WNQ Week 2: Peter Emiley Rises

And It All Comes Crashing Back Down To Reality

I mentioned last week how the possibilities really do seem infinite before the first week of NFL football. No matter who was drafted, how much a manager prepared (or didn’t prepare), no matter how much shit talking occurred between the draft and the first games, every owner could convince him/herself that the right decisions had been made.

It’s a bit like having a child (or so I imagine). When your team is first drafted, fresh and glistening with vernix, it is perfect. It’s never talked back, insulted you, or failed to live up to your expectations. In this analogy, Week 1 represents the terrible 2s. Suddenly, that perfect child has learned the very human attributes of selfishness, self-centeredness, and unquenchable rage. The happy, sleepy baby has given way to a hungry, angsty monster, who would very much like a piece of chocolate right now before it freaks out in the middle of the supermarket.

Strangely enough, I would dare say that things did not go as planned during Week 1. Oh sure, Drew dispatched another victim in his annual quest to have the best regular season record. But after that, we saw the return of Scott Baker (sort of), an undefeated Dane, the fall of Jewish Malificent, and the 140+ point rises of Kyle (Exclamation Point!) and Peter (Interrobang?!). I have much to say about this, so lets do this.

Power Rankings: Week 1

1) Peter Emiley

Really? This guy is in first?

I’m not even going to bother talking about Kim, because she was never really in contention for this game, and if you take out Anquan Boldin’s 26.8 points, she was positively wretched all around. Let’s talk about Peter.

158.2 points. That’s the most Peter has ever had (outside of the inflated Year 1 scores) and after many years of drowning in FF ineptitude, he has finally emerged on the other side of the tunnel (for now). With four players posting scores of 20+, it would be hard for him to not win, but he actually only had a single person who scored less than ten points (Montee Ball looks like quite the poor pickup as of this moment, doesn’t he?). Dios mio, Peter. What happened to being unlucky*?

After a consensus good draft, Peter comes out of the gate with a roar. I understand that it is hard to take too much information out of one week of data (remember, Godin started 2-0 last year en route to his cosmic flameout), but Peter earns the top spot in the power rankings this week. Goodbye Bad Karma Peter, Hello Lenin.

*I had a conversation with Peter recently about how unlucky he has been in FF. This includes years of losing, as well as one game where his team put up 27 points (no joke. Look it up.). I’ve been saying for a couple of season that he has had such dreadful luck for so long that it would be impossible for him to sustain it, and at some point his teams would have to get better. This isn’t your standard, “oh, my kicker missed and I lost the game,” or “I forgot to play a defense” type of bad luck. This is, “I got four primary cancers at once bad luck, then got hit by two buses at once. While walking to my wife’s funeral. Also, both of the buses were driven by my children who had to watch me die, slowly.”

2) Kyle Bohm

It seems odd to put a manager who scored 145.9 points against one of last year’s best teams in the second spot, which is a testament to how well Peter did. What a difference a year (and being able to make it to the entire draft) makes, eh?

Peter and I had a lengthy text message discussion about how it was “ridiculous” that I categorized certain QBs (Kaepernick in particular) as QB1s despite less than one full season of data. In my defense, I made it very clear I was only using the ESPN projected point totals to make my decisions. Also in y defense, see Week 1, 49ers over GB, 34-28.

While I’m sure Kyle is smarting from his Packers’ defeat, he can take solace in not only Kaepernick, but the dominance of AJ Green. Is he a possible #1 overall WR? Maybe yes, maybe no, but Kyle is getting his moneys worth. Add in Larry Fitzgerald (20 points) and his WR 3 on the bench (Brian Hartline, 17.4), not to mension a variety of other very usuable WR options, and I think he has the deepest WR corp in our league. And LeSean McCoy, well, that gets me to my next point…

3) Michigan 41, Notre Dame 30 – (And I Didn’t Even Get To Watch)

Sorry, Notre Dame fans, just because you keep losing doesn’t make it not a rivalry.

I’d make fun of Ryan Davis, following the return to natural order where Michigan dominated Notre Dame, but it’s almost too easy at this point. Now that Michigan and Notre Dame will not be playing each other annually (solely because of selfish, misguided political reasons) so that Notre Dame can keep up their thrilling rivalry with Purdue, I’m glad Michigan showed them a proper exit.

The resident on Ultrasound this week is a Notre Dame alum (I know you can’t hear me saying the school name in my head, but when I talk about Notre Dame negatively, I always use the French pronunciation, which makes them sound more like sissies), as is my next-door neighbor. They’ve been talking trash for weeks.  I couldn’t be more thrilled with this outcome.

Ironically, I missed most of the game (including Devin Gardner’s epic TAINT) because I was the ringside physician for a local MMA event. While it was fun, it probably sounds a little bit cooler than it is.

This was not UFC; it’s like one of the amateur leagues that feeds some fighters into the pros. There were ten fights and only three of them were (to use the nonsensical term the announcer used) “pro amateurs.” The other seven were hilarious.

I’ve never been the type of guy who thought to myself, “you know what would be fun? Doing an MMA fight in front of 500 people will little to no forethought.” I didn’t know there were such people until Saturday. Of the 14 “amateur amateurs,” two of them didn’t have the endurance to actually fight, and more or less laid around on the ground the whole time hoping to get knocked out. One of them was about 5’ 10” and 130 pounds; tell me that doesn’t scream fighter. Another one was wearing purple and pink sparkly nail polish.

Even better than the fighters were their ringside assistants. I’m not sure exactly how (or why) someone gets into the business of amateur MMA, but the ringside coaches/assistants/managers/sweat jockeys were hilarious. Some of the fighters had huge entourages in matching clothes, with big flags that said things like “The Jungle MMA,” or “America for Fighting.” These managers were all forty-year old men living up their old glories by helping kid gets the shit beat out of them. They also all still had mohawks.

For all the less organized fighters, it was like a big-budget, awards-contender boxing movie. This one Puerto Rican kid had two managers; a scrawny blond kid wearing a green Celtics jersey, and a fratty kid with two popped polos and a baseball cap with the sticker still on. How did these three people find each other? What are the motivations of support this fighter who is now and will probably never make any money from this?

Watching these hilarious (and only mildly dangerous) fights prevented me from seeing the game until about 0.4 seconds before Notre Dame ended the game by throwing an interception. I had been following on my phone beforehand, which is probably the most frustrating way to “watch” football. I’ve since devoured the recaps, and wanted to get in one final “See you losers,” before they’re gone forever.

Also, this happened. FTW.

4) The Philadelphia Eagles Offense

Did you see that fucking game? Chip Kelly looks like a maniac and I love it. The Eagle ran like 33 plays in 3 minutes (or some other ridiculous stat like that) and just bulldozed over the Redskins in the first half. Ultimately, they got a little bit gassed and were less productive in the second half, but shit, those players are legit, and will only get better as they get used to the system. Case in point:

LeSean McCoy (Kyle) 24.9 points

Michael Vick (Ryan/B’s bench) 25.5 points

DeSean Jackson (Donel) 16.4 points

Brent Celek (Jewish Bench) 11.6 points

There are going to be some big numbers out of these guys, mark my words. Also, fun fact: everyone who started an Eagles player won this week (Kyle, Donel), and everyone who had one but did not start them (Ryan/B, Jason, Scott) lost. Go Eagles.

5) Quiet Consistency

Both Donel and I put up big numbers this week (124.7 and 117.1 points, respectively), all without anyone blowing up. My top scorer of the week failed to break 20 (Matt Ryan, 19.4),  while Donel had just one player over 17, Vernon Davis at 21.8. This could, in certain circumstances, spell doom. However, both of us had the benefit of calm, good performances from the majority of our players. Neither Donel nor I had any true stinkers (Trent Richardson’s 7.7 wasn’t what I wanted, but wasn’t a disaster, either), and generally have all of our players perform at or above expectations.

TMR says that, in a standard 10 team league, you need about 94 points per week to make the playoffs, based on the data from standard ESPN leagues. With 12 teams, that number will be different (though I’m not sure how different. I presume lower because of the distribution of players, but then I worry it might be higher due to more teams contending to playoff spots), but I think it’s a good marker. Generally speaking, 94 points per week will get teams to eight wins, on average, and 95% of teams with eight wins make the playoffs.

We might not be flashy, but watch out. Eight wins here we come.

6) Peyton Manning minus the rest of Scott’s team

Holy seven TDs, Batman.  Peyton Manning’s 46.3 points is enough for second place on the all time top scoring QB list and third place overall. The only QB above him? Michael Vick’s 49 points for Scott in Season 4. What a dominating performance. After watching this game I said to myself, “Game Over.”

I know that a fantasy owner can’t meltdown, per say, given that it’s not his fault the players who have no idea they are involved in his life occasionally lay an egg. However, I’d be hard pressed to say I wasn’t ultimately surprised, nay, shocked at the outcome of this game.

As you may recall, I was not big on Scott’s draft choices. I specifically pointed out his RBs as quite the disastrous mess, and I predicted they would potentially be his downfall down the line. And while I (temporarily) stand corrected by Reggie “Screwing Fantasy Football Managers For Life” Bush, I feel fairly vindicated by the other four RBs on Scott’s roster. Those four men combined for a total of 2.9 points last week. His starting line up managed  -1.1. You can only imagine how thrilled I was to watch as David Wilson, Scott’s last player and only hope to beat me, fumbled twice and was benched.

Expect Peyton’s manager to start calling Scott and requesting a trade in the near future. He paid too much money for his robot C-spine to spend much time on Scott’s squad.

7) Ryan Good’s honeymoon

Because it likely saved him from having to watch how terrible his team is.

8) Dane’s only win all year

Now, I might be exaggerating a bit. I still maintain Dane’s team is terrible, but less us give credit where credit is due. I don’t care what anyone says about my team if they win, and right now, Dane’s undefeated. Sure, it’s against Ryan, but whatever. Let’s look at the positives:

Aaron Rodgers continues to be outstanding. Owen Daniels, one of my all time favorite TEs, might be having a return to form, and put up 18.7 points.

Since this is a positive portion of the column, I’ll ignore the piss poor performance of CJ Spiller, the absolute absence of any WR worth squat besides Julio Jones, the wasted money that is RG III on the bench (who didn’t even play that well), the league low bench score of 24.5, and the fact that he has managed to have two players on his roster who are suspended.

So all in all, great job!

9) New England Second Stringers

We all knew Tom Brady would be fine. I don’t think there was ever much fear that he would continue to be a top fantasy threat, even with new receivers. The FF analysts were riding high on Stevan Ridley, too, and we all know Danny Amendola was billed as the next big thing. Oh, and Gronk will be back soon, too.

I’m not faulting people for paying big money on those four guys. What I’m saying is anyone who got 15.9 points out of Shane Vereen*, picked up Julian Edelman off the waiver wire only to watch him become a 20 point monster, or watched Kenbrell Thompkins get targeted 14 times (though his hands might be suspect) must be excited. Oh wait, I own all those players. Fuck you guys.

*Of course, Shane Vereen had to go and break his wrist and require surgery. That now puts me at two arm injures  by the end of Week 1: Vereen and Andre Brown, who I hear will return at some point in Week 10. This is likely my response to Peter’s vicegrip on LE injuries. Hide your wrists and forearms, Matt Ryan. I’m coming for you.

10) Ryan Davis’s team name

Russell Wilson’s War! Get it? It’s clever! I swear! Doesn’t anyone else get it but me…?

A Conundrum: The Poor Attending

As you (likely) all know, as an US Fellow, I’m technically an attending. When I work in the emergency department, I oversee residents like any of your attending physicians do. This translates to me spending less time with patients and more time shaping/berating young minds to be more like me. It’s pretty fun, and I recommend you all try it.

However, I’ve recently begun to notice that I fall into a small segment of the “staff physician” world that I never knew existed: The Poor Attending.

As an “attending” physician (I use quotations because I’m really only half an attending, but for hospital administrative purposes, I’m the real deal), I get a different badge than the residents (gone are the “Resident” modifiers used to shame residents into submission), more free food, and, importantly, the ability to park in the Physicians’ Parking Lot.

This is kind of a big deal. The resident parking lot is the sixth floor of a parking structure that is across a busy street and the entirety of the hospital from the emergency department. There are also so many residents that, occasionally, this fills up, necessitating parking on the ninth floor. The options to get out of the parking structure are a) a nine-story stair commute or b) an elevator ride in an elevator that takes about five minutes to arrive once called and is invariably 200 degrees Celsius. Also, every fifth time you park in the lot, the Parking Lot Nazis drive up in their golf cart and demand to see your credentials that allow you the privilege of parking within ten blocks of the hospital.

The Physician lot is a floor-level structure with cool indoor parking, located a brisk one-minute walk from the ED, with both the cafeteria and a Starbucks directly in between. It is just about the best thing to happen to humanity in Orlando since hurricane insurance.

I was recently walking through the Physician Lot, however, and came about a realization: I drive the cheapest, rattiest vehicle in the entire area. It’s like wall-to-wall BMWs in there, with a loyal section of Lexus owners and the occasional family practice doc slumming it in an Audi. Not only am I still driving Ford F-150, but she still has the scars from Rob vs. Parking Garage, Ryan Good vs. Truck Turning Radius, Carissa vs. Competent Driving, and Rob vs. The Distracted Teenager. I’ve got the cheapest vehicle by a factor of $10,000, or more. For reference, my direct superior, the US Director, alternates between a BMW SUV and a BMW Convertible.

I’ve witnessed people judge me when they walk by. They stare of my truck and wonder, “who let this poor person in here?” I’ve never felt so trashy. I never though I’d be one of those people who had to buy a new vehicle when they got a new job, but it might happen. I wonder if BMW makes pickups…

Throwback: Ladies’ Bible Study

I was recently reading an article that made me suddenly nostalgiac for medical school. You’d think it would have to do with, I don’t know, the medical school, one of our classmates, Michigan football, or drinking. But no, it was nothing more than a t-shirt I saw online.

You too can make God proud as a Female Spambot.

I hope I am not the only one who remembers the epic September 2006 email storm that momentarily crashed all of our umich email accounts. Now, many of you know that I love a good email storm more than just about anything (don’t tell my wife), so this is right up my alley. But to this day, when I think of Ladies’ Bible Study, a smile forms on my face and my heart swells to three times too large. It’s that perfect. I’d consider buying the shirt if it wasn’t so damn bizarre without context.

For those of you who don’t remember it, or want to see a collection of the most bizarre emails taken from the chain, I’ve got a link. I promise you will both laugh and cry.

Dialectic Maps

Okay, so I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a less interesting term than “dialectic maps,” but bear with me.

Recently, a grad student at NC State made a project for his Ph.D. that mapped out the differences in how Americans pronounce certain words or use variable terms to refer to the same thing. The most instantly recognizable discrepancy has to be the “soda vs. pop vs. coke” issue that has divided the nation for years. This project polled tons of people from different locations on over a hundred of such topics and made these interesting maps. As I mentioned, there’s a ton of them, but one in particular stood out to me.

Niels: WTF?

I hope you can read that with the small font. Apparently, a large enough group in the Alabama-Mississippi have a distinct term for when rain falls when the sun is shining. They say, The Devil is beating his wife.” I immediately saw this and loved America.

There’s all sorts of amazing stuff here, and I highly recommend looking into it. I particularly like this one because “sunshowers” (the term Floridians use for this) are essentially the number two weather phenomena in the state of Florida, with number one of course being “Crippling Heat with 1000% Humidity.” I was recently out and about and got caught in one myself…

Curse you, The Devil.

I asked Niels and he says he doesn’t use the term. If any of you know anyone who does, please let me know. Finding a user of this term has become the new goal of my life.

And Now, One Random Video

I texted Peter the link to this video, and he immediately responded, “Did you just send me a virus via YouTube?” I sent it to another friend of mine who said, “Is this a trick? I’m not clicking on it.”

While I guess it’s good that everyone I know is vigilant against cybercrimes, I’m sad that I can no longer send out links via text message without people being suspicious.

This video is amazing and I refuse to give anything away by talking about it more. Here’s some praise from others:

“Alright you win. That video was perfect.” – Peter Emiley, M.D.

“Wow. Those guys do a significant amount of drugs. That was amazing.” – Dan Bentley, M.D.

“It is not an exaggeration to say that that video changed my life.” – Justin Zumsteg, M.D.

“The next Gangnam Style” – some random commenter on YouTube.

(If you think I’m making up those quotes, I’m not. It’s that good.)

Now For Some Other Fantasy Football Stuff

As mentioned previously, Peyton Manning now moves into the #2 QB/#3 Overall spot. One other record has been broken…kind of.

Donel’s Vernon Davis moves into sole possession of #10 TE with 21.8 points. I say kind of because, well, these fractional points are fucking with everything. There was a four way tie in tenth with 21 points, and now those are all technically erased…though any one of them could have had 21.8 points that we would never know about. I’m going to keep all player totals before the scoring change as full numbers; all other scores will have a trailing zero to signify if they in fact scored 20.0 points, as opposed of the nebulous “20” of days old.

Finally, Peter’s score of 158.2, while not his best overall score, it is the sixth best of all time, and the second best of the modern era. Only Travis (159 points, Season 2) has ever done better without inflated QB and D/ST scoring.

While not quite good enough for the all time best list, Kyle officially notches his best score ever this week with 145.9 points.

Next Week, on WNQ

Probably less meandering stories that have nothing to do with fantasy football. The return of the power rankings. My continued shock about how terrible Ryan Good was this week.