predicted, but damn, how bad was everyone else? When you’re starting RBs score 4.4 points between them…yikes. On a positive note, Travis scored 56 points on his bench from just five players (one of whom is the terrible Toby Gerhart), almost enough to beat his starting nine.

If Travis continues down this road, it’ll be more fun to watch him play himself than anyone else. Let’s watch the weekly matchup of Travis vs. Bizarro Travis who represents the parts of Travis’ brain he isn’t using. Bizarro Travis is a family medicine doctor who loves patient contact. He lives in Maine because he’s super into eco-friendly housing and loves rustic, hippie living. Oh, and he only drinks clear alcohol. I’m so intrigued by this Bizarro Travis I’m not even sure who to root for.

13) The name I gave Kim is not looking as prophetic as I once thought. Kim continue to play not-bad fantasy football, which seems to be enough. I’m reserving my judgment for a few weeks because Kim has fooled me, I don’t know, EVERY DAMN TIME but starting 2-0 and then stumbling to like a 4-9 finish.

14) Does anyone else think Donel should trade Josh Gordon to Peter as a sacrifice to the fantasy football gods? Clearly they belong together.

15) Guys: don’t try to trade with Drew for LeSean McCoy. He isn’t doing it. It doesn’t matter how shitty the players you’re offering him are.

Seriously though, I’m interested in your thoughts. Say I offered any two of Zac Stacy, Darren Sproles, and Stevan Ridley for LeSean McCoy. Would you consider taking it? I agree McCoy is probably a safer all around choice…but I’m not sure I could turn that down if my other available RBs were Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, and Dexter McCluster (or, as I tend to call them, a “do not draft list.”). Was I crazy to offering this trade? I didn’t think I was, but if so, let me know, and I’ll try better next time.

Fun Baby Fact of the Week

Lori and I have progressed to the point that no matter where we are or who we are with, when a baby cries, we have the visceral reaction of horror, sleeplessness, and infanticide. I hear every new parent goes through this. It is really stellar. When I start doing Peds Emergency shifts next month I’m going to be a nervous wreck.

Free Agent Auction: Gearing Up for Week 3

The most hilarious thing happened, guys.

After a poor Week 1 performance, Scott dropped Antonio Gates, whom he drafted for $3.

Then, in Week 2, Gate scored three touchdowns and officially became a TE Messiah for all of us stuck with the Witten’s and Pitta’s of the world.

So, naturally, Scott puts in $28 in an attempt to snag him back.

This is hilarious. Scott was willing to pay 8 times more to fix his mistake…which, given that FAA dollars are technically twice as valuable as draft dollars (200 vs 100 total), that means Scott made a mistake worth 16x the player’s draft value.

But it gets better. Scott didn’t even succeed! Peter snuck up from behind with a $35 bid and snatched him away!

So to recap:

1) Scott makes terrible mistake.

2) Scott performs embarrassing gesture emphasizing how terrible of a mistake it was.

3) Peter fucks Scott.

4) Scott is left without Antonio Gates, is publicly humiliated, and was fucked by Peter.

5) Donel bids $1 for Antonio Gates, proving he is the real fool.

This was the best. I love it. I’m so happy we only have five bench spots. My life is complete forever.

I suppose other things happened (like Ryan Good overbidding on Donald “Do Not Draft” Brown by $16), but I can’t even deal with that right now. I’m too overstimulated.

Ryan Cup Results

(Isn’t it too bad they’re not both named Davis? Then I could call it the Davis Cup.)

Ryan Davis: 110.7

Ryan Good: 61.5

That puts Davis at 2 wins and Ryan at 0. The battle for the title of “Ryan” continues next week.

Random Thing

I found this picture online in January and have been saving it on my desktop for this very moment.