Wednesday Night Quarterback: Week 3: Shame, Shame, Shame

Karma police, arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He's like a detuned radio

This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us

I'm not a religious person, but over the course of this week of fantasy football you could say I had a spiritual awakening. I have realized the error of my drunken, spendthriftl ways. It's time for WNQ (does 4 pm count as night? I hope so, or you can add lying to my list of sins) to repent and reform.

I love joking about karma, but this week it came back to bite me hard. The teams who I've given too much free press to? God smote them with a team Langley thunderbolt. The teams who I've done nothing but verbally shit upon for two weeks? Yahweh himself proved he will always protect the jews against the heretical lesbians. Oh, and Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/whoever decided it was time for Peter to strike back after all my degrading comments, on the wings of Anquan Boldin. Anquan...is that a holy name? Sounds like it.

So here, for you, I offer my karmic penance.

1) I was wrong about jumping on Donel's bandwagon. Sure, he's still the highest scoring team in our league. But 1-2? He's 1-2? It's not even like his opponents are playing that much better than him; he's ranked only 4th on total points against. What is happening to this team? I'm not jumping off the bandwagon yet (there's a lot of trash in our league, myself included), but this wagon has already lost a wheel, the oxen are sick, and I think we're about the ford a river. Dysentery pending.

2) A sobering statistic: based off the 2009 ESPN fantasy football database, only 27% of teams that started 1-2 made the playoffs last year. I can tell you for a fact that out number this year will be higher than that as six (six!) teams are currently 1-2, meaning that even if we all managed to not win another game 2 of us have to make the playoffs by sheer lack of other options. Fellow bottomfeeders: fear not! 2 of the 6 of us are guaranteed a first round playoff loss!

3) Speaking of six (six!) 1-2 teams, our league is looking a lot more...well, balanced than last year. We don't have Peter and or Kim sitting at 0-7 at the bottom of the league or Ryan racking up 6 wins before losing straight through for the rest of the season. Kyle's our lone undefeated team. So all of us are much better (or worse?) than I had originally thought.

4) Karma check: Peter is 2-1. That's right. Peter of the 216 total offensive points, which would be anemic and awful were it not for Ryan Good who clocks in with 200 after three games. When did the universe start liking Peter? God, I'm sorry I offended you. Can you now put the world back in order and hand me a win for last week? Don't I deserve it for all this groveling?

5) Karma check: The case of Fever and Baker. After both lived down to my expectations during the first two weeks, they both decided to say "shut the fuck up Rob" and score 106 points, tops in week 3. Uh oh! I smell angry ex-emperors vengeful to reclaim the throne!

6) Pun alert: Why, Fever's team sure is "hot" right now. Wow, so is Baker's team. Baker is really lighting the burner under his team. Fever's team is so hot it's shattering my thermometer. I can't believe I didn't realize this connection before!

7) Not-quite-karma check: Sorry Kim, you can't win every game.

8) Reasons to not spend ten minutes every wednesday belittling your friends: see my team. The entirety of it. Also, now that I'm benching Favre you can bet the universe is going to let him be good again. You'll see.

9) I've seen a lot of advice for picking D/ST based on matchups. I'm here to tell you that all bloggers who report that can suck big black penis. Through three weeks I've got -4 fantasy points from my defense. I NOW TRUST NO ONE. I'm going to throw a part the first time I get a fantasy defense point. Right now 0 is my season high.

Text message of the week

Peter: My WR's are trying to beat you by themselves. They're down 8 right now.

Peter: I'll trade you buckhalter [for addai] straight up. I'll throw in slaton too so you're all set when the arian race blows out his ACL.

Before the game started:
Scott: So did you start favre today?
Rob: It's his last chance. If he can't do it against the LIONS, its over.

As Brett throw his first INT of the night
Scott: Oops, Brett happened again
Rob: Shhh. Don't. Just. Don't.

Awards Roundup

Big week for me! I have received...
The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness and The Shit The Bed Award

I earned them, that's for sure! That's two straight weeks of sucking, plus a 38 point loss to add to my resume. Even if Anquan Boldin hadn't scored a point, I still would have lost! Mercy.

The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: Blow Schaub

This was a tough one. Scott and Jason both put up 106 pts; Peter put up 105. I eliminated Peter first because a) His not WRs pretty much all sucked. Two lucky players does not deserve the Spotlight! and b) he already got the Soulcrusher award for mercilessly beating my team's mangled corpse. Then it came down to which method I found more impressive: scoring 106 points by having a few players blow the fuck up with five starters had five points or less (Scott) or scoring 106 points by having a well-balanced team with no scorer above 20 but only one below 5 (Jason). I was pretty torn, but I like Jason's team name better. Win!

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: It's a tie! Michael Vick (Scott) and Anquan Boldin (Peter) with 32 pts. Better luck next time, Adrian Peterson (31)

Scrub Starters of the Week

Rob: Buccaneers D/ST -3 pts
Donel: Dolphins D/ST -2 pts
Kim: Visanthe Shiancoe 0 pts

I might expand this to include 1-2 pointers, since those people still suck. We'll see.

Power Rankings

1) Kyle (previous rank:2)

Okay Kyle, I get it. 3 straight wins. The only undefeated team. You just won't be denied that top spot, will you? A few facts, though. Kyle is ranked 5th in PF and 1st (as in, least) PA. Kyle's not blowing the world up, but he keeps winning. Is Kyle the new Ryan Good? God, I hope so. I love a good mid-season flame out.

2) Travis (previous rank: 5)

Remember what I said about not thinking the Steelers D/ST could put up 28 per week? I was right: they only managed 18. Shit, that defense is good. Top it off with the fact that Travis is scoring big and has some if-not-superstars-than-at-least-viable-options on the bench (which is more than most of us can say) makes me think I was wrong to jump off the Bojangles Bus.

3) Kim (previous rank: 3)

So I didn't get everything wrong last week: Kim's team still a shallow, seven-year old vagine (say it like Dane says it). Sure, her bench looks good, but you can't start 3 QBs a week, Kimmy, and Leon Washington isn't going to return two kicks for TDs a week. Zero depth. Zero. But man, can those starters play! Kim's one injury from guaranteed last place, though.

4) Donel (previous rank:1)

Tough tough tough week. Injuries, benched players blowing up, a pretty good opponent. Donel's team is screaming "unlucky" to me right now. Read: #1 in points scored, #3 in most points scored against. This can't continue. However...if Donel keeps losing like this, he's dropping down my power rankings like a stone. This team ain't dead yet, but like I said, dysentery. The slow, watery death.

5) Drew (previous rank: 4)

Drew could have had this game if he didn't bench Tony Gonzalez. But I guess that's true of a lot of the matchups this week. The cold facts? Drew's starting WRs: 5 pts. His bench? Full of scrubs RBs and extremely lucky Jabar Gaffney. This smells like trouble.

6) Scott (previous rank: 7)
7) Jason (previous rank: 9)

Remember how I talked about Scott and Jason's team looking identical to me after draft day? Same draft strategy, same teams of mostly scrubs with a couple mid-tier starters to buoy up the rotted side planks. Two mediocre weeks go by, then they both blow up for the exact same score of 106 points. These teams are on the exact same trajectory and I can't make heads or tails of which one might actually stick. I'm ranking Scott higher because he didn't blow his whole FA budget on Brandon Jackson.

8) Peter (previous rank: 10)

Peter emerges from the basement of the power rankings! What's that you say? Why is a 2-1 team ranked eighth? The answer, my good friend, is the mere 216 points of total offense and the extremely lucky 190 points against. Luck doesn't last forever. However, I of course, need to rank him above...

9) Rob (previous rank: 6)

...myself, who Peter beat (quite handily). My team's sort of a disgrace, isn't it? Still, keep in mind my team these past two weeks was basically a Jay Cutler + a positive scoring defense away from respectable scores in the 80s. Not that I think that's going to necessarily happen, but I do feel like my team is better than...

10) Ryan (previous rank:8)
...Ryan (the other team that lost to Peter. Peter has beaten the two worst teams in our league. Hmm...). So the obvious is that Ryan is the lowest scoring team in our league (he's averaging about 66 points per week). Here's what's funny: if you took the score of EVERY SINGLE PLAYER on his roster last week, including all those benched QBs and third-stringers who have their one big game that everyone inevitably has, his total points scored were 104. That's right, if he got to play seven more people, he would have had only the fourth best team of the week. There are no backups on Ryan's team. There are no players who might make a difference. It's life or death on Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. And right now, it's death.


Week 4 Fearless Predictions

Last week recap: Whoops! I suck at this. I went 2-3 last week, seriously overbetting on both myself and Kim. Since I'm clearly no good at this prognosticating thing, I'm going to just predict by feeling.

Scott (1-2) vs Bob (1-2)

I've got a pretty good lifetime record against Scott. I don't know the exact number, but I think I've got the edge in the overall series, which is rare, considering my overall record (including playoffs) is 19-25 over 3.1 seasons. That being said, I'm not getting good vibes from this matchup. At least this way, if I lose, I can say my prediction was right!
Prediction: Scott by 8

Donel (1-2) vs Ryan (1-2)

You all know how I feel about Ryan's team. If Donel can't clean this house, I'm joining some other pioneers.
Prediction: Donel by 12

Kyle (3-0) vs Peter (2-1)

I still don't believe, Peter.
Prediction: Kyle by 10

Drew (1-2) vs Kim (2-1)

Kim had a great game from her big two (Brady and Petersen) last week, and since they're sort of her bread and butter, I've got to base her chances of winning on them. Oh wait, Petersen's out this week. Advantage: Drew
Prediction: Drew by 5

Travis (2-1) vs Jason (1-2)

I love when Travis and Jason compete at anything, because each of them knows they are better than the other (remember that wrestling match where Jason got a bloody nose? That was a good decision) at Fantasy Football. So what does that mean? Shit, I dunno. What I do know is that Travis is ravaged by byes this week.
Prediction: Jason by 15

One Last Thing

Did you know that PBR is classy and expensive in China? PROOF:




Apparently, in China it's branded as a "world famous spirit" and bottled/advertised as if it's some sort of champagne (the Champagne of Beers, perhaps? High-Life should sue). And get this: "Pabst Blue Ribbon 1844" (as they call it) costs $44 US per bottle. Is it still 55 cents at Circus?

Archive 9/22/10: Wednesday Night(ish) Quarterback, Week 2: Lose Yourself

Tip: If you missed last week's post, I'm archiving this stuff at http://ichooseweswelker.blogspot.com/

Snap back to reality
Oh! There goes gravity
Oh! There goes Brett Favre he choked
Rob's so mad
But he won't give up that easy
No he won't have it
He knows his running backs are a joke
It don't matter Wayne's dope
Rob knows that, but Lee's broke
His team's stagnant and he knows
When he goes back to Ann Arbor, that's when it's
Rob's gonna lose again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture some free agents and hope they don't pass him 

I don't really enjoy writing these as much when my team blow major ass chunks, but I guess it gives me time to reflect. Reflect on how JAY CUTLER OUTSCORES BRETT FAVRE BY 20+ points (not enough for me to have actually won, of course), while Hines Ward gets a big 'ol zero. WHERE'S MY PANIC BUTTON? College football has been good to me this season. But with my fantasy loss and the Patriots looking like a sack of Virgina Tech against James Madison, my Sunday sucked. I want to play COLLEGE fantasy football. At least then I won't be so mad on Sundays that I won't be able to sleep or eat. Truuuuuue story.

I don't think we'll have a clear view of how things are going to shake out until about week 4 or 5. But as we're living in the now, I'll review a few facts.

1) We have two undefeated teams...but neither of the top two scorers are amongst them. Donel and Drew are out first two teams over 200 points, but both suffered a couple tough fought losses (while anemic Peter was feasting on cupcake Scott's sweet, sweet remains).

2) We have two winless teams...but neither of the bottom two scorers are amongst them. Peter has scored just 111 points in two weeks...and has a win! (Mmm...cupcake Scott...so delicious) Ryan "119" Good also managed a win...against bloodless, pale Peter. That brings me to my next point...

3) Both of the cruel overlords of our league are 0-2. What did I say about their teams sucking? Don't get me wrong, mine sucks too. But look! 0-2! Can you imagine how satisfying it would be to be a part of a Fever-Baker free playoff?

4) Let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence for our Heartbreak game of the week: Kim 84, Donel 83. Tough loss, Donel, but at least you still have one of the best teams.

5) Peter, I found a new image you can use for your fantasy football logo. I thought it was fitting, keeping to your airplane theme and all, in light of your team's newfound...prowess.




Text messages of the Week!

Kyle: "Favre's good."

Kyle: [in regards to my benching Cutler for Favre] "Great call. You might win the comissioner trophy this week."
Rob: 100% chance not starting Cutler costs me this game [Editor's note: It didn't]
Kyle: 100% chance you lose to a superior opponent

Awards Roundup 

Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: To Hasselback's Last Stand

Sorry, Drew, I know you had the most points this week, but that's another award. This is for Kim's surprising rise to power. Who knew this would happen? I didn't. Around Week 10 last year (around which time Kim was...1-9?), I said to myself gosh, Kim blows at fantasy football. That may still end up being true. But as of now she's looking pretty good. Now if I could just get her to trade some players to me...

Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: Mile High Club

Why is this award not going to me? A few reasons.

1) I would have beaten Peter by one, measly point if we had played head to head this week. That's right, he sucked worse than I did.
2) True, I benched Jay Cutler (23 pts) for Brett Favre (1 point). At the same time, Peter benched Donovan McNabb (21 points) for Joe Flacco (3 points).
3) My benching my best QB made no difference in the outcome of my game. For Peter's it would have meant a win
4) Peter's team was awful last week, too, and I felt bad not giving him some recognition for that
5) I can do what I want

Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: The Frum! LeSean McCoy, 30 points

I'm not ashamed that I had to look up his first name. Drew, I wouldn't expect LeSean to be repeating this feat in the near future.

P.S.: What's with names like LeSean and DeSean? Adding nonsense syllables in front of Sean is not cool or edgy. At least make the name dignified and add an apostrophe. How much cooler would it be if L'Sean McCoy had won the award this week? 47x cooler, to be exact.

Scrub Starters of the Week

Rob: Hines Ward, 0 pts
Rob: Carolina D/ST, 0 pts
Jason: Devon Aromashadu, 0 pts
Peter: Brandon Jacobs, 0 pts
Mohammed Massaquoi, 0 pts
Kim: Pats D/ST, -1 pts

Power Rankings

1) Donel (last week:1)

I'm sticking with this ship. Donel might have gotten the big L this week, but let's look at the facts. He's #1 in points for (the #1 tiebraker for the playoffs), has his only loss to a top 3 team (more on that below), and it's not like his team was bad this week...Kim's was just better. He's going to need to suck it up next week to drop too far down this list.

2) Kyle (last week: 5)

What a meteoric rise! Two weeks ago I had Kyle ranked #7. Whoops! Told y'all I'm no expert. Kyle's team isn't really all that flashy (#3 in points scored), and his players (beside Peyton) don't really score that well. But there's a lot of them and they're consistent. Plus, he's a lucky son of a bitch. Kyle's got the kind of team that's going to lose when his opponent blows up (because I don't really see his team exploding into the 110s), but if you're not putting up good numbers you're not going to get an easy win against Buffalo. I mean Kyle, not the Bills, because everyone gets an easy win vs. the Bills.

3) Kim (last week: 3)

Speaking of meteoric rises...Kim proves she's no one hit wonder against Donel. My lingering concern: her team is as shallow as a seven year old's vagina. Jonathan Stewart is her #2 RB and...Kevin Faulk is her #3. Kevin Faulk! If you have a patriots running back in your top 6, you're looking at trouble. She's got the talent to carry her right now, but when she gets into injuries and bye weeks she has a real chance of bottoming out. Still, 2-0 is 2-0. No drop this week.

4) Drew (last week: 4)

I was riding high on Drew's team last week and he showed me why with his league high 112 points this week. He's also leaning on his power players (his WRs suck), but when you've got 30 players above 25 points in a week, you better win.

5) Travis (last week: 6)

So not impressed by Travis' 9 point win this week. You can't expect the Steelers D/ST to put up 28 points week in and week out, and without that he's a mid 70s to low 80s team at best unless he gets a monster game from Romo. Also, as a sidenote: Travis, stop trying to make Michael Turner happen. He will never return to glory.

6) Me (last week: 2)

Wretched week, huh? So I made some poor managerial decisions, but overall I just underperformed. PS: Since when has it been so goddamned hard to get an average D/ST and kicker in this league? In two weeks those positions combined have scored me a whopping 6 points (my D/ST contributed -1 of those points). I still am not too mad at my team. I've got needs at this point, but who doesn't? Also, I get to play Peter this week, which is usually good for a pick me up.

7) Scott (last week: 8)

Scott's team: not as bad as originally thought! 89 points is nothing to scoff at. A sad victim to the Steelers D/ST this week, I think Scott's team has more of an upside than the following three scrubs. That being said, he's 0-2. On the plus side, that Michael Vick pickup may prove much better than Jason's $75 RB.

8) Ryan (last week: 9)

I have very little good to say about Ryan's team except that he won this week. Yay! Is this not vintage Ryan? Third lowest point total in the league and he wins. I just had flashbacks to all of last season. I made fun of him for how poorly his big three played last week, but this week they did net him 50 points. However, that means the rest of his team managed just 19 points amongst them. He gets a slight uptick in ranking for the fact that his bench looked strong, but a big downtick for starting Fred Taylor. What were you thinking?

9) Jason (last week: 7)

Did you know that if you took out Matt Schaub and Antonio Gates, Jason scored 33 pts this week? Uh oh! His RBs combined got 43 points last week...oh wait, that's ALL SIX OF HIS RBs combined, with none over 9 pts. I know Jason. He's going to be making some moves...eventually. It's weird that we're not a very trade-friendly league, because it seems like Jason would be trying to do some moving and shaking with what he's got...but oh well. Oh yea, if you want anything that you're afraid Jason will go after, big $3 and it's untouchable. Fun fact!

10) Peter (last week: 10)

Look, I know this is going to come back and haunt me and that Peter will put up 150 points next week. But right now his. team. is. awful. He has no depth on his bench (take out McNabb, who he should have started, and they combined for 17 points last week), and his starters are bad to begin with (he started seven players with under 6 fantasy points this week, including two 0 pointers). Damage control? Perennial bottom feeders weeee!

Week 3 Fearless Predictions

No more pushes predicted from me from now on because I want to track my prognosticating (ie, guessing) skills. To the matchups!

Cutler My Wrists (formerly Rome Was Built In Addai) [1-1] vs. Mile High Club [1-1]

This should be a win for me, assuming I don't somehow bench all my stars again. Which I am prone to do. Still, I'm going to predict a double digit victory for myself because I think it's important to stay positive.
Prediction: Rob by 11

The Frum [1-1] at Team Buffalo [2-0]

Ooh, tough match up! As I said before, I find Kyle's team solid to Drew's spotty explosiveness. This all comes down to whether or not I think his team has a chance of blowing up this week. My verdict? Probably not enough this week. I don't think Frank Gore is going to get 30 fantasy points vs. KC defense. Also, so far this season Chicago has been pretty frugal for the passing game, so I'm not expecting 30 from Rodgers either. LeSean might blow up again, but I think Kyle will pull it out in a close one
Prediction: Kyle by 2

The Goods [1-1] at Favre From Over [0-2]

Ryan has yet to prove himself able to score over 70 points this season. And all of his big three have unfavorable match ups (Atlanta has given up just 7 total points to QBs...admittedly, though, they were facing terrible scrubs). And I for one believe the Michael Vick led team of Favre From Over is going to prove that their season is, in fact, not over (ha ha).
Prediction: Scott by 9

D Money All Day [1-1] at Team Langley [1-1]

I like some of Travis' match ups this week, especially Randy Moss vs. the Bills (fantasy gold mine!) and Tony Romo vs. Houston. That being said: Travis! Michael Turner sucks!
Prediction: Donel by 5

Hasselbeck's Last Stand [2-0] at Colt McFev [0-2]

Tom Brady and Wes Welker vs. Buffalo? Adrian Petersen and Visanthe Shiancoe vs. Detroit? Can you say blowout?
Prediction: Kim by 20

Final Postscript

I saw the premiere of Hawaii 5-0 last night. I think Drew would like it, mostly because the main female character is this:




I don't even like asian girls, but I can make an exception.

Archive 9/14/10: Wednesday Night Quarterback: We were only freshmen

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

Literary reference? Nah, just a quick summary of our league during the first week. First things first: my predictions for how our league was going to shape up were both the best and worst of times. Only two of my top 5 teams won...and both of my bottom two teams won; don't bet the house on my opinions. On the other hand, a couple teams acted just as I expected. To the lists!

The Best of Times: D Money All Day

Wow. Wow! With 126 points Donel is now 25 points ahead of his closest competitor in total points for. Also, Donel could have beaten any two of Peter's, Scott's, Jason's, and Ryan's teams put together...by a comfortably margin. Add onto that 7 players with double digit fantasy points, no player under 6 points (his defense, which barely counts), and three bench players with over 14 points...uh oh! Watch out for the D-Train!

The Worst of Times: The Goods

Sacre bleu. I was expecting Ryan's team to be a little light...but not THIS light. Here's a stat for you: Ryan spent $154 on his big three players: Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Andre Johnson. His big payout: 21 fantasy points. I don't need to rub it in for that to be abysmal. But I will. For reference, Ryan got 24 fantasy points from the Giants Defense, Jay Feely, and Jerome Harrison. Total cost: $18 + any money it might have cost him to pick up the giants D FROM THE FAA. Looks like we've got a pretty good consensus that having three good players can only work occasionally.

The Age of Wisdom: Arian: The Master Race (formerly Big Ben's Unwilling)

Not to toot my own horn (toot toot!), but starting Arian Foster was a game time decision for me. I was going to start Addai instead, but decided, hey, I got in a bidding war with Scott for this guy, I might as well start him. Beanie Wells being declared out led to me playing Addai anyway (thanks for those 6 points, Joe. 'Preciate it), but it still feels good to start 1-0, since I don't. Ever. And speaking of Scott...

The Age of Foolishness : Favre From Over

While his season is favre from over (ha-ha), his team also sucks. Let's break this down. Scott, as he is oft to do, skipped all the "paying for QBs" nonsense and got himself Matt Stafford as a starter. Now, I'll admit, Stafford is a trendy pick for having a breakout (breakdown?) year, but I'm pretty sure all of us would think of him as a backup with an upside, not as a Week 1 starter. 1 shoulder separation (and 1 fantasy point) later, and I think Scott has realized the same thing. He needed 3 more points to beat Peter (a win with 56 points? Jumpin' Jehosaphant!), which he could have done with almost...any...other...QB. Or, well, anyone decent, since his whole team sort of shat it up.

The Epoch of Belief: Hasselback's Last Stand

A tie for the second highest score in the league? Check. Over 100 points without virtually any help from her star #1 draft pick? Check. A team worth of double-digit, drool worthy fantasy players? Check. I believe, hon. I believe.

P.S.: I could look this up, but since I'm lazy, I'm just going to speculate: is it just me or has Kim won like 6 of 7 regular season games dating to last season??

The Epoch of Incredulity: Mile High Club

That was INCREDULOUS! A win with 56 points? Really? I'm not actually astonished that a team won with only 56 points (it's happened with less), or that it won with the highest scoring player getting 12 points...or that if the manager could predict the future he still would have only had 12 more points. What I'm astonished about is that Peter got lucky. Peter is the opposite of luck. If you look in the thesaurus under antonyms for lucky, you will get unfortunate, hexed, jinxed, and Peter. That was INCREDULOUS!

The Season of Light: The Frum

I know, I know, drew lost this week. But he had the fourth highest point total, his team has plenty of potential, he's got Matt Forte, and his bench looked pretty good. Also: 5 teams lose every week, but 6 teams make the playoffs! If we had the playoffs right now, The Frum would have slot #6

The Season of Darkness: Team Langley (formerly My Team)

Apparently, God (and football) hates an uninspired team name. God then responds by giving your running backs 10 fantasy points combined. Please, Travis, get a better team name. Boxcar Joes was at least very classic, if not PUNtastic. Also, give up on Michael Turner. It's just not going to happen.

The Spring of Hope: Team Buffalo

Kyle's team this week wasn't great. His TE was below average, his RBs were poor, and his WRs were only okay. And you know what? He won by 36 points. He didn't even need Peyton's monster game to save him. If his players stop under performing...wow, can he do it? Can he go all the way? Why not. Who is in his way right now?

The Winter of Despair: Colt McFev

I'll mostly let Jason's totally expected meltdown (I ranked him preseason #3, but read into it more to understand why I'm not too surprised for this outcome) speak for itself. Instead, I'll provide a list of the text messages he sent me during his depressing lost to a team (mine) that many expected to suck.

"I hope Arian Foster breaks his leg." (this is after he already ran for 41 points)
"I hate him."
Rob: "It's funny, I had been concerned I overpaid for him in the draft."
"You did. He's gonna break his leg next week."
Rob: "Or run for 300 yards!"
"Fluke. I hate you."
"I also hate Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. HATE."

The bitterness tastes soooo sweet.

Awards Roundup

The Commissioner's Spotlight on Awesomeness: D Money All Day

I think I said it all above. Donel's team scored in ways our teams could only dream of scoring. He had the highest point total of the week and seemed to have the most depth of any of the teams out there right now. Believe the hype. This guy's for real.

The Commissioner's Blackout on Suckiness: The Goods

This was actually a close call. Scott is an honorable mention for his sad, sad 54 points, decision to start Matthew Stafford, and the fact that 29 of his points (that's 53.7% of his points) were because of two players...only one of which I would trust at this point to be a real offensive threat (sorry, Jamaal Charles). 3rd most awful definitely goes to Peter for the fact that, despite his win, his team looks anemic. Like, hemoglobin of 5 anemic. As in, TRANSFUSE WITH TALENT, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU. But none of their inadequacies overwhelm Ryan's shit-tastic, ass-tabulous, vagina-ormous failure in week 1. Y'all may think this week is just one week and not too important, especially considering that most offensives haven't found their fire yet. But let me tell you this: teams 4th-7th last year all finished within one game of each other. Want to tell me a loss this week doesn't matter? We'll see if we get into another 1 game duel. Neither Ryan's loss nor his terrible offensive numbers will help him here.

The Gold Medal of Managerial Excellence: Arian: The Master Race

I feel bad giving this award to myself, but it's pretty objective. Foster's 41 fantasy points easily out muscled the second highest active point scorer, Matt Forte (30 fantasy points). Celebration time!

Power Rankings

1) Donel (last week, 2)

I think Donel can emerge from the middle of the pack sadness that enveloped his team last year. Break the dynasty, Donel. Please?

2) Me! (last week, 5)

Here I REFUSE to toot my own horn. But, subjectively speaking, I've got a deep team currently led by Arian Foster. I expect a BIG drop in the rankings next week of Arian Foster suddenly lays an egg. Stay tuned.

3) Kim (last week, 9)

I'm also a convert on Kim. It's too early to say for sure, but she may have finally solved the problems that hit her early, rookie team hard last year. Can she, lead her sophomore team to the championship?

4) Drew (last week, 4)

Win or not, I still think Drew's team has the potential to be better than...

5) Kyle (last week, 7)

Drew outscored Kyle straight up. But I think they're close, in terms of potential. Both only hit those scoring heights because of either a) a 29 point performance by Peyton, or b) a 30 point performance by Forte. Otherwise, their teams are very similar, filled with underperformers. Trades will make or break both these teams.

6) Travis (last week, 1)

I am mostly disappointed by Travis's inability to make my prediction look good. While his team is far from finished, I think Kim showed this week that some statistical upheaval might be in the works.

7) Jason (last week, 3)

Remember how I called his team risky? Enter Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree. Bedshitters!

8) Scott (last week, 8)

If he can't beat Peter...it's either shape up or ship out

9) Ryan (last week, 6)

There's only one good reason he's not #10...

10) Peter (last week, 10)

So sure, he's got a win. But those 56 sad, sad points make me wonder what Peter's earning potential is this year. Peter's team is defined by the 4-7 point player (the amount of points each person puts up, and has no break out stars. He lucked out against Scottie McScottyousuck this week, but I don't think he'll be as lucky in the near future. When he wins a with 100 points, I'll take notice.

Scrub Starters of the Week: (players on the active roster with 0 or less points)

Rob: 49ers Def -1
Jason: Shonn Greene -1
Scott: CJ Spiller 0
Kim: Garrett Hartley 0
Ryan: Kenny Britt 0

Week 2 Fearless Predictions:

Spotlight Game: Hasselback's Last Stand vs. D Money All Day

The arguably best two teams in our league meet in Week 2. My prediction? Sorry, Kim, I think you'll make the playoffs, but Donel is damn good right now. Prediction: Donel by 8 pts


Arian: The Master Race vs. Team Buffalo

I realize I was lucky with Arian Foster last week. He won't get 41 pts again, but my team should be decent. Regardless, Kyle needs to win in order to not fall behind too quickly. Prediction: PUSH

My Team vs. Favre From Over

I wouldn't expect Scott to suck as bad this week. That being said, I still believe Travis is the better team: Prediction: Travis by 3

Colt McFev vs. The Frum

Both of these teams need wins. The difference? Drew's got a team to back it up. Prediction: Drew by 5

The Goods vs. Mile High Club

This is like watching arena football. Yea, someone wins and loses, but does anyone really care? Prediction: PUSH.

Final Postscript: Somewhere in the middle of this post I left to get wasted. Can you tell where the writing takes a dip for the worst?

Archive 9/11/10: Week 1: Fearless Predictions

Now that ESPN has gotten it's act together and finally put up the projected points for the first week, what better use for them is there than harshly judging them without any rhyme or reason?

1) This will be the year we take down Fever/Baker and take the league back for the little people

Maybe this is just wishful thinking. But I take a look at Scott's big 5 (starting RB x2, WR x2, and QB), and see a whole lot of Detroit Lions (Calvin Johnson, maybe, but Matt Stafford?!), and a whole lot of rookies (Ryan Mathews and CJ Spiller). Throw in past-his-prime Brandon Marshall and it looks to me like Scott's team is totally reliant on these average players blowing up. I can't say my team is any different, but geez, at least I've got some players who aren't the hot-possible-breakout-star.

Jason's team, meanwhile, is having it's dick sucked by the ESPN predictors because not one of his starting players is expected to have less than 11 points, including such "huh?" players as Devin Aromashadu (gesuntheit). Luckily his D/ST is expected to pull a big fat 0 this coming week. As another player going for "breakout potential" over "proven quality," I'd say there's no chance BOTH of these teams strike lightning and make a run for the money. 

So I'm saying there's a chance...

2) Peter: still going to be in last place

I honestly wanted to say otherwise, but I can't justify it. Peter = the unluckiest man in the world. Vincent Jackson is suspended for up to 6 games, Sidney Rice is plain out, Knowshon has this "hamstring injury..." doesn't this sound like the desperation we run into around week ten? Peter's already there. Plus, when all else fails, never underestimate Peter's ability to lose by a single point.

3) Ryan Good with sit at about .500 for the entire season.

Talk about feast or famine! He's projected for 127 point this week, mostly on the strength of his big 3's 68 points. His bench is projected for 15 points. If his entire team stays healthy, I still can't see a team being able to win every week on the strength of three players. I expect plenty of 140 point weeks and plenty of 40 point weeks for Senor Good.

4) Speaking of famine...

Kim's team? Needs help. What's with all the TEs, anyway?

5) Could be a contender: Travis

Thought not for team name originality. "My Team?" I guess it's funny in a lethargic, lassez-faire type of way. Regardless, he's fielding a team of pretty agreeable starters this week, and has enough depth to keep it interesting. Could be interesting...

6) WTF scheduling?

Obviously, there are more weeks than teams, so we're going to have to play a few people twice. How did the computer decide to make that happen? Why, by doing something totally freaking random. I would think that my playing Jason the first week would mean I'd play him again in the eleventh week or so. Instead, I play Peter, Scott, and Kyle twice (my games # 2,3,4 and 11,12,13). Also, Play Ryan Good twice before I ever play Travis. At least I get to play Peter twice...I need those wins!

7) Interesting alternative rules I've heard...

...all of which involve money. I'm not saying we do these this year, I'm just throwing them out there. I know of one league where there's a $2 fee for every agent picked up off the waiver wire (this league has a $150 buy in, so the $2 seems less significant in the face of that). Imagine how much money would be in the pot after Jason picked up 80+ people during the season!

There's also a triple crown rule in that league, as well. On top of the $150, there's a $25 triple crown jackpot that everyone throws into every year that goes into a separate pot. If the same team accomplishes the triple crown (most wins, most total points scored, plus winning the league championship), that person gets that pot as well. Otherwise it sits over until next year waiting for it to happen. If we had done that 4 years ago we'd have over $1000 in there, since I don't think we've had anyone go all the way like that yet.

Finally, I heard of another league where, to stop people who's teams suck from just giving up mid-season, they charge $5 to the lowest overall point scorer each week. Yeeps. I would have shelled out like $15 last year, but I like this concept.

8) Predicted number of Jason waiver wire transactions this year?

Over/Under is as 70. Remember, he already has 2 before the season even started.

9) D Money = resistant to change

Not only is Donel the only one in our league who doesn't change his team name season to season (or week to week, like me when I get bored), but his team also looks the most like a "classic team," that is playable any season. Rivers, Jackson, Roddy White, Chris Johnson, Chris Cooley? What is this, 2007? If it weren't for Jahvid Best I'd have thought Donel just imported his team from last year.

10) Fearless playoff predictions

I wish I had saved my predictions last year to see how totally wrong I was.

1) Travis

2) Donel

I'm giving a spot to both Travis and Donel for their consistent-looking if not trendy teams. I can't predict if, say, Shonn Greene is going to blow up and get 50 points a game, but I can say that Chris Johnson is going to score some points this season. Go consistency!

3) Jason

I know, I just railed on Jason's team as risky, but I figure either him or Scott will end up with a pretty good team from all of their research. I like Jason's chances better; he's got the eye of the jew.

4) Drew

Sort of a variant on the theme of Travis/Donel, only I think their players are a little better. That doesn't mean he's not going to stomp all over some of our little shifty teams.

5) Me!

I'm just throwing myself in to make myself feel better. I think my team totally fits the Jason/Scott "I'm going to save my money that pick up all the unproven middle-ground RBs and home one turns into a stud" mold, so if you want, you can substitute in Scott for this position. It's all unknown at this point.

6) Ryan Good

7) Kyle

These teams are both so goddamn top heavy it's ridiculous. I think they'll win some games by 60+ points but during bye weeks they're fucked. It's a coinflip as to who will come out on the top end of the card, and I choose Ryan, because I like Drew Brees.

8) Scott

I think I just don't want Scott to win again. Wishful thinking?

9) Kim

10) Peter

Feel free to prove me wrong, guys. I just calls 'em like I sees 'em. Which is poorly.

11) Also...trophy's are back online!

I will continue to dole them out subjectively to whomever I want. I reserve the right to make up special awards for special situations. And I will continue to call out those who really excelled (or, preferably, those who blew big fat chunks).