You Think You’ve Had
Enough WNQ? I’ll Tell You When You’ve Had Enough
Here we are, folks, one day from the first game of FF
season. As we sit on the cusp of the Baltimore (boo) vs. Denver (double-boo)
Thursday night game (and, more importantly, one free week of the NFL Network),
I must say I am positively pumped.
This Fantasy Football season brings unlimited
possibilities…for the next several hours. By the end of the first week, some
squads already know their chance of winning the league is virtually zero, and
within a month the top tier teams will have separated themselves from the rest.
But right now, we can still lay awake at night, imagining the possibility of
Travis going 0-13 and a Dane/Kim FF Championship.
The first part of WNQ Week 1 was a behemoth, and I ran out
of steam to address some of the other things I wanted to say. You will find
them below. They’re shorter, I promise.
A Congratulations Are
In Order…
To Ryan Good, for his marriage to Abby Schunk, this past
Sunday.
The Good-Schunk wedding went essentially exactly as
expected. It was located at a campground in rural Vermont that was essentially
impossible to get to. The rehearsal dinner on Friday night featured both lawn
games and multiple people discussing the terrible decisions Ryan has made in
his life. There was also skinny dipping.
Saturday saw a full day of competitive sports (soccer,
volleyball), water activities (swimming, paddleboarding), and…perhaps some sort
of BBQ? I’m pretty sure I blacked out, because I don’t remember the dinner at
all.
The official wedding day was Sunday. In a move that
surprised absolutely no one, Sydney (the dog) was the flower girl, and ate all
of her flowers. Ryan Good carried around multiple sweat rags that were all
ineffective at keeping him from being a sweaty mess. There were also many love
letters read that the couple actually wrote. The one I had the read used the
term “symbiosis.” Another referenced pirates. It was all good fun, and super
hilarious.
The competition for the most ridiculous thing that happened
at the wedding was heated. Some of you may remember Brian Dean (“Deano”), one
of Ryan Good’s friends from UVA. Deano is kind of what Ryan Good would be like
if he were 150 pounds and still single. He’s an absolute mess. For reference,
he knocked himself unconscious during a broomball game during Ryan’s bachelor
party which necessitated an ambulance ride and some stitches. He then demanded
to go to a bar, where he was thrown out for cartwheeling into groups of girls.
His brother’s wedding, inconveniently, was the day before
Ryan Good’s. So of course, he got wasted and required a taxi drive to carry him
to his room. His long-suffering girlfriend woke him up to get on their 6 am
flight to Vermont, during which they were flying Delta First Class (for his
last job Deano flew cross country like, every week, and is thus a Diamond
Platinum Voltron Supreme Delta Club member). They got on the plane first and,
per Deano, he promptly went to sleep.
Per his girlfriend, he began making guttural noises and
repeatedly exclaimed, “I’m going to vomit” as people entered the plane. The
stewardess woke him and told him politely (no joke. He’s a Diamond Platinum
Voltron Supreme Member. You can’t be mean to them) that the pilot refused to
fly until he was escorted off. They were promptly removed from the flight,
though there was much yelling about how he would be “calling the President of
Delta,” to report this inconvenience.
With some rebooking, he managed to make it to the camp about
fifteen minutes before we needed to report for duty. He was wearing the pants
he had worn to his brother’s wedding the night before. Both the zipper and
button were broken. He also had a pink dry cleaning tag sticking out his fly
(which, ergo, must have been present for the entirety of his brother’s
wedding), and was too drunk to tie his own tie. He required three attendants
for dressing and was all but carried to the ceremony. Great success.
He would have been the most ridiculous if I hadn’t given a
bridesmaid a black eye during soccer. I still feel kind of bad about it. Stain
of Wedding = Rob. At least she took it well.
(Fun Trivia: Another former member of our FF League also got
married on Sunday. Can you guess who it was? Find the answer at the end of the
post)
Bold Predictions
Now that we’ve drafted, I think I can make some flimsy,
non-educated predictions about who will and will not make the playoffs this
year, based solely on my gut instincts on how good/bad their teams are.
Playoff Teams: Rob, Kyle, Ryan Davis, Drew, Jason, Peter (!)
This year I’m going totally off the wall, picking two
traditionally poor teams (Peter, and, in recent years, Kyle), two wild card
teams (the consistently average me and the potential power player vs. Rookie of
the Year Ryan Davis), and two easy choices (Drew, Jason).
I liked my draft this year. I got a solid QB in Matt Ryan, a
potentially elite (but at worst, very useable) TE in Jason Witten, and a trio
of high profile WRs who could prove to be pretty epic. I’ll admit my RB situation
gives me pause (Trent Richardson and Darren Sproles are not what I would call
sure things), but Ben Tate is a backup with huge upside. I think my preseason
chance of finally making the Top 3 has never been higher. I’ll probably finish
10th in reality, but whatever.
I’m also a big fan of Kyle’s team. An original high-flyer,
I’ve taken to calling Bohm’s team Buffalo Basement in certain circles due to
his recent fall from grace. But I personally like Kaepernick (a risky QB1 with
possible huge upside), and AJ Green/Larry Fitzgerald are a consistent WR combo.
While I have my concern about LeSean McCoy and Darren McFadden, I’m drinking
the Bison Kool Aid for now.
Drew and Jason might have the best teams off the board. I
personally favor Drew’s (though his RB situation isn’t my ideal, he’s got a lot
of good players), but I can see how Jason’s (RBs for days) might be the
preferable. My preternatural hate for Eli Manning blinds me to ever loving
Jewish Malificent’s team, though. Maybe Jason drafted him because of his name.
Perhaps my two most controversial picks will be Ryan Davis
and Peter. I’ll admit, I mostly picked Ryan Davis so I could have an excuse to
put Travis in the bottom half of the league (more on that later). I think
they’re kind of a toss up (I give Ryan/A the advantage at QB and RB, but Travis
owns WR and TE) in reality, but this makes for better reading.
But Peter? Really? He of the traditionally worst teams in
the league? Really, Rob? Really?
I have heard the Rumor in St. Petersburg
(a multilevel joke! Think about it), and I believe there might be change in the
air.
Think about it. Peter has at QB Matt Stafford, whom TMR
(amongst others) believe is due for a pretty big season, and finished with some
monstrous yardage last year. He landed
both Adrian Petersen and Frank Gore, who are great RBs (though I’ll admit I
have my doubts their ACLs can survive Peter’s patented ACL Curse). And his WR
corps (Victor Cruz, Erin Decker) are of high quality, if not flashy. I think
he’s got a fairly well-rounded team, and I smell playoffs!
Non-Playoff Teams: Scott, Ryan Good, Dane, Kim, Donel,
Travis (!!)
Anyone who read Part I knows how I feel about Scott’s RBs.
Kim and Donel were simply overmatched on draft day and put together weaker
outfits. Let’s not even get started on Dane.
Ryan Good would not surprise me if he made the top-6 of the
league, but he’s got some hurdles. Their names are Tony Romo (just the worst)
and Dwayne Bowe (overvalued, and a poor WR1 leading an overall weak WR corps).
I don’t think he can do it, but he tends to do well every other year, so we
shall see.
I’m expecting angry emoticons from Travis this week, but
what can I say: I didn’t like his draft. I understand Andy Dalton has upside,
but every time Travis says that to me it sounds like the ramblings of a mad
man. His top TE is currently playing with half a back and one arm. And his
RBs…well, Matt Forte and Chris Johnson are on my list of players I’d berate if
I ever met them in real life and happened to be 400-pounds of muscle. I just
don’t feel this team. I still think he might be better than Ryan Davis, and god
knows Travis has never finished outside fourth place, let alone the playoffs,
so in reality he’ll likely smite us down with WASPy thunderbolts, but I’m
predicting his Worst Season Ever.
Best Team Name
This
one. This might not work if you’re not signed into ESPN.
A Shout out to WNQ
Readers…outside the league
While at the Good-Schunk wedding, I found out something
interesting. Namely, nonmembers have been reading WNQ…and occasionally enjoying
it.
These people are mostly spouses. Rankin (Langley) and
Lindsay (Feuerman) actively discussed Pausegate this weekend. Rankin also
agreed that she couldn’t figure out what the heck Peter was talking about
during the entire discussion. Lindsay went so far as to say that he
occasionally forwards it to her father.
This is both flattering and terrifying. Mr. Feuerman-In-Law
must think I am a terrible, terrible person, who has nothing better to do than
to bully his friends. And, while this is true, this is not the face I try to
present to the world. Plus, my typos are out of control, because I don’t have
time to proofread.
I am, however, excited that this is happening. Hopefully
this will be a good way for everyone, not just the central nucleus of our FF
league, to keep up to date on the things going on in each other’s lives.
Also, if at some point in the near future I am murdered, it
was certainly the Jewish Mafia. Please submit this paper was proof and seek the
death penalty.
Next Week on WNQ
(which I may or may not stick to)
Some breakdowns of the games, what it is like to park in the
attending physician parking lot, and a new feature: Fantasy Football Power
Rankings
(Trivia Answer: Annie Mitsak, co-owner of Daaaaaa Broads,
who were kicked out of the league after Season 1 for inactivity)
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