Oh, woe is me.
I know what you’re saying. “Woe my ass, 2-0 punk ass bitch.”
It’s true. What do I really have to complain about? Despite an underwhelming
Week 2 (more on that later), I’ve for the luxury of being 2-0, which, in our
unpredictable, topsy-turvy league, is nothing to complain about. But I will
complain, and I will woe. Because my RB1 just got traded.
I ask the lot of you to tell me: do you remember a time when
such a high profile fantasy player was traded midseason? I certainly cannot.
I’m not even sure I was entirely aware that trades happened during the season
itself. There’s actually a 2008 ESPN article about
the lack of NFL trades that itself asks the question as to why more do not
occur. In case you are wondering, the article doesn’t answer the question.
So what is a fantasy owner to do? I’ll admit, Trent
Richardson as a Colt is 1000x better than Trent Richardson as a Brown. I was
already violating my own rule of Never-Start-Cleveland-Offensive-Players-Ever
by drafting him, and he has constantly been giving me headaches due to his
underperformance. While he might end up just not being that great, he’s much
greater in Indianapolis than in Cleveland. The question that vexes me, however,
is more immediate: will he be greater this
week? On three days notice?
Sigh. Woe is me.
Quick Takeaways: Week
2
Rob (84.1) vs Kyle (62.9)
As I said before, you can’t complain about 2-0, even when
the winning team (me) has only the 9th highest score of the week.
Credit Matt Ryan’s 23 points for me with helping…except if you reduced that
number to “3” I would have still won. The real credit for this goes to Kyle,
who manages anemic contributions across the board, including a fantastic -1
from his kicker. Now that’s a record.
Ryan/B (114.2) vs Scott (94)
Another week, another pretty decent performance by Scott
that ends in a loss. I haven’t been shy in my opinions of his RBs, and while
Lamar Miller played “better” (he didn’t have much room to get worse), David
Wilson laid a big old egg labeled “1.7,” and Reggie Bush came back to earth.
The biggest problem is that Scott doesn’t have much else on his bench, RB wise,
that could help him, either…unless you’re in love with Chris Ivory. He does
have three tight ends, though! Because that’s what every team needs.
Peter (111) vs Ryan/A (78.9)
I’m beginning to question whether my Ryan/A and /B
categorization switch last year was premature. Ryan/B is coming off of a
rebound win after his disastrous week of honeymoon ennui, while Ryan/A looks
pretty abysmal. Red Ryan has four RBs on his roster. On the positive side, two
of these players are Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster, both of whom are playing
good not amazing. On the negative side, he’s got them backed up with LeVeon
Bell and Mikel Leshoure, who combined for a stellar zero points last week.
Ryan/A is one ACL tear away from total collapse. Things are looking ugly in
Gingerville. Peter continues to impress, though I still hate him.
Dane (114.8) vs. Jewish Malificent (88.9)
I maintain that Dane’s team is unbalanced, top heavy, and
will be subject to total collapse if any of his key starters suffer the big
one. I’m not positive what ‘the big one’ refers to in this analogy, but I’m
going to go with “Peyton-Manning-level-C-spine-injury.” That being said, he is
playing pretty darn well with what he has. Aaron Rodgers continues to put both
A and a in Amazing. I must point out (and will continue to point out) that
RGIII continues to be the most expensive unnecessary backup ever. Jason,
meanwhile, has built a team on the back of a couple of WRs and a sea of
marginal QBs. In an odd twist of fate, his bench outscored his team by 0.1
points this week.
Kim (108.1) vs. WASPs (91.7)
What wrath have I brought to the House of Langley? A mere
two weeks after predicting this to be the Worst Season Ever for our Gentleman
of Southern Society™, he is 0-2 and just suffered a loss to Kim—perhaps the
biggest indignity imaginable. It’s not
that his team is awful, it is simply…disappointing. Where to start? Is it the
use of Carson Palmer vs. Andy Dalton as a QB1 (paging Dr. Langley, RGIII paging
Dr. Langley on line Trade-Me)? The lineup of consistently underachieving RBs
(tell me any of you love Matt Forte and Chris Johnson. I dare you)? Or the
young RBs fighting for playing time? Travis: you may say that things will look
up when Le Gronk returns, but I’m not so sure. Footnote: Kim, damn. Three
players under 1 point and you still manage 108 points? With three bench players
with 9 or more points (non-QB). Damn.
Donel (92.5) vs Drew (terrible)
From Week 1 to Week 2, Drew somehow managed to hemorrhage 40
points from his total score, and suddenly looks like the worst team in the
league. To the chalkboard! Let us analyze zee data!
To start off, Drew had the unfortunate luck of having his
players generally underachieve (it happens to the best of us, buddy). Drew
Brees was down 8 points from 20.5 last week, and his kicker manage a mighty
zero points. But there are some deeper problems. First, Drew’s RBs have simply
been underperforming. I don’t imagine Alfred Morris will continue to be
this…mediocre, but he’s not looking as l33t as he was last year. In regard to
the other options Drew is facing, I don’t think many people get jazzed bout
Ryan Mathews, Mark Ingram, Danny Woodhead, or (shudder) Donald Brown. Last week
Drew coasted on his WRs, but as we all know, WRs are not to be trusted, and in
a down week he suffered. As a sidenote, his tight ends suck balls. Congrats to Donel
for a bit of a rebound week, but let’s not get too excited: five out of the
seven people on Donel’s bench would have been better choices for starter than
the men he fielded. While this can’t be considered his fault (I wouldn’t start
Luck over Brady), it bodes ill if this trend continues.
Don’t Cry For Me,
Scott and Jason (The Truth is, I Never Left You)
We are currently sitting in a very well-distributed league.
We have four undefeated team, four winless teams, and four who have split. This
will end this week, as no undefeated teams play each other, but all of the
bottom feeders find themselves in a face off to ascend from last place.
I have some thoughts on these loser teams, and it’s not all
negative: I believe Jason and Scott are, at this point, ultimately fine.
Now, I realize 0-2 is never a spot where anyone wants to be.
However, lets look at the PF, which is a better indicator of how good a team
will be in the long run than a early season record. Both Scott and Jason are
averaging above the coveted 94 points per game threshold that predicts a 95%
chance of a postseason berth. Combined with the undefeateds (myself, Donel,
Dane, and Peter) and Kyle, only seve teams are currently above this marker, and
thus look to be the, theoretically, strongest teams in the league. Jason and
Scott have had 239.5 and 231.3 points scored against them, respectively, and it
is unreasonable to assume such numbers will continue (though not impossible.
See: every season Peter played from 2008-2011). As things average out, they
should rise to the top.
Who should worry? I worry about Drew, because he has the
league’s worst PF. I’m willing to chalk this up to aberrant data from a small
sample size, and give him a pass for now. My biggest concerns beyond that,
then, are Team WASP, and Ryan/A.
Let’s be frank. Both Travis and Ryan Davis have had a ton of
points scored against them (with Ryan/A leading the way with 256.9 PA).
However, unlike their counterparts in the Losers’ Sweepstakes, they haven’t
proved they’d be able to put up the points to match just about anyone. Their
offenses have been surprisingly anemic, and in the absence of a quick turn
around, they are threatening to be the worst teams in the league. Luckily, one
of them will manage a win this week, as they play each other in the Worst Game
of the Week.
Power Rankings: Week
2
1) Peter Emiley (Last week: 1)
FML. Peter has 268 PF, 50 more than his closest competitor.
After his monstrous Week 1, he comes back with a Week 2 performance that
screams, “I ain’t no joke. Respect me.” His front seven are so damn good that
even a 3 from Frank Gore barely affects him. I’m baffled, because I hate most
of Peter’s players, but as of right now he is getting results and will not be
ignored.
2) Humble Pie (Last week: Unranked)
A few things for me to regret: ranking Kyle #2 last week
(and so the descent begins!), praising the Philadelphia offense (I hate them
all) and the NE second-stringers (I hate them all). Also, disrespecting Dane,
but I won’t take that back. I will persevere!
3) Dane’s team logo (Last week: Unranked)
Because it’s amazing. Runner up: Jason’s.
4) Comebacks (Last week: Unranked)
From the dregs of society last week to the penthouse this
week, Ryan Good and Kim have proven they won’t just roll over and die already.
The season is early, and both of them could make playoffs pushes. Ryan/B is a
notoriously every-other-year team, and this is designated to be one of his
hotspots. Kim has been steadily improving over the course of the past two
seasons. Can she capitalize?
5) Underachieving (Last week: Unranked)
Thanks for the win, Kyle. Next time we play it’ll be my turn
for the meltdown
6) Our living FAA Experiment
With the Jason Rule now officially in effect, I am very,
very interested to see what becomes of the FAA and how players choose to spend
their money. We haven’t had a ton of action until this week, but suddenly
everyone is going for it. Peter leads the list with $26 for James Starks, just
the worst RB ever. I feel like James Starks is picked up for $25-80 every year
when the qualified RB in front of him gets injured, then shows exactly why he’s
a backup. Usually to the tune of 2 yards on forty carries. With eight fumbles.
Ryan/B picks up Eddie Royal for $22 (just two more than the
next highest offer, good job to you sir), who has no chance of continuing to
catch TDs at his current prolific rate and is destined to be a disappointment.
The bizarrely named Groin Wolf adds some TE I’ve never head of for $7, while
Scott makes the half-wise (new potential starting RB yea) half-stupid (he’s
terrible) decision to pick up Willis McGahee. And as further signs of the
apocalypse, Travis picks up Alex Smith for his QB.
I am wondering if anyone will hit that critical $0 during
the season and thus prevent themselves from obtaining players. Under the right
circumstances (a bye week or injury), this could be a total disaster…or it
might be a nonissue. It has certainly changed spending. We have yet to see the
rise of Makin’ It Rain Jason, which by this point last year had spent $84 on
players he would never use. This week he
spent $3. Congrats, owners, you’ve officially ruined Jason’s life.
7) Score bumps
Peter and I discussed this via text message this week. While
scores seem to be up quite a bit this season (thus far…though it always seems
like the beginning of the season is more explosive), after some very simple
reasoning, we realized the fractional points have nothing to do with it.
Think about it; there are only seven active players that
have fractional points. In the max situation, each would get an extra 0.9
points with fractional scoring, equaling just 6.3 points. An average sum would
seem to be a rise of 3.5 points (or 0.5 per player).
While seemingly insignificant week to week, this might
potentially play havoc on our highest point seasons. A 6.3 point addition per
week would equal 81.9 points total, a significant jump. Even just 3.5 per week
would lead to 45.5 points. We might be entering a new renaissance, similar to
our Year One fiasco of the 6 point QB TDs.
8) Michigan Football (Last Week: 4)
Last weekend notwithstanding, of course. For any of you who
will be in the Michigan area during Thanksgiving, Lori and I will be heading up
there for some Ohio State madness. I can’t promise we’ll be shelling out the kidney
required to get tickets, but copious beer pong and tailgating will occur. I
hope some of you will be around.
9) and 10) A General Sense of Ennui
My internet is broken and I’m running out of things to talk
about. Let’s just call it a week, shall we? It is already Thursday night, after
all.
Records
After a record-breaking Week 1, we’ve got just one record
this week: Jimmy Graham’s 23.9 TE points for Ryan/B puts him at #6 on the TE
All Time Chart. This also bumps Vernon Davis’ Week 1 performance for Donel from
the list. Better luck next time.
Next Week: Rob gets ATT Uverse (hopefully) and regains the
use of the internet.
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